A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi this is a long story but I need perspective:I was in a relationship with an arab muslim for a year. We have broken up for the final time. He is younger than me by 10yrs (claims not a problem ever)When I think to what I have gone through with him I gave everything I could and got nothing really but please give me opinions: He started a sexual relationship with me too soon but I thought he cared or I wouldnt have. He has seen me without family ever knowing.Apart from a hint of a western woman in the background. It has always been indoors, in hotels or houses at a time he sets and for an amount of time he sets. He would then not contact me with the excuse he was working/family staying.Then he would contact again just days before another meeting. He would never talk to me about his family or family. We never ate out, we never went anywhere. He would ask me to pick up dinner on my way to him, he also asked me to buy him clothes, electronics, even if i would be able to get a loan. He is wealthy for a fact so I do not understand this.He asked me for marriage long time ago to which I refused, he also said I should have children.Months later he asked me for marriage again and admitted he needed his visa.I refused.He was wonderful to be with, kind, fun, caring. We would look like we were in love but he would turn different every time as we leave. I was very confused. He is to his family extremely muslim. Ive heard the phone conversations (I would be told to not make a sound)I would sit quietly ansd see and hear his devotion. He had massive expectations of my behaviour. He insisted I didnt lick my fingers after eating, that I wash my hands immediately. He requested I wore hijab.There was a time when he would command me to get up straight after intimacies and shower, properly as he would say, as if I didnt know how to shower. He wanted me to be quiet and polite. Servile. he would ask me to do and fetch for the smallest things. He would ask where I was going in a suspicious manner.He didnt like my long hair on display. Very soon afetr the start of the relationship he insisted I wore whorey underwear. I took offence for 2 reasons, I have to feel cared for and trust someone to parade around like that and also I wear beautiful lacy and satin underwear always.Nevr without it. Everyone thinks its `sexy' already. Just not like a pornstar wears. He wanted me to 2 different peolple. Like a nun and a whore at the same time.He basically abandoned me for 4 mths in the summer to go to his own country, telling me before he left that we were still together and he will see me when he got back. He txtd me 4 times in that period. No hellos or how r u. Asking me to go and visit (me to pay for this)out of the blue his demands again. He came back to my country and immediately came to see me. He is very clever with romantic words and made me feel like he couldnt live without me.The `relationship' slowly got tiresome for me. His demanding I meet him with hours notice whn I have to work. When we met, as said, always indoors it was late, 10/11pm at night. going up to his room, same format. He goes showers alone (i was never allowed to go with him!) me told to be undressed for when he got back or if not he would just clumsily take my clothes off, not sexy, elegant. He didnt do it nicely. the session would have the same content and always on a bed in the room. He would not touch me below, like it was dirty, he would never give me oral but always expected it himself, forcing my head til i gagged. He seemed desensitised unless force was used. The sex was ok but samey and he would say, move, lie, turn over, do this do that. I went to tell him once something that would make something better and he growled¬`dont tell me!' I got the feeling he was used to arab women just lying there and never saying a word. Or taking initiative. So i dint as I thought he would think I was a whore.A good woman like his mother/sister gets no enjoyment from sex nor wants to.He has finished it and Im shocked as he told me he was going away to see family and he will be back, hes never gonna leave me ever. That was 3 days ago. It is now over.Im lost and dont understand.In the past I tried to tell him over and ovet and over that Im a good woman who does not behave like this, just sleep with someone. That is not my nature. Pleas etell me what u think, imagine u r a counsellor. Dont tell me im stupid, he was so charming and nice.When I write the facts I cant believe he got away with so much, he wore a mask.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): The only thing I can offer, apart from sympathy and condolences, is that you learn from such an awful experience and you never, ever, put yourself in such a situation ever again. Everything you have described sounds like you were used, and that this man had no respect for you, and that each time you started to have doubts or made some sort of protest (becuase you realised that somehing wasn't right or normal) you were won over by little excuses, or proclaims of love or some other stupid reason. Next time ask yourself very honestly if you think someone's words and promises match their behaviour and personality, and don't allow your own insecurities about being alone led you into what is clearly a toxic relationship with no future. Please don't think I am being harsh, I'm genuinely shocked and am just imaging how concerned I would be if such a thing was happening to a friend or a loved one of my own. Keep yourself safe, you are the most important person and you need to look after yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): He knows most western women are easy, so he took advantage of that. Do you think he would sit back and allow any man to treat his sister the way he treated you?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Good Lord, you list such a massive chunk of absolutely awful and dire things this man has done to you. He has treated you like absolute cr*p and left you in pieces...and you are sad he's gone?????
