A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 24 years old. He dropped outta High School due to severe insomnia. He has no license, no job, and syill lives with his parents. He has big plans for his future but it seems he doesn't care to do anything about yet he always complains about what he wished he had and his dreams. He never has motivation. He won't even help clean, do laundry, or help take care of our guinea pig. He stays on his Xbox and acts up like a pre-teen would. One moment which is rare he'll get all into doing these things he wants and even to stop smoking but the next day that disappears. He's very intelligent and can do great things but I'm afraid he's just gonna throw his life away. What can I do? I'm scared he's just gonna be like this the rest of his life. I've yried helping but my methods aren't working. I want him to succeed. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Dear OP,
He’s already thrown his life away.. if you stay with him you will end up playing x-box living in his parents basement and supporting him.
You say
“He dropped outta (sic) High School due to severe insomnia.”
Umm.. so he couldn’t get a GED instead? And what a lousy EXCUSE for dropping out of school… insomniacs still hold jobs and function….
You add:
“He never has motivation. He won't even help clean, do laundry, or help take care of our guinea pig. He stays on his Xbox and acts up like a pre-teen would.”
And if you stay with him it will be the same in your own home and he won’t contribute to the household in any way.
Do his parents let him live rent free, not going to school or working??? They do him no favors….
Does he have learning disabilities or ADHD? If so he can get assistance to help him with getting his GED and moving on with his life. Often very smart people have disorders that hold them back and don’t know how to find the help they need….
If you choose to stay with him, you are not going to change him. He is going to be like this for the rest of his life… YOU can’t fix this.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 You write: "...What can I do? I'm scared he's just gonna be like this the rest of his life...."
From the "sound" of your description of this guy.. he IS "gonna be like this the rest of his life." Do YOU want to be the one who is by his side.... and compromises HER life in order to share the shallow existence that one can readily and easily predict is his future?
You CAN'T "save the world".... and, from your description of things, you won't be able to "save" this guy, either.
YOU need to make a serious choice.... a 5-year-old "boyfriend" in a 24-year-old body.... OR something - ANYTHING - else....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Cerberus is right - there is nothing you can do. You are just a second Mom to him, providing an easy life where he doesnt need to lift a finger. He is a grown man, not a child and he knows exactly what he is doing. This is his lifestyle choice, and his personality - you cannot change a man's personality I'm afraid.
He chose to drop out of school, he chose to carry on smoking, he chooses not to help clean or look after your pet, he chooses to play Xbox all day - THIS IS THE LIFE HE WANTS.
So now the choice is yours - do you carry on being a second Mom for the rest of your life, supporting an overgrown child forever, working your ass off to pay for his laziness?
Or do you leave his lazy ass and find a real man? I know you care about him and I'm sure you love him, but you have to accept that this is his personality and its not going to change, so do you want to stay with a person like this?
Motivation can only come from within, and he will only succeed if he wants to. And at the moment he has no reason to get motivated, you and his parents give him everything he needs for free - so why bother working at anything?
I know this isnt what you wanted to hear, but it is like a drug addict or alcoholic - they have to hit rock bottom before they want to make any changes in their lives. And your boyfriend is nowhere near rock bottom because he has his parents supporting him and you there for everything else. It will take you leaving him and his parents kicking him out before he even comes close to making changes in his life I'm afraid.
So I guess its up to you - do you want to put up with him being like this forever, or would that make you so unhappy you would have to leave?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): There's nothing you can do. He dropped out of high school, so basically he's been like this 6-7 years?
That's not just a phase or a rut OP, that's a complete personality and lifestyle.
OP he's not going to succeed because he's not ambitious, a person who has big dreams and doesn't do anything meaningful in the long term to get them but just talks about them is what we call a dreamer. Dreamers never amount to anything in the career sense because they never change their lives if they're comfortable. Don't mistake having dreams for ambition OP, ambitious people get shit done and they work hard to realize their ambitions. Dreamers don't.
OP he may not be like this his entire life, but he's the kind of person who has no motivation when he's comfortable and can you really see him having that comfort taken away any time soon? Do you really think if even he did that he'd do more than the bare minimum to keep his head afloat?
