A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I wonder if any girl has had this situation before?My female best friend I've known for a long, long time. We talk a lot, especially relationships. She asks my opinions on blokes she dates and vice versa.She met a guy two years ago who she was so excited about, she wouldn't stop talking about him. She said she got butterflies and was really nervous around him. I said that's a good thing. But she dumped him after only weeks. She said she was too scared to be heartbroken by him. She has never been dumped by anyone though. She said she 'put up a wall' and defended herself thinking he is too good for her and he will find someone better.Anyway, a year later she is now seeing someone else who's a lot older, and this person she has known as a friend for a number of years before hand. He seems just a 'safe' option to her. Like she thinks he won't let her down or dump her. She didn't find him attractive at first, but something developed over time. She has now been seeing him for 4 months.I only found out after we had a few drinks, that she is still in touch with the guy that made her heart race 2 years ago. She told me, he is still an important person to her, but only a friend.I haven't said anything to her, but has any girl here settled for a "safe" option rather than the person who they really wanted but too scared to be with?
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (4 December 2013):
I had to make a decision between my passion and my rock. My passion was intoxicating and exciting. My rock was strong and solid.
I'm with my rock. It was a hardest decision ever. Do I miss the passion....Oh yes! but he was only excellent at sex, drinking and nights out. But nothing to offer in between. My rock has supported me, comfort me, and loved me through thick and thin....passion left!
It really comes down to who fufils the majority of your needs. I think your friend did the right thing for her!
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (4 December 2013):
This post is sad, you should obviously pick the one that makes your heart race! I wanted passion so I got rid of my ex who would of looked after me for life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 I would never settle for a "safe" option. Does that make me foolish? I don't know. I have always chosen to listen to my heart and sure, while I've made mistakes, I have NO regrets. Because today, if I'm with the man I truly love, its because I chose love. And while there are ups and downs like in every relationship, I would never trade this for anything else in the world.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): O, those butterflies. Ussualy short lived. The fact that your friend ends relationships in fear of getting hurt tells me that she lives her life being affraid and sabotages something that didn't even started yet. Being smart is one thing, but being always scared is another.
You said she never was dumped before. That's very unussual. We all get dumped at one point. That's just how life is.
I married a man who I loved, but... Butterflies? I don't know about that. I had plenty of those flying around me for years, and when I met my future husband I knew he would be a terrific husband and father for my kids.mof course as another poster said, if you completely lack feelings for a person, relationships become dull and not interesting, but to look for everlasting passion is just not realistic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): If they have been friends for the last two years after breaking up then theythey will suddenly decide they are soul mates.If she had any left over feelings for the guy she probably wouldn't mention him so casually to you because she would feel guilty for loving him not you.Are you happy? Do you feel like she's happy? Go with your gut instinct here.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (4 December 2013):
Women tend to want sex with the "bad" types and settle down with the good types.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 Metaphorically speaking for me, when those lustful exciting butterflies finally left my stomach, A MOTH would appear in its place… It was here that I knew no matter the age or lack of physical attraction I had for him at first, that he would be the only one attracted to my light.
Did I really want the guys who gave me numerous butterflies or that single moth that was attracted to my flame?
As I evolved, I came to learn I needed someone emotionally stable, financially secure as I am, and someone capable in getting those butterflies flapping :) And perhaps when I look back at those who gave me butterflies, I realised how volatile those relationships were for me, so I gravitated to the moth for emotionally stability and balance of harmony.
However your friend sadly appears she ends things before they even have a chance to begin… It’s like running away, not resolving matters inside her head from the past. So her option suggests a need for safety, to have protection and be in the arms of someone less likely in her mind that wouldn’t make her feel vulnerable to rejection and or hurt?
CAA
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2013):
 I don't know what "too scared to be with" means. It sounds like something someone with low self-esteem would say. You wrote about your close friend: "She said she was too scared to be heartbroken by him. She has never been dumped by anyone though. She said she 'put up a wall' and defended herself thinking he is too good for her and he will find someone better." She avoids being rejected by someone by dumping them first, is that her strategy? Maybe it works when you are in your teens but at some point, don't you think fear is a bad basis for making decisions like this?
