A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I 'reconnected' with a girl I knew a while back through friends of mine at a wedding last month. Had a great time with her at the wedding, asked my friend for her number, and for the last month we've been hanging out alot and just this weekend we became intimate (no sex). Prior to calling her my friend had advised me that she had some issues with relationships and intimacy and that if I did not press or force the issue that in time she could possibly grow comfortable enough to enter into a relationship.I've had some issues in my own life which she was able to motivate me toward getting help with and in that regard I am extremely grateful to have her in my life. I've been careful to not present myself as being too assertive and to not disregard her own issues, but I did indicate to her that I was developing feelings for her and she also indicated that she had developed some as well. However, she did indicate that she was unsure as to the cause for her feelings, suggesting that arose out of her knowing that I 'needed' her to help me with my problem or if her feelings were, in fact, natural and true.This morning she told me that she is just incapable of 'doing this' (meaning any type of intimate relationship as she knows, as she's done in the past, that she gets close to guys and then for some reason or another just dumps them completely without any fair warning). She feels that she needs to work out her issues before she could ever feel completely secure with and in any relationship, and she's been in therapy for over a year in hopes of coming to that resolution. Granted, with me she has been honest and up front throughout (apparently she hasn't been this forthright in the past), and my knowing this has enabled me to act as I have and in light of my awareness of her various relationship issues. I don't want to be a burden upon her and I don't want to cause her any undue stress. But I just feel like she's acting out of fear and that she's too willing to give up what could potentially be a very promising relationship. And I have no right to tell her she's wrong or that she's not doing the right thing because it is, after all, her life and her decision. But I don't want to go away without assuring her that things will be okay and that whatever issues she has I'm not bothered by (as I, too, have my own that I'm working through in therapy as well). Comments/advice?
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female
reader, Smiles  +, writes (27 March 2009):
Great advice from "anonymous female reader"; be strong and move forward; she might notice the change in you and that might 'trigger' her interest, but don't count on it; best is to let go; move forward and enjoy life. Learn from past mistakes and CONTINUE WITH YOUR THERAPY. GOOD LUCK!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Well, I guess I can relate to this girl you are with - I can say from experience, as a girl with intimacy issues (perhaps not the exact ones she suffers from), I need to feel like the man I'm with is a scarce commodity. ie, that he's not clingy, not a guaranteed thing, or too easy to attain. For girls like us, I think the best thing to do is to not be so available and to not be so eager. Just "lean back" a little and let her come to you. If you stop showering her with attention, eventually she'll notice you're not there all the time and start advancing towards you, instead of pulling away. What she's probably scared of is being subject to an obligation to take care of you, or to be available to you. Show her that you are your own person and that you CAN live without her, and you'll make yourself much more valuable in her eyes.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (26 March 2009):
 It sounds like you are crazy about this girl. Unfortunately, it seems like she isn't that crazy about you.
This whole intamacy issue is a way to let you down easy. To her, you are a placeholder until new boyfriend material comes along.
The more you try to force her into a relationship with you, the more clingy you'll seem and the faster you'll push her away.
I'm sorry, I've been where you are before. It never ends the way you want it to. Find someone who thinks you are boyfriend material. Its a much better life than pining for someone you can't have.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 In my way of speaking, she knew you were interested in her but took her time to decide whether you were what she wants. You accepted to wait for her to make her mind up. Now she made her mind: you are not what she wants, so she's dumping you. This is what you two agreed to do, even if it was not said in those words. Yes, it hurts a lot, but all you can do is move on and find someone else. There is no point in insisting or trying to make her see how good a catch she's missing. Just move on.
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A
male
reader, guppypig +, writes (26 March 2009):
She has the right to set her boundaries. Period.
You should respect her decision and move on.
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