| A
age
41-50,
*
writes: I need help. I love my fiance and he loves me. We have been together for seven years. I recently found out he has been flirting on his job sites and got a girls number and was texting her. And he hit on a friend of ours. He keeps telling me how sorry he is. I feel so betrayed. We are supposed to get married in two months. He still wants to get married. Everyone tells me to postpone the wedding. I really dont want to. I have been dreaming of marrying thia man since I met him. What should I do? How do I trust him again?
View related questions:
fiance, flirt, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 March 2013):
You are in the rare position of knowing some very valuable information before you make the most important decision of your life. You really know everything you need to know about him. Thank your personal God you learned BEFORE you got married.
(PS - yes, if you marry this man, he will cheat on you with 100% certainty, and you will be 100% at fault for putting yourself in that situation when you knew better....)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
 often doing what our head says is the right thing leaves our hearts breaking.... a very sad but true fact.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the great advice. It has truly opened my eyes to the right thing to do. Unfortunately its not following my heart.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Hello and sorry to hear you are going through this emotional turmoil. It's tough to find out that the man you love and thought you knew is out and about acting up. 7 years is a long time, I feel from your post that you have been extremely shocked to find out this has gone on. What you don't say is how long had it been going on. I would say your best bet is as everyone says, absolutely postpone this wedding. There are definite issues which need to be discussed and gone over and yes possible counseling needed here and this is if you would like to continue your relationship with this man. It certainly seems as if you do, Do Not close your eyes to this and roll over in denial ok. Face it head on and he will need to also realize that what he did is not alright at all and can never be undone now, trust being gone out the window... Losing trust in a relationship is serious and how can you trust him again? You may not ever fully trust him again unfortunately and if you stick with it this is a risk you will need to take. I'm not going to bash you about dreaming of marrying your man since you met him because you wanted to marry someone you thought you knew and recently have found out you actually dont. That's hard stuff... Please open your eyes though and postpone the wedding, there are more important issues at hand to work on. My thoughts are with you and good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): If you don't want to wait, the don't. Marry him, but don't be surprised when you find out that his behavior hasn't changed. The reason everyone is telling you to wait is so you two can sort out details of the relationship and his 'messing around'. They're trying to spare you heartache of finding out your fiance/husband is contacting other women.Ultimately you make the choice, the question is; are you going to put up with it?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
How in the world can you say this man loves you…
He’s “flirting on his job sites” well that could mean anything… define flirting.. is he trying to hit on these women? Or just passing the time? I tend to defend flirting till I know what folks actually mean by it.
He’s got a girls number and he’s texting her… do they text about the weather? Or are they actually sexting? Is he trying to be sexual with her or just friends???
He hit on a friend of yours… behind your back I assume? How did you find out…. Again was this hitting to get her in bed???
If he’s being sexual and he’s lying and sneaking around then… yeah you have a problem
Now you say I don’t want to postpone the wedding… but how do I trust him again.
Why do you want to marry a man you do not trust?
Here’s my take on it… if you have caught him and have let him off the hook for this “unacceptable behavior” then it’s NOT unacceptable… it’s just going to cause a fight every time you catch him. And he will continue to do it because he knows you will accept it and all he has to do is ride out the wave of your hurt and anger till you forgive him and take him back again…
He will keep doing it.
You say “I’ve been dreaming of marrying HIM since I met him”
Really… since YOU MET HIM? Before you really knew him. And now you DREAM OF MARRYING A LIAR and A CHEATER YOU DON’T TRUST.
YOU DREAM of marrying the man you want him to be not the man he is.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 You've been dreaming of marrying a liar and a cheat? Nice one. Tell me; why would you want to marry a man who is always eyeing up other girls?
I would go so far as to say, if you can't trust him, forget postponing the wedding... Don't marry him at all.
How can you have a relationship, let alone a marriage, with someone you can't trust? Marriage is for life. You really want this for the rest of your life?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 You write: "..What should I do? How do I trust him again?"
1. You postpone the wedding for at least six months.
2. You don't even CONSIDER to trust him until those six months are up...... AND, only after he has gone through a complete metamorphosis, and become trustworthy, do you offer to trust him... a little bit, at first... then, later, more.... IF he has PROVED himself worthy of your trust...
You also write: "...I have been dreaming of marrying thia man since I met him." Does that still apply if that "dream" that you crave is going to be a NIGHTMARE????
Remember, marriages are EASY to start, but difficult and gut-wrenching to stop.....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (27 February 2013):
 If you can't trust him, you definitely shouldn't marry him.
