A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was married to a clinically depressed woman for 12 years. The depression killed her sex drive to the point of being almost non-existent for the last half of the marriage. Eventually, I turned to the affections of another woman. She was in an equally unfulfilling relationship and we agreed that we would only rely on each other for the sexual gratification we both were missing. However, it didn't take long for us to realize that we were madly in love. A kind of love that neither of us had ever thought possible. Still, I couldn't imagine leaving my wife for what amounted to an illness. For her part, she had three kids at home and a very unstable husband with a history of violence. The idea that we could ever actually be together seemed impossible. Then, after three years of cheating, I finally told my wife that the marriage was not working; that we were much more like roommates than spouses. I suggested that we should divorce but remain the close friends we had always been. Believe it or not, we actually managed to achieve this, and are still close friends today. Unfortunately, this did not make my mistress, the closest thing to a "soulmate" I've ever known, any more available. We continued seeing each other, but eventually I became frustrated with the once-or-twice-a-week routine. At 40 years of age, I felt compelled to look for another committed relationship and found a beautiful and generous woman who seemed to be everything a man could want. Unfortunately, she was still not my mistress, the only woman I really wanted. Here's where it gets horrible: I managed to let this woman talk me into marriage, but have still not managed to stop seeing my mistress!Now I have been married for two years to my second wife and am on the 7th year of the affair. One final irony: my mistress has now managed to leave her husband. So now I find myself married to a good woman who I am unable to love fully. She has even become friends with my first wife. But the true object of my undying affection, admiration, respect and love is completely available and aching to be my life partner on the same unexplainable, molecular level that I feel it. Thankfully, I have no kids to consider; maybe the only bright spot in this whole scenario. Both of these women are beautiful inside and out, but only one feels like she was absolutely made for me in every way. And as long as she is out there, I feel certain I will never be truly happy or fulfilled in this second, ill-fated marriage. My wife and I live in a beautiful home on an even more beautiful lake, and all I can think about is the fact that I'd rather be living in the little run-down farm house my mistress calls home. Money, cars, boats and big-screens bring me no joy compared to the thought of curling up on a ripped couch and watching a movie on a staticky TV with the One I Love In Every Way. The thought of hurting a second wife seems impossible, but so does the thought of not living every minute of the rest of my life with the person who completes me like no other. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated, even from those who believe I am some sort of monster.
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affair, depressed, divorce, mistress, money, roommate, sex drive, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Your solution is very simple. Stop seeing your mistress and start working on your marriage. The reality is that you don't really feel the way you think you do about your mistress because your relationship is not real. It is all a huge fantasy. It was build on a very bad foundation and your relationship with her would never work. Moreover, if she wanted to be with you when you left your first wife, then she would. This is just a story of you want what you can't have. The grass is always greener on the other side for you. I guarantee that if you were to marry your mistress, you would fall back in love with your first wife, the one you probably really love. You did not make a very wise choice to leave your first wife and you will feel the consequences of this decision for the rest of your life. Do not continue to make a bad decision by leaving your second wife to marry a harlot. Respect yourself by respecting your wife.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): you are a coward and afraid, mostly of your own happiness.
Its simple. If you love her like you say you do the truth will set you free.
If you tell the second wife she will be angry at first (she knows already at some level) and then SHE WILL GET OVER IT!
she will move on to accept either that things will go on and you will be seeing your love, and loving her as well... or you will see the back of her as the door swings shut as she leaves.
net result! HAPPINESS.
life is about living honestly and happily, most of what we think keeps us where we think we will be most successful.
tell the truth and live it now. you will be happier immediately.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Well, you have your life to sort out. Just make yourself so undesirable to your wife that she won't love you but despise you. Then you can opt out. The wife will think she's lucky to get out of it while you can have the life you want. But be good to your wife and leave her with her pride intact. Make it your fault and not hers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): You have actually got closer to answering your own question.
