A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 10 months into a marriage where my husband is great in every way. Except, we don't have a good sex life. He has a physical condition and is also addicted to masturbation. I'm really frustrated with this overall. It infuriates me when he has every interest in masturbation and not in me. I tried exploring new things, being open to his fantasies and sharing mine. But nothing seems to work. When we do have it, both of us feel conscious about the foreskin issue he has (It's too tight and won't go back). He has cuckold fantasies too, which we agreed to keep only as a fantasy and not indulge in reality. It honestly turns me off but I still play along for his enjoyment.I had boyfriends before, where the relationship sucked but sex was always easy and frequent. We didn't even need to talk much and there was so much passion.My biggest worry is that I really want us to have a family. He does too. He expects that with the twice a month sex we have, we have a fair chance at it but I find it laughable. I feel silly to bring it up again with him. I also don't want to come across as desperate. It's completely unfair that he purposefully spends all his time and energy in masturbation, leaving me yearning. Even cuddling is not needed by him. I've not seen anyone so physically closed off. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here as help from you guys. I wanted to share and vent it out and also get some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2022): Typo corrections:
"I must disagree that [he's] a great husband, unless he does everything humanly possible to take care of his wife's needs, and perform his husbandly-duties."
"Instead, he is allowing your frustrations to force you [to] surrender; and submit to allowing his porn-addiction to continue."
P.S.
My thoughts may be pure speculation; but I just don't think he wants an ordinary sex-life. I suspect he might be sex-starving you in the hopes you will agree to bring other men into your marriage; to provide live-porn for his own pleasure. If he won't see a therapist and a medical doctor, you should see a lawyer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2022): An addiction is an unnatural compulsion, and you can't simply stop. The most difficult thing about porn-addiction is that men or women who are addicted still want to have intimate-relationships with other people. They want love and attention; but they let their addiction come first in the relationship.
A tight foreskin can also lead to problems in hygiene; and he really must see a doctor about it. How he reached full-maturity without ever seeking treatment for it boggles the mind? He may not get the same pleasure from real-sex as masturbation, because the head of his penis isn't fully exposed; but fulltime masturbation is selfish, and requires no consideration for your partner. Release through masturbation is immediate, through manipulation of his own genitals; but having a preference to masturbation over sex with your spouse is quite immature.
You've had boyfriends in the past, and made comparisons about sex; but I find it strange that you act as though this was never a problem before you married the man. I'm dumbfounded as to how his porn-addiction wasn't a red-flag, or a dealbreaker, long before you decided to marry him? If the marriage was arranged by your parents; or if you were pressured into marriage, because of your parents' unyielding persistence. Then I guess I might understand why you didn't see this coming.
When you find yourself in a predicament where your spouse or significant other is one of those kind of people who'll make no effort whatsoever to compromise, or even try to meet you halfway; you have to offer them an ultimatum. I don't know the laws in Singapore about marriage annulments; but I would seek legal advice about it. He can't maintain a healthy marriage with a porn-addiction, or being resistant to making any attempt to satisfy your human needs and desires. You're his wife, but he has to understand that you will not continue being in a marriage where he refuses to take any personal responsibility or make any investment in making the marriage work. If he mainly offers you financial-security, that isn't enough to sustain a marriage. Being a nice-guy won't either.
Always having it over your head he may someday want you to have sex with other men by depriving you of sex; that could be a form of manipulation and psychological-blackmail.
It seems contradictory to say someone having a porn-addiction and who refuses to seek medical attention for his tight foreskin, is great in everyway. You've described an obstinate and selfish person. It almost seems as if you are in a scam marriage. There is nothing great about that.
The foreskin condition he has is called physiologic phimosis. A male-child is born with it; but as we grow older, the skin loosens around the head of the penis. It doesn't always require circumcision to cure it, sometimes using coconut oil or a prescribed skin cream to soften the foreskin and some stretching can work. He won't see a doctor probably out of embarrassment; or fear the doctor will suggest circumcision. He also needs to seek therapy and rehabilitation for his porn-addiction; because it is directly affecting your love-life, and his ability to desire and enjoy sex with a partner. Unless he has some ulterior motives up his sleeve. Like cuckoldry as a practice in your marriage. Hold-out until you give-in.
I must disagree that he a great husband, unless he does everything humanly possible to take care of his wife's needs, and perform his husbandly duties. To make sex hygienically safe for you, and to seek help necessary to control his porn-addiction. He isn't making any effort, because he isn't committed to satisfying your needs aside from his own. Instead, he is allowing your frustrations to force you surrender and submit to allowing his porn-addiction to continue. An unfair trade-off; so he can keep things as they are. Regardless of how his problems adversely effect your marriage.
There is nothing great about a selfish and stubborn person. Being nice to you, only to draw your attention away from other serious matters that require attention. Problems that could eventually bring an end to your marriage.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (20 September 2022):
 You have only been married for 10 months and already there are issues that need addressing, there are red flags here that i feel should not be happening so early on into a marriage.
I am assuming that you knew him for quite some time before you married him, and i'm assuming that you knew about these issues before you tied the knot. If you only found out about all this stuff after you were married then i can see why you would be quite angry.
He has foreskin issues when you make out, but this does not seem to stop him masturbating left right and center without you over cuckold porn. Either way he needs to go to see a professional and get this seen to.
If you want this marriage to work he has got to make some sacrifices, he has got to make an effort, he has got to cut the masturbating out and give you more love and attention.
I feel that if he does not change his ways then you might want to be considering if this marriage is really for you or not, after all it has not even been a whole year yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2022): Why did you marry him knowing this would be a problem?Sew a doctor for his foreskin issues and he has to seek therapy for his addiction. Porn has significantly raised his threshold for excitement he needs to rewire his brain in order to feel excited again by reality.I don't think you should have a child BEFORE this problems are dealt with. The last thing you want to be is stuck in a marriage with a child and with a husband you are incompatible with.
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