A
female
age
36-40,
*my1988
writes:My partner of two years is moulding me to nothing. Where do i start.. The 1st year things were great i got sweet phone calls and txts and when he would come home he would tell me just how perfect i was he was perfect i had a constant smile on my face. Forward a year- arguments were becomeing more regular and i remember the first time he went personal in an arguemnet and called me a spotty bitch as i suffer with slight adult acne that has been a struggle since i was 11 im now 23. Thats where it started. It has got gradually worse. Yesterday i was brushing my teeth to go to bed we had a nice evening with a dvd, he storms in he bathroom saying this isnt a critisism but can you not leave damp towls on the floor and i replied saying ok but my answer wasnt good enough as i got into bed he carried on to call me a dirty slob amd that my son should get taken away as im such a slob! I work and have a two year old and on top of that i spend atleast 2 hours cleaning and doing him dinner and god forbid i had a bath and forgot to pock the towel up! He went on to say that im the dirtiest skankiest woman his ever been with, that im gross, embarrasing me by saying im disgusting for putting my sanintry towels in the bathroom bin!! Where did he want me to put them! Coz thats what a bathroom bin is there for and then i dispose of them. He calls me a bad mother when i am possibly one of the best mums i know! I love my son more that anything and for him! A few day prior to this row i got called a dirty cunt and how i make hom sick and how i need sandpaper to clear my face and he also called me a bucket crutch! He starts on my over the smallest things to provoke a reaction and when i dont give him one he gets more and more personal and when i do break and say something back he doesnt like i get pushed or shuved and most recently booted. This is been daily for the last 4 months the smallest thing i get critsised for. I get told everything i do is never good enough, i get told that i only work 6 hours a day and that im a lazy slob, since being with him i felt i couldnt enjoy raising my son and being called lazy all the time i gave up what i wanted to do and got a job earlier than i anticapeted si he would stop callong me lazy. Then i get one and im a slob that only works 6hours a day. Everysingle thing i do is never good enough and before i met himI was coming out of an equally bad relationship with my ex addicted to crack and theres me thinking i can help people i am antidrugs and did everything in my power to help my ex but he didnt want to be helped i thought im gonna do something for myself and walk away and that when i met my current partner but a two years down the line iv come to realise this man i thought was the love of my life is worse than my partner before! He proposed to me last year and we were supposed to be getting married next year! I feel ugly inside and out he has completly ripped the little confidence i had about myself away. His nasty comments bitch, slut, whore, skank, bad mum, spotty,bucket crutch he says things like my tummy os so stretchmarked it looks like the map of africa where im only tiny and haveing a baby strtched my tummy beyond means. He says i have a fat arse and this is the only part of my body iv ever liked. He always says things about my hair so i repeatly get it done hoping that one style he may like and find me attractive again. I know this man doesnt love me anore as you wouldnt be lovely for a year and suddenly change the next year i just get on his nerves now when im ill im a hypercpndriac i was so ill one day i couldnt even move off the sofa my temp was 39 and i was getting hot and cold sweats and he still came home from work and called me a lazy bitch for not cooking his dinner. How can i leave someone that proclaims they love me all the time and then treats me like this. Im getting picked up and put down every day now and i dont understand how he could treat me like this. If he didn't live me why he still sticking around? Is it coz his lost respect for me as i have taken so much crap and let him get away with it. Please guide me because the tuniest part of me longs lives him still and longs for the person he was last year. Why do i always end up with nast abusive men when im so laud back and try to please every one :-(
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acne, confidence, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Amy1988 +, writes (5 July 2012):
Amy1988 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses i will take everything in and slowly move away from this relationship.
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Sinful nailed it. It is absolutely the way you carry yourself, and what you'll let them get away with.
Some people see a nice person, or an insecure person, and they jump on it! You've been taken advantage of, and you have become his doormat.
The good news? You are here. You see this is a problem. When you recognize that the problem is NOT you, that'll really be good news.
