A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend secretly punched the air and celebrated after I had a miscarriage. Should I dump him for being so heartless?We’ve been together for 8 months and are both 20. Things were going fine and I genuinely thought he was the kindest, sweetest guy I’d ever met until this happened.About 6 weeks ago we were fooling around in bed together. We didn’t have any condoms so tried to stick to just foreplay but were both so horny we just couldn’t help ourselves and had full sex, although he did ‘pull out’ when he came. We both thought it would be OK but really I should’ve known better. A few days ago I found out I was pregnant. Naturally I was shocked, as was my boyfriend. He really started to panic and told me I needed to have an abortion. I was in two minds about the whole thing. Really I wasn’t ready to have a baby either but at the same time the thought of having an abortion sounded horrible. But he was adamant and kept saying it would mess both of our lives up.I told him I’d leave it a day or so and think about it. It didn’t stop him messaging me relentlessly though trying to convince me to have the abortion. But the more I thought about it, the more I warmed to the idea of keeping it. I actually started to get really excited about it. But my excitement didn’t last long. The following day I started getting pains and began bleeding really heavily. It didn’t take a genius to work out what had happened. My sister is a midwife so I called her she came over straightaway. She was pretty sure I’d had a miscarriage but got me an appointment at the hospital just to be 100% sure and they eventually confirmed it. I was actually really upset about it, more than I thought I would be.I called my boyfriend round to my flat to tell him face-to-face and he seemed to be really sympathetic about it. He sat and cuddled me for hours whilst I sobbed. He was then really apologetic about the way he reacted and I thought he was being so mature about it.However just after he left to go home I went into the kitchen to do the washing up. From the window in the kitchen I could see outside onto the forecourt in front of my block of flats and I saw him walking along towards the car park. He seemed normal at first but then started running and jumped in the air punching the sky as if he’d just scored a goal in a football game. He then got his phone out and rang someone with the biggest smirk on his face. Considering he’d just left my flat about a minute before really ‘sympathetic’ it looked like he’d gotten over it pretty quickly. I feel disgusted he could be so two faced about something like that, never mind seem to celebrate the fact I’d just lost his baby. It’s made me question our whole relationship. He'll probably just deny it if I confront him about it. Should I dump him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019): What a horrible situation to be in. It's like a double whammy; you go through the pain of a miscarriage and now feel you don't know your boyfriend at all. You must be going through hell right now. I agree he does seem very two-faced.What concerns me more than his 'reaction' though is how much he seemed to pressure you into having an abortion beforehand. It was easy enough for him to say 'just get rid' when he isn't the one who has to suffer through it. That just shows a total lack of respect and appreciation towards you and your feelings. He was purely thinking about himself. I am a man but can understand how difficult going through an abortion can be for a woman, both emotionally and physically. Given the fact that you both knew you had taken a huge risk by recklessly having unprotected sex makes his overall reactions even worse. And I'm sorry but it should be common knowledge to all men that 'pulling out' is no guarantee of avoiding an unwanted pregnancy. I learned this in fricking High School Sex Education for God's sake. I would have actually had some sympathy for him if you'd used a condom or had been on some form of birth control and it just failed. Then perhaps you could understand his reaction somewhat. But he made his bed as the saying goes, and the way he reacted just shows his blatant immaturity.But what do you do? I agree if you confront him about it he will just deny it or say you got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe just mention that you saw him 'jumping for joy' and ask what it was about instead of saying it must have been about the miscarriage. If you put him on the spot you can always tell if someone is panic-lying or telling the truth straightaway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019): He has just shown you who he really is.Believe it. Dump him.He is unfeeling and unkind.This is a child you deserve a man. My heart goes out to you as I have lost two babies...You will never forget...the pain gets less life goes on but your baby will always be in your heart.Sending you many bugs and heartfelt sympathy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019): Not every woman regrets having an abortion for the rest of their lives. Being too young, unable to complete your education, no help and no great job prospects is not the way to start a family. That was my situation.
I had an abortion at 18 and, now at 55, do not regret it. I did the right thing for myself at the time. I wish other women who have had abortions would not attribute their feelings and experience to all women. Stop trying to guilt those who have not regretted or have had negative feelings about their decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019): Use contraception and be responsible in future (both of you). Miscarriage is heartbreaking, Abortion hurts forever, unwanted children is unfair. Take the easy road CONTRACEPTION or a MUTUAL choice to have children.
Sorry for your loss, do you know why you had the miscarriage ? please don't try and fill the void by repeating the same scenario.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019): Typo corrections:
"Males will never experience the depth of emotions that a female feels about carrying another living-being within your own body."
"Males bond to the child when we can actually-feel him or her in our arms!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019): Somehow, it was through divine intervention that you should see what your boyfriend truly felt about your terrible loss and experience. My most sincere condolences. Words alone cannot express how such experiences deeply hurt women. It's something there's only one-way someone could know how it feels; and that's by going through it. All others can do is offer their sympathies, and that really isn't enough!