You have said that your battle is 'honouring your marital committment vs being with your true love'
For some, it is simple. Even though your club has had this through the ages.
You CANNOT honour your marital committment IF YOU HAVE A TRUE LOVE WHO IS NOT IN YOUR MARRIAGE!. Simple as that. There will be no honour unless you no longer have a true love which you yearn for.
I would suggest since you have a good relationship with your first wife, who is possible the person who has insight into you dilema, then ask her advice on the subject if your not happy with ours!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the latest poster. Good thoughts that I will consider. For the record, no, I have no illusions about continuing to string both of these ladies along indefinitely. My question is one of honoring my marital commitment vs. being with my one true love. A question that has plagued better people than myself through the ages. I appreciate your (and a few others') encouragement to come clean and accept whatever fallout there may be. It sounds simple on the surface, but will be gutwrenching. Still, I am leaning toward acting on this advice. Thanks again to all who've attempted to be of help in this mess I've made.
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A
female
reader, kirsty_29  +, writes (5 March 2008):
 HI,I've read this post over a few times now. I can tell there's a lot missing from the post, which isn't hard to do as you don't want to go on and on writing a novel. I agree with some of the other posters, you really haven't been too clear about the type of advice you are seeking here.Are you wondering whether you should leave your current wife and go and be fully with your mistress? Are you thinking maybe you could stay married to the second wife and keep going with the mistress on the side secretly? Perhaps it won't hurt as much that route?Tell you what, here's a thought for you.. How about coming clean with your second wife as to what you've been up to. Honesty. Simple pure honesty. It will hurt anyway it goes down, so why not let the weight off the right way. No more sneaking, no more lying, no more bothered conscience.If you feel that strongly about this woman you've held onto for 7 years then it seems to me the thing to do is go be with her, no one else could ever be her right?You stated here's where it gets horrible" so you realise that marrying the second wife was the wrong thing to do, why did you? If you knew you would still be sleeping with the mistress then why take vows again knowing that you may break them? It seems to me that you are wondering if you could possibly keep the two going at once, the answer is no.Your mistress will soon become fed up with you and your lack of time and your wife may or may not begin to detect something amiss, not to mention your insides rotting away with stress, self induced of course.I'm certain you know about having your cake and eating it too, I'm also certain you know whats fair and right here.With reading your post it looks like you hold alot of secrets, why not let them out. Also something to keep in mind, when posting here, you will receive ALL sorts of answers, many you are not going to like,these are real people with real opinions. Why do you not like the responses? Simply because the truth hurts, doesn't it? Clearly, what you have done in the past and even now is wrong, and you are a cheater, there's no two ways about it. Sit and think and perhaps you can get things on the right track, and coming clean, even perhaps with your ex wife.It will give you freedom from yourself. Be honest. Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs the actual original poster, I can assure you that I have no reason to pose as my own supporter. I did not post the original question seeking approval or sympathy as some of the less tolerant respondents continue to suggest. I asked for advice, nothing more and nothing less. Some have chosen to actually offer advice, while others have simply chosen to take the easy route: to tell an admitted cheater that he has made bad decisions. No kidding! Imagine that! I only hope you can bring the same clarity to other posters with your staggering insights!
