A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 years old married with a one year old son. My wife is 22 and she is the love of my life. I knew before we were married that she had 15 sexual partners before me. I was a virgin when I met her. Ever since she told me that number has bothered me and it has come up everyday since then. Before we were married she told me that one guy she was with at least 6 times was married and an army recruiter. After we were married it didn't come to my mind that much. Until now my second tour in Iraq I am in the army as well. A few days back I made the mistake of asking for details into her past. I knew the number but I was horrified at that events. Out of 15 people 11 were one night stands in a 6 month period including the one who took her gift from me. That was her first sexual expierences all one night stands and all of them were marines. The two others after that were just friends that she was penetrated by on 3 seperate occasions. Not at the same time she was never with two men at once. Then there was a guy she dated that she had sex with off and on for a year. She said she was him less then 10 times. And she told him she loved him but said she didn't love him. In that year frame of being with that guy the off time she was with the recruiter who has the same name as me which is Derek. After him she went back to the guy she dated for one more pounding which was in July and then she had no one else until me in October. She said she was never involved in the sex she just laid there and took it. She also said it was quick always less then 5 min. She says that she was with them because she wanted someone to care about her for that time. But I asked her about the one night stands if any of them wanted to be involved with her she said they did but she didn't want them. Because she realized they were losers because they didn't have a car. But she would let them inside of her most special area but not go to them with to the movies. She says I have the biggest penis out of all of them and I am the only one to make her get her big O and that she enjoys it with me and that she never enjoyed it with them. I used to look at my wife and see sex as special and now I know that she gave it away so easily to people who in her words were losers. Why did they get her virginity and not me I waited why couldn't she. I just can't move past this. I need help. I don't see my wife anymore I see her and think she is a slut. That was not how I was raised. And I think I deserved her virginity. She says I am her soulmate. I used to believe that too. But I don't think my soulmate would let so many just get their nut off in her at my expense. Why should I inherit the sex doll. How can I push through this I have lost respect for my wife and I hate that. Please help.
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her past, my ex, one night stand, period, soulmate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): You sound very confused and potentially violent. I think you should check in to receiving some counseling or psychiatric help. If you are so religious, then you should consult with someone at your church (like a preacher). You need more help than a website can bring. Please seek it!
A
male
reader, Evets1492 +, writes (28 October 2007):
Try to relax. It's not about being her first or her twenty-first, it's about being her last. Think about it.
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A
male
reader, Derekiniraq +, writes (26 October 2007):
The problem is my wife has it in for military men. I mean 14 of 16 were military. She swears up and down she wouldn't cheat. And to you people that say it is her body to do with what she wants. No it isn't God made all of us he owns us. Her virginity was for her husband and him alone. Which is me. Of course you don't mind your girls past you gave sex up too. Don't anyone in here say that it is alright to just have sex with anyone. It is not and those who believe that don't believe in God at all. Sex is for a husband and wife. My wife's body belongs to me as mine belongs to her. I must admit I have been tempted many times. If I went for those offers I would have a number around 8 and I wouldn't be able to say anything to her. Thinking back maybe I should have had sex with those women. Then I wouldn't hate my wife for her past it would be easier to deal with. Before I met her I used to get drunk everyday. It was a dark moment for me. One night at a club I let myself get passed around by a group of 3 girls. Who kissed me and touched me. One flatout said she wanted to take me to her car to give me head. But I didn't go. That was the first time I had let girls that close to me. One of them even went back to my room on post with me. I would have never let that happen before. We didn't have sex but if would have been more drunk or I guess I didn't care I would have slept with her. My point is that I have been in situtations where I let myself lose control but I never had sex. With my wife we had sex before we got married. I knew the first night when I looked in her eyes the I could easily fall in love with her. The next night we went to a movie and after we played pool and we kissed there a lot. At the end of the date she dropped me off. We were in her car I leaned over to kiss her. And when I got to get out of the car she climbed onto me. I did like her a lot but at first I didn't know what to think. I mean she just went for it. I thought she was this innocent girl. I should have been smarter. Hell our first night we met in a club. I went with her and her ex and his girl to a strip club. Where when we were going to leave she kissed me before we all left. That should have been my red flag but I didn't listen. We wouldn't have met if it wasn't for our dark days. I mean that night in her car we made out for 5 hours. And it got to the point that I asked her for sex. I guess after years of saying no that I just said screw it. I did like her a lot. But I never touched a girl that way or was that aggressive it wasn't who I am. And we were going to have sex because after a while she said she wanted it too. But I didn't have a condom I never had condoms on me because I never was looking for that. So we had sex the next night. I can't help but think about that and just thinking that other guys have had her that way. It makes our sex not as special anymore. I thought it because she liked me so much. And I know she said after that night she told her best friend she loved me. That was our third night of knowing each other. And I knew I loved her too. We woke up holding each other it was great. And she told me no one had held her afterwards. So I think at first she wanted to be with me for sex but after because I was so caring and no one else had been. And it was my first time. That is why we fell in love. Since then our love has grown. But I only knew her for 5 days before I left for my first tour. And she kept in contact with two other men she had been slept with while I was gone. She even met one for dinner the one she told she loved. She swears nothing happend but I think it did. And after I got back he was still calling her. Now that I am done with my second tour. I think about that time and wonder if she did cheat. She said before I left for my first tour she would wait for me. I think she had sex with him. And when I get home this time. I am going to make her get a lie detector test. And if she did sleep with him then it is over. I will not be cheated on. I will not keep her if that did happen. I can't trust her now knowing her past. I need help.
