A
female
age
41-50,
*oSoAlone
writes:I am 30 years old. I have 3 little boys which I love and adore more than life. I was married once and divorced and then remarried 4 years ago. We have 2 of the 3 sons together.My husband is 15 years older than me and after our last child I could tell he did not want anymore. I was suppose to get my tubes tied but things happened at the hospital and I did not have the procedure. He was aware of it so we made sure I was on birth control. I started it asap and we used the pill and a condom when we had sex. So - really - we were using 2 forms of birth control to be safe. Ever since my last son was born we did that. Well, about 2 1/2 months ago I started feeling strange. Being I have already been through pregnancy 3 times, I know the signs. Well the "strange" things I was feeling were not what I had usually went through. I ignored it for a while (and please keep in mind - through this whole story - since the birth of my last child - I have always had a normal period or what some call "time of the month"). Well, things kept happening and I woke up one morning and had a belly. I am a thin girl and always have been who works out constantly and likes my stomach flat. I figured it was some bloating but it would not and did not go away. I showed my husband and he was concerned that maybe something was wrong with me since I did not use the bathroom that much. Well - I used laxatives and everything else to make myself go to the bathroom - the belly remained with me. I started to worry when I felt strange feelings in my lower abdomen. I knew what those feelings were. It was not something I could ignore and I had to take at least one step and take a pregnancy test. It right away came out clear positive. I was right away thrilled. I love children and always have. I like being pregnant and have that to share with who I am with. It is a woman thing I suppose. Well - it hit me that I was going to have to tell my husband and I got terrified. I did not want him to be mad at me. I don't keep secrets from him and we have a very open relationship physically, sexually, and emotionally. We always talk and tell each other what is on our minds and how we feel.He came home from work and I told him I needed to speak to him and he looked right at me and said "Your pregnant...........". I started smiling and crying and gave him the test. He was so mad at me and the situation. He looked at me and said he did not want it - he would not love it - and we needed to get an abortion. I don't believe in abortion as an option and he knew that. I figured he was just mad and would cool off to a point where we could talk about it. It was not mentioned again. He stopped talking to me. We talked but you could tell the distance between us. It hurt so bad. I went and had an ultrasound at a local freestanding facility and told the technician that I had no clue I was pregnant as I had not shown "pregnant signs" and then I felt the movement and it was very strong. She did the ultrasound and I was so far along she could tell the sex of the child and told me I was at least 24 weeks pregnant and I was pregnant with a little girl. I have been trying for a little girl since my first one. But I always had boys.I told him about the ultrasound and was hoping he would be happy since it was a girl. He got mad and still refused to talk to me. I put all 12 ultrasound pictures on my nightstand by my bible thinking he would look at them and see him little baby and want to talk about it. He has never looked at the pictures to this day.Last night we were having a good night talking about life and how in love we were and then I brought up the baby issue. He has come to the conclusion I can not have the abortion because I "waited too long". He told me my only other option was adoption and giving the child up. There was no talking to him about my feelings or changing his mind about just giving it a chance. He told me if I decided to keep the child one day there was a good chance I would wake up and roll over and he was going to be gone - he would walk out on everything.So - here is my issue. I am being made to choose between a husband I love very much or a baby I conceived with my husband using 2 forms of birth control. I did not do it on purpose. This child is growing inside me for a reason. What do I do? Please keep in mind before you help me - make note - my husband is a good man. He is a hard worker, he always tries his best to please me any way he can. He is a good father to the three kids here now. And facts are facts - I love him. He is a good man - but being forced to make this choice seems unfair. I need help. I do want to have my cake and eat it too. I want my baby and I want to love her and raise her but I want my husband too. I have now started getting depressed to the point I am thinking unclear and doing strange things. I got real sick this morning throwing up and just stressed. I am resentful of life right now and I don't want to be. I want to do the right thing. I need some help and guidance. I am sick of hearing my husband tell me "God hates us". This child was not created out of hate.Please someone help me. I don't need to be told how terrible I am or my husband is - I just need some guidance or ideas in the right direction.
