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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I had an affair with a married man. He left his wife and now we are married. We have been married for 2 years. The problem is that I feel I need to keep being a mistress to this man. It feels like if I get too real or drop the ball sexually, he will leave me. He says he loves me and denies all that. He just wants me to be me. But I can’t shake the pressure I keep feeling to keep up the mistress act so to speak. I can’t perform like that anymore. The sex was illicit and raunchy and intense because of the circumstances. But now we are everyday and I’m not interested in “performing” for lack of a better word at the top of my game or feeling I’ll lose him. I shouldn’t have to. There’s more to life and a relationship than sex. Nobody can keep up a fantasy or fantasy sex for the rest of their lives in a long term relationship. That kind of sex has a shelf life. And I’m no longer interested in having sex with him. I don’t need to be something I’m not anymore. I just want to relax and be comfortable with him but I keep a wall up. I find that because of the pressure I feel to still be a mistress that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable sexually or to feel safe with him. And so I’m shutting down. This has been causing problems. I don’t know how to have sex with him anymore. I find that if it gets dirty or raunchy that he is still using me and that our relationship has not progressed at all. That I’m still a toy. I don’t know how to be in a “normal” relationship with him. I never feel safe or vulnerable enough to be sexual. I don’t know what it is that stops me from wanting sex with him. It used to be so incredible and it felt so free and natural but now I am losing interest in it. Why is this happening? Can I ever get it back? If you want to judge me for getting involved with a married man, go ahead. The punishment I have been inflicting on myself for my mistake has been far greater. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2022): Typo correction:
"Is this a confession that your whole endeavor was based [upon] manipulation?"
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 September 2022):
 Oh dear. Do you hear that sound? That's the sound of your chickens coming home to roost.
One of the main differences between most men and women is that men need sex to feel loved whereas women need to feel loved to want sex. You no longer feel loved because your whole relationship was based on something unsustainable: wild sex. Now that you are no longer sneaking about, grabbing it where and when you can, it has become mundane and dull, just like your life.
Your husband says he wants you to be you, but the problem here is that he thinks YOU are that wild sexual woman who pulled out all the stops to lure him away from his wife. He doesn't realize that was all an act to get what you wanted.
You remind me of a dog chasing a car. What are you going to do with it, little doggie, if you catch it? You got what you wanted, now you don't know what to do with it. You don't feel secure because you already know how deceitful your husband can be. If he cheated on his wife, he is just as capable of cheating on you. In fact, he is MORE capable because he has already done it once and liked it.
Well, you won the prize, but it didn't turn out to be such a great prize at the end of the day. Your situation is a perfect example of why most relationships which are built on a lie don't survive in the cold light of day. I'm sorry but I cannot think of any advice to give you which would help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2022): Relationships usually grow and develop on whatever they are founded or based upon. Your relationship was based upon sex; and you programmed your mindset to be competitive with his wife. "The forbidden fruit is sweeter," they say. You also enjoyed the fact that you were, in-effect, stealing a man from his wife; this was for the purpose of desensitizing your own insecurities, and flattering your vanities about yourself. Many have already addressed the "thrill of the chase;" but personally, I think it goes so much more deeper than just enjoying a chase. You wanted to take him away from his wife, to boost your ego; and basically, the challenge was to see if you could. You've succeeded, now game over.
"If you want to judge me for getting involved with a married man, go ahead. The punishment I have been inflicting on myself for my mistake has been far greater. :("
We are all raised on a set of principles and values. Even if you're raised in a dysfunctional-family, society and common sense teaches us right from wrong. Your parents didn't have to teach you not to sleep with married-men, some things are self-evident or self-taught. If a person takes vows in-front of an officiator and witnesses, and has filed necessary legal documents; they are no longer single or available. Even little kids know married-people aren't supposed to cheat on their husbands or wives. It's a blatant and arrogant choice to dismiss rules and disregard moral principles that most people chose to adhere to.
