The truth about teacher student relationships

Tagged as: Big Questions, Teenage

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Article - (9 November 2009)

5 Comments - (Newest, 25 November 2009)

A female age 30-35, mysterious_blonde_lady writes:

For those who have a crush on their teacher;

When I was 14 I moved into this teacher's group. He was really flattered by this and wanted to speak to me, see me all of the time. But only in terms of work in the beginning. People generally didn't like him because he was a strict teacher but I was convinced that people were wrong about him; he seemed so nice. He used to smile at me a lot, sometimes I’d catch him watching me - he'd look away really fast whenever I looked at him. He always took a great amount of interest in my work, said I was his best student, that I was 'very very very able'. I started spending time alone with him after school; he used to touch hands with me on the mouse and he used to touch feet with me also. He would go through my work with me smiling at me, complimenting me saying how good it was. And it seemed very genuine; he took a lot of interest in things, drew a lot of comparisons between us and used to stand up for me against others. He started writing on my work 'the lovely (myname)' and a smiley face at the top when I forgot to write my name on. He had started mentioning me in class all of the time - he would just randomly bring me up for no reason, saying that we were talking afterschool and use my work as examples. I was a B student, not an A. He said I was lovely, and that he liked me being around. He was caring when I hurt my ankle; he carried me and my bag all the way down 4 flights of stairs during his lunch break. He used to stay with me until quarter to 6 helping me with work and just talking about random things and stuff from when he was younger. When I was 15 he pressed up against me on the desk, it was the first he had ever been so close to me. After that he was always close, he would sit close to me, and it felt right to me, and if I looked at him his eyes would be sweet cute.. Endearing. I felt wanted and beautiful. He didn’t seem in the least creepy with me. But then as I got older I walked in on him masturbating; I figured it was an accident as he ran into his cupboard and hid, put his head around the door and said 'he’d be 2 minutes' I laughed it off and forgot about it.

As time went on and I got to 16 we had an argument concerning some work that he was going to mark for me. He lost his temper with me and shouted at me. It upset me a lot so I stopped going afterschool to see him. He was upset by this and said I could choose the deadline for my work; 'whenever I wanted', to make up for it. But I was still upset... he lost it and refused to mark any of my work. (He used to mark my work with me afterschool). It got too much; I got another teacher to mark it. Eventually I gave in and went to see him after school, and then he was nice to me again and I felt better. He seemed so happy and frantic to have my attentions back and he even said sorry'' 5 times, like he really meant it. I felt he was in love with me; and then a few months on he got married to someone near his own age. I was so confused I detached and felt he just saw me as a kid. But he got more physical with me, started trying to cuddle me, rubbing knees with me, cuddling up to me. I felt that maybe he did love me; he was forced into the marriage....

I took his subject again at a level - year 12. He suddenly did something which took me aback; after a presentation he came to me and said 'I’ll have to break you in' and stroked my breast. I was scared; even though I wanted him I wasn’t sure what to do. But it subsided I convinced myself it was what I wanted and ignored it; following this I walked in on him masturbating yet again. He became increasingly possessive and obvious referring to 'the lovely (myname)' during class all the time. It was embarrassing. He was hard on me as well, put a lot of pressure on me in terms of work but was always nice and kind when I came to him needing help. He started bossing me around after a while, telling me who I should and shouldn't hang out with, it got ridiculous so I told him I had a boyfriend. It was a mistake; he was very angry afterwards and very upset and wouldn’t even look at me. He said in front of the class that he was just a minion to me, that he only thought he knew me. I felt guilty, really guilty and so after a of couple months I went to see him and tried to talk about things; he had a conversation with me about how ‘people are often perceived to be something they’re not… that me him and him knew...this.’