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A
male
reader, PhilManco +, writes (26 October 2007):
 I feel your pain, Anonymous. I really do. I've gone through and, to a certain extent, am still going through a very similar scenario. I wasn't a virgin when I began seeing my current girlfriend, but I had only slept with three other women, and all were in long term relationships of at least two years.
I met my current girlfriend about a year ago. We were both 27 at the time. We got on famously from almost the moment we met and we ended up having sex on our fourth or fifth date. Now, to be honest, this was a bit fast for me, but my last partner was an ex of 5 years, so this woman was my first truly adult relationship and sexual encounter.
Things went very well for a couple of months and then she decided to give me her "back story." I was surprised to find out that she had been with 13 men before me, a handful of which were one night stands. While I'm no angel, I've always taken sex pretty seriously and I've never had a casual sexual encounter in my life. It bothered me that she had. It bothered me even more when she told me that she had gotten pregnant as a result of one of these one night stands and aborted the baby. At the time of these encounters , my girlfriend was in college and suffering from depression. She told me that she slept with these men because she just wanted the attention. This was hard to deal with and has led to more than a few fights.
I wish my girlfriend simply hadn't told me this stuff, but I appreciate why she did it. She wanted to be honest. I do love her and she loves me and we both just have to deal with what she did before we met. That's all there is to it.
I know it sucks and I know that it's a problem that can't be solved, but here are my thoughts: You and I are roughly the same age, Anonymous. I think we are seeing a sea-change in society. I think that, on average, women our age are actually MORE sexually active than men our age. I think that women our age tend to have more sexual partners than men our age. I think that this bothers men of our generation, though, because popular culture has tried to convince us that men are "supposed" to be sexually experienced, whereas women are "supposed" to be sexually pure and innocent. That's not realistic, though.
Finally, I know you feel strongly, but HER virginity was not YOURS to take. It was HERS to do with as she wanted. And she did. I understand that you don't like what she did with it, but you don't really get a say on her biology or sexuality. I'm sure she probably regrets most of what she has done, now, but you have no right to feel cheated by her. When you married her, you made a vow to God to love her unconditionally. Please remember that.
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 First of all, the past is the past, and that's where it stays.
Just think how irrational your train of thought. Should every woman not have sex ever just in case you'll meet them? Its a very immature way of thinking, you chose to lose your virginity to her, and she chose to lose it to someone else. Accept it.
My girlfriend is four years older than me and I'm her 13th. Do I care? No.
She's with me now, and that's all that matters. Perhaps you should stop being petty and wise up, she's with you now.
Hating her past is hating part of her, you can;t pick and choose the bits you like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): So what? I am 6 yrs. younger than my husband & he's only been with 3 girls (me incl.) and I have been with 21-22 guys. She probably just had more opportunities than you did. She married you so I wouldn't worry about it. 15 isn't that many.
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A
male
reader, Derekiniraq +, writes (25 October 2007):
I thank you for your responses. I realize that this will always be a struggle for me. And to those people that said it was before me and it shouldn't matter who she was with. Well first I am her husband God made us to be with each other we both believe that. So before I even knew she was alive I had the rights to her not anyone else. I am trying to work through it with her. But it is torturing me day and night. I get 3 hours of sleep a night and being in Iraq that isn't good. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I was a virgin before I met her. And trust me I had many opportunities to have sex. But I always held sex to people who are in love if I didn't love someone or think that I could. There was no way I would do that with them. It's hard for me to understand what she was feeling at that time in her life. She has explained it and sex is no excuse but I am coming to terms with it. She is my love and the mother of my son. When I am with her I feel nothing but joy and happiness. But I can't forget what I know. I just hope when I get home that it will be back to what is was before. With me being over here our marriages has had it's strains but we always came through I know she will always be faithfull. I know she would never cheat. And she said she got no pleasure from sex before she was with me. She never initiated it until she was with me. I knew from the min. I looked into her eyes that she was someone I could fall in love with. The girl I was seeing before my wife I broke up with her because she was demanding sex from me but I knew that I couldn't ever be in love with her. At the time I met my wife I was drinking almost everyday and I was scared I might lose my morals. I have never been a guy that just wanted to have lot's of girls in his life. Ever since I was young I have been looking for love. It might be hard for some women to know that their are guys like me out there that will wait not because they didn't get laid. But because they wanted it for true love. My wife told me after our first night of intimacy. She called her best friend at the time and told her she was in love with me. I want to have a happy marriage with my wife but I can't if these feelings keep coming back. I have to defeat them. Because if I don't there is no way that our marriage will make it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Which would you have prefered the truth or if she had lied to you about it?? Everyone has a past history and its up to the person them self on how much if any they want to divulge to you...