Ummm...WHY??? You should be jumping for joy and blessing the heavens that you are finally free of such a nasty controlling b*st*rd!!!!
Does he have any good points??..oh yep he's charming...WOW...and that makes up for all the horrible things he has done to you???
You say he is caring??? errr no he isn't hes a tw*t who keeps you secret, enforces his muslim way on you and yet expects you to dress like a slut, abandons you, ignores you and gets you to buy him stuff....oh and trys to get you into a fake marriage so he can get a visa???
What part of all this do you not see as abusive behaviour???
I think what has happened is that he has destroyed your self esteem and self worth so you feel so trapped and beholden to him and now you don't know if you are coming or going. It's a bit like a hostage who gets attached to their captor because they get brainwashed.
You seem to think he's going to change into this wonderful loving caring person who is really going to love and commit to you, but he can't be that because how he is treating you now is how he will always treat you.
He will eventually marry a woman from his own culture and country, because these religions always marry withing themselves...thats probably the reason he has dumped you. Couldn't get what he wanted...someone he can control manipulate use and abuse (for a visa) and so he's probably moved onto plan B. There are probably other women involved as he is going to maximise his chances to get what he wants.
My friend Jane married a muslim man from Tunisia. He loved her from the moment they met and he showed it. He courted her, introduced her to his family and worked hard so they could be together. She converted to Muslim and he taught her his ways but also embraced the fact she was a western woman. They now have two children and are blissfully happy. They are happy because he loved her and wanted her and knew what he had to do to be with her.
Your guy has done none of this...he's a bad guy...be happy you had a lucky escape from a life of complete misery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): Thankyou all for your answers so far, some a bit too close. I know how stupid I look but all the secrecy was supposed to `protect' him from his familys wrath. To respect him and his family. Listen many a time I realised I shouldnt be sleeping with a muslim, I was letting him do what he shouldnt but is that really my problem? I cant have sympathy pains for him. He never acted cold and cruel, he acted with warmth and what u may think love. I questioned him many times about his behaviour and he kept going back to either the family loyalty thing or I was imagining things. I didnt buy him everything. I said he asked for. I didnt give in. I gave very little.
Cerberus, honestly I cannot understand the notion that because my hair was uncovered it is a signal that I am to be used. Come on. Thats shocking. Its virtually prehistoric and retarded to think a womans hair is a `im a hooker' signal.
One of you (Im sorry I cannot find it again) said did I think things would work out, well yes I did. He asked me to live with him but changed his mind days later. He told me he would introduce me to his family when I came to stay in his country. He was lying about everything, all of the time and amazingly....the reason he gave for ending it all this time was I dont trust him. I dont believe what he says. I never nagged him. I respected he had his reasons and romatically dreamt I was something he loved but could never really have.Its not a stupid idea. It would be the same if he were gay and he hid that too. Both of these `crimes' are against his family and Islam.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): "I tried to tell him over and ovet and over that Im a good woman who does not behave like this, just sleep with someone."
He didn't believe you, and why should he? You proved over and over and over that you are exactly the type of woman who would just sleep with someone by just sleeping with
someone (him) over and over and over.
He didn't judge your character (or lack thereof) by listening to what you told him about yourself, he judged your character (or lack thereof) by observing how you actually behaved.