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (9 February 2009):
Your best chance of getting a good outcome lies in understanding what it is that he is afraid of, and making concrete plans to lessen those things. For example, if he wanted to retire/quit his job, and now he thinks he will never be able to, you may be able to come up with some ways you could bring in extra income, or reduce expenses. Perhaps saying you'd be much happier with a little girl than with fancy presents or eating out or expensive vacations. Something like that might indicate that you aren't trying to have your ideal future at the expense of his. If he is saying "God hates us", then he is clearly very upset/worried about something.The part you already know is that both of you get to decide what you each do with your lives. The part you can be thankful for is that you aren't a husband who wants the daughter, whose mother wants to have an abortion (for example). As the mother, it is your body, and ultimately your decision and yours only. But whether each of you decides to stay with each other is your own decision as well. So he gets to decide if he wants to live with you and his children.Thing is, almost certainly you would keep the children if he left. And almost certainly, he would still be financially responsible for all of them (birth control or no birth control). Reminding him of that would probably just make him feel more helpless and angry, but knowing that in the back of your mind may make you feel safer. If it's a money thing, that horse has already left the barn. His only way to avoid the financial burden may be adoption, but it's not his call, and being on his own but still burdened would be worse. Unless he is really very personally angry with you (such that he couldn't be at peace with you near), I have to think he would stay.So I think your greatest power to influence the situation is to help him not feel ambushed / misunderstood / the bad guy. I'm thinking something along the lines of "I know neither of us wanted another child, and it's because I/we don't believe in abortion that we doubled up on birth control. But nothing is perfect, and now that we have a child, I know I'll always be worried if someone else if raising our daughter right. I think you are a great father, and your daughter will love you. But I can see this is hurting you, that something has you scared or angry or depressed. I want to know what it is, what I can do to help, because our kids need both of us, and I need you, too." Etc, you get the idea.I think it all starts with understanding where he is coming from, knowing that you will keep your child, and working together to improve things from here.(Oh, and the whole putting the sonograms on the bedside table and talking about how wonderful it all is, can be seen from his perspective as being hurtful and insensitive, rubbing it in. Perhaps even raising doubts about whether you did something to make this happen. As happy as you are, the man you love is devastated, and he may think you care more about a daughter you don't even know, than you do about him. Careful of that - if you love them both, make that clear.)(And yes, he's being an ass, but it seems he is *your* ass, and you want things better, so dwelling on that may not be productive - at least at first.)Good luck!!
A
female
reader, Olivia(Y).  +, writes (8 February 2009):
 I would get your husband to go and see a counciler. I know it will be a bit embarassing at first but the councilers are there to help people through the harder times in their lifes, they won't laugh because its their job to help.
I can't even begin to think how hard this must be for you feeling like you have to choose. Sit your husband down and calmly explain that god has given you a daughter for a reason not for bad for good. When you give birth to your daughter sit her down with your husband and he should bond with the child after all its a part of him and theres nothing you can do to change it.
Putting your daughter in care will be a choice that you will regret for the rest of your life as i can tell for your question you already care about her, what mother wouldn't?
As you said your husband isn't a bad man. Hes a loving caring dad but hes scared, being his wife you need to support him and you will get through this.
I'm sorry i couldn't be much help.
I wish you the best.
Olivia.
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A
male
reader, kinkydude +, writes (8 February 2009):
Your husband needs some serious counseling, because his negative attitude could really hurt your relationship.
I don't understand his negative feeling. The only thing I can imagine, is that
he is terribly worried about the financial aspect of another child. This may be giving him serious anxiety issues.
This is a serious issue, and you should get to the heart of the matter, to find out why he doesn't want the child. Why he must be so obstinate.
If it is the financial aspect, I can understand how this can create alot of stress.
Once the child comes out into the open, I suspect he'll change his tune.
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A
female
reader, Velma +, writes (8 February 2009):
God gave both of you this baby. I think you need to sit your husband down to talk to him. Tell him that you want this baby, and that you are going to do what is right.
Ask him how he can hate anything that you both made? God gave you this precious gift! You should both be ecstatic and thankful, planned or not!! All you can do is pray for a healthy baby and that your husband will accept both of your baby totally and love it unconditionally.
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