A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im hurting and need some advice. I just came out of a horrible divorce and is still going through a nightmare of fighting and possible custody battle with my ex husband. Im trying to get my life back together and doing pretty good. Everything I do is for me and my child, but im lonely and yearn for adult companionship. I moved back to my hometown and ran into an old high school boyfriend. He is married with no children. Please before you judge me, hear me out. We started to have an affair and its been going on for about 2years now. He calls to meet up for sex. His wife has already caught us a couple of times and we end the affair briefly. He keeps coming back and stupid me, I keep taking him back. At first it was a once a week thing and now its starting to be every 3 to 4 weeks. He says he has been busy which is a lie cuz he has no job! At first I understood it was JUST sex and I had no feelings for him cuz Im lonely. But now I think about him all the time. My old feelings start to rekindle for him. I get upset cuz I miss him when I don't see him. I know its wrong to have the affair and I want out really bad but I don't want to lose him. Im in love with him. It breaks my already damaged heart to already know that he doesn't feel the same way. He says he likes me but I think he just says that to keep his sex buddy. Now you can dog me all you want about the affair but you can't dog the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants". Should I tell him how I feel and watch him walk away or not tell him and keep on with the affair?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): please tell your heart to stop behaving like a child: you want this married man? so u expect him to leave his wife for you? not going to happen. and the sooner your heart accepts this the better.i believe u are mistaken when u say everything you do is for u and your kid. for u yes but not your kid.being lonely does not justify your affair with this married man.be careful your exhb doesnt use your sex life against u during your custody battle. You may find that he can and will try to discredit you.LoveGirl
A
male
reader, Relationship.Chef +, writes (1 February 2012):
 There's a very cool saying.
"If there is a doubt, there is no doubt".
You, however, don't just doubt whether he feels something for you.
You KNOW that it's just sex.
So, why on God's Green Earth are you so hung up on that?
Is it the best sex you've ever had?
If so, I'm sure there are tons of guys in San Fernando Valley who'd best him by a mile!
You're in love with him? And? Just because of that one explanation you're willing to absorb emotional punishment, not only on yourself, but, on his wife as well?
And, what about your child?
Don't you think it hurts your child to see their mom being emotionally torn like that?
And, finally, what is it doing to your self-worth?
You're throwing yourself at the feet of a man who only wants your body?
Stand up, dust yourself off, get yourself an expensive vibrator, and, replace the one with the pulse with the one that runs on batteries.
After all, what is sex without emotions? Pleasure that lasts a few orgasmic seconds? Minutes, perhaps?
It is only through love and companionship that we can hope to prolong those amazing seconds.
Yet, to him, you're nothing but a few pleasurable seconds.
Ask yourself. "Aren't I worth more?"
&# Hope it helps, and, if so, please, rate my answer! #&
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): "the heart wants what the heart wants." Oh yeah? the heart wants all this heartache and pain does it? The heart wants to be used for sex then thrown away? Doesn't sound like the best saying if you ask me.
What about what the head wants? What does your head want OP? You say you don't want to lose him but you don't actually have him do you? You can't lose what you don't have and by staying in this situation you're just losing something more valuable your self-respect.
OP you say you started this because you felt lonely, well you still feel lonely don't you, you feel even more lonely because you want a guy you can't have. The only thing you cling onto is the once a month you get to spend with him and that's the only time the loneliness dissipates isn't it?
I don't know why you came here OP, telling him you love him and him walking away is what your head wants but you won't follow your head so you're only going to do the second option which is say nothing, keep feeling this hurt and let this drag on until he gets bored of you.
So I'm not going to advise you because you won't listen, "the heart wants what it wants" afterall and you're just going to keep playing this game.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 TELL HIM. I keep saying this to askers on this site. you need to talk. Communication is the bases of a proper relationship.
I feel so sorry for you. People will judge you, but you're doing nothing wrong on your side. You're single and you fell for someone. It's him that's married. Oh hun... he seems to be playing you something rotten. You need to tell him you don't want to do it anymore and he needs to get his priorities right. Could you really be the woman to break a marriage? If he left the other woman for you, then you wouldn't be doing anything wrong. But this situation is so wrong and will hurt everyone involved. This guy has the best of both worlds. A loving wife that keeps taking him back and will stick by him, and a sex buddy that will come when he clicks his fingers.
Get out my love. this will end in tears and most probably yours. you are worth more than this. you say he's an ex? think of why he's an ex. everything happens for a reason. he was an ex for a reason. x
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 The heart wants what the heart wants. So use your head. What do you expect to happen? Where will this affair lead you if you carry it on? There is an end to everything, the outcome will be heartache, you can either prolong it or end it now.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Time to remove the rose tinted glasses my dear.
He is using you and he is also disrespecting his wife.
He also sees you as an object, a place to get his rocks off, give himself a bit of a thrill and boost his ego. I am also surprised that his wife hasn't filed for divorce having caught you both twice...
Maybe her heart wants what it wants also???...and to be honest, shes first in line for this oh so desirable catch because she is actually married to him.
He must be very charming indeed but I can guarantee that really he is a lying cheating snake who is probably cheating on you with someone else.
Seriously, staying in such a dead end arrangement will destroy your self esteem completely, ruin your trust of any other man and possibly get you dragged into court.
Just because your heart says so, it does not mean he is your be all and end all...he's just a lowlife whose using you for basic sex and lets face it, if he had to pay for it, he'd probably think twice so you are doing him a massive favour doing it for free.
GET OUT NOW!!!...you may feel crappy, sad and lonely for a while but it allows your self esteem to heal and for new doors to open.
If you feel lonely, try something new and make some other friends or arramge to see more of the friends you have. The key is to stop all contact and keep as busy as you can.
This 'Thing' you have with him is going absolutely nowhere and never can. Stay at your own risk and remain sad and desperate for the rest of your life, living off scraps and slowly destroying yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): "Everything I do is for me and my child, but im lonely and yearn for adult companionship."
The last thing your child needs is to compete with a total stranger for his mother's affection.
The kid's been through enough having his home broken up from underneath him, probably thinks its his fault, stop worrying about who your next lay might be and concentrate
on being a decent parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): All I really read there was that you are lonely. You are in a high stress situation right now with the divorce and impending issues. I think that you are looking for something to distract you from this, and someone to give you the strength to keep going. These are not reasons to have a relationship.
Also he is married, you said his wife has caught the both of you and yet they are still together. Hes not leaving her for you, thats quite obvious.
If you want to continue fooling around with him, know that going into it, hes not getting divorced for you. Thats a proven fact.
I think you are going to get more hurt if you continue this.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Tell him how you feel and watch him walk away. "the heart wants what the heart wants"...oh please
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): I think you have latched on to him because you are lonely. Your heart needs someone to love and he is the one on the scene. I suspect if you tell him you want more, he'll say he's married and that's that. I very much doubt he will leave his wife. So all you have are occasional sex sessions. End it with him. Try and rebuild your self confidence, look to the future and in time you will meet someone else who is free to have a proper relationship with you. After all, I'm sure that is what you want and not what you have at the moment.
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