Get out. Don't think about it, don't question the decision, just leave. They're hard to get away from, but once you do, you'll be able to breathe again. The last thing you need is for your son to grow up around a "man" like this. Your son deserves better than that, and believe me, so do you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Previous anon male thanking anon female for completing my intended point: abusive men use charm and attention and flattery to weasel their way into targeted victim's affections in order to slowly exert control and gain power over them. I must admit I skipped over most of the microscopic details due to length of OP's post, on second read very concerned that OP apparently allowed then-infant son to move in with virtual stranger; a disproportionate number of horrific child abuse and neglect cases occur at the hands of mother's live-in boyfriend. ". . . i am possibly one of the best mums i know! I love my son more that anything . . ." Sorry, OP, but given your current circumstances I must disagree. By allowing your son to continue to sleep under the same roof as your abusive boyfriend, you are jopardizing his emotional well-being, if not physical safety, and that excludes you from any consideration as a "good mother." A good mother puts her child(ren)'s best interests before her love life. Please get the professional help you so desperately need to break the cycle of dependence on men, dysfunction, and abuse. You currently lack the understanding, insight, and coping skills required to recognize and counter the textbook tactics your controlling and abusive boyfriend is employing, and you need information and support to make a clean, final, SAFE break from him. Oherwise you are dooming your son to silently endure a hellish childhood.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): He tells you he loves you - but this is NOT love or anything like it. Love is about caring and respecting someone, not abusing them. You need to leave this man as soon as possible. What changed and when? Was it when you moved in together or shortly after. Abusive men are often charming and perfect in the early part of the relationship until you are hooked, then they gradually start eroding yourself self-esteem. I would say leave him and be on your own with your son for a while, build up your confidence and only slowly let another man into your life when you are ready.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): "Why do I always end up with abusive men?"
Because you have unrealistic expectations ("he would tell me just how perfect i was he was perfect") and so you are drawn to guys who pay attention to you and fawn over you and flatter you and tell you everything you want to hear instead of looking for compatible personalities and shared interests and admirable qualities in them.
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Hiyaaa,
Instantly I can spot a problem after reading what you wrote. This goes for everyone not just you… a man cannot change a women and a women cannot change a man. Whatever you do you cannot change a man ways just like your ex who is a crack addict you cannot change his ways even if they say yhh I want to change… still you cannot ever fully change a man… coz this can lead to divorce and a lot of downs. So what you need to do is stop questioning yourself that you pick rubbish men its just you gotta change your views of wanting to change your man into a better man coz it doesn’t work. If someone wants to change naturally they would want to do for themselves.
Secondly as blunt as I can say, to have a successful relation you gotta keep your eyes wide open you find a man and when you get married or what not close your eyes. With the current relationship you’re in I honestly think you should call it quits coz what happen if it gets ugly like abusive and violent? I mean no one deserves to do that you just gotta get outta there while you can and maybe get some friends or family to help you coz if that man hits you coz you when call it quits it can seriously damage you. So whatever you do get outta there while you can coz once your married to him you’ll get a smokey eye everyday and Im not talking about make up honey.
Don’t beat yourself up coz you think you find abusive men, one day you will find the perfect man that will treat you right and honestly you deserve so much better than the current man. Just a little tip and advice if a man treats his family right then you know you got a good man but like I said I really hope that you get outta this relationship with your current guy coz I really feel that you should and even though I don’t know you but I feel that you honestly really deserve a lot better than an arsehole that gets all hefty about a towel and the bathroom bin! OMG please where else you gotta put those pads in the garden no actually you should put em in his bedroom bin :P
Nevertheless I wish you best of luck and hopefully my advice will help!
Lots of love,
Ima FreAk!
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A
female
reader, Sinful_thinker89  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 It's how you carry yourself, men may see that you're vulnerable and take advantage. Starting small and seeing how far they can get and you putting up with it instead of leaving they enjoy it. It's called emotional abuse but that's only if you allow it. I honestly don't see why you stayed.
1. Leave now! Because your son does not need to interpret his ways as being a good guy and growing up thinking that's how you treat someone.
2. Have more confidence and carry yourself better! Instead of worrying about relationships worry about yourself and your son.
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