A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a sort of long distance relationship with a someone for over 2 years now. (It's sort of long distance because we're near each other in the holidays but we go to different unis). Anyway he's this great guy, and my best friend, and indeed he was my best friend for like 2 years before we started going out. The trouble is I want to break up with him. I've been thinking about it for some time, but now I'm sure, and I don't know how to do it, I've never broken up with anyone before. I still love him, and he doesn't do anything wrong, and I feel really close to him, I just feel like I want him more as a friend now, than as a boyfriend. Also, I think I'm realising that whilst we don't have 'problems' as such, I just know I don't want to be with him forever (like marriage and stuff), and after 2 years I should feel more strongly about him.But I know he'll be heart-broken, and I have no idea how to even go about doing this. We don't really argue, so I'm afraid it will seem really out of the blue. And I'm desperate to remain friends with him. I know some people think after a break up you shouldn't be friends, but neither of us hold that view (he's still friends with his ex), and it wouldn't be possible for us to avoid seeing each other because we have lots of mutual friends.My other concern, which may be a bit self-absorbed, is that all our friends will think I'm a bitch for breaking up with him when he hasn't done anything wrong. I have no plans to start a relationship with anyone new, although I'm sure I will get with some people casually (but obviously not in front of him, or any of our mutual friends).How do I go about breaking up with him? What do I say to him? And I really can't shake the guilt I feel about this; is that normal, should I feel guilty? Most people on this site who ask for break up advice have horrible bfs/gfs, but mine really hasn't been anything but a model boyfriend. I just don't feel romantic about him anymore.
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female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (28 January 2013):
You're confused so start by getting rid of issues you don't need clouding your decision.
1. It's good that you're caring but your choice has to be about what you want. Most everyone has or will be hurt by a break-up. Feeling guilty won't help either of you. Feeling guilty is for liars and cheaters, which you are not.
2. If you decide to break up, be final about it. Don't give false hope and don't say you want to stay friends. This is more hurtful and doesn't work for the one who wants more. It IS insensitive. It will be difficult for both of you no matter how you do it. But don't leave the guy with any doubt to play on his miind. Be clear and truthful.
3. Be sure a break-up is what you really want. The thrill and euphoria of romance is fleeting. There are a lot of divorced people who have been swept up with the emotions of love who ended up hating each other because they failed to consider what qualities the person they were 'falling for' had. As an older person, my list would include: kindness, sense of humour, integrity, thoughtfulness, good citizenship, a sense of responsibily, shared interests, personal hygeine and tidiness. If you are goiing to be with a person for life, you sure what them to be nice. The handsome will fade and they may end up fat and bald, the lust fades and turns into comfortable companionship, if you are lucky. Good luck
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 There are a lot of questions in there. I'm sorry but I don't feel qualified to answer your Big question, which I see as "How do I break up with him nicely?"
I do think that many of your smaller questions are important, and I have some advice for you.
#1 you don't feel romantic about him anymore. This is a pretty common problem in relationships that transition into Long distance. A vast majority of these relationships fail because they don't have depth. the physical part of the relationship is the glue that is holding it together. When that dries up there is a loss of connection, a loss of intimacy. everything fades and there is no real connection to keep you with him.
#2 You are desperate to keep him as a friend. Many young people make the mistake of thinking that friends are forever, but boyfriends come and go. This is absolute hogwash. Think about it who do you marry? your friend or your boyfriend? His clinging on to an ex relationship is quite likely part of the poison that is splitting you up right now. You don't feel a full connection with him because there is still another woman in his life.
#3 You cant shake the feeling of guilt you have. Of course it is normal to feel guilty you are planing to hurt someone who you really do care about. Yes it is a healthy emotion. You will have to grieve this loss as much as he will. You are probably making the right decision but there will still be pain.
The Advice. Think a bit more about why you feel the need for a split. Make sure you are baldly honest with yourself. Make sure you are not confusing "romantic" with "thrilling". The thrill of new love is quite addictive and destructive. You cannot have a successful marriage if you require a new thrill every few years. And last, make sure you are not wrecking a happy long term relationship just to get freedom to scratch an itch more often.
FA
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