A quick thanks to the last few respondents, not for your sympathy or understanding, but for taking the time to look beyond the surface of my situation and offer some original thoughts.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Is this a joke? I bet you a hundred pounds that the reader anonymous below me is the original poster, "You seem like such an unselfish, kind, and loving man and it seems to be tearing you up at the decision you must make"
Don't make me laugh, he's nothing of the kind and if you’re not the original poster, you’re a cheater, you guys like to stick together. To the female anonymous are you even an aunt here? Have you got an account? No well I don't care much for your kind of advice on this site, you seem to live in fantasy land like the original bloke does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I have been in a somewhat similar situation. I am also sorry for how RUDE so many replies to this have been. I can speak from experience in saying that I can relate emotionally to what it feels like to love 2 people at once. It is difficult to say the least BUT I have accepted the fact that life throughs all kinds of weird things at us and basically we must go with our HEART/GUT in the long run as to what would make us happy individually. You seem like such an unselfish, kind, and loving man and it seems to be tearing you up at the decision you must make. You already know in your heart what it must do. Although it will not be pretty and there will be tears from your wife and from you, your heart calls out to do what it craves to do for your inner peace. You must follow this and trust that everything will fall in place the way it should. We only get one life (that we know of...lol) so I say that if your soulmate is indeed still in your life like you say, do NOT miss the opportunity to spend that precious one life with her the rest of your days. "While you see a chance, take it" for it may never come again and you would regret it the rest of your life and grieve for her forever. God bless you in your decision and future with your TRUE LOVE.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): I feel so sorry for you, that you have been axed by these insensitive agony aunts. Please try to ignore such narrow minded, judgemental people. I do believe that you can love more than one person and that life is not always so black and white. You are in a real fix, but you say: "The thought of hurting a second wife seems impossible, but so does the thought of not living every minute of the rest of my life with the person who completes me like no otherix at the moment, but you say ". I personally feel that your second wife will be able to recover from the pain and move on with her life. You clearly prefer your mistress and maybe you have this one chance of finally building a future with her? Or do you want to live the rest of your life, knowing that you lost that chance? What will that do to your marriage? Have you spoken to your mistress about it and is that what she wants also?Can you also consider giving up control by telling your wife about the situation and see what happens, instead of leaving all the decision making up to yourself?Only you can make this decision and I wish I could be of more help. Follow your heart, you are not a bad person!Big hugs XX
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (27 February 2008):
I hope if your wife finds out, she leaves then your mistress will grow a brain and leave you too. Then maybe you can be alone for a while, think about what kind of person you are THEN you can find another wife and actually be faithful and supportive to her. I don't believe you will change
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hi I'm the female anon who answered before ..
I think Tuatara and Eyeswideopen were just being frank with you and sometimes we need some frankness, uncomfortable as it may be, to kind of kick us into touch a bit. I came on this site a few weeks ago because I was really fed up with my partner (you sound a it like him in some senses) and I was tempted to start seeing a man at work. I was given some very frank advice, ie NOT to take my emotional mess and turmoil to the nice man at work but to sort out my other problems first. The advice was pretty blunt but I took it on the chin and followed it and now I am glad I did not take the flirting at work any further.
This is an emotive subject for women because it can be devastating when the man you love betrays you (I have been there and I thought I was literally falling apart - I was ill, I was upset, I was off sick etc etc when my husband left me to tell me he 'wants to sleep with other women' - he was the love of my life and I stood my his side for years through all his problems only to have him basically tell me 'thanks now fuck off' (he might as well have said just that).
My current partner had a depressed wife but he actually ended the marriage (they both agreed to end it as she had had a series of affairs cos both were unhappy) BEFORE seeing someone new (ie me). He therefore had times when he went without sex and he described himself as having 'not really had a woman for years' due to he and his wife being distant and sleeping in separate rooms (their daughter confirmed that this was the case and said it was very distressing for the whole family and she said she wished they had split up earlier rather than hanging on in there) and the inevitable arguments and then his wife having affairs (she said she did this to boost her self esteem and she did not want to leave the marriage at that point for financial reasons).
I understand about depression - it is a silent killer of many relationships. However I think the thing is to sort out one mess before embarking on another and trying to run two women concurrently is usually asking for trouble. I believe that all women and men can benefit a lot from good sex and it is a lovely thing to do but sometimes we just have to do without it. I also understand about finding love and comfort in someone else's arms when one's marriage is devoid of any affection but sometimes we just have to live without affection and sex for a while.
