A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I kindly need your opinion regarding my marriage situation.I have been married for 5 years with the man I loved with all my heart.We've been together for 11 years prior to marriage(since high school).We couldn't marry and live together because of circumstances out of our control,but we cherished the time we had together.He treated me like a princess.I was so happy!In this 11 years we have been together for good times and bad times,he was there for me for everything I have ever needed and off course I was there for him .I lost one of my loved ones,he had to deal with a depression,but we supported each other in every situation.The nightmare started the week before our religious wedding.I was shocked! He became a different person.That's the time when he also stopped showing me any affection.He hasn't kissed or held me since then(maybe a couple times after wedding).He started to yell at me so I comply with his mom's wishes about how the religious ceremony should be organized at the church and even at the reception.She had her wishes and they had to be fulfilled.I couldn't believe my eyes!Was this the man I wanted to marry? Not anymore,but we were already married legally,so we were only talking about the religious wedding at the church.So I thought,we'll have the reception and everything and then we'll break up.And I told him so.He could care less of what I was saying as long as I complied with his mom's wishes.The funny part is I paid for everything too(with very few little exceptions).After the wedding things have calmed down for a bit and I was starting to find him excuses,that he was stressed and this is why he reacted like that(he also had a depression a few years back),so I started to have hope.But then he found a new reason to yell at me.We lived together with roommates to save some money to buy a home,so he didn't like the situation and he blamed it on me(he was also drinking at the time,now he stopped).He had some health issues at the time so he had to stop working.He did a couple surgeries and now thankfully he is fine,but he never started working again since then and it's been three years.We bought a house(I had a lot of savings before our marriage so that helped a lot),so he had another reason for yelling as he was not happy (in the beginning with the house)-that he wanted it bigger ,in another area and so on and off course as always it was my fault even though he was involved in the decision making as much a me,but I was the only one paying for it as he was not working.The house was not in such a great shape so he painted it outside and inside(he is very skilled)-so it looks great now-that's about the only thing he did in the three years we lived in it as he still didn't work.Now,one of my parents is sick and needs my care,so I was hoping he will help by getting a job,but it doesn't seem that he is even thinking about it.He knows that I can handle everything on my own and yes,I can financially and from all points of view,but I am no longer happy and patient with him.He still yells at me all the time and things seem to be getting worse especially since I told him that he needs to get a job.He started criticizing me about everything(even in front of other people),saying that I am lazy as I don't cook(because I worked very long hours and commuted in these years and he just stayed home he did most of the cooking and I only did some of the cleaning).He says I am not a good wife and I don't behave like a woman-to be honest I am not crazy for cleaning,but I do clean(my place was clean before he moved with me) and I love to cook when I am rested,for example on weekend if I don't work that day.When I am exhausted though and work extended hours,no,I don't like to cook,I prefer to go to cafeteria.Even the vacation was a nightmare.When I reserved the hotel he was not happy,he said I was cheap and bought a cheap hotel in an unsafe area,I told him we can just leave and book another but he didn't stop yelling.If I didn't book for the next place and days he also started yelling at me as to why I didn't book it(I asked him to confirm what he would like but he didn't say anything)-he made me go to the reception to book it while he rested in the car as he was tired from driving(I offered to drive but he said I drive to slow).Most of the time he lives me in the hotel room in the evening and comes back around 12.I complained,but he says it's normal.He likes to wonder around by himself.Sex was amazing before we got married,but after,was rare,once a month maybe or once every couple of months.A few months ago I completely and for the first time ever refused sex with him.I feel like a prostitute since he doesn't show any affection towards me.I told him to split the accounts,sell the house and go on with our lives,but he doesn't take me serious.He never apologized and he thinks I am crazy and too rigid.He doesn't care if I cry,if I am sad or hurt of what he says.He says he was stupid before we got married and he did too much for me and that's why I go crazy.He does care about me when I am sick,he drove me to work since I have a long commute and he even brought me food at my desk as I had so much work that I couldn't take lunch and many times I ended up not eating(I am allowed to work from home sometimes too when I have insane amount of work).He also does the yard work at the house and occasionally helped with installation of furniture/appliances at my grandparents home.This is the story of my life with good and with bad,and I am hoping you will have the patience to read.I am very grateful for every word you may have to say. What did I do wrong?I was the same person before I got married and he loved me then.I feel it may be that he is still affected by stress more than the average people as he suffered depression,but I can't live like this anymore.What should I do? Due to downsizing in my company most likely I will also lose my job and I have to take care of my sick mom while she goes through some surgeries.He wants to come with me(it's out of state),but I don't want to see him(since he treats me so badly)and I don't want to be paying for plane ticket and other expenses when he is not working and nor looking for work.Please help with any advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (1 October 2011):
