A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright, so there's this guy... We met, and instantly were attracted to each other. Because of work schedules, we never got to really spend time together. He would occasionally drop in on me at work, and we would constantly text/message/communicate. Anyways, it was a mutual thing. (He actually might have liked me more than I liked him). So the problem arose when I found out that he had sex with a co-worker of mine... She is probably twice my age. He didn't tell me, she did. I acted like I didn't know anything because I didn't know what else to do. Well one day I was kinda sad and he thought it was because I had found out about he and that woman. So he told me the whole thing. Only because he was caught. So from that conversation until now (12 days later) I haven't said a word to him. Nothing. I feel so hurt, and I get sick thinking about it. But at the same time, I miss him. A lot. I want to get over him, but I feel like I need closure. I don't want to open myself up to only get hurt again, but I really felt a connection with him. He said it was a huge mistake and he blames it on his "man mind". I just don't know if I can trust him enough to try again. But I just miss him so much... And at the same time I know I deserve to be treated So much better. How can I get closure and move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): He said it was a huge mistake and he blames it on his "man mind".
That's all the closure you're going to get. He told you why he did it; he did it because he is weak. I don't think any woman or man would feel safe or assured with that kind of a response. He acknowledged what he has done is wrong (and only because he was caught) and gave you the whole "weak man" bs. If his hormones and horniness drove him to do that, how will he keep those in check in the future?
Don't listen to the whole "you two are not official" BS. He didn't tell you he slept with the other co-worker because he felt that you two weren't exclusive. He didn't say "hey, we weren't in an official relationship, so I can bang anyone I want." As you say, he was more interested in you than vice versa. If he was that interested in you, why would he sleep with a co-worker and hide it? He knew it was wrong and that it would influence your decision to continue seeing him if he told you.
I don't care who you are, once you find out that the person you have been dating is screwing other people on the side because you two are not "official", it changes your opinion of them. No woman will say "geez, I understand why you did this. We haven't had the relationship talk, so you can fuck whomever you please." NO ONE would feel, or think that way if they were in your situation. When something like that happens to you, you don't feel special, nor do you feel that the person is really interested in you, or that they have real feelings. You feel betrayed, humiliated you feel like a fool. Been there, done that.
Do you want to be with someone who blames things on a "man's mind"? He has already done it in the beginning - a time where people tend to be on their best behavior and completely smitten with the other person. It's the honeymoon phase, where you can't wait to spend more time with your love interest and get to know them. If he can fuck other women during this time, and say it's because of his weakness, how can you trust that this won't happen again? My advice is to let him go. I know you may miss him, but it will be so much worse if you're with him for years and something like this happens again - and you will feel like an even bigger fool. Even if you forgive him now, you will never fully forgive him, nor will you trust him. Like I said, I've been there and I can tell you that moving on is the best option. It may not seem that way for the first few months, but you will get over it.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 You feel he cheated on you, and then with an unworthy woman.
Fist, I would like to say that the average 42 year old woman is not disgusting. The fact that this man had sex with you is what should bother you, and then I need to qualify that.
When did this happen? Before he met you, or while he was sort of hitting on you? If it happened while he was hitting on you, then you have a valid reason to complain. You were not officially a couple or whatever, but it is still dishonest to court you while he is doing other stuff with someone else.
That said, I would think that you're better off without that guy. If he happened to be trying his luck with you and at the same time he was sleeping with someone else at the workplace, then he is trouble.
I think you don't need to talk to him. My hunch is that he wasn't serious about you anyways. If I were interested in someone at my workplace, the very least thing I would do is sleep with someone else in the same workplace.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 You weren't a couple, weren't even casually dating- there was just a still latent attraction, but as he was attracted to you, he was also attracted- at least physically- to other women. He had no obligations to tell you the details of his sex life , and ,if he had done that, he would not have acted as a gentleman.
You surely can't complain he has cheated on you. Maybe you feel disappointed because you feel that , if he had really been that much into you, he would have passed up any opportunity for sex. Probable, so this must mean that he is not THAT much into you... which is expectable, since you are just getting acquainted and there has been no time and way to develop attachments and feelings. Basically, you reproach him... for not having fallen crazily in love with you at first sight,which is anyway something out of his control.
Perhaps this episode has also made you suspect that this guy has an adventurous or frivolous streak which makes him inclined to casual hook ups, and, well, you may have a point.But we all have control over our impulses, even the most fun-loving, hypersexuated of us - it all depends if we WANT to be committed. That's why , as the other poster says, you'd have to talk to him , see where you stand, and clearly establish ground rules and set boundaries. In lack of which,he has not violated any pact with you, - just shown that probably he is not in love with you yet .
In conclusion, he has disappointed your expecttaions, but, where you entitled to have expectations to begin with ?....
As for the sheer horror that transpires from your post at the idea of a young man having sex with a woman twice your age, so, oh my, all of 36-42 ! a toothless crone ! the best cure is just ... wait and reach that age. With a bit of luck, you'll find yourself at 40 still goodlooking, sensual,sexual, and more accomplished, self confident and mature than you used to be, and you'll understand why a young man can be attracted to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Whats the problem, it sounds like you and he were just friends not dating?
If you are dating then its not a full blown relationship so unless you are having sex and have agreed to be exclusive, he hasn't cheated. Just let you down - in your mind.
Is it hurting because he had sex with another woman, or is your pride hurt because she's twice your age?
If you want to try with him then establish ground rules or set bounderies, talk to him about where you stand.
If you can't get over it, then accept he isn't as perfect you thought he was and move on
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