I don't think anyone is judging you but the subject of men cheating on women is one that gets people's emotions running high. If you look at some of the answers to other men on this site, you will see that the responses you got were quite mild in comparison. I saw a couple of questions from guys who were just TEMPTED to cheat and they got a whole lot of flak, much than you got. Sometimes although it sounds harsh at the time, the more frank responses can 'wake' us up a bit. I hope you are some way nearer to sorting out your problem.
And when all is said and done, Tuatura does have a point about you needing to look at your own responsibilities too, including any failings you have and maybe you DID contribute to the misery of your first wife if she felt that you resented her for the lack of sex. I understand the want and need to live in a marriage which is fulfilling and full of affection, love, understanding, loyalty and sexual passion but with something like depression I don't know what the answer is, how to get the person out of it etc etc .. Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you are a person of character, I have no desire to become one.
Thanks again to those who chose to answer my question constructively. I have benefitted from several strong insights.
Good luck to all on your own continued journey.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 February 2008):
 First off don't tell me what to do, I'm not one of your easily deceived women. Secondly I have been happily married for 33+ years and have a very great respect for people of character who make a vow and keep it. And no respect for men/women of weak character who feel free to sneak around their loving spouse's backs. You simply have all kinds of excuses for your bad behavior. What advice are you seeking here? You haven't really made that very clear.
"The thought of hurting a second wife seems impossible, but so does the thought of not living every minute of the rest of my life with the person who completes me like no other."
What the heck, you don't even realize you already are hurting the second wife. Why don't you just piss or get off the pot? Divorce your wife and be with your little ripped sofa pal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Unfortunately you have left me with no choice to post another reply in response to your last comments.
Not only do I know alot about depression through more experiances than you have stated, along with more difficult and disturbing life experiance than you have identified with your life, so I have an opinion on the subject which I stand by.
If you want to have people say you have had excuses for the choices and ways you have coped with difficulties in your life, you still, have not recieved that from me. Irrespective of your difficulties you have still in my opinion made very poor choices. And your still doing so with the continued dishonest relationships.
I see you as a coward. Certainly not "poor me"
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Tuatara and eyeswideopen, please don't bother posting any more "thoughts" on this matter. It is clear, eyes, that you have an ax to grind with men in your own life and are too angry to have an actual discussion on the subject. Instead you'd rather focus on scolding and further degrading someone who has already admitted to being greatly in the wrong (see the words "horrible" and "monster" in my original question). As for Tuatara, you are simply wrong about nearly everything you assume, rendering your conclusions worthless. For instance, do you know anything about depression? Have you ever woken up at 38 years old and realized that you haven't had sex in four years? Have you ever come home night after night to a spouse who is lieing on the couch with a blanket over her head in an effort to block out the entire world? Have you then cooked dinner for that spouse night after night, served it to her on the couch that she cannot seem to escape and watched her eat it in silence? Have you layed awake at night wondering how you're going to pay the mortgage because your spouse's depression has resulted in an attempt to "fill the void" with an Ebay addiction that threatens your very livelihood? Can you imagine for a moment what that does to your own state of mind by year number 12? Clinical depression is not just "sadness." It is a lifelong struggle that affects everyone who comes in contact with it. Unless you've been there, you can't possibly understand it. Judge me all you want for the situation I have put myself in currently (the original subject of my question), but please don't pretend to know anything about my first marriage. That wife has apologized to ME many, many times for being unable to fulfill her end of the marriage. And I have apologized for my part. We remain great friends; actually something closer to brother and sister. We still speak nearly every day, well within earshot of my current wife who considers her a very good friend as well.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 February 2008):
that's lookING
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 February 2008):
I'm an American so I really don't give a rip about princes period, just like you don't give a rip about the women in your life. Actions speak louder etc... I don't think you are look for any advice either except for perhaps the best way to string them along.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hello you... to tell you the truth all relationship will go down in excitement once you live with that person. You have had an exciting relationship with your mistress and think that that is how it will be when you marry and live with her. The sad thing is that it won't unless unlike your first marriage or second you are willing this time to keep the flame burning. The second wife is a 'good' woman you say after being married to her. I would suggest you appreciate her and forget about that mistress. I am so glad you have no kids!!! I must say!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did not say I was a prince. I was comparing my love for an unlikely woman with Charles' love of the equally unlikely Camilla. But of course you know this. You're simply choosing to be clever and unconstructive rather than offer any real thoughts. By the way, your precious Charles is no prince either, if you want to really get down to it. Thanks to all of those who've offered relevant feedback, particularly the brutally honest ones. Those thoughts are not lost on me.
