A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married now for over 8 years and in that entire time, we have been fighting over the same thing: trust. He has broken that trust to the point that it can never be repaired. For the rest of my life, I will never trust him again. Period. Being as we have children together, it's most of what's been keeping me in the relationship and at least trying to cohabit with each other. Honestly, we get along pretty good as friends, but (and on many occasions) my lack of trust takes over and I become this person I've NEVER wanted to be: I check his emails and online history, I always need to know where he is at every second of the day and once I'm convinced that he has something to hide you will never be able to convince me otherwise. I'm emotionally and physically drained over the fact there is no trust, and so is he. So you'd think this was the easy part, right? Just leave him. Well, here is my dilemma:I've approached him on many, many occasion that I want out of the relationship. At the very least, I need time to think and to repair myself before I can even begin to work on our relationship (if it CAN be worked on). I've also told him flatly that right now I WONT work on our relationship because I just don't have it in me anymore. He has flatly refused over the years to even let me separate. I've asked him to work together with me on a separation so we can make this easier for ourselves and for the kids. His answer was: "If you want to leave, then you have to do it on your own. I will NOT make it easy for you and I will fight you every step of the way." Needless to say, I'm hitting a brick wall. Last night I approached him with an idea. Since there is such a lack of trust between us, with every question I ask him I feel I'm either not getting the truth or a straight answer, I feel that it would make me feel a lot better if he would submit to a polygraph test. What I was looking for was "A Polygraph? Fine! If that's what you want and it will make you feel better, fine, I'll take it. I've been telling you the truth and I have nothing to hide." What I got was "I don't know" at first, then a flat "No" because (for his reasonings) they're not reliable and he just knows with the way he "gets so nervous" that he'll end up with false-positives and so forth. I told him he could even do his research and pick out whoever he wants. I also told him that this relationship was riding on this as, in my opinion, it was our last hope. He flatly refused. Now, I'm stuck with thinking that he's most definitely got something to hide, no trust. Back to square one. I really would like other opinions on what to do in this type of situation. I'm not looking for man-bashing as I know I'm no angel in this either, I've done my fair share of "giving him hell" for doing the things he's done. Am I worrying too much about whether he's still lying to me? Should I just leave him or work it out, even when there's no trust? Am I being a stuffy witch and just don't know when to relax? I just want ideas on what to do...
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (28 August 2009):
 Take the kids and leave or kick him out. Its obvious that you don't love him anymore. You won't or can't trust him. It seems like you don't really want anything more than to be away from him.It makes no sense to keep you in a relationship if you are unhappy.Life's too short. Why should you waste so much time and energy on something that is hopelessly broken?
A
male
reader, bouncer  +, writes (28 August 2009):
I dont think you could ever be truly happy again with this man. Once that special trust that a loving couple have is gone then there is very little left. You owe it to yourself and the children to be happy. You are still a very young woman and life is to short to live in misery
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): What did he do in the first place to break the trust?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Life is too short...can u really be this stressed for the rest of your life? I can see what he means about the lie detector test because i have often wondered myself what would happen if you were just nervious and it came out wrong. But it seems to me like he hasn't said much about working on the trust issue in any other way either. If you're both not going to work on it then what's the point?Also he sounds a lot like my ex who was a liar, they are very good at making excuses that seem to plausable you cant argue against them, and convincing you its your fault to the point that you believe them, when you know in your gut that neither of these things are true. I think one of you needs to be the strong one. This is an unhappy situation for you both but I feel like he is just too scared of walking away, hence all of the threats, so you have to be the one to do it, if quite frankly you want to have a happy and peaceful future either on your own or with someone who you can have a trusting healthy relationship with. If you don't leave you are cheating yourself out of these options. I have been in a similar situation where there was absolutly no trust, and where u feel like youre turning into a complete psycho constantly questionning every little thing they do or say and yes it is exhausting. I questionned my behaviour and the way i acted, but i dont think you should take as much blame as you are doing, afterall if he hadn't broken the trust so many times you would have no reason to act like this. It sounds like in a way he has been quite successful in making you feel like that is your fault in some way and that's why he isnt going to let you go without a fight. But how is that ever going to be the basis for a happy future?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 August 2009):
 If you think you have to stay with this man, then the practical approach is to sort of live separate lives in the same household, and try to stay in conversational terms.
In my humble opinion, this is a very bad idea, however. I would leave. I don't think a relationship can be maintained, not even if it's just for the show, if trust is shattered to that extent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Well it really is a choice of two things:
1. Stay with him, and take all the hits and consequences of that choice, including accepting you do not trust him, then just be quiet and live with it.
2. Leave him. File. Get it done.
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