A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm a 46 year old gay guy and I have become stuck in a situation and seek advice...I got to know a guy 3 years younger than me around 3 years ago, we met and had safe casual sex and a friendship developed, during the first couple of months the sex part finished but the friendship continued to grow and he asked me if I'd like to rent a room within his house (due to my existing let coming to its natural end).I agreed, and our friendship flourished, albeit sex-less, although I had thought something may develop again, after all, it had been before.After just one month, I sat the guy down and told him I still found him very attractive and that I felt I had fallen in love with him, as you can imagine he was initially angry, saying that friendship was all that was on offer, and he 'loved' me as a friend, but not in a sexual way.I questioned what the sexual contact some months previously had been all about?, and had he no feelings in that way still.After a couple of hours, with him thinking the 'lodger' Idea was a bad mistake with hindsight, we ended up in tears, hugging each other and resolved to reach a 'modus vivendum'.Months passed of calm friendship, we holidayed together, neither of us bothering to extend our circle of friends, both being happy with our own company, also the guy had expressed a desire from the start as part of the moving in agreement that he would want to do a communal shop, and washing etc, to increase efficiency and costs, which made some sense, we also got into a domestic arrangement of him mostly cooking, me mostly clearing away and washing duties, and it all works very well.However, from my point of view, and 3 years on, after around 5 more holidays and still no extension of friends, we have maintained this very close friendship style of living, and still sexless arrangement.The guy has revealed that he has had several 'serious boyfriends' and they have for one reason or another gone off and left him, so he has a negative view of that, and states he's happy to be single.Neither of us through that 3 years had sought casual sexual encounters, we enjoyed each others company.However, it has occured to me that he has exactly what he wants, as in a 'relationship' of sorts, but remains single and non-commital.I, on the other hand, think I'm entitled to the 'full relationship package' and have become increasingly but quietly frustrated, and had expressed 3 months ago a desire to perhaps try dating, as the guy knows my aim in life is a full relationship, and he agreed it was a good Idea, and so I started dating a few guys, and have met some nice guys over the last 3 months, none of which I would describe as partner material for me, although when meeting these guys and when they hear my 'story', they appear to assume that I sound as if I'm in a relationship already, despite my assurance I am not, however all conversation points lead back to the guy.Now, this is the hard part, I still have feelings for the guy, stronger than ever, and he now has decided he too will start dating now and again, mainly for casual sex, he says, and has put himself in situations where he too is meeting men.The shock now for me, is that fact that he has a second date with a guy he met last week, and its tearing me apart - he thinks we can still live at this level and have separate sexual encounters, I am not coping with the thought of this at all.I guess the answer is obvious, move out and gain independance, however I have become dependant on this guy for friendship and my own lifestyle etc.- he does'nt want me to leave and states that we should continue to live as we have with a great friendship, still do holidays etc., but that if one of us meets anyone seriously then we may have to review that situation, which, whilst making total sense is hard for me to swallow, but what choice do i have.One last fact is that I live away from my remaining family, only a sister left, after having lost Mum 8 months ago I believe I'm still dealing with that to a degree and need to keep everything as it is for now, no major life changes is what I was advised for a least a year... I need the courage to move out but don't feel capable physically and mentally at the moment, I wonder whether counselling, hypnotherapy or whatever would help me???Sorry this so long-winded, but I needed to paint the whole picture to hopefully allow you to be able to assess this fully and offer advice....
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 My ultimate advice to you would be to move out. Now. It's really no wonder you feel the way you do about this man. Not only do you two live together like an old married couple, but you two have had a history together. You do the wash and you cook for him, I'm sure that you two are always there for each other whether it be for quiet company or advise. There is a very powerful emotional bond, and when you mix it with your attraction for him, of course you are going to feel very close and jealous when the time for him to date comes around. I really don't think that this is a healthy situation for you, or anyone that could be in this situation. By living with him, you are just teasing yourself. You are living with something that you just can't have. And I don't blame other men for being stand-offish when you date them because of your roommate. It's probably quite obvious how close the two of you are (in spite of the lack of sex). That would scare off anyone at this point.
So not only by living with him are you always wondering 'what if', but you are also faced with the issue of further serious dating opportunities just not happening. No chance to progress with this guy, and no chance to move on and find other people. You don't strike me as the type who is all about casual sex like your roommate is. You have to look at it from his point of view. Not only can he get casual sex from other people, but he can also be taken care of emotionally and he's even pampered (by you!). By having sex with you again, that will definitely feed your need for a serious relationship even more, and he sees that. He doesn't want anything really serious. Just a fling.
So I think the best option for you is to get out of there. It's not healthy for you, because you deserve to be happy. And I don't think you ever will be living with this man. He doesn't want things to be taken to the next step, and he never will. And you never will be given the opportunity to be serious with other men because of your living situation with this one. Find someone else for your affection! Someone that actually deserves it. Best of luck.
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