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (26 February 2008):
leonard j. Douglas, this man isn't young he is around my dad age, he has messed three women up and is obviously a bit deluded, I mean what sane person would compare themsevles to Charles, Diana and Camilla?? lol.
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male
reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (26 February 2008):
My! My! You folks came down pretty hard on this Fool,but do keep in mind that life is about learning better ways of relating others. Ha! You have never been a Fool? Well If your answer is "No", I don't buy that crap either, and there were lots of times, no doubt, that your brains were in your "A** just the rest of us. So try to be a little kinder. We learn in love not in abuse.
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male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (26 February 2008):
My! My! You folks came down pretty hard on this Fool,but do keep in mind that life is about learning better ways of relating others. Ha! You have never been a Fool? Well If your answer is "No", I don't buy that crap either, and there were lots of times, no doubt, that your brains were in your "A** just the rest of us. So try to be a little kinder. We learn in love not abuse.
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male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (26 February 2008):
My! My! You folks came down pretty hard on this Fool,but do keep in mind that life is about learning better ways of relating others. Ha! You have never been a Fool? Well If your answer is "No", I don't buy that crap either, and there were lots of times, no doubt, that your brains were in your "A** just the rest of us. So try to be a little kinder. We learn in love not abuse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): You seem to be struggling with trying to somehow make a decision with all of these women you want TO WANT YOU.
This is not your decision anymore. You lost man!
I don't understand this really. It seems to me that you have no choice. Your have remarried, willingly, but still want to have this other soul mate waiting in the wings.
You have to admit that this is a bit of a joke. Yes your life and your problems, all of which you have created yourself. There is no help, I beleive for a man like you.
You don't get it and never will.
I lost any compassion for your circumstance when you opened your comments with the lines about your wife suffering illness for 12 years which buggered up YOUR SEX LIFE. You probably didn't turn her on! It would be kind of funny to think that she was totally into sex, but just not with you! - Thought of that stud! I say to you that just that one line alone, makes you an undesirable partner for any of these women. Gosh you are so into yourself here it is obvious.
You may well have to face the reality that you have ruined your chances of a successful relationship, with anyone! I am trying however to consider what qualities you possess which would be attractive to anyone and worthy of a relationship.
I am pleased your first wife now is living an honest existance, maybe you made her depressed? Also consider that this soul mate of yours which has been interested in you for 7 years, can't really be that into you can she, I mean surely 7 years is enough time for her to consider if she is wanting to have a proper relationship. Sounds like her last one was disasterous, so she must have made the comparisons to having you as her proper partner, but chosen not to. Lets face it, she didn't leave her husband for you so you can't be that smooth or desirable! FLAG HER!
New wife, I wouldn't worry about her too much. You say she is beautiful, inside and out, your house sounds amazing and you have mentioned your assests, presumably to impress, so - she can have half of what you have, if that is how your law works, she is a babe so she will find another man, by the sounds quite easily. FLAG HER!
Then you will be left alone, very much recommended as you are not capable of any type of relationship at the moment.
Get into thinking about your wonderful qualities, what you have to offer someone and how much integrity and honesty you possess. To me, there is only one decision you need to make at the moment and that is BEING ALONE. Alarming that you are still so young and lacking in any maturity at such a late age in your life. You are now running out of options so this should be your no 1 priority to get yourself together.
