A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am currently in a relationship of seven years. We live together and have dogs. A few months ago my boyfriend told me he didn't think he wanted to marry me (maybe anyone) and it really upset me at the time. However now I feel like maybe he's right. For me the love has faded. I love him but no longer in love with him.. I don't want to throw it all away, but I think I may have fallen for someone else. We just talk that's all, but I think about him all the time, I can't sleep/eat and I get breathless when I think about him. I'm a 28 year old woman not a teenager - what is this?! He's like a male version of me too - we do/like exactly the same things! we have fun together and I know he wants to kiss me too but we wouldnt while I am in a rwlationship. I don't know what has got me like this - he's not as good looking as my boyfriend and a bit of a nerd like me! Anyway do u think I should give up on my relationship whether or not anything will happen with this other guy? I don't feel loved and respedcted like I used to - there is barely any sex and little talking anymore! I'm confused!!! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): I'm not a fan of the "shoe store" approach to relationships at all, you know the "you can't throw away old shoes until you've bought knew ones" approach.
Personally I think people like that are weak, weird and more often than not assholes seeing as they're perfectly willing to hang on to one partner as they seek another.
You need to sort out what you want to do with your current relationship OP and this new guy should not be a factor in your decision.
He may just like to chase spoken for girls as an ego boost, he may not like having you once he's gotten you, maybe you won't click with him sexually etc. etc.
You just never know how things will work out, it could be good or bad and the grass isn't always greener.
Besides jumping straight into a relationship with a new guy straight out of a 7 year relationship is called a rebound OP and you will only hurt him, so you need to start thinking with your head here and deal with your current relationship without any worry or consideration of this new guy being with you. You would be very selfish to just jump straight into being with him without taking the time to heal first. Can you honestly say that how you feel isn't just down to the utter frustration of your current relationship and finally finding a guy you may click with? Because that can fade fast and you know you can rebound within a relationship too.
I'm not trying to put you down OP, but all these romantic fantasies you may have about the new guy sweeping you off your feet with a beautiful orchestral score are kind of unrealistic when you consider you'll be ending a 7 year relationship, your ex is still going to be around, you'll have months of deciding about the dogs, the heartache which is inevitable, all the financial and physical considerations of living with or moving out of your ex's place, the very real chance that your feelings are a by-product of your major disappointment of the marriage thing and are not actually real nor still there when the dust settles, the very real possibility of your rebounding if your ex makes a real concerted effort to win you back. I think this new guy is in for a world of pain, but he deserves it because he shouldn't be sniffing around a woman who is spoken for.
You say you only talk, ever heard of emotional cheating? If my girlfriend got as close to another guy as you have with this guy she'd be dumped and that guy would get a nice black eye for getting to the point where he tells my girlfriend he wants to kiss her, that's emotional cheating OP.
You see? There are a hell of a lot of things wrong with the "shoe store" method, people who espouse that method are weird and generally end up hurting a lot of people.
Stop emotionally cheating, sort out what you want to do with your current relationship and put this new guy on the back burner for a while. He's obviously a bit of a slime if he can worm his way into another guys girl the way he is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 so many of us need to know that there is someone else waiting in the wings in order for us to end a bad relationship.
the best thing to do for your own sake is to figure out what's going on with your current relationship and once that is done, then you can move on.
to move to someone else while still dragging out the old relationship is not healthy for you, or for either relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 September 2012):
It does sound like your current relationship is pretty much over. It must have been a blow for your boyfriend to say that he didn't want to marry you. If he wasn't interested in marriage as a rule, then he could have made it clearer some time ago. But, he didn't, and perhaps that's a big sign that it's gone as far as it can.
I also think that maybe this new guy has only turned your head because of the relationship you're in - maybe he seems like an escape, or he's woken up all those feelings inside you again. Either way, he also isn't a good bet to chase at this time, because you don't really know whether he's a bit of a rebound type, just because you're in a bad relationship.
The most important thing you need to do now is sit down alone and decide what you want to happen with your current relationship. Only then will you be able to move forward one way or another. Don't do anything else before you've done that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2012):
 I think you need to figure out what to do about the current relationship FIRST and without regards to the other guy. He may or may not be in your future as a BF/friend.
Focus on what you have and if it's something worth working on or if it's time to end it. Living together and owning dogs together doesn't mean you HAVE to be with him for the rest of your life. But it does mean that YOU need to think a little harder on what you want and how to go about it.
You need to sit your BF down and talk.
IF you decide to break up I suggest STRONGLY that you don't jump into a new relationship or bed with this other guy right away but take some time to figure yourself out, mourn the relationship that just ended, reflect a little. And then when you feel ready, go SLOW.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (25 September 2012):
Your relationship is definitely on it's last legs by the sound of it.
The other man has made your heart race because there is genuine chemistry and lots in common.
So even if you don't end up with that new man, at least you know what has been missing in the current relationship and what to look for or wait for in someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
You are young and you can make the break and move forwards. Do not let fear of the unknown hold you back.
Good luck x
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