A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My ex-wife and I were separated for almost a year before she filed for divorce. I realize in hindsight that she was using the "threat" of divorce to make me see what I was going to lose in hopes that I would come crawling to her. However, I didn't see it that way. After years of being unhappy I saw our separation and talk of divorce as a positive thing and something that should have happened long ago but for the fact that we have two teenage daughters.During the time that we were separated things were better - I hung televisions at her house, mowed her grass, etc. It took me a while to settle into a place to live but I eventually bought a home which kept our daughters in the same school district. The act of me buying a home was a reality shock for her and at almost the same time she began talking about reconciliation. I explained that after over 20 years of marriage I believed we weren't compatible, that her moving out had shown me that we were better as friends and co-parents than as a married couple, and that I did not see us ever getting back together.Well, she turned on me in a way that I never expected. She accused me of years of infidelity and told all of our friends, family, both of our parents, and yes, even our children, that had cheated on her for years. She even went so far as to say that I brought strange women into our home and had sex with them in our marital bed. Of course, those that really know me knew better. However, a "close" friend of hers hooked her up with her own divorce lawyer who then proceeded with a very ugly divorce, and all the while my girls heard her side of the story as she and her "close" friend would sit in the house and talk about how bad of a person I am.My oldest daughter is almost 18 and has seen through it all. She and I are close and have a good relationship. However, my youngest, who just turned 14 and used to be "Daddy's girl," has now completely rejected me. I haven't seen her since New Years Eve. She won't talk to me, even through text, and won't have anything to do with me. Needless to say, I'm heartbroken and cry myself to sleep many nights. I've even considered begging my ex-wife to get back together just so I can see my little girl.In the meantime, I have done what my own therapist suggested and continued to try to be there for her in hopes that she comes around. I sent her a birthday present (nothing over the top). I gave my ex-wife a nice Christmas present (I received nothing from her, and that's okay). I gave my daughters extra money in March so they could buy their mom birthday gifts. I send my youngest a text now and then that says I miss her and love her. Any suggestions or glimmers of hope anybody who has been through this, or has some insight can give? I miss her more than I would miss air if I woke up in outer space. I can't explain how much this has hurt.And before anybody says anything, because my friends have all brought this up: Yes, we have joint custody. Legally, I have full rights and responsibilities. But my youngest just refuses to have anything to do with me and of course, my ex-wife doesn't make her interact with me. My therapist says I can't "force" her to spend time with me or interact with me as that will just breed resentment. He says keep doing what I'm doing and in time (8-10 years in his estimation) she will see everything more clearly and come back to me. However, I don't think I can survive that long. I've never been suicidal but I've been lower than at any other time in my life since I lost my little girl.Please help.Oh, and one other thing: Although the stuff my ex-wife said about me wasn't true, I do now have a girlfriend, who is my age. I don't flaunt that and there's no evidence in my house of even having a girlfriend, but I'm sure my children probably know. I think that probably doesn't help but to be honest, after the separation, the divorce, and the alienation, I need someone in my life just for the companionship, if not more. My therapist, and all of my friends and family, tell me that is okay; I'm a 43 year old divorced man and it's okay to be seeing someone. But I do worry about whether that has a negative impact on re-establishing a relationship with my daughter.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): 'Parental Alienation' a very serious issue and is a form of abuse by using a child as a tool to attack a spouse. This is taken very seriously now in family courts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2015): I would talk to that lawyer again because what your wife is doing is called parental alenation.In many cases the parent that does this loses custody completely.I would also get back to court and get some therapy for her.Maybe she is afraid of her mother so she is acting this way to keep peace at home.That is why you need to seek some court ordered therapy...because ex might not want her to go.After she is in therapy for a bit then you enforce those court ordered rights you have and spend time with her.At first she might balk but keep up those visits because if you do not she will think you do not care about her and that her mom is right.You also need to get a new doc because that 8 to 10 year thing is bull.Once she is 18 she will be lost to you if you do not do this.You only have 4 years to do all this so you better get moving.She is your daughter not a friend so get up and start doing something about this today.Really I would start that 50 50 custody thing today your ex cannot take your rights to spend time with you away so do not let her.Who cares if daddys girl gets mad..she will get over it.You are her dad act like it. I have seen this all my life with friends whose parents are divorced.The parent that does not do this makes the child feel unloved by you.So many parents took this road and it really does hurt the kid.They think they do the right thing by staying away but in the long run it messes up the kid big time.Be a man and do what is right.Get a new doc.I really really hate this entitled generation.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 June 2015):
 It's natural for children to temporarily choose sides with one parent. I don't think it takes 8 to 10 years for a teenager to come by, or it's hard for a 14 year old to know that moms can lie and be vindictive. Your counsellor sounds a bit pessimistic, and that 8 to 10 years sounds like a dooming prison sentence. Her sister understands this and if they live together, the older one should be able tell her the truth. The younger sister can not handle the break up of the family so would rather have someone to blame than accept it. It should also be noted that even when parents cheat on each other, it's between them and it does not change how they feel about their children.