From a child, we all know bad-choices have consequences. If you know most people frown upon adultery, which includes God Himself, then doesn't it follow you'll be judged? You didn't only have an affair with a married-man; you were complicit in hurting and humiliating his wife. She also faced the scrutiny and opinions of others. She has feelings, she has rights, and she took vows to be faithful to the man you casually chose to sleep with. Her marriage was destroyed, and she suffered for it. Even if she was the worst wife in the world, it was between her and her husband to reach some resolution to that problem. You were not the one to inflict any punishment upon her, or to decide the fate of their marriage. He pulled you into his conspiracy to hurt his wife, and to destroy their marriage. He did it deliberately. Without shame or remorse. That red-flag is so big, it can be seen from the north pole to the south pole. You weren't by any means fooled. Yet you married someone capable of such a things. Now you suffer buyer's remorse?!!
Compare which is worse. Her pain and humiliation of losing her husband, or your distaste for being judged by people? Self-punishment is pointless; unless there is an act of atonement, and a sincere attempt to set things right. Otherwise, it's just selfishness; and wallowing in self-pity. You are not a victim. I do believe you have regret based on sound judgment. You are mature enough to own your mistakes, and should have enough experience to know what path to take from here on.
When we first become adults, it's almost inevitable that we are going to test the boundaries, and/or bend the rules. Modern society and culture places a lot of emphasis on entitlement, self-indulgence, success, money, and pleasure. What's the first thing we do when we grow-up, and leave our family homes? We experiment with sex, alcohol, sometimes drugs; and we'll run with the kind of crowd we know our parents would faint, or go ballistic, to know we're involved with. There is a fascination or curiosity towards the most notorious or unsavory types of people. Our curiosity demands we experience what we have been warned not to touch; like the baby warned not to touch the hot stove, but proceeds to touch the hot stove. There is a built-in sense of rebellion that says we can do whatever we want to do, now that we're grown-up. We think we're clever or slick enough to dodge the consequences; or too lucky to be the one who gets caught.
Well, you played against the rules, you've tempted fate, you've gotten what you wanted; but you, like most human beings, believe we must have whatever we think we really want. Just because. Our desires are more important than any possible outcome or consequences. We want it...therefore, we should have it! Well, you've got it. You reaped what you've sown!
There is a divine justice. That each and every one of us is entitled to; when we are wronged by people. When something is taken from us, or we are done unjust harm. Sometimes the law satisfies our pursuit of justice and restitution. Then God steps-in, and provides His own divine intervention. Not with malice or contempt; but it serves as a lesson to the repentant, and in restitution towards the suffering or loss of someone who didn't deserve it. He rules only with love and goodness. Should she suffer unjustly? You knew what you were doing would hurt her, but did it stop you? You continued, until their marriage was ended; and he is now your prize. Now you're seeing him for what he is, when the time to "judge" him was when he first pursued you; while he was still married to another woman. Who told you that you had to keep-up the act of a mistress? Is this a confession that your whole endeavor was based up manipulation? It was only an act, but had nothing to do with loving the man? What you've gained was accomplished through a calculated and deliberate act of destruction of another marriage. You've now decided you don't feel you should lower yourself to being nothing more than a toy. That's quite a revelation. Two years, and another woman's broken-marriage later.
You didn't mention if you were sorry, just tired of putting up an act; and you're more or less bored with the marriage you've subsequently won from the competition.
The solution is simple. You can seek professional counseling together first; to see if there are strong enough feelings between you two, to work yourselves through it.
The other option, is to divorce him; because you've come to the final realization that you don't really love him. You used to enjoy sex with him, because it was forbidden; and the pleasure was stipulated upon his remaining married to his ex-wife. Marrying him might have been impulsive; or justified upon the reasoning that your successful attempt to win him had been accomplished.
As far as God is concerned, it's all forgivable upon the asking. A simple sense of remorse and acceptance that a grave mistake was made, and it is not to be repeated. God holds nothing against us when we come to Him to ask for forgiveness. You can also forgive yourself; because you now realize what has come of it, is not what you really wanted from it. You've learned from your error. The ex-wife has received justice for her suffering. Your husband offers nothing good; and hence, he receives nothing good. Even his wrongs are forgivable; if He ever went to God for forgiveness. He would have to do right by you, God, and his ex-wife for the rest of his life. He is the one who orchestrated all of this; but his ex-wife has been given her divine restitution for her grief and losses.