I lost my virginity to my first real serious boyf after 6 months and was with him for 8 years from the age of 19! So when we broke up 2 years ago I went really wild, out every nite, getting drunk, sleeping with guys and more often than not - regretting it the next day!!! I did that for about 2 months before coping on to myself and realizing I was giving myself a bad name. So I stopped, grew up and met the man of my dreams one nite when I wasn't even looking to meet any one...
Your wife was young when she did all this - don't hold it against her and let it ruin what you have got 2gether! She is with you now, she loves, respects you and doesn't want anyone else. Put it down to all part of growing up....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): These are all very good answers that others have posted. My wife went through something similar after divorce. She slept with more men that both her and I would have wished, but she was looking for something that she never found, until me. Your wife also never found what she wanted until you. Instead of repeating what I have said to others with this same problem, just link to this discussion and to the links in it:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-see-this-differently-so-that.html
She cares for you, is faithful to you and is honest with you. Those are the most important things. Don't let your feelings detract from those very important qualities. My wife has been loving, faithful and honest with me for 28 years now. Once she found the person that she had been seeking, she lost all desire to stray.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Excellent advice from baby duck, listen to her and get your head on straight. You are under a lot of pressure, and it is very hard on your marriage to be where you are right now and not home, for BOTH of you. If you want to destroy your marriage, your thoughts are going to be the root cause of that, NOT your wife's sexual history, that is in the past where it should remain.
Life is for the living, it is for those who decide to be loving towards their partners and put their needs ahead of your own...doesn't your wife deserve to be loved by you, are you behaving in a loving way towards her thinking of her as a slut, when she has done nothing but love and trust you? You are the one who should be ashamed for your attitude, not her. How are you deserving of her love? Certainly you do not hang it on the fact that you waited until she came along to have sex.....if you do then you are getting off cheap. Relationships require work, do the work, rebuild her self esteem by accepting her for who she is, her past has made her the woman you fell in love with, she grew and learned life lessons, and you fell in love with Her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Please do not vorry about it. I am 50 years old now and I was just like your wife when I was young. All I was trying to do is be "cool" under social preasure. We used to get drunk and do stupid things and regret and feel empty and bad about it later. Those one night stands do not meen anything. It is just a big show, a big pretend, maybe even a cover up for a low selfesteem.
Please belive her and what she is saying. There is no reason for you to get insecure or upset and judge her. I can say for myself that I was always a "one man woman". When I love someone I am very comited and faithfull. She seem to be an honest and open person. She lives in a different world now when she has you and a baby and she is also protected and will not be used by disrespectfull strangers again. I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): She may have been going through a difficult time in her life when all that happened and is reluctant to share those details with you.
Two years ago, my boyfriend of five years broke up with me. It ripped me apart. At that time, I had only had sex with him. Well, I was so hurt from the rejection he dealt to me, I went wild after that. I slept with 15 people in between my first boyfriend and the man I'm dating now. That was a little over a year.
I am not proud of that number, but hey, it happens. The point I'm going to stress is during that time, I was so depressed about myself and had such low self esteem because I was just rejected by someone who I thought I could trust and I thought found me attractive. The rejection made me insecure, so I went out with anyone and did anything with everyone I dated because I needed that confirmation that I was desirable and attractive.
Don't be too hard on her. I'm sure there's a deeper meaning to her promiscuous behavior. And if you want the truth out of her, talk to her with an open mind, and don't argue with her. She'll go back into her shell, and you'll get no where. Really, it'll work. Stop being so condemning to her, and she'll open up.
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female
reader, Lila +, writes (25 October 2007):
 She's probably wishing now that she had lied to you. If it's any consalation,she loves and trust you enough to be honest,and her sex act don't neccesarely sound like that of a slut but as someone very confused who thought she would find love.She really shouldn't have discusted her past in such detail,when,where,with who,but for some reason she trusted you enough to do so.You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker I think you have to get over it,drop it let it go,or divorce her.It's not fair to her for you to hate her and think ill of her for something she did before she knew you.What if she was mad at you for not showing up in her life sooner?What if she was mad you sold a now valuable baseball card? Leave the past in the past.
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