He has no formal education so he's not going to get any kind of great job, which isn't a big deal of course except I doubt he's be happy to choose flipping burgers over playing Call of duty, it took me until the age of 28 to go back to college and start my career but I was working from the age of 17, living independently from the age of 18, travelled Europe when I was 19 for 3 years, I lived a life based on getting what I wanted in life done. My dream was to get my own place, so I worked for that, after that I wanted to see the world, so I did that, I took a year or two when I got back to do absolutely nothing but work, party and play video games, but I paid for all that myself, that's what I wanted in life and I didn't have any other dreams at that moment I just floated along. As soon as I discovered what I wanted to do I went and did that, why wait around?
6-7 years is not a rut OP, it's a comfortable lifestyle and one he is happy in.
He has a loving girlfriend sex and compaionship with no effort, he has his mommy to wipe his arse, drive him everywhere and buy his games, he gets to float on by in life without having to do anything and that's how he likes to live. I honestly find nothing at all wrong with that either OP, it's his life, he gets to live it the way he wants.
There is nothing you can do to change that, OP he's got it made, he has no responsibilities in life at all, he gets everything handed to him on a plate and no one expects anything of him including you.
You can want him to succeed all you want OP, but guess what, you've just become his second mommy then. Nagging and trying to guide him and push him into getting up off his arse and building a proper life for himself according to what you think his life should be like. He's a grown man OP, perfectly capable of making his own choices and path in life. So he has two mothers now. You're scared and worried he's not the man you think he should be just like his mother and just like his mother you clean up, do laundry and take care of the guinea pig.
I mean honestly OP "My boyfriend is 24 years old. He dropped outta High School due to severe insomnia." change the word 'boyfriend' in that sentence and put in 'son' and this whole post would sound exactly like what a mother would say wouldn't it?
You're acting like his mother not his girlfriend. You talk about him like he's your child not your partner OP.
Have you ever considered that this is just how he wants to live his? Some people prefer to just dream OP, prefer to just be comfortable, relaxed and dream about big things and enjoy the fantasy. You see there's nothing you can say or do that will change the person he is OP, I actually don't think there's anything wrong with him mentally, society tells us constantly we must realize our potential, we must succeed, we must do well and contribute and be good little tax payers, but you know what? Some people don't buy that shit at all, some people like to just be comfortable and are perfectly happy never doing anything with their lives.
You need to accept him for he is OP and not try and change him into the person you think he should be, you're not his mother and who are you to say he'd be happy actually working hard? He may hate that kind of life, and you know what? If he did start becoming that guy, becoming driven and ambitious then he may no longer be the boyfriend you fell in love with, because his entire personality would change.
Stop worrying about him, he's happy where he is and how his life is going, if you're not happy having a boyfriend who is like that then you know what you have to do, but it's unfair for you to expect him to be the guy think he should be, his life, his choice how he lives it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): I am American...so please understand that I love my country....America sucks right now. Too many people are unaccountable for pathetic behavior and way too much political correctness that make you feel evil for judging other people.
Here is the cold truth...you boyfriend is a bum. Everyone has problems, but HE thinks his are special. Dump him now. There are still good men in America, but that population is dwindling fast.
If your boyfriend can't take care of himself how in the hell can he be responsible enough to be in a mature relationship. Dump him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Your boyfriend is a child. If he hasn't grown up yet, he probably never will. You need to ask yourself what kind of future he could possibly provide for you. It's not your job to motivate or change him, he should already have done that for you. My advice? Break up with him. If that isn't motivation enough for this kid to change his lifestyle, then the bottom line is he doesn't love you more than he loves himself. Make him earn you. Don't settle for less than you're worth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): My exboyfriend of three years was the exact same way. He had all of these dreams and goals in life, and yet he dropped out of college and never did find a job, although he "intended" to. Basically he fell into a 2 year slump. I tried sticking by his side to help him figure his life out, but I soon came to realize there was really nothing I could do about it. It was up to him, he had to be the one to get off the couch and get his life back together. I ended up breaking things off with him and not talking to him for a few months, and guess what! It served as a reality check for him and he went back to school and found a job. I don't know if this will help you out, but I really think he needs to help himself.
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