Males never experience the depth of emotions that a female feel about carrying another living-being within your own body. Whether it is wanting it, or not wanting it. Even the decision of what to do about it is a soul-searching, and even heart-wrenching, decision that only a woman could know.
Your body creates pregnancy-hormones, you'll form both a physical and a spiritual-awareness of the child; and thus, through natural-instinct, a very powerful and beautiful connection is established. Your mind is wired differently about pregnancy; so never expect a male to emote the same as you do. He has to grow attached as he realizes the fetus is actually a human being, not what registers as "positive" on a strip. Paternal-instinct is not as closely-attached to pregnancy. It's how nature works. Males bond to the child when we can actually-feel him or her in are arms! We can only attach emotionally to the mother; but superficially to the natural-process of gestation of the child.
Society has somewhat desensitized males to the degree they can walkaway from their own fully-developed children; who have an understanding of the fact he is dismissive of his manly-responsibilities as a father. He doesn't show the same sense of loss and detachment. While other men can be utterly devastated by the loss and/or separation from his child! Even a child(ren) he has grown to love not biologically his! God bless men of this kind! They are rare and precious as platinum!
Your boyfriend never wanted the child in the first place. The reaction you saw was an indication of his immaturity and callousness as a person. If he didn't care about the child, he should have cared how it affected YOU! His kind of reaction is the very reason you must be careful about unprotected-sex. Each and every-time you engage in sexual-activity! Horny is no excuse! Nor does blaming males about our insensitivities make it any less of your own responsibility to protect yourself; and assuming full-responsibility to and for a child who could result. Whether he wants to be a father, or not!
I can only pray God consoles you of your pain and loss. You're way too young for all this. You will not easily forgive him for what you've seen in him; but you have to. I would recommend that you concentrate on your emotional-healing. I don't think his presence in your life at this point in time would be conducive of that. That scene will always replay in your mind for as long as you live. In time, God-willing, the pain it causes you will fade.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019): Your bf is just an immature kid. It's unfair to call him a jerk. He's still finding out who he is. Lots of us have acted stupid and insensitive as teenagers and young adults. Myself included. And I certainly wouldn't behave that way after many years of life experience, growth and maturity. Neither of you acted maturely by having unprotected sex. If you're willing to grow with him, hang in. I think you're extra sensitive right now
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reader, mystiquek  +, writes (14 September 2019):
 Dont mean to start a flame war here but I agree with Chigirl and Honeypie. Abortion is NEVER something to be taken lightly. While it may not mean much to the man, it can affect a woman for the rest of her life. I know. I was married and had 2 children, youngest less than 2 when I accidentally got pregnant. My husband absolutely did not want another child. I was working full time, we were living in a 2 bedroom apt trying to get a house and I am ashamed to say I let him coerce me into getting an abortion. I was only 6 weeks along but that doesn't matter. I cried throughout the entire procedure because I knew in my heart I was doing something that to me was wrong. I didn't have the $$ or the energy to leave my husband and wind up alone with 3 children.
Afterwards, he told me that he should have come back and get me out there. Thanks...a little too little too late. 3 years later he begged me to have another child. I was in my early 30's and could have had another baby ..but uh..NO WAY. That was 30 year ago and every year I still mark the "death" of that baby wondering what he/she would have looked like and been. It still hurts me to my core and I feel ashamed of myself.
Don't talk about what you don't understand and can't comprehend Anon male. Enough said
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2019):
 Absolutely agree Chigirl, well put.
I have a friend who at 16 got pregnant and had an abortion. While it DEFINITELY was what EVERYONE (family especially) thought was best for her - she STILL regrets it 35 years later. She still feels it was wrong on so many levels.
Abortion shouldn't be taken lightly, ever. IT IS a life.
I get that an immature male in his teens/early 20's don't think of it that way, all they see is "the solution" to the "problem" they HELPED create in the first place. It doesn't AFFECT THEM at all, physically. After all they aren't the one having to MAKE that choice and to through with it and then LIVE with it for the rest of their life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): I think it's understandable that he was relieved, he was clear he did not want a baby. However, what he did (even if he thought you couldn't see) showed he was pretending to you and is childish and insensiitve. He has no real understanding of why this is something sad for you and that makes you two incompatible at this point. He also tried to push you to get an abortion and that is never ok. It's your choice and shouldn't be something you're pressured into.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 September 2019):
 Apologies, edited my previous post and forgot to move the edit to the end, hence why it's a bit disjointed. Doh.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 September 2019):
I am so sorry for your loss. Consider speaking with your doctor to get professional support in coming through this, or to your sister, given her vocation. There are many support groups out there which specialize in the grief experienced when someone loses an unborn baby. Sometimes it helps just to speak with someone who has gone through the same thing.
