A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,(Sorry for such a long message) I have a situation that I never thought I'd be in and was just wondering what other people's perspectives are. I am in a long distance relationship with a girl form Hong Kong (we've been dating on and off for more than 2 years). We first met in college, and she's been over to the US twice since then, and I've gone there twice as well to see her. I am really crazy about her - she is smart, driven, ambitious, interesting, beautiful, worldly and really an incredible girl. But can also sometimes be elitist and narcissistic. This is my first time being in an official long-distance relationship, and it really sucks. I love her, so I'm trying to get past this temporary pain, but I am really not sure what to do. I am getting some really mixed messages, and am wondering what I can do to make sense of them and what I can do to best respond to them. We haven't seen each other in about a year, and she is planning to come visit me for a month this summer - and we'll take a big road trip together to try to bridge the distance that time has built up between us. This past year has been pretty rough for both of us - I lost my job on wall street and moved home, and she started working in a stressful job in HK - which she's subsequently left - only to start another just after we see each other this summer. Her job is a very daunting prospect for our relationship. She is starting a job with a big company where the program is that they move you around the world at their discretion every 1.5 years or so, to a lot of very different places - think middle east for one stint, latin america another, asia for a third, NYC for the next, until you either get sick of it or become a senior manager in the company. I really can't imagine it working out for more than one stint with us being apart, and at the same time, I don't know what kind of job I could possible get to let me accompany her on these assignments. And she is very ambitious and driven - I know she will do well with the program.The job is well-paying and she is supporting her mother financially, so I am happy for the opportunity for her on one hand, but on the other hand I feel like there is no way for us to make it work. She will say and do some conflicting things at times as well. For example, she will say things like "yeah I would like to have a proper home and a family" or "someday we can garden together in our home", but then spends all her money traveling and focusing her ambition on that. (she's visited like 6-8 countries this past year) When she does go traveling, she is often MIA for days at a time. I completely trust her and don't think she is cheating on me, just she gets really focused and has so many friends around the world that she doesn't want to talk sometimes. Or this is a thing that is really odd for me - she will say that she knows that if we both keep doing our own thing, thinking that somehow, magically our lives will be woven together (we'll be in the same area) it won't happen, but then when I say ok so how can we work to bring them together, she will say that we need to just take it one step at a time, and we'll discuss it this summer. But I think I need to start making preparations with my life beyond this summer, you know? We are both driven, and adaptable people, speak a few languages and I'm confident could get by fine in most of the places that are possibilities for us - US, Australia, or HK - that is, if we both work at it. I know, realistically there is probably a very very slim chance of this going anywhere given what the near future holds (supposedly the divorce rate for people taking the job she has is 2/3), on top of our already quite large cultural and geographic distances, but I want to give this everything I've got now, so I won't have any regrets in 10 years if it doesn't work out, at least I will know there is nothing else I could have done. I guess I'm just wondering what you guys thing would be the best way to broach the subject of our future this summer. I don't want to come on too strong and seem desperate and push her away, but I want to let her know how important she is to me, and how the goal of building a life with her - wherever that is - is really what I cherish most in my heart. The dynamics of the relationship to me feel quite tenuous - like I find myself calling most of the time, And when we do talk, she seems a bit distant on the phone. The power in the relationship right now is all with her - I don't have a job currently, and she knows that I am really in love with her. I can't help but feel that maybe she is starting to get a bit distant to ease the seperation she will feel when she moves to her new posting, or to build up the walls around her heart a bit. The relationship has been quite rocky - especially this past year - we broke up a few times for a few days at a time, and she has a few rather unrealistic demands like she will be very upset with me if I am unreachable for an hour, but will herself disappear from phone calls for a day at a time. I really try to do my best to let her know how my day is going, what I'm up to, what's on my mind, etc., but she doesn't seem to try as hard to keep me up to date about her life.I know from the description above, you might think this is doomed, but then she is coming for almost a month this summer, which leaves me a bit stumped as well. It seems kind of like the relationship is going badly, but then she still wants to come. So I don't know if she is viewing her trip this summer just as a glamorous vacation to america and nothing serious with us before her world-hopping job? Another stamp in the passport? Oh and one last thing that is really kind of a big deal to me, is she won't go into a facebook relationship with me. She claims its because I broke her and her ex up (which is true - they were best friends who started dating) and it would alienate her friends, but that really seems like BS to me. So she won't go into a facebook relationship, but she wants to come to the US for a month this summer to spend time with me and my family. I don't know what to think. What do you guys out there think, given that I really care for her and would do anything necessary to make this work, what should I do? I've always heard that telling your GF that you'd do anything for them can make you seem desperate, and actually push her away, its just that I think that if we don't really plan out our future this summer, then we are doomed to fail. I am trying to stay as optimistic about this as possible, but also I'm kind of in the back of my mind thinking of the backup plan in case this doesn't work out...