Just tell him to respect you and address you as an adult, no yelling. You seem to be under greater stress than he is. Let him know that. Is he flexing muscles because his mum or some stupid friends have told him to rule over you because he is a man and you must submit? Weak people sometimes take and manifest poor judgment. But if you intend to stay with him, it's time to tell him some truths, stop excusing his excesses.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): it is natural and normal. Reality sets in after marriage and most of the time women do feel that her man is changed, but truly it is seldom true. it is just that now you and he are both have become more responsible in life and ( you have to ). enjoy.. do not break you head on unnecessary worries.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (28 September 2011):
It seems as though he's being stubborn. From your latest update you stated " Yesterday he seemed to finally take me more serious when I told him I need time away from him and he seemed willing to talk rather than yelling" It seems as though he's willing to Chase u if youre willing to leave. There is some learning and developing that needs to happen both as a couple and individually, perhaps. Everyone's fighting for their way. You have control, n he is pissed bc he wants it. Instead of giving in he wages....arguments....maybe he feels as though that's where he wins. In any event, I think you both have to have a willingness to let some things go, or do more for the sake of the relationship. It's sad really, and over time the feuds get old and one begin searching for happiness elsewhere. Ask him to speak and then listen. If you don't agree that's fine but don't react to his words...respond. You may come off too aggressive, assertive, passionate for him. I would love to know ur zodiacs. If simple dialogues can't help then I suggest separation or divorce. Let him know you need him as your rock right now and build his confidence and self esteem. In order for him to feel useful, he needs to hear it from u. You may have shattered his male ego with your I can do this without you passion, or the others could be right that he's just a lazy man that saw a fiercely loyal woman with ambitions and wanted to have that. Only you can decern what his intentions is with you. I would simply ask him if how he feels about you taking care of him and the bills forever. Crucial question bc it could determine what the end will be as far as divorce or stronger marriage. Wise choice holding off kids, I don't even know you and I have ample respect for you. I wonder if you married a mamas boy?
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (28 September 2011):
It seems as though he's being stubborn. From your latest update you stated " Yesterday he seemed to finally take me more serious when I told him I need time away from him and he seemed willing to talk rather than yelling" It seems as though he's willing to Chase u if youre willing to leave. There is some learning and developing that needs to happen both as a couple and individually, perhaps. Everyone's fighting for their way. You have control, n he is pissed bc he wants it. Instead of giving in he wages....arguments....maybe he feels as though that's where he wins. In any event, I think you both have to have a willingness to let some things go, or do more for the sake of the relationship. It's sad really, and over time the feuds get old and one begin searching for ha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your sweet words cmarieky :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you kindly for your response eddie85.Your opinion is so valuable to me.I have no clue myself why he suddenly changed.He also suffered from depression,but that was a couple of years before the wedding and he hasn't changed then.He only changed exactly after we were legally married,so, because both you and Aunt Honesty believe that he quit trying as he already had me I am now convinced that this is the reason(I was already thinking that). You are absolutely correct,he also has a list of things he is upset about.He is convinced that it is my fault.And in a way it is,because I was unhappy all this years(and I told him that),so I just tried harder to make things work,I compromised instead of setting things straight.I was never happy about him not working,even though our finances were fine.This is a big issue for me,but I was understanding for a long time as he was sick(other health issues plus the depression in the past) and he is more stressed than most of the people(so I think).I was constantly finding him excuses as to why he cannot work yet,not only for myself but for my friends who also started asking why he is not working since he doesn't seem to be sick anymore.Once I got the news about my mom(it's a very stressful medical situation and I don't know what the outcome will be)I think I also became less understanding about him not working,as I felt it was the time for him to help.This is the time when he became more angry with me than