If she's making life decisions based on fear then that's a bit sad, don't you think? Maybe as a friend you could remind her that virtually everyone on this entire planet gets rejected at one point or another. It hurts, but you do go on living. If you box yourself into a small little windowless room because you are avoiding things, fearful of experiencing life, well, is that really living? It sounds more like a self-imposed incarceration.
Fear is not a great place from which to make decisions…
I'd encourage her to work on that low self-esteem thing. Beyond that, it's her life, limited though it might be. Maybe that's the full expression of her ability to bond with someone. Maybe she truly is stuck in the adolescent phase of her development and that is the best she can do.
It sounds very sad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I might never be able to get the one that I want but I would never opt for the "safe option" as an alternative. I would rather stay single
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): People tend to seek the safest option, like water seeks it's lowest level. In reality, women who chose the safe option are often going for the man who doesn't send mixed signals. He may have to grow on her. Hey, arranged marriages often workout. So perhaps they succeed on the same principle. Playing the odds. The guy who makes a fuss over her, versus the confident guy who winks at ever pretty face that passes by. She can always close her eyes and pretend he's the hottie who winks at every pretty face. Overtime, he earns the spot in her heart as her hero. He fits the part.They are realizing it's best not to let superficial traits outweigh the practical. Will he be a good provider, will he make attractive healthy children, will he be happy in a domesticated setting, will our kids be smart? They tire of choosing good-looking outgoing men, who have too many options among women; and will most likely over-look an average girl. He'll snag a beaut and still cheat on her with someone less attractive.Even if she's beautiful, the fear remains that he'd look for a new trophy wife; when she starts adding on the postnatal poundage, and birthdays start adding lines or sags. The hotties get lucky when it comes to the single ladies, but fall behind in the race to the alter.I don't think it's as much about being the safer option,as being the more practical and realistic. We all want a perfect and beautiful mate. For the ladies, feeling that they have value within the relationship becomes more important; once they have had a few failures placing guys up on pedestals. She'd like to assume that position at some point. If they can find a guy who makes them feel special, they won't easily let him getaway.So, he may be thinning, a little paunchy, but he has a wonderful smile. A kind and generous spirit, a gentle geekiness; and when she calls, he's usually home. He makes her feel special, and he isn't really that bad in the sack.The down-home guy may just beat out the hot jock, who will probably choose to put his ego before his lady. That may not always be true, but who wants to be on the losing-end of that probability?By the way, ladies don't do this until they've had their share of what they consider hotties; and they've been burnt more than enough times. They can pick and choose, but some learn from their past mistakes.If they have very low self-esteem, or hate their own bodies. They don't know what they're worth, and never learn. They choose the loser every time, and blame all men for being dogs. The bad boy is sexier, makes her feel the courage of a lion tamer. Until the first bite. She'll carry the scars from the scratches through her life.He wasn't the safer option. He was just another mistake.Disclaimer:This is based on no scientific evidence; these are generalities based on experience. :)
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (4 December 2013):
 I chose the "safe option", and it is my biggest regret. The marriage did not last. We had nothing in common. I found him dull and dim witted. We became irritated and frustrated with each other. We grew to dislike one another.
After my divorce I got involved with a man who made my eyes light up, my skin glow, my heart race, and put a smile on my face...sigh...the relationship did not last either:( I risked it all for him and he broke my heart, but if I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat:)) It was one of the most beautiful, soul searching experiences I ever had. Never will I choose a safe option again. I'd rather be single than settle for someone whom I have no chemistry with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): I have never understood women who choose a "safe" option. It's LOVE, for Pete's sake, that's what it's there for. You risk it all for what you believe is right.
I chose the one that made my heart race. Never regretted that...
Perhaps the answer of the male poster below sheds some light on why so many marriages become sexless and dull -- they were more of a business transaction than one of the heart.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 December 2013):
Scientists have proven that most women feel that butterflies are good for flings, but they tend to choose safe men for long term relationships because they are more likely to be better providers and more reliable (or at least that's women's subconscious opinion).
So your friend is typical in that regard.
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