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ambition, best friend, broke up, divorce, facebook, her ex, long distance, mixed messages, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Oh boy oh boy Long distance relationships! My forte! Not really a good thing I know. But if you would like, I can offer you my advice since I have been in one with an Australian girl for 2 yrs and a girl from the Netherlands for a year. So HMM I THINK I can offer a thing or two on what I have learned.
First off I can tell many bad signs, which I know is something you don't want to hear. I know you rather hear something you can do to help but sometimes there isn't anything you can do because you have already done your best.
Does the relationship feel one sided? If you feel like this, it usually is. And she knows it very well, she isn't dumb. She gets mad when you aren't there for one minute, but ofc she isn't answering her calls when you try. And to boot, you feel like you are the only one trying to call.
Is she hiding you from the public (fb, her friends etc)? Then this is another red flag, and holds no room for a relationship that you intend to make forever and long lasting.
Career paths : How weird that she will work hard for her mother, her life and career, yet she believes that you both will magically end up together, hmmmmm. A bit contradicting there. Unfortunately this is the biggest sign, where I feel this relationship is doomed. No real plans from her side that indicate you will be together with her in the future as well. Looks like she will be focused on her career for quite some time. I'm not someone who would wait 5 or 10yrs for someone, because that is enough time for anyone to change their mind, and she is already showing little motivation to keep the relationship going, so I would prolly end the relationship and see about my life. If we meet 10 yrs later on then so be it but ofc I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
I do understand the regret you are assuming will happen. I will assure you that it will happen only if you don't get to meet her this summer. If she is rly going to come then that is great. Enjoy your time with her, have fun. Forget about making plans for the future. Have as much fun as you can with her. Because at the end of summer, the relationship will most likely end. If you both don't agree for it to end then so be it but it will prolly end at one point or the other with the way she is given her career as well. If there isn't a strong will from both ends then it's doomed.
When summer ends, forget about her and work on your life. She will be doing the same. Save your money, make some concrete plans for yourself. Don't get her wrong, she prolly does rly love you, thats why she's gonna come visit you...it just may not be as much as you wil want to hope for.
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Hun it's tough it's a long distance relationship with a very big distance going on.
the thing is i agree with anon she's not that in to you.
i mean why would she not put you as a relationship on her status?
if she's that into you she would want to tell the WORLD whom she's seeing i know i would.
she's wanting people to think she's single and probably given the chance should anyone ask her out closer to home she'd take it and that way she doesn't feel guilty because no-one will ever know about you only you yourself.
i've noticed you've said you love her but you've never said she loves you back...
is this because she's never told you?
or is this because you forgot to mention that?
either way you're better off out of this i mean she's clearly too wrapped up in herself and her work to even care she expects you tell her about your day but won't tell you about hers?
bit pathetic and the relationship status is a complete BSing lie! if she was really in love with you and happy with you so on and so forth then she'd do it without question!
but the fact she hasn't is really very poor!
you want to do yourself a favor hun! get out of there give another girl a chance with you! :)
hope this helps hun
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (17 July 2009):
 It sounds to me like you to are following diffrent paths in life, I htink you will benefit more from being a good friend with this girl then trying to form a relationship with so many obstcles in the way. Love makes us do crazy things we dont rationalize and approach things logically at times. I would suggest telling her exactly how you feel she disserves that much, dont tell her all about the future and how you want to be with her tell her how you feel theres a difference. In my opinion shes best left in the freinds with benifits category have fun and enjoy her when shes around but dont try to form an awkward relationship with some one thats on a different path.
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Wowsers! I don`t know how you do it.Your a better man than I am.It seams to me like she is more worldly then you may think.Not adding you to her facebook.Being unreachable for days at a time.I know this is no prof of anything but her having multiple guys would so be in the back of my mind.I totally agree with you,you either need to cement the relationship or end it.If it was me I wouldn`t wait for her visit.This issue is to important to be kept on the back burner.If you have to tell her something just tell her as plain as you can what you need,what,and hope for.If she truly cares for you this discussion would have taken place already. If she really plans a future with you her friends will be alienated anyway.There is no need to keep putting it off.If you want let her know that she can still come and you 2 can do the whole friends with benefits thing,but you really should find out where this relationship is going asap.I`m willing to bet that regardless of what you do it`s a dead end street your on.I`m sorry to say it and I hope you don`t take offense by it,but it`s my honest opinion.As that is my opinion I would find out now where this is going.Defiantly wouldn`t put it off past her visit.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Tell her that if she doesnt change her facebook status then u can't keep being with her. Honestly I also think her excuse is BS. Please, I've heard better excuses than that. She obviously wants people to think she's single. I dont wanna sound harsh but i dont think she's THAT into you, because you said she acts cold and doesnt seem to want to plan your future as much as you want. I think you need to tell her you want to talk about things now and not wait until this summer and that she has to change her facebook status. You guys need to be on the same page. It's not good to let her have ALL the power, otherwise is a one sided relationship and things have to be equal.
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