A
male
age
36-40,
*hoenix12
writes:I've been playing in a serious band for almost a year now. One of the members of the band is female. Her and I have become very close, and have pretty much everything in common that we possibly good. The fact that we have the same passion (music) is a good start. I know that there is some physical attraction on BOTH sides, but perhaps more so from my side. She's admitted to having maybe a crush on me when we first met. I find myself thinking about her constantly. I mean constantly. I dream about her, I go to bed thinking about her, and wake up thinking about her. I stop in my tracks any time I see her or a picture of her, and I am highly affect by her presence. We make some physical contact, but I get the feeling that there is some premeditated avoidance of too much contact, due to the fact that there could be feelings there. I'm convinced that she is the perfect girl for me in every way, and all i can think about is telling her how I feel. The problem is this: Our band is very professional. It's like a business, and we may be going somewhere with this. If I were wrong in telling her my feelings, that could ruin everything for all of us. Or, even if things work out, a relationship within a working relationship could also end in disaster, destroying either the relationship or the work, or both. The other problem, and an obvious one, is that she has a boyfriend of 2 years. Personally their relationship seems very strange to me. He's a great guy (one whom I'd call a friend), yet I don't know how on earth their relationship works. Of course, I'm very jealous. I'm on here now asking for advise because I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't tell me friends that I'm in love with my band mate. If word got out that there was an affair happening inside the band, that could destroy us. The taboo nature of the situation is a big problem. I've tried ignoring my feelings for her. I've tried looking elsewhere...but no other girls compare to her. I'm afraid I'll never find another girl that would make me happy in the way that I know she would.What am I to do?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Phoenix12 +, writes (13 October 2009):
Phoenix12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! Seems like all the answers I already know. Of course the answer is obvious, and for all those reasons, are why I havn't said anything yet.
Of course, understand how hard it is for me to spend almost every day with her, and not be able to say everything I'd like to. As for her "avoiding me"... it's not really like that... there is a lot of contact. Hugs, and leaning, and arms around each other etc... All thing that can be gotten away with without it going to far.
It's funny too because, I pretty much have everything wrapped up in a neat little package. My love and passion (music), along with the perfect girl, and amazing friend, which we can share our passion together almost as a pseudo couple. Really, i shouldn't have anything to complain about. But still doesn't seem enough.
One other thing I'd like to ad. I'm not the kind of guy who'd EVER take a girl from her boyfriend. I respect people's relationships immensely, and would never interfere, especially that her bf has become a friend of mind.
However...would your advice change if she was single? I have a pretty good feel that if she was, something would have happened between us by now (accidentally, or otherwise).
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Well, you're going to need to sort this out. She's got a fella, so that rules out going after her. I encourage you to try to move on, because there is nothing worse than stealing a girl from her boyfriend. Well, okay, you could murder the boyfriend. That would be worse. But joking aside, that's a messy situation waiting to happen. And who knows how their relationship works? But, it's none of your business and if it's working well then leave it be.
If your band is professional and you think you have a future, then you need to prioritize your love of music and a chance at a contract, and that means not getting involved with a bandmate... and especially with the added drama of getting involved while she's still seeing someone. That would be a major bummer if you ruined a good thing over a girl. Even though she's amazing, and I don't doubt that, you're going to have to figure out a way to get over her - at least until she's available. Otherwise, you risk ruining a band and ruining her relationship - which won't bode well for her views of you and your relationship with her. She seems like she's being smart and keeping her distance from getting too close to you. I'm sure she doesn't want to screw up her relationship or your professional one.
Besides, if things don't work out, that'll make working together really difficult. Even if it does, that'll make your band's dynamics even rougher. You may butt heads or something and it might make working together a real challenge for you, her and the rest of your band. I would really think this one through and maybe talk to her and see what you can come up with.
A tough situation, but that's my advice. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, YourDestiny11 +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Well seeing as how she has a boyfriend and all you should probably let it go! It does sound like you care about her but either way your taking a risk, the girl could make you lose the band or the band could make you lose the girl! There are obviously no guarentees! Its actually up to you and what youre willing to risk to get the girl of your dreams! Im sorry but all i can tell you to do is follow your heart! Good luck!
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