A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,any advice would be appreciated!right, first of all I'll tell you the basic story. I'm with this guy. I met him in college, he's similar to me in things like music, and our views on things, I get on well with his family and he does with mine which is important to me. I've been with him 8 months and he's good to me, I trust him 100% and he's the type of guy I could seriously settle down with. He doesn't make much effort with me in terms of taking me out or doing things and so sometimes I can feel a bit bored, and sometimes would like to be taken out for a meal or even just a day out somewhere. I have mentioned it, but he doesn't have a job or any money, and he won't let me take us out because he doesn't want me to spend money on us as he says that would hurt him knowing he couldn't afford to do things with me. The past month or two, I keep getting this weird feeling where I think I don't love him, I've ended things once but then couldn't be without him for more than a day.Now, there's this other guy who is my friend. I've been with him once and it didn't work, although he has loved me for years, and everyone knows it. He is everything you could want in a guy, although I'm not fully attracted to him as more than a friend, I think I could be. He wants to move to Australia because he's got family there, and he's got a working visa etc and is going in three weeks, he says he has nothing to stay here for because whilst he's here he is loving me, and when he goes he can move on.Although he said he would give anything to be with me, therefore he wouldn't go if things would happen between us!!!!!!So, I'm starting to think of the relationship I'm in, and comparing it with the one I could have. And I'm beginning to feel doubtful.Maybe I'm just feeling this because I'm about to never see him again? And so I feel like it's now or never,Now, is it even fair to consider breaking up with my boyfriend for him, and ruining his chance of going to Australia, because what if it never even works out? So would it be best to let him go, have his life. After all he deserves it. He's in my friendship group and we are all going to festival next year, so I'd see him then. But he could have a girlfriend thenI know it's a vague question, but I really need some advice. I can't go to my friends because they would be biased on their opinions of my boyfriend or the friend. (the friend is friends with all my friends so they would all want me to be with him.)xxxx
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 This is a very big decision to make and off course you are going to be nervous because so many things can go wrong and ruin peoples lives. You said you aren't attracted to him as more than a friend so I think the best thing that you can do is just to leave it be. It didn't work out in the past and I think the reason for this is because he is a friend to you and that is it. You are having a few problems in your current relationship now and that is making you feel like it might be better to get with your friend because you know that he has deep feelings for you. But you don't feel the same therefore I think you will end up hurting him without meaning to. He is your friend and off course you will miss him when he goes but I think the best thing that you can do is let him go and heal. He needs to move on with his life and be happy so let him. As for your current boyfriend well I think you need to figure out if he is the man for you or not. It doesn't sound like you are getting everything out of the relationship that you want. So it might be time to think about moving on with your own life without him.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (25 September 2011):
 I think you should just let sleeping dogs lie.
You have already said you dont feel more than just friends for this guy - possibly there is more, but it didnt work out once and it is unlikely to again.
He obviously has very deep feelings for you if he needs to go to Australia to get away from it.
He has booked tickets, has a visa, has it all set up ready to go.
So, you decide actually he is the one you want, you date, he doesnt go to Australia. What if it doesnt work. He will resent you for the fact he missed out on the experience of a lifetime. He will blame you for leading him on.
Let him go to Australia. Let him have the time of his life, and yes, he may come back with a girlfriend, but that is life. Let him be happy and move on.
The fact you say this "although I'm not fully attracted to him as more than a friend" is a red flag warning. If you really felt deeply there would be no questions. This is just a combination of the fact he is leaving and the fact you are unhappy with your current boyfriend.
By playing with your friends feelings and leading him on suggesting you *may* feel the same will break his heart. Not only are you potentially stopping him from going to Australia, missing out on the trip of a lifetime, you also make yourself out to be a very selfish person as you do not care about his feelings at all.
Do the grown up thing. Let him be and move on. Some relationships are just not mean to be.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (25 September 2011):
 Well maybe you are feeling it because you are never likely to see him again but that doesnt make that feeling necessarily false, does it? It just means circumstances have brought things to a head. I think from what your friend is saying to you, he is really trying to find out how you feel so you have a big choice to make don't you. This is going to sound selfish and hard-nosed on the first reading but bear with me and I will explain. Stop thinking about others and start thinking about you want.
Ultimately in these situations the road to hell ends up being paved with good intentions - so the more selfless you think your being, the more selfish you end up being and thats why you need to stop fretting over the others in this situation for a second. This way you will achieve the clarity you need about what you want to make the right choice for *you* - then you will be in a position to tell everybody else clearly where they stand.
Now it maybe true that the deficencies in your current relationship are making the grass appear greener with your friend but on the other hand it may well be the case that your true feelings are for your friend and you have put him in the friend zone out of respect for your current boyfriend and/or as a way of protecting yourself from heavy emotional investment (and therefore potential heartache), I dont know (though, if I am honest I think your feelings are deeper for your friend) but either way you need to make that call and you need to make it soon. Write pros/cons out if it helps or talk it over with a friend but be sure to make the right call for you because this is a biggie and getting it wrong could cause a world of future heartache. So, choose wisely, I think you know the answer deep down, all you have to do is find your way too it. Good luck and best wishes for whatever you choose :)x
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A
female
reader, babylav  +, writes (25 September 2011):
dont try to analyse too much and keep pondering on what is right and what is wrong..choose one with whom you are absolutely sure you are in love with.and stand by the one you choose!your choice should come spontaneously ,in this situation you might be tempted to two time ..but DON'T !!because you may end up losing both or atleast hurting them..and whomever you decide to stay with your relationship will never be the same again if you did that!now1.)the first guy has no fault but the bottomline is you are not happy with him,he is the way he is ..he is good the way he is and he deserves a person who loves him truly..not partly,someone who would completely pledge her life to him.now if you decide to go with this guy there is no point unless you are going to be able to be that person ,it would be sensible if you move away from his life rather than become a nagging wife who is not happy and who isn't going to make him happy.if you really love him (the first guy) ..and the other guy is just an infatuation then its fine choose the 1st one and let the other guy go..2.)coming to the second one,your friend,you say you have been with him before and it didnt work!why ??will it work this time..?is that problem solved?he clearly loves you like crazy,so does the 1st one but what each have to offer is different!so its really upto you...he is ready to actually stay back just for you!so dont reserve the ticket for both shows and play the yo-yo.if you choose the second one you have to stay with him and not run back to the first one.and vice versa.do you have the passion for him,and does he understand you well? or is it just an infatuation?its not just because he is moving honey.the truth is that the moment has come for you to choose!you are lucky that you have two really nice guys holding their hands out to you,in this world of complicated relationships thats not too common.pick the man who can give you the best and whom YOU can give back your best!use your heart as a navigator for this..not for your friends or society or anything just from your heart.remember that when you leave one over the other you are doing two good deeds..but if you hold on to both then you will be hurting both as well as getting yourself a bad image :)
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