My recommendation is to work hard on your failings as a man. At your age, things will start to slip and slide and your not going to be that attractive to women. Also with your track record, most desirable women would steer well clear. Men like you are discussed alot amoungst women. We have no respect or desire for a man who behaves like you.
We are very happy however, to accept the gifts, drinks and lifestyle. Your no prize my friend! If your not very, very careful, you'll end up old and grey with no one in your life. Mind you at least that would be the first authentic self you may experiance in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): To the Poster: Just read through all this and wow! there's so much stuff here. Have you decided what you are going to do then?? Am interested to know the outcome if you want to let us know ..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): In answer to your second post, perhaps you HAVE lost your mind, or least partially lost the plot! It can happen to the best of us when concerning affairs of the heart.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): There's nothing 'ironic' about it. You've been having your cake and eating it, plus made trifle out of the leftovers and now it's crunch time! No more cake!! Your mistress may well marry someone else, just like you did and then leave you altogether and your good lady wife might find about it all in the meantime and leave you too and no-one would blame her and I doubt anyone would have any sympathy for you. Sounds horrible doesn't it? Well that's probably how these various women in your life have felt at certain junctures along the way. You're going to have think good and hard about this one. I hope it works out and not too many women get shafted along the way. Forgive my bluntness but I'm a lot older than you and my wife suffered serious depression for years and she went off the physical side of things for months at a time but I stayed with her and loved her throughout it all because that it what I promised to do for better or worse, in sickness and in health. But then I'm a different generation and perhaps I don't know what the hell I'm going on about it. Maybe things have changed a lot since I got married. Hope it works out for you.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 February 2008):
You my boy are hardly a prince. Your last response was just too cavalier. You are behaving like a total ass. Tell your wife the whole story, she'll then divorce you and hopefully get a good settlement, you can then move into the farmhouse with the ripped couch. Sheesh what a cad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Hi I'm the female anon who did the long answer below earlier. I've often wondered how on earth Prince Charles could have stopped fancying Princess Diana - apparently almost every man that met her 'wanted to get her knickers off'!!!! (a quote from an article I read in the paper re Princess Diana). I was not a particular fan of Princess Diana necessarily but I thought she was gorgeous looking.
However I CAN understand what you mean......... seeing Prince Charles and his new wife Camilla together, that they just 'gel' and theirs is an 'understanding' or some sort of meeting of minds or souls and not based purely on lust, or whether or not she is cover girl glossy perfect. They just 'get' each other. They just LOOK like a couple, they mirror each other, they humour each other and she, although she is not a great beauty, does have, I can see, an earthy quality which some older men might find incredibly sexy. I know what you are saying, I really do and I DO empathise but I think you have been so weak and selfish about how you have gone about all this (sorry! I don't know you and it is just from reading your post). However, a Princes love story is a far cry from our own lives in the real world.
Whatever you do, you are going to hurt someone. I agree with the poster who suggested you take some time out on your own whilst you work this through. Whilst I empathise with your 'plight' as it were, I don't feel sorry for you being caught between two women - it actually serves you bloody right, you brought it on yourself (that is not meant in a nasty way, btw & I'd say exactly the same thing about myself if I were in your shoes) you're just going to have to decide - but what tugs at my heart strings is thinking of those two women, that one of them is going to get hurt and one of them has been lied to and yet you cannot continue to string them both along. They've both always been there for you.