Call the wedding off now before it's too late.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 You're probably thinking that you invested all this time into this relationship and it was always your dream to marry him. If you lose this opportunity, you feel like you'll regret it the rest of your life.If you marry this man right now, I guarantee you will regret this decision after the beautiful memory of the ceremony wears off, and after he cheats on you a few more times.The decision is really yours. We all have our paths to follow, our mistakes to make, our lessons to learn. I just hope that this lesson does not destroy you.No harm in postponing the wedding until you figure out what is right for you. I'm not saying to leave him, but you need to figure out the positives and negatives in this relationship. One big negative is the fact that he will always cheat on you. Can you live with that? Do the positives outweigh this? Only you can figure that out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): He's really not ready for marriage. My ex-husband was this way, and I kept giving myself excuses that he just had cold feet and that he would be different after marriage. It only got worse; he cheated on me and continued to hit on friends and co-workers. I would postpone the wedding, take a break from the relationship and really evaluate if this man is truly right for you. He also needs to realize the severity of his actions and that you won't tolerate it. You might be able to work it out, but in my personal opinion based on experience, I would say he might be right for you years down the road when he grows up but not now. You might have better luck with someone else you is really ready to commit to you. Sorry you're going through this, but realize that you're considering taking a major step down a life path with someone who might be wasting your time. At least, in retrospect, that's how I felt about my ex who acted the same way. I lost 10 years because I didn't take charge sooner. Life's too short to make those mistakes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Honey, a ring on your finger, a nice ceremony and pretty dress will not magically FIX this.
You two needs to AT LEAST consider some pre-marital counseling.
He wants to marry you because you are THERE - you didn't say F THIS! and walk away.
You can't trust him. But how can you marry a guy you can't trust? How can you consider having kids with him? A future?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): I wish I could tell you what you want to read, but I can't. This man had a choice and he choice to cross relationship boundaries.He's not ready for marriage. If he was and he understood and felt love, trust, loyalty and committment, he would not have done what he did. Is he sorry for what he did, or he is sorry he got caught? This was a huge sign of who he really is and it's not something you should ignore or think is going to change when you get married. For whatever reason, he is weak in this department and needs to figure out what he really wants. It seems right now, he is not ready for any of it.I would postpone this marriage and get this mess figured out. He is going to tell you everything you want to hear...he screwed up and he knows it, but again, he still had a choice each, and every time, and he made poor, unacceptable ones instead of respecting you and loving you enough to, not lead into temptation.Trust is earned, not handed back on a silver platter...this guy needs to earn your trust back and he has to do it until...not just this week, next week, next year...he does it until. Please do not wear rose colored glasses and hope for the best...trust your instincts...they are always right. You also shouldn't have to worry when he is at work, or wonder when the next time will be...not a good way to start your married life.Go see a counselor...perhaps a professional impartial third party can explain how important all this is and what your fiance's actions have caused...make him think about it and figure out what he wants to do. If you accept this behavior, you are only telling him it's okay what he did, and down the road...he will only work harder at hiding it better.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wyatt_shark  +, writes (27 February 2013):
hmmmm yea postpone it, it's ur wedding ; a matter of ur life! Maybe u met that man Perfect' but it was a fake image of him, so beware
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 February 2013):
It's one thing to "make a mistake". This guy didn't make a mistake, he disrespected you and put his sexual gratification ahead of your relationship.
Is that the type of man that makes a good husband? If you can't bring yourself to break up with him at least don't make the mistake of marrying him.
He'll just do it again because that's who he is.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): So two months before your wedding day, this guy cheats on you, his partner of seven years, by flirting with other girls, texting other girls, and hitting on a mutual friend of yours? I'm sorry, but I don't think this is the same guy you've been dreaming of marrying. Obviously, since there are multiple offenses, this isn't the first time he has cheated, or tried to cheat, and you're kidding yourself if you think it's the last time. If you want to trust him again, he needs to earn that trust. And it's going to take more than two months to get that back. He had seven years to earn your trust the first time, and yet he chose to betray it. Marriage isn't going to magically change who a person is going into it. Everyone else who loves you is telling you to postpone the wedding. Take their advice. You won't regret it.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Honestly, I think that "everyone" is right. I think postponing would be a good idea. You can't trust him again overnight, trust takes time to earn it and this has been a major breach of trust. Marriage will not make these issues better, believe me. It will magnify problems, and then you will be in a legal bind and not able to easily break things off if you find that he goes back to having a wandering eye. He has definitely betrayed your relationship in a very major way, and I would not ignore that.
Best of luck! I'm so sorry for your situation... it really, really sucks.
...............................
|