It was a bit unfortunate that you just happened to see your boyfriend when he punched the air. If you hadn't, you would have carried on thinking he was a sweet guy, despite his pressurizing you to have an abortion. For what it's worth, I don't think he was celebrating your miscarriage as such, rather his regained freedom and relief. I appreciate the two are interlinked, but there IS a difference and he didn't have the same bond with the baby as you did (in his defense).
All that said, his extreme reaction to the news of your pregnancy would, for ME, be the deal breaker, not the fact he appeared to celebrate the demise of the baby. Even if you are VERY careful about contraception in the future, NOTHING (short of complete abstinence) is 100% safe. What if you were to fall pregnant again? Would his reaction be the same? And what if, next time, you carried the baby to full term? What sort of a father would he be if he resented the baby's intrusion in his life? How much pressure would he put on you to have an abortion when you already know, you would probably not be able to go through with it?
They say we forget what people say or do, but we NEVER forget how they make us feel. Think about that and decide whether you want to spend any more time with a man who made you feel the way HE did.
Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
Withdrawal is not contraception. It is notoriously unreliable as semen can leak out of the man's penis well before ejaculation. Don't EVER be tempted to use it again, thinking you will be ok. You have already found out, to your cost, that is not the case. (Not trying to make light of the situation, but you know what they call people who use the withdrawal method of contraception? Parents.)
Your boyfriend is not ready to be a father so should not be having sex, least of all unprotected sex. You, on the other hand, were prepared to step up and welcome the baby that was created by mistake and love it as it deserved. I think, despite you both being the same age, you are much more mature than he is (many studies have shown female humans mature earlier than males).
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 September 2019):
 What anon male reader fails to understand is that abortion is a big medical procedure with huge impact on a persons moral and life. Many women struggle for years later, if not for life, with the decision to have an abortion. It is ending a life, its not a birth control method. It is surgery. And this boy had absolutely no right to pester her into having one. Fair enough that he did not want a child, but he completely failed to take responsibility for his own actions. He failed in supporting his girlfriend. He added difficulties and pain on her, only to take care of himself. He could have said he did not want a child, and then used some bloody protection. An abortion is not birth control, and he had no right to demand that from her or pester her for one. To then celebrate the miscarriage shows urter lack of understanding for the situation and the complications. Did he at all concider the risks involved for her both when it comes to abortion and a miscarriage??? Sheezes. Male anon, it is clear to see that you dont grasp this either. Him asking her for an abortion was about as fair as me asking you to surgically remove the toes on your foot simply because I dont like the way they look.
An abortion is a god damn surgical procedure that is both painful, scary, holds enormous moral complications, and involves risk of inflamation, she could risk not being able to have children again, serious complications that are a risk with any surgery, and also risking her mental health. A miscarriage also leads to increased chance of depression and is a traumatic experience. So while she goes through a trauma, he jumps with joy! Really. And you dont get why we call him a selfish brat. So, if you didnt surgically remove your toes on my request, but then a car drives over your foot and you need to remove them anyway, I will be jumping for joy. Lets ser how you feel about this then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2019): Sorry for your loss. Please kindly read what cindycares has written, twice. She is spot on!
I think your bf has done well in terms of helping you grieve and you have to also understand it from his point of view although it may seem only one thing matters at the moment. You should continue to see how he shows care for you in the next few days and weeks. You will be able to see his true colours. He should continue to be there and support you. If he doesn’t, than you know!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2019): I agree with Cindycares. He told you he didn't want a baby by asking you to have an abortion. He, like most men his age did not want to have a child. So you Knew he did not want a child. It was rash to have unprotected sex but you did together.When you miscarried. You were upset. You had bonded with the future baby. He had not. To him it was a collection of cells that would change the course of his whole life. When you miscarried that threat to his life trajectory was over. If he was callous he should have jumped for joy right there and then. He didn't. He realised that you had invested in the baby that might have been and he considered your feelings and comforted you. You KNEW he didn't want it logically when he comforted you but accepted his comfort, then when he thought he was alone he rashly celebrated his luck that this collection of cells hadn't become a baby. He, was ultimately consistent in how he felt. He didn't dance a jig when you were there because he cared about your feelings. That's not two faced, that's considerate.Not everyone will be able to appreciate the facts of the matter coldly, but apart from being a bit celebratory about what he considers luck and you do not, he hasn't behaved badly towards you. Certain posters have not seen it that way but he owes you no explanation for actually showing how he said he felt about something.That said. If you cannot reconcile the fact that he felt very differently about the situation you faced, then there may not be a future for you. But ultimately he was honest, acted honestly except when to save you feelings. Nothing fairer than that. You really really did not want a baby right now, you're both barely adults. Sorry for your loss.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2019):