Maybe it would be good to get male perspectives on this one??? Maybe you could re-post asking for some more male answers?? For some reason, your post really resonated with me maybe it's because you sound so much like my own partner ... in the way you speak of being 'talked into' doing things etc .. Take care and I hope you find your answers and get inner peace
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I was just wondering, why have you not left your current wife for your mistress? Is there more to it all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust for the record, the female reader who related my scenario to Charles, Diana and Camilla definitely struck a chord. My wife is a lovely, bubbly blonde who makes an instant impression with everyone she meets. My mistress is quiet and introspective like myself. She is attractive as well, but not in a "dictionary definition" sort of way. Still, when I look at her I see the most beautiful woman in the world. If my friends were to look at the two of them side-by-side, they'd say I've lost my mind. Not unlike the public reaction to Charles' choosing Camilla.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 February 2008):
My thoughts exactly.
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (25 February 2008):
Your a cheater. You cheated on both your wives, if you get with the other woman then you will just cheat on her like the others. Listen at your age if you can't be faithful and still have that, grass be greener on the other side complex maybe you should be alone? men like you shouldn't marry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): My husband had a fantasy about being on his own for some years. When I finally told him to go and be on his own he didn't like it at all! You have a fantasy about sitting on a ripped couch with the love of your life but it might not be all it is cracked up to be in reality. Only you know what you really want. I agree with the poster who suggested from counselling help to get some clarity here. Best of luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Oh Dear! Another example of 'friends with benefits' gone wrong, due to complicated feelings getting involved. I've heard this one so many times before! I'm not sure what to say really but I just wanted to send a message to say best of luck and I hope you get some answers on this site that might help a bit and I hope you find your solution. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I can empathise with you actually but the part of your email that sticks out for me and makes me feel uncomfortable as where you say you 'managed to let this woman talk me into marriage' - I don't know if it is just your turn of phrase but 'this woman' is not a very respectful way to speak about her and also, you managed to 'let' her 'talk' you 'into' marriage. So you are saying you married 2nd best for you??!! albeit your current wife is a lovely lady she doesn't 'do it' for you the way your long term mistress does.
One thing I would suggest considering is this: Your mistress has always been forbidden fruit and knows you very well and was with you throughout a difficult time. If she were suddenly available, warts and all, day in day out, with her own moods and criticisms of you, would your passion wane slightly and would you find her less perfect and more 'normal'?? Just a thought. It sounds as though you needed to have a woman by your side, not matter what.
Regarding your ex wife, I am glad she is ok and you are friends with her. Her life must have been absolute hell suffering from depression like that and I hope she meets someone who will adore her. How awful must it have been for her to have had an unpleasant first husband and then a second husband who turned to the arms of another woman because he could not cope with his wife's depression which led to lack of sex. I don't know your circumstances and it is not for me to judge and you have come on here and been quite frank about it all but I did wonder how much support you gave your first wife or did you sort of assume the role of victim?
My current partner, with whom I am having problems, was married to someone who was depressed for years and they had no sex for about one year of the marriage and after that sex was never the same again. I asked him why he did not take a mistress (just out of interest because a lot of men do but I wasn't actually saying he SHOULD have done or condoning it) but he misunderstood and he replied 'that's not very nice is it - would you like me to take a mistress if it happened to you' and went on to explain that he felt unable to take a mistress as she was at home with a young child (she had post natal depression as well) feeling upset. So he simply went without sex. That was his choice and it has affected him in other ways. Did you ever go to counselling with your wife? I know it's easy to say these things in hindsight.
You are married to a wonderful woman who does not deserve to be cheated on. Your mistress has continued seeing you knowing that you remarried and she would not leave her husband for you at the time. I have heard of countless stories like this and it seems it is just the way of the world, bad timing/people messing up their chances etc etc ... regrets and so on!! We've all been there one way or another.
I would never advise a man to leave his wife. I would only suggest to him that he has marriage counselling and tries to make it work and only leaves if all else fails. However you cannot do this whilst you are having a mistress ongoing. You chose to marry this second wife for your own reasons and I think you should own up to that instead of saying she 'talked you into it' as that comes across a bit weak and pathetic (my partner has said his ex 'made' him do things and it really irritates me when he says it cos I do not believe him i think he had other motivations for doing certain things but it is a convenient 'smokescreen' to say someone else 'makes' us do things and in my experience, men don't do things that they don't want to do and if they do, there is SOMETHING in it for them, at some level).
