A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 5 years now. there is no intimacy in our marriage she does not want to have sex, and it is ruining our relationship what should i do, i want to ask her for divorce. or get separated
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (28 August 2009):
 You have several options. You can stay in the marriage and look outside of it to handle your sexual needs. Men and women do this all the time.You can simply walk out and sue for a divorce. That's more practical if you have little to no property and no children. Its quick and easy that way.Third, you can move out, find another place to live and separate from her. Then wait.I am guessing that there's some specific reason why she doesn't want sex and maybe you need to find out what it is before walking out the door. You need to look her in the eye and tell her that you are lonely in your marriage and she is the principal reason why. And if she cannot tell you why she won't have sex with you, then there's no point in you sticking around.Most women will finally tell you why. Others simply will never tell you.Its up to her. You can't put on a tin cap and read her mind. She has to tell you why it is that she won't show you love.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (28 August 2009):
 I am sorry to hear that you are so unhappy. Intimacy is very important and you both deserve it. I assume by intimacy that means sex to you... but intimacy is also emotional. Its been my experience that men equate intimacy to sex and women tend to equate it to emotional connection. You have to have both in order for the relationship to flourish. Many women don't understand the man's value on sex nor do men always understand how very important it is to a woman to have an emotional connection.
You didn't actually write a question you made a statement so I assume you are looking for confirmation that you should get a divorce. I am very pro-marriage, I believe that every effort should be used to preserve the most important relationship of your life. However, it does not mean stay and suffer... it means fight for a better marriage for both of you.
Calmly sit down with her and explain your concerns. Be specific and use phrases like "it hurts me that we don't have the intimate relationship that I need" be sure you are being vulnerable (emotional connection) and not accussing or blaming. Let her know you want solutions and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to create an awesome mutually fulfilling relationship... then if you have honestly done this... try to be an awesome husband, regardless of her response.
If after a few months of being perfectly loving, romantic, attentive, helpful, ect... you don't see any progress then approach her again and let her know that your needs are not being met and that this hurts you deeply. Consider a separation for both of you to think about the future of the relationship but don't list off everything you have done... let her miss you. Whatever you do do not start dating, or allow any other woman to become your friend during this period, protect your marriage, but be persistent in expecting an intimate relationship. Give it a few more months... and then consider divorce.
I know that seems like wasting your life, but during that time of waiting... its an excellent time to confront yourself. You may discover things about yourself that you couldn't see before. You should have lots of fun during that time and do just about anything except have an affair.
People who jump into new relationships, even though they are exciting, stimulating and think they are everything their spouse lacks... tend to repeat patterns and eventually cycle back to the same place only with a new partner.
None of us realize how much we impact other people... even when we don't intend to we train/ condition other people to respond certain ways to us. During the waiting period is an opportunity to look at yourself so that you can be sure that you can leave with a clean conscience AND a self-awareness that you won't repeat your own self-destructive patterns. You will be able to say, "I did my best, I tried everything... and now its time to go."
I really hope the best for you and your wife. Good luck.
...............................
|