I don't care if people say 14 year olds don't understand adult stuff, parents should be themselves and talk to them anyway. The truth is you two were unhappy in the marriage. I wonder if you talked to your daughters before contemplating divorce, or if they felt it happened out of the blue, therefore shocked. Maybe this shows how little communication there was in the family, and that everyone suffered in silence in the dark.
What your younger daughter needs is time to get over the divorce. She is in the denial stage. She might be angry at the same time. If I were you I would not give up on reaching out to her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 June 2015):
 Yikes, THAT is a bad place to be in.
Some people fight dirty when they discover they lost their original hold on power, such as your ex wife. She thought she DIDN'T want to stay married, but when YOU agreed it no longer was what she wanted. IT seems so petty. Many divorces are.
One of my good friends divorced after 20+ year with an abusive husband. Her oldest daughter "disowned" her for choosing HERSELF over her family (she waited to divorce till the kids were 18) - which in a sense she did. But she kept supporting her kids, she left with nothing. All the while the ex husband played the victim, much like your ex-wife.
It's been 12 years and she still doesn't have much contact with one of her daughters. The other one she does. And I know as much as she MISSES her child, SHE had to get out.
My advice is to listen to your counselor. And don't make the other daughter feel like SHE has to be twice the "child" for you. Or that she somehow isn't as important to you as the one who "disowned" you.
The younger one MIGHT or MIGHT NOT find a way to forgive and move on. It all comes down to just how petty your ex-wife is and how much BS she has fed your youngest. All you can really do is HOPE that she will listen to her sister and you at some point, for now? She isn't ready. She is raging against you, because she feels it's all your fault she no longer have a mom and dad at home. Then add the spoon-feeding of hate from her mom, well... it's going to take some time.
Keep doing what you are doing, but don't neglect the one who stood by you.
As for the GF, you are VERY much allowed a GF and a life. So DO NOT let the ex-wife stop you from living it. I don't think it will impact her negatively. At least it shouldn't.
My brother-in-law went though something similar to you, except SHE was the one constantly cheating, when he finally said enough and filed for divorce SHE tried to pull accusations of child molestation against him. Saying he had abused one of their 4 daughters. However ALL 4 daughter spoke up and denied it. Two of the 4 don't talk to their mom any more because of it.
I don't know why people do these EVIL things during/after a divorce. I don't understand it. BUT I do know, that they will NOT end up happier because of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): HiI just wanted to share our experience which is similar, with you, but first of all, do not lose heart. It will get better! A 14 year old girl will have her hormones racing all over the place and you will be in her heart as you are her Dad..I remember when I was that age, and the bond with my dad was not great. My husband to be went through a similar thing..of course we went to court as well, however at every stage that his ex alienated him, he still went to school shows, dance shows, football..anything he could. We also set up email accounts and emailed pictures, letters etc to one day, show the children. It's awful I know, however one day your ex wife WILL regret this. Myself and my husband's children aren't even allowed to come to our wedding, however you must just keep on trying, never give up, never bad mouth Mum, just keep on going, because one day, any daughter will need her Dad. Chin up
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