I am not preaching at you here cos I am far from perfect myself but you sound SO much like my current partner, your post really resonated with me and i felt compelled to reply and I'm sorry this is so long. I couldn't possibly advise you what to do but I would strongly advise seeing a counsellor to sort your own feelings out and taking responsibility for your part in all this. You've hedged your bets a bit here and then you got a bit of a 'wild card' re your mistress suddenly leaving her husband. Very bad timing all round and you and your mistress were both looking out for yourselves so now your lovely new wife stands to get hurt!!!!!!! I would say try to make your marriage work, see if you CAN live without your mistress for a period of time. Agree to break up with her for say, 3 months and try and work on your marriage. If your marriage really is not going to work then counselling could help you to see that.
Regarding your mistress, do bear in mind, that you have a comfortable life with your current wife, who sounds like a nice person and do consider that if you go full time with your mistress you will see each other properly for the first time, day in day out, faults and all. I have to say that if you really wanted each other would she not have left her husband the minute you became available. I know if I really wanted a man and believed he was my soulmate, I would snap him up the minute he came free. I think you have a lot of thinking to do and counselling may be the only way out. If you and your mistress find the time apart unbearable then you will have some indication. Also, if your wife finds out she may well leave you and who could blame her. If you really really cannot be happy with your wife, then I suppose although it would hurt her to lose you, she deserves better. Do you have a satisfactory enough marriage I wonder ...
I suppose the bottom line here is that you are going to have to choose and I would say, given the history, you may need some professional relationship help. Whatever you do, you are going to have to take responsibility for your own choices and not blame any of these women. I guess I would say, if I were in your shoes, I would want to be with the one I truly love and connect with, so long as they were treating me properly and we could still have a good life together. We've only got one life! I really feel for your second wife, it is as though she has been a casualty of all this turmoil. You should have been frank with her from the start and told her the whole truth then she could have made a more informed decision and she might well have not wanted to marry you. She probably thinks she married a different person.
I really will be interested to see what the other Aunts say on here to you. Depending on who answers, you may or may not get some flak!! I personally empathise with you on the one hand but feel critical of you in other aspects. However none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and we have to decide how we want to live our life but I do wish men wouldn't hurt women so much along the way sometimes. I know sometimes it is inevitable but at other times it just results from plain selfishness and unthinking behaviour and I believe now, at 40, that we should minimise the damage we to to each other by thinking carefully about all this sort of stuff. The heart can only take so much ache!!!
Anyway I have gone on at some length here and I wouldn't be surprised if you have nodded off by now. Just my thoughts, for what they are worth - don't know if you will pick anything helpful out of my reply. I hope you get something sorted out. I'd love to hear some sort of happy ending, where everyone is happy in the end. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I am not relating your situation to Prince Charles, Diana and Camilla scenario over here in the UK but I will say this much.... Diana was a beautiful woman on the inside and out. However you could not see a more natural happiness in Prince Charles since his relationship with Camilla (his secret love for years and years) was finally allowed to 'be' - a relationship that should really have been in place from the start. Children and others adapt. The problem is you cannot change your feelings and I cannot tell you enough that you owe it to your wife to let her find someone else. I understand your plight - and agree that materialistic stuff becomes irrelevant when a lonely love gnaws away at you every minute of the day but you are denying yourself what is meant. Let me ask a really blunt question. "If you HAD to choose who to be without for the rest of your life... who would it be?" Give yourself permission.
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (25 February 2008):
One of the best books that I have come across in years,and that can not only help you to understand your own sexuality,but also a woman's. Please read: "The Healing Power of Sex". By JUDITH SACHS. You won't be waisting your time.I can assure you oh that. Do enjoy it. And it's an eye opener.
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