He was happy though after I talked to him, and started being nice to me again; but then things changed rapidly. He started suggesting every time I asked him for help that 'Didn’t I think he deserved a thank you?' and 'Do I get a thank you?' that 'Thank you can go a long way you know…' He also started referring to a '(myname) and I' all the time during class as if we were a couple, and it got people talking and rumours. He then got suddenly extreme in behaviour; he started rubbing himself in front of me and leaning his crotch in my face. He would come to lessons with cum stains on his trousers and would sit next to me with obvious erections. It was disgusting and scary. I didn’t understand why he did it. I desensitised to his strange behaviour; by this time he was also running his hand up my leg under the desk. Then one day; I asked him for help with something, he told me he couldn’t help me he said was I 'asking for extra special treatment?' I said no, just help. He told me couldn’t help me then. I said fine and left; a week later he had lowered my AS cwk grade from my B (that I should have gotten) to a C. (cwk 75% of my overall AS). He wouldn't talk to me about it, just kept saying 'he couldn’t remember'. It upset me a lot, but I continued to hope and believe that he hadn’t done it deliberately that there was some mistake. I spoke to his colleague about it, but he told me that I had a 'big affect on this teacher' that he 'talked about me all the time'... this teacher had actually already expressed concerns when my teacher went through his '(myname) and I' phase. This teacher felt I should report him, but I blamed myself for telling him I had a boyfriend, I felt that I could sort it out... that things could go back to the way they used to be. I didn’t report him; on the last day before the summer holidays he told me and the class that he went to the pub next door to my house 'Last week, and the week before.. And a week before that... And a month before that...' It scared me shitless. He lives 13 miles away from me, and I’m out of his way. I'd never told him where I lived.

When I came back in summer, I had forgiven him again... I felt responsible because of what had happened and I did want a relationship with him so I went to him and intended on having a talk about everything that had happened. But before I even said anything he said 'Nothing can ever happen between us...' It threw me off. I said I’d just agree with him and left it there, but he asked me lots of questions about older men, whether I liked older men, how I’d feel about being with a teacher and people knowing... It was strange. He said he liked that I felt this way about him. He told me that it was ok that he wouldn’t tell anyone about the conversation. - The following day he reported it to the deputy head and I attended a meeting on the subject. I brought up nothing, lied for him. Said it was all a misunderstanding hoped things would go back to normal.

He made an effort to be nice to me after that, but I was too angry to care and was nasty back. I got him to bring in his version of my cwk to see for once and all if he’d given me the wrong grade... And he had. And he admitted it, in writing. He was a smug arse... about it too. So I went and reported him to the deputy head for this - and the deputy head was more astonished by the stupidity of putting it in writing than the actual changing of my grade. I had to resubmit because it was past the appeal date. My teacher obviously got wind of me reporting him and despised me for it; he started being nasty to me in class picking at me for stupid things, anytime he helped me he would make weird innuendoes instead of helping me with the work saying things like 'If I was to offer you some kind of payment for your services...' and 'What would you do to convince a kidnapper to let you go?' and referring to me as 'The lollipop queen' and trying to give me lollipops during class. He had started rubbing himself again by now; there were only two of us in the class and he would do it all the time whilst sat between us... and then I walked in on him masturbating once again. He also thought it amusing to play depressing records by Damien Rice; 'Cheers Darlin' very very loudly whilst the other member of my class was off ill and it was just me and him. Then for a period of time he just stopped turning up to lessons altogether; I was glad of this, but he got reported for it and so had to start coming again.

He gave me no help with work I had to seek help elsewhere and got it, and got all my cwk done. I made the mistake of telling his colleague who then told him; he had a massive go at me (despite not having seen it) accusing me of doing it all wrong. When he saw it he just got angry and picky and accused me of being arrogant and stuck up and was grumpy every time he looked at it. Then 2 weeks before it was in; he told me that 'How did he know it was my coursework?' 'How did he know it wasn't someone else’s coursework?' 'He had to sign an authenticity document…' and ‘It was difficult…very difficult.' and he kept repeating that it was difficult whilst cuddling into me and stroking my arm. He then said he’d 'Leave me to think about that'. I'd never felt so humiliated and destroyed in my life and I knew exactly what he was suggesting. I gave up then, the next day I went and told him unless he told me what was going on, why he was being this way I was going to report him that afternoon for everything. He said there was nothing to tell. So I went and reported him to the deputy head, who was shocked and assured me something would be done; he stopped me though, didn’t let me tell him everything about what had happened.