I can't say what God may decide to do; because He omnipotent, and He is known for the unpredictable. He could bless your marriage, and heal it; if you and your husband asked Him to, but you would have to commit to coming over to His side. That requires a lot, and only a truly converted person would go so far. Try the counseling I've suggested. If you do hold a faith and belief in God, that you've neglected and abandoned, then pray! There's no harm in that. We are not condemned for making mistakes; we are condemned for not seeking forgiveness, and correcting them.
I actually hope things will turnout for the better for you and your husband. If not, maybe you should leave that marriage; and perhaps you should start-over. It won't work, if you don't love him.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 September 2022):
 "I don’t know how to be in a “normal” relationship with him." That's because it never *was* a normal relationship. I think you got what you wanted and you've now lost the thrill of the chase. He's suddenly not as exciting anymore. It could also be the problem isn't him, it's you. You're overthinking, you're terrified of what you obviously think is a mistake, you probably know there wasn't much in the relationship other than sex in the first place and now that that's gone stale, there nothing to bind you two together. The best of relationships need work to keep things going. Do you think you can both do that?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 September 2022):
 Well You got the man but what did you really get? I would suggest counselling because sounds like you both have issues. Rarely do relationships that come from affairs work out. Sorry..just cold hard facts. Hopefully the two of you can rise above it all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2022): You're overthinking it. I've been the mistress. Sex in the car at lunch hour, at the We Take Cash Motel, by the cornfield.We get married and our adventures continue. Now we have a backyard playground for when the corn isn't high enough. Sex 3x a day, no problemo. So what if in our bed. We were in our late 20s and slowed down in our 40s some. Do the raunchy sex you used to do. Fire your inner June Cleaver.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2022): 1. Your needs sound conflicting to me. On one hand, you want things to progress as it would in a marriage, Ie. More real life and hence not as raunchy..maybe at the most a little romantic. After all, this is the same person you are doing dishes and laundry with. On the other hand you sound as though you want the mistress part back because that illicit relationship turned you on.2. You have deduced quite rightly by yourself that you don't know how to have a Normal relationship, where sex isn't the only thing and where you play a more realistic husband and wife role. It looks like that scares you. Introspect why. Why is it that being a wife scares you while being a mistress excites you.3. You liked the chase where you wanted the place of his wife and were competing hard with his then wife. Now not only are you done with the chase, even worse is that YOU are in the same place that she was in. And perhaps this makes you wonder where he is. Is he going to get bored with you now? How can you make sure he doesn't find a new mistress to play out your earlier fantasies?You are confused about what you want. You cannot be a wife AND a mistress, both. The scenario sounds like there was nothing wrong per se in his earlier marriage. He was bored and found you exciting. If the case had been that he was in a bad marriage and you both fell in love then there was a reason to marry other than boredom.Boredom can happen however, even in the best of marriages. In fact the more stable, predictable and normal, the more boring it might be. There are people who love this secure loving boring life. What do you think about those people? And how do you compare yourself with them? Do you want to be like them? Are either you or your husband incapable of that kind of life? If so then why? Make it more clear to yourself what is it that you want. It's okay to want something different from societal norms. As long as you aren't hurting anyone and doing your own thing, it should be alright.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2022): Your relationship is no different than how others begin sexually. It’s hot and heavy when you first meet and then it levels off after you know each other better and get comfortable. I agree that nobody can sustain that kind of sex indefinitely. The infatuation phase is short and fleeting. But your situation is harder than most because you are coming down from a fantasy or longer than normal infatuation phase into real life. That takes a big adjustment. Maybe you liked the fantasy better and realize this guy really isn’t that special after all now that you see the real him? Relationships take a lot of work. Maybe now that you see the real man in everyday life you realize it’s too much work and not enough fantasy? Maybe you still need all that attention and adoration? But he can’t pay attention like he used to. Why else would you have kept trying to win him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2022):
 "Can I ever get it back?"
You never really had it in the first place.
THAT is reality. You were PRETENDING, PERFORMING, and AUDITIONING for his undivided attention and now that you got it, you think you can bait and switch and just be a "regular" version of yourself.
Honey, what do you think he "fell" for with you?
" He just wants me to be me."
Except he really doesn't. He wants you to be that "fantasy pornstar" he had an affair with and left his wife for.
Maybe see a therapist? Try and sort out why you felt a need to "perform" to catch a man you already knew was "taken".
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