A
male
age
36-40,
*inVA
writes:I got out of a 1 1/2 year relationship 3 months ago and I feel like crap. My ex told me she fell in love with someone else she worked with and didn't love me anymore, and she hid this from me for a couple months prior to our split. This was prior to her birthday, prior to a vacation, prior to numerous movies and dinners, so essentially for a summer she used me for companionship and a income while she hid her true feelings from me. She claims to never have physically cheated on me but whatever, she lied to me for months and I was miles away from the two of them so I don't really believe her. This girl and I were best friends, and did everything together, all the time. We literally boxed ourselves up in a room for a year content with each other. I did everything for this girl, even helped her 'defeat' an eating disorder, which later on I found out she lied to me about stopping as well, so that's a moot point. I can truthfully say I never lied to her, ever, and never swayed in my feelings.Regardless its been a few months and only recently have I started to talk to her at all again. We both participate in the same student organizations so I see her once a week if not more, and for a while I completely ignored her. What bothers me about this is throughout our relationship we were always going on about how great we were together and how we really loved each other, and then this happens. Originally I didn't plan on being friendly to her, and I wasn't, but the truth is for the last couple months even though she did this to me I still had strong feelings for her. Only recently do I feel that I've kinda moved on (I no longer think about her ALL the time), and now the few times I reach out to be friendly or see if she wants to hang out or grab a meal she is always too busy or blows me off. A little more history, once we split, which was in august or so, (and I know this was incredibly dumb) a few weeks later I came back and essentially told her I missed her and forgave her and if she wanted to go on a date or something I was ok. It was dumb of me, but I was lonely, (this was my first relationship) and, this also sucks, she is beautiful. She said no, and we kind of went a while without speaking or anything. She claimed to still want to be friends, but now I'm thinking that I'm an idiot for believing that too.It's odd because now she has fell in with this new group of people who I know are completely different than who she was a year ago. She drinks and smokes, and parties and whatnot and just a semester before we were more than happy watching movies or tv on the weekends. We would joke about these same new 'friends' of hers and how they were idiots. She has really changed.What bothers me is this; even though alllll this is happened I still continue to want to talk with her or see her or something. I can truthfully say I don't miss her like I used to, but I am incredibly lonely and miss the friendship that I had. I feel like all this would disappear once I meet another girl, but every girl I meet I immediately compare to my ex and our relationship and find some flaw or something which makes me uninterested. I feel like my ex was a great match for me, but once again that was my first relationship so I woulda jumped on anyone who showed some interest in me. I feel wronged, and am hurt, and I just want to be happy. I want her to feel bad for what she did or atleast show some remorse, but I know that's the wrong way of thinking.I want to meet someone whom I can be with and someone to love, because I really am a good guy, and I know this. I'm a handsome guy, very cut and in shape, but I am kind of shy and nervous after this entire ordeal and don't really know how or what I am supposed to do to really get on with the next portion of my life.Am I not giving it enough time? I feel like I am ready for a relationship but am missing a woman, and thus, feel like shit. I haven't kissed or had sex with anyone since we split (i don't do the random 'hookup' stuff) and throughout our relationship I was always very sexual so I really feel like that is a major aspect to why I still have any sort of feeling for her. Typing this out felt good, and if anyone bothered to read this please throw me some suggestions or advice, I'll take anything right now.
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on me, fell in love, move on, my ex, shy, smokes, want to be happy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SinVA +, writes (4 December 2008):
SinVA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I really hope that happens soon! I saw her today at our student org stuff and asked her to help me with something and she snapped at me and said she was leaving...
I don't know why she is acting like this but it makes me feel like shit, I need to get over her and i need to stop wanting to talk/speak to her because she really has changed.
Thanks again
A
female
reader, Anne-Marie x  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 i know how you feel so i can promise you it will get better.
you seem to have had truely loved her but she obviously doesnt love you.
when you are ready to move on completely you will, and at some point you will find someone who you love and who loves you in return.
that relationship will last and you will look back on this and be thankful that it ended.
xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, SinVA +, writes (4 December 2008):
SinVA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, I know I need to forget about her and get on with my life. I'm getting more and more involved in other things, and that really helps keep my mind off this. Like I said, avoiding her is impossible since we are in the same student organization but I will make myself limit contact. Thanks again for the advice and morale, makes me feel better to know I have people on my side
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 This isnt what you want to hear but you need to be on your own! The worst thing you can do is find another relationship or worse, get back with your ex! Until you truly feel that your not lonely and happy being alone then just spend some time alone, see your friends and family and just get used to yourself again!
It sounds like you and your ex had a pretty intense relationship if you were holed up in a room together for a year, you are bound to be lonely because you have lost your best friend but like you said, you have stopped thinking about her quite so much so give it some more time and you wont miss her at all!
I have made the mistake in the past (many times!) of trying to replace one relationship with another and now I am stuck in a cycle of bouncing from one relationship to another trying to find something that is a good as my relationship with my first real "love". But let me tell you this, nothing will come close to your ex so stop trying to replace her!
Accept that you loved her, that you had an amazing relationship and let yourself grieve for what you have lost. If you bury those feelings and try and have a new relationship they will only come back to haunt you and cause problems in the future. You might end up hurting a new partner and that just isnt fair.
I know this is a cliche but learn to be on your own and be happy with that, and then someone amazing will come along because they will be attracted to how happy and comfortable with yourself! Keep strong, give it time and try and stay away from your ex!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Dear friend. You seems to be a very good and true guy by your heart. You loved her truly but she ditched you. She did not loved you truly. Becoz true love is unconditional and if u love someone u can't jump over to someone else. Love is not a costume that u can change.
You have done nothing wrong. Just respect yourself and she does not deserves you thats why God seperated her from u.
I know it wll be difficult for u to forget her becoz u were physically as well as mentally attached to her.
Give urself sometime. Indulge urself in good activities. Love is not a thing u can find, it wll come to ur way on its on at right time. When time wll come some ggod girl wll come to u. Don't compare that gal with your ex.Just see the new gal as a person who wll never leave you.Your ex left u in pain. In my eyes she ia a bad gal.
Be happy. believe in yourself. Stay away from casual sex. Reserve it for someone who wll be with u forever
...............................
|