After the Easter break I came back and my teacher came to see me that morning asking me why I wasn’t in his lesson, I said he knew why and that I wasn’t even meant to see him. That afternoon I went and spoke to the deputy head who shouted at me; 'What do you expect me to do?' 'It's not that bad... He hasn’t done that much; it’s not as if he’s had sex with you? Has he??' I said no but he had been touching me he denied me ever telling him this and wouldn’t listen then shouted at me ' Where’s your evidence??' he said it 'Isn't a school matter.' And that was it. I dropped his subject and lost that A level, and carried on till the end managed Bs in my other two subjects when I was meant to get As; all the while he hung around staring at me in the corridors and in the sixth form block. I went to the police after my exams. The police investigated; the school was really difficult and wouldn’t give them any information. I was reliant on the witnesses I thought I had; it turned out they were all jealous and petulant - they said that I had always been trying to get his attention, that he didn’t fancy me that that was obvious. They lied about things and denied things I was left with no one and nothing. The investigation was closed due to lack of evidence. And this teacher had a reputation for tucking shirts in as well... he wasn't a 'nice' teacher, wasn’t liked; he wasn’t even suspended. He was head of department and on the governing board and still is now and is probably doing this to someone else now.

The intention I had of sharing this story was so that people can see it isn’t all clear cut. That teachers CAN and WILL take advantage of you, that it is easily done. The truth is, if you go to the police about a teacher saying he touched you, unless you have a witness to back you up – nothing will happen. No evidence, nothing. A teacher can do anything to a student, so long as there is no witness or physical evidence. A teacher can masturbate in front of a student, touch them inappropriately try to blackmail them – but as long as there is no witness they can continue this. Of course I’d hope that most schools would not behave the way mine did, but there is no guarantee a great amount of schools cover up these things. My point is; for those students at the moment, especially teenage girls age 11-19… Be aware please of the situation you are in. You have no power, no control nothing. The teacher has all of this, and if you let him, he can do anything he wants and get away with it and it will be you left to bear the consequences of that. There is no safe guard, there is no worrying about his career, it’s a myth, a concoction that is meant to give parents faith in schools and trust in teachers. This is why teachers like this are so dangerous; and they do start off nice, caring devoted teachers but the moment a teacher EVER starts to touch, starts to get close… gives you favoritism. Back away, get out of there fast. Yes YOUR teacher might be different, yes YOUR teacher is popular and young and everyone likes them… this does not stop them. You only know as much about this teacher as he CHOOSES to tell you and others. Peadophiles, predators don’t have neon signs above their heads, they are clever they are master manipulators; they understand and love children. These are desperate men (and women) who will do anything to be around children. ANYONE can be a paedophile, there is no certain type of person, no identifiable traits the only way of telling this is by how they behave towards you. A typical predator or paedophile will groom, always groom… to make their victim feel special, and attractive and like they are the one ‘who understands’ that you are ‘so mature’, that ‘you have so much in common.’ They prey on the vulnerable, the ones who have just lost their dads, who are being bullied. A very good example of a predator would be Ted Bundy; he was an excellent manipulator and could always find people to believe him right until his execution in 1989.

Please for god’s sake, if you have a crush on your teacher; don’t let this affect your judgment; yes he’s lovely today but what about tomorrow? Never ever put yourself in the hands of someone who has control over the rest of your life, it is not worth it!

View related questions: bullied, crush, erection, his ex, jealous, moved in, my ex, my teacher, older men, period

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A male reader, furby12314 +, writes (25 November 2009):

Thank you for sharing this. It must have been really hard to tell people about this, and I applaud you for doing so. I think you should also note that teachers who do stuff like this are also older as well, male or female and like you are said, are pretty popular. They can manipulate you, make you do crazy things and you believe it's in the name of love, but real relationships are not built upon that.

Best of luck in everything you do.