A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, So I have a question regarding relationships and finances. What do you think about being in a relationship with a guy who says that it will be a long time before he can get married, and the reason is that he is in a lot of debt because of a bad investment decision. On top of that, he spends a lot and enjoys gambling. By spending a lot, I mean that he buys the girl presents adding up to thousands of dollars but in random household goods (that she doesn't need, like speakers, new duvets and sheets) and is always making reservations at expensive restaurants pretty much every weekend. Regarding the debt, he can likely pay it off completely in maybe 5 to 10 years with his salary, but he's already forty. The girl would like to get married sooner because she'd like to have kids. Is this a bad situation? Is he just bad with money and not likely to get it paid off and is in no hurry to get married?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 He is extremely bad with money, it sounds like he just needs to keep spending. Most people who find themselves in debt make cut backs until it is paid, he is the opposite he still just keeps spending. Honestly I wouldn't hold out hope that this guy wants marriage and children.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2017):
 Is he just bad with money and not likely to get it paid off and is in no hurry to get married?
BOTH
While being a generous person is a nice trait, it doesn't work so well if he is in DEBT to do so.
Also "the girl" can decline a present she doesn't need or want maybe even with a suggestion that he takes it back to the store and return it and USE that money to pay off debt. She can also SUGGEST they don't go dine out every weekend so he can get his finances in order.
If he likes to gamble - he is likely to ALWAYS hold out for that "big win" - and that may or may not happen. Investments *bad or good* are a gamble too, so really it's not surprising that he has made a bad investment decision. However, someone who spends a lot that he REALLy can't afford is NOT very good with money. Being generous with money that isn't really "his" (because he OWES a lot). Can you imagine SHARING a bank account with this fella? If married?
And a debt that would talk him 5-10 years to pay off is substantial and if he doesn't seem to ACTUALLY paying it off now it's not going to happen anytime soon.
Do you want to wait 10 years to start a family? Because that MIGHT be what you are looking at. IF he even really WANTS to get married and have kids.
ASK him to be more specific about a timeline and IF he even wants kids. Then go from there.
I, personally, couldn't imagine having to put MY life on hold (if such) to WAIT for a partner to get his crap together. Especially since he is 40 and should ALREADY have his CRAP together or WORKING on it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2017):
 After only reading your first two sentences, I thought : well, he is honest. And sensible. He does not want to drag his partner in a bad financial situation and have her spending options / lifestyle limited, or her credit rating damaged, by having finances combined through marriage.
But then, it turns out he is a gambler. Maybe he has not got an addiction problem yet, but gambling has a dangerous way of turning addictive ,fast and often- and anyway it surely shows a particular carefree attitude toward money and financial planning, a sort of " easy come easy go " frame of mind , and a lack of effort / interest in setting specific material goals amd taking the steps to reach them, which are among the LEAST desirable traits in a husband.
I can't tell if he is allergic to marriage and uses his debts as an excuse to postpone it indefinitely, or if he in fact would like to get married and just sort of thinks, like most gamblers and in general financially irresponsible people, that things will sort themselves out somehow some time in the future, so why worrying now and curbing their expenses ... all will be fine when the tide changes.
Either way , if I were the girl I would not order my trusseau yet, and would not wait with bated breath for an engagement ring. In fact, probably, if I really cared about getting legally married and having children, .. I'd try to cut my losses and move on.
You see : he's got big debts - he says that this bothers him, because prevents him from doing things, including getting married - and what he does to CHANGE the situation as it would be in his power ? Nothing. He should try to earn more, or spend less, or both . Instead he keeps gambling and rather than paring his costs to the bone, he squanders money on non-essentals. SO : his words may say that he wants to be debt free, - but his actions deny it. I guess he feels, more or less consciously, that that too bad, his creditors will just have to wait for his cinvenience,- they have no other choice if they want to see SOME money back. And ditto for the girl waiting for marriage. It is clear that his priority is doing just what HE likes, not pleasing other people.
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A
female
reader, Campari Milano  +, writes (23 February 2017):
He clearly doesn't give a shit about getting married and having kids!
Propose to him. If he uses the debt excuse, say you don't care, you'll love him whatever and you want children.
Really, I think you should RUN and find someone who wants what you want.
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