A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:So I met this guy on Tinder and I've been for a drink with him. It went pretty well and he's really attractive TBH (tall, dark, handsome, muscular, works in IT which I also do.) There are a few things about him that bug me a bit like it takes ages for him to reply to messages sometimes (we took a month texting before he even asked me out) and also sometimes he seems fussy about things I do or else too teasing (he made fun of me for my Irish accent and also said that "if I was a charming enough girl" he'd take me for dinner at some point, before we went for our drink. He also said over texts that "I hope you're good company" before our drink). Idk something does seem off about him as hot as he is. He's also super close to his mum who is apparently a hardcore feminist and he was going on on our date about how men have feelings and are sensitive and can wear pink too. Anyway he added me on FB and I know I shouldnt have so dont judge but was curious and TBH I feel he is dating down looks wise with me (I'm a wee bit chunky and look like brunette Amy schumer) so I stalked him a bit. He looks like the sort of guy who dates super hot and feminine gym girls except he doesn't. I saw a pic of him with his ex (who oddly looks very similar to me in face and hair except she has the polar opposite dress sense). I clicked her profile and yes I did browse her pics, dont judge lol, and found a pic of her just after they broke up last Christmas (it said the date she got single on her profile). It's weird as in all her other pics she was brunette but in that one she had dyed red hair. The caption was "Tired of being used and abused by bad boys..." and basically all the comments were her friends asking if she was OK and her replying "barely," etc. From what I gather, according to her he used to tell her what to wear, what to eat, gaslighted her and was unreliable, and after the breakup she did a complete life change as she said she didn't know what she liked any more. I know this was only her side of the story but from her profile she seemed like the sorta girl I would be friends with IRL and tbh he has seemed OK ish but deep down I do maybe believe her. They are no longer friends on FB.What should I do TSR? Break it off with him or wait to see what he turns out to be like? From the sounds of it he may have been emotionally abusive, or should I not make assumptions as she might have exaggerated?
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broke up, christmas, emotionally abusive, ex girlfriend, his ex, stalking, teasing, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019): This guy has got MAJOR issues. I would dare to say he could potentially be a NARCISSIST. Take it from me. A NARCISSIST is the last person on earth you would EVER want to associate with. They will systematically destroy you over the years until there is nothing left of you. Good on you for listening to your gut instinct and finding out more about his past. You and only you can protect your own heart. I would forget he exists from now on.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 September 2019):
 SPOT ON, Ciar!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 September 2019):
 You don't know for a fact that she was abused, or was even referring to him.
That's not what got my attention. It was your description of his behaviour in your second paragraph. 'If you're charming enough' and 'I hope you're good company'. He's already grooming you to make pleasing him a priority.
Right now you haven't been damaged by his comments. As attracted as you might be to him, you seem to be emotionally removed enough to refer to his conduct as 'bugging' you.
I would dump him, and in this case maybe even ghost and block him. The vague accusations of his ex mean nothing to me. It's his behaviour that makes them believable.
Keep away from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): Nope. this guy is trouble. your gut is already telling you so. He's negging you which is manipulative and his ex called him abusive. Listen to her before he drags you down like he did to her. That feeling you get that something is off, is your instinct. Don't ignore it or you'll be looking back on this day going 'I knew there was something wrong from the start, I should have listened to my gut."
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 September 2019):
 I wouldn’t even be worrying about what you saw on his exes profile to be honest. YOU have told us that you’re already having bad feelings about this guy, that alone is enough to stay clear. Trust your guy ALWAYS! You wouldn’t feel that way if everything was going well and you were happy of how things were progressing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): He talks down to you, which is rude and disrepectful. He is very close to mum and she is dominating his life. At home with mom, he has little to no control, so when he picks a woman, who he perceives as needy, as in him dating down, looks wise, he sees his opportunity to seize control of your life, and will become a nightmare controlling boyfriend. Be smart and learn from his ex gfs mistakes! Shes not making up that he told her how to dress. That rings truthful to me! If he could manipulate the hot gym girl type, he would! He cannot control them, so he wants a victim type girl, whos a bit down on her own appearance, then he comes to her rescue, like he is GODS GIFT! He is not OP! Cut and run Dear Lady! Follow your womans intuition. It is there for times like this! All my best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): Duh!!! Ofc!!! sooner or later he will look to abuse you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 September 2019):
 Based on what you’ve written, I would be done with him. The comments he’s made are either intentional “negging” or unintentionally rude.
The ex’s profile gave you some interesting information about her experience with him; it doesn’t mean it would be your experience. However, his negative comments to you and the ex’s comments about his controlling nature suggest that despite his looks, he’s not all that great a boyfriend.
You’ve had one date and already have a few things that bug you. That would be enough to say “thanks but um, no thanks. Buh-bye!”
Listen to your intuition. Oh, and stop with judging your “dateability” based on looks, his vs yours. You can fix “chunky” but you can’t fix mean.
You deserve better and you know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2019): you seem a smart intelligent woman and the irish accent is lovely by the way. this guy might be good looking but often the good looking ones are single due to theyre terrible personalities and this is looking like the case here.
I have had many guys like this in the past and as soon as they start saying nasty comments its a sign of more to come. Don't waste your time on abusive men a gentleman you should seek and don't settle for any less !
He already has said some pretty rude things to you that was out of order saying he would take you to dinner if you were charming enough. your best off deleting him on fb and tell him your new date is taking you to dinner which of course he will :)
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 September 2019):
 Even if you had never checked out his ex's social media page and seen her comments, you stated that you have seen some actions of his that are worrisome. Never ignore signs/red flags. Listen to what you are feeling. His behavior is troublesome. I agree that it could lead to him being condescending, possibly controlling. Please take it from someone who has been there. I seen signs that my ex husband was controlling, belittling and even violent (quick to temper) but I never thought he would react that way to me. I was soo wrong. It took a broken arm for me to wake up and get out.
I wouldn't give this guy a chance to abuse you mentally or physically. I'd get out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 September 2019):
 Just based on his «compliments» (if you are charming enough...) I would ditch him. Speaking in this way shows clear disrespect and an almost narcissistic self image. What, like he is some sort of prize you need to earn? I think you can take his ex’s word on this one. He reeks of asshat all across the Internet. Just the way you described him made me twitch. Stay clear of this one.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 September 2019):
 Only he and his ex know what truly went on. You have HER side of the story. His side will be totally different. The truth probably lies somewhere between the two. However, my own experience has been that there is seldom smoke without a fire (unless someone is bitter and twisted and out to get revenge by blatant lying).
The part of your post which rang alarm bells for me was "sometimes he seems fussy about things I do". This is often the first warning sign of controlling behaviour in the future.
You have a gut instinct to protect you. Listen to yours. You KNOW something is not right. In your shoes I would not be waiting around to find out what it is. I would be cutting my losses and getting out of there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2019):
First of all, abuse is flung around like a dime a dozen these days. EVERYTHING is abuse and "everyone" a victim.
There could be plenty of reasons why they broke up, you have already pointed out some of his behavior that you find a bit off-putting and I think you should LISTEN to your gut more than listen to some Facebook pity-party post of his ex-gf. She might also be telling the truth - and it just took her a long to to realize that SHE deserve better.
He sounds like he is a bit full of himself, tbh. He knows he is good looking but he goes for women who aren't perhaps as "hot" as himself, so HE is the "top-dog" and SHE should be "grateful" that he is dating her.
Your GUT tells you something is a little off with him, LISTEN to that and maybe reconsider dating this one.
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