A lesson that a certain person "numb with shock" (who shall remain unidentified for her sake) obviously hasn't learned yet, and probably never will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): Honeypie is right OP all the signs were there to begin with and you ignored them.
We don't need to tell you you're stupid because you know you were.
There is no real question in your post so I'll answer the question in the title.
What was his motivation? Sex from a woman who gave him anything he wanted any time he asked and let him use her over and over again. It's that simple. You were a filthy infidel that was there to be used and thrown away by this guy.
He didn't wear a mask OP, it was as clear as day from the start but you ignored it all. He's a "devout" Muslim and devout Muslims only sleep with women they're married to, so immediately that tells you he's a lying cheating scumbag because he cheated his faith. You cannot claim to be Muslim and then cast aside the very foundations of the faith any time you choose. You cannot treat women as objects of sexual gratification as a Muslim, why do you think Muslim women wear the Hijab? It's to prevent things like this because they are completely against Islam to do so. He especially can't soil his faith by having sex with an infidel.
This isn't his fault though OP, it's yours. People can only use us if we let them and you let him do some outrageous shit. I'm not trying to be cruel or to make you feel bad OP but what lesson are you going to learn if you blame him for it all? You let him treat you like a dirty sex slave and never once thought to tell him to piss off and now you're thinking he wore a mask. No he didn't it was always obvious.
For the future don't date devout Muslims, they can't be devout if they're dating you. So they're liars. They can't have sex until marriage and the girls they do have sex with become what you were a dirty little sin and nothing more. What's worse OP is he's gotten away with all this and now may go on to live a nice happy life married to a woman who thinks he kept himself pure for her.
Just so people don't think I'm being racist or anti-Islam, I'm not. But the tenets of that faith are very clear, you cannot claim to be one if you don't follow them, so you're immediately a liar if you claim to but don't. I'm also not saying all Muslim men are like that, as with anything there are moderates and those raised Muslim who are not really practising Muslims but as with any guy you always have to test them first. You didn't
Fuck this guy OP, never speak to him again, never let him be in your life again and learn your lessons from this. You need to stop focusing on what he did to you and focus on why you let him treat you like this for so long. Were you desperate? Are you just naive? Are you too inexperienced? Did you just think it was all going work out great? You need to ask yourself all these questions so that the next guy won't be able to do the same things to you. Remember OP, it's okay to be angry at this guy because he's a prick, it's not okay to be angry at yourself because it's not going to help. You made a lot of mistakes here, too many to count but you have to take responsibility for those or you'll just repeat them. Most importantly though OP, never again get into a relationship with a guy who has this much control over you, even the nicest if us will treat you like a doormat if you let us. You should always know what you need in a relationship and you should always demand that in return. You must always take if you're going to give and if the only wants to take then tell him to fuck off.
Don't sleep with a guy until you're sure he's one of those guys who respects you and will tend to your needs too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): Hiya,
Im sorry to hear what a bad time youve had. This man, im sorry to say was just using you. He is of the eastern muslim belief that western women are easy. He was using you for his own gratification. He didnt show you love and respect because if he had he wouldnt of hidden away with you, kept you a secret and then force you to give him oral. He never respected your feelings at all your relationship with him.
If i were you id be thanking my lucky stars that your well rid of him and not been used as a means for a visa. In muslim law, the husband owns everything in a marraige. So what is yours would have ended up his and god only knows what measures he could of taken to rid you of every thing you own.
Move on and try to put this behind you and breath a big sigh of relief.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 I'm sorry, but I'm wondering why with all those RED FLAGS you carried on.
You didn't look at his actions, you only heard his words, am I right? Because you say that he was charming and nice, but really? Since when is taking advantage of another person charming? when is calling all the shots nice? When is never taking you out in public nice or charming?
Learn from this. Stay far far away from men like him. I wouldn't be surprised if this was his MO, going after women who are a little older then him and then treating like like crap, but talking big game. And, using them for material gain.
Basically he treated you like a sugar mama.
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