ever and I feel I cannot take this yelling anymore.We are exactly at the opposite sides.Yesterday he seemed to finally take me more serious when I told him I need time away from him and he seemed willing to talk rather than yelling.We don't have any children even though we both very much want them,we never tried because I just didn't feel ok to have a child while my husband doesn't work.He feels he very much compromised when he moved to the city where I worked and lived(prior to marriage) and he is no longer close by to his mom.He talks to her on the phone for hours,but I guess it is not enough.He never mentioned he doesn't want to move to my city until after the marriage.I believe this is the root-cause of his unhappiness and the cooking and other things he mentions, he is just throwing at me as reason to start a fight.He feels that I am making all the decisions and he has no control(he said that.If you have anything to else to add to your comments after reading the extra details I would very much appreciate it.Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 If you still love him then I think marriage counselling is the best route to go down. However if the love has gone then I would move out. Life is too short to put up with being yelled at and working like a drudge to support a man who should be helping with household bills.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (25 September 2011):
 Sadly, it sounds like from the get-go you really didn't get a long. You really don't offer any clues as to why he suddenly changed but I'll echo Aunt Honesty's response in saying it is likely he quit trying because he knew you were legally bound to him. Like it or not, you were/are stuck with him.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment built up and while you have a laundry list of things to be angry about, they really don't help in bringing you back together. I am sure that if he were to post a question on this site, he'd likely have a similar list of things that he would be upset about.
At this point, I think you have to take stock of what you have and whether you think it can be fixed -- and if you are willing to work hard to fix it. This will involve letting go of the past and working on the future. Also, he will have to realize what you have isn't working and will need to meet you half way. Also ask yourself if you honestly and truly can get along (especially if you have children).
I recommend you go to counseling to help you work out your differences -- or even go yourself to help you get back your self-esteem and confidence. It will also help you unload a lot of anger, fear and resentment that you've been carrying around with you the past years. You owe it to yourself to be free of that.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the time you took to read my long post and to respond.I so much needed to hear what someone else had to say.I didn't talk to any of my friends about all this hell,I would've felt bad talking behind his back.I know some people change after marriage,but I never expected the change to be this deep.You are right,I need to leave him,but deep in my heart I still hope that maybe he will change when he will see that he can really lose me. Have a wonderful Sunday and thanks again!
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (25 September 2011):
My heart goes out for you. You seem like such an amazing trophy. I guess your husband want Martha Stewart, Florence from the Jefferson, and Betty White all in you....cooking, cleaning, working forever. I think you should definitely sell the house soon. And your moms unfortunate illness may be just the escape you need to sell the house...and move to her state. It would be good to invite him to live with you. Also hopefully you're able to transfer to the city your moms reside, sometimes that means being demoted but at least you'll be employed when u arrive. I agree you need to divorce, or become his estranged wife. Financially I wouldn't divorce bc he may contest it. But I would most certainly pack up and leave without even giving him the slightest hint. With divorce you may end up paying him spousal support since he's unemployed and gains more from u then u from him. To protect what monies you have remaining I think you should sell the house while ur married and invite him to move to wherever with you and when ur mom gets well just up n leave. I think you should try to minimize your loses by having separate accounts. You seem so incredibly kind and intelligent, this isn't at all what u deserve. Verbal abuse and emotional neglect only gets worse....do not stay around to see what the end will be. Life with you is comfortable for him and he likes it as such, meanwhile youre living in a very unpleasant marriage with no comfort. You're young enough to find another male or be found by one. And so what if you don't meet anyone immediately....you can obviously handle your own. I really wish the best for you and I hope you find your way out of your current debacle. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 You never done anything wrong. Once you guys were legally married he stopped trying so hard because he knew then that he had you. He has probably just gotten lazier and lazier and now is treating you very bad. He is not good for you. He doesn't care about you the way he should and he is treating you wrong. Don't keep living like this. He should be out earning money and not living off you. Tell him it is over. I know that it is hard and sounds scary but you will be so much happier and plus you need to start watching your money now in case you need it for the future.
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