 EDIT :
" In other words, I think HE respected your grief… "
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 September 2019):
Well, of course he was relieved, what do you expect. He was not exactly celebrating your miscarriage , he was celebrating his luck in getting easily out of a fix that could have changed his life ( and yours ) forever in a bad , bad way. Kids are a blessing… when they are planned and wanted. Otherwise, ...not a blessing at all . At least, not always, not for everybody ; and people are not obliged to feel that a child is always a blessing no matter what. that I can see how you'd be sad and let down, since YOU were warming up to the idea of having a baby, but I just can't see how you would be °surprised ° by his reaction. I mean, the guy was adamant: he did NOT want a baby. He did not want to be a 20 y.o. parent. He wanted you to have an abortion, he was °pestering ° you to have an abortion, and finding strong resistence from your side. Now, all of a sudden- problem solved. He was between a rock and a hard place- either accepting this unwanted child, or hoping you'd cave in under his pressure , but well aware that in this case you were going to resent him and blame him forever. He could not win- but now, he did not need to do anything, - yet the problem is gone. Of course he is happy !, he would not be human if he weren't. You call him two faced - personally, I would not say that. He was diplomatic, if you want. He knew that for YOU this was a big loss, and was sympathetic with your grief and disappointment. He was probably sincerely upset to see you upset, and sorry that you had to go through all this- but if you want him NOT to be glad for himself, and content with how things turned out, well, to me this would be exactly as " selfish " as he is being called just for not being enthused about the baby . In other words, I think you respected your grief- but you can't demand that he shares it ! ! If he did, then yes, he would be two-faced. since you know very well that he never wanted a child, and there was no doubt about that.
Now , of course, while I agree with who says that, if he was so adamant against having a child, then he should never ever had unprotected sex, I think that this applies equally to you: if you are adamant against abortion, as it's your right to be, then you'd be wise never to put yourself in the position to being prevailed to have one , OR to force your unwilling partner to accept an unplanned child who could mess up both your lives forever.
The truth is , you both are very young, horny, impulsive, not good at delaying gratification, - and then s..t happens. Maybe this painful episode can help both of you to grow up and make better choices for the future.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 September 2019):
I'm sorry for your loss OP. A miscarriage is not easy to go through no matter what the circumstances may be. Take time and let your body and your mind heal. Its hard to say why your b/f acted as he did but if I had to guess I'd say he was feeling relief. Sad but true. I got pregnant and 19 (my b/f was also 19). We got married had the baby and divorced 2 years later. It was nightmare. We were both young and inexperienced but I had to mature...he didn't. I know you don't see it this way now but you did dodge a bullet. As others have stated very few guys are mature at 20. You would have more than likely taking care of the baby all on your own. Please sweetie..always use protection so you never have this happen again. HUGS to you.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2019):
He might NOT have celebrated the miscarriage, but the fact that HE isn't going to have to worry about having a kid or you having an abortion. NOT that it makes it better.
You could be jumping to conclusions as to why he was so "happy" after he left your place but given his PUSH for the abortion, I think you guessed right. HE felt like he dodged a bullet. And honestly? YOU did dodge a bullet too. While I AM sorry for your loss, it's a GOOD thing that you didn't have a child with this asshat. You would be bound to him for the rest of your life. Instead? You can DUMP the loser and TAKE this whole thing as a learning experience.
NEVER ever have unprotected sex UNLESS it's to make a child. Being really horny is no excuse (but at least you were honest).
ALWAYS have extra condoms in your house or purse. And maybe consider getting on birth-control yourself.
I would END it with him. Because he was willing to play Russian Roulette with YOUR body. IF he didn't WANT to make a baby then he should have kept his penis away from your vagina, THAT simple. It's EASY for him to say, GET an abortion, after all it wouldn't be HIM going through it, it would mess with HIS hormones, mood or body.
He is an immature TWAT. Get rid. Don't over-explain and don't mention his behavior after he left. Just tell him you don't see a future with him and be done with it. Then block and delete.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (13 September 2019):
If you want a mature man, I doubt you’ll find one who is 20 years old. So yes, dump him, he is a jerk. In my opinion. Really selfish. But then again, so are 90% of men his age. They just arent proper adults yet. Most of them grow and mature a lot during the next 6-10 years. This experience made you grow, on the other hand. I think you just realized that while he is still mentally a teenager, a child; you have become a woman. And you need more, you need a proper man. He cant give you what you need, not for many more years.
Im sorry you miscarried, its a very painful experience to lose a child, a fetus, even one you didnt know if you wanted to keep or not. I hope you will feel better soon. My advice is to end this relationship, because you clearly see he can not meet you at the same level mentally and in maturity. Take some time to find happiness again. And then find a real, grown up man to date instead. Not a little boy like this one.
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