A
male
age
36-40,
*otchip
writes:I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a pickle. Apologies for the length of this post, it was only supposed to be two short paragraphs!My girlfriend and I broke up at the end of July this year after a year and eight months together. We're both at uni and share the same group of friends and live pretty close together. We broke up for many 'small' reasons, we were both to blame for some but unfortunately the majority were down to me. Unintentionally and obliviously I hadn't fully gotten over the cheating in my previous relationship and coupled with the perhaps more ‘experienced’ history of my ex it always pushed itself into this new relationship. Not necessarily in the traditional bad sense you'd imagine, we always laughed about it and it was never a serious problem but it was always there. Anyway as we got more comfortable with one another that and other issues from her that were small on their own but together were a problem creeped in, as they do after that 'honeymoon period'. We had two serious discussions about it, at Christmas last year and Easter this year and I guess I took the brunt of those, they went along the lines of we don’t want what we have to deteriorate because of my past so I need to move on from it and trust her. Which I did (trust her), I guess that once your trust has been broken before like that it takes a lot longer than I thought for it to heal fully. Unfortunately I stupidly didn’t take these chances/opportunities to sort myself out and she decided to end it. Since then I’ve had a tough time of it at uni this semester. It came as a bit of a shock to be dumped back into a social scene with her (re. above: we both share the same friends) after a month and a half of summer apart and to not be with her. We slept together early in October, nothing really happened after that then I went through a bad patch and ended up pushing her away. We reconciled three or four weeks after, getting along great, a week or two ago we slept together again and since then there’s just been the occasional contact between us. I know everyone says this but we do still get along great, though we have our differences about the obvious things (breaking up etc), even after four weeks of not seeing one another we just click and get on great. She had told me she didn’t care about me or love me when we got back to uni, but knowing her I didn’t really take this as the entire truth and around the same time we first slept together again her housemate drunkenly let slip that she’d said she still cared for me, loved me and wasn’t sure she’d made the correct decision. The second time we slept together she told me she loved me, but I’ve left that down to one of ‘those’ moments.As for now, I’m at a bit of a loss. She consistently says she cares about me but for the moment she doesn’t want a relationship. It wasn’t a bad breakup, it was genuinely just because of my attitude toward jealousy that she needed a break from it all which I respect and can only have myself to blame. It’s just one of those things where I should’ve done something about it a little earlier rather than it being losing her that kicked me up the backside. We talk nearly every day, we both still share silly, ‘naughty’, occasionally disgusting (you know the kind) and random conversations so there’s no bad blood, she claims to still care and suggests she loves me but won’t say it directly. What’s confusing is it’s not just me who acts as if I want it back, she does it but doesn’t tell me – for example, admittedly I do take the odd peak at Facebook to see what she’s up to but she’s also logged into mine (I study computer science so I notice things like that) to have a nosey around (I genuinely don’t mind, I’ve always shared things like that with her).I know she doesn’t want a relationship right now and though I know everyone will suggest moving on I’d gladly wait until she does if that day ever comes. I’d prefer to move on but I just can’t, it’s not really plausible to go no contact and cut her out completely, other than by cutting out my friends (and that’s what it’s been the majority of these last two months) I can’t really avoid seeing or talking to her at least once a week. I’m just at this stage where I know what I should do - not talk to her, just let her get on with it and get on with my life and perhaps she’ll miss me and change her mind perhaps she won’t - but I just can’t manage to do it. I guess it comes back down to a slight hint of jealousy, I just don’t want her to be with someone else sexually and that’s what pushes me to talk to her, because I’m scared not talking will allow her to forget me. It’s over, we’re over and I need to move on but I just can’t, mentally I can’t get past this stage and just in day to day life after the Christmas break I am more than likely to see her which just feeds my feelings for her even more. She’s said to me (and I agree, it’s been great when we haven’t seen one another for three or four weeks) that if we didn’t speak maybe she’d change her mind and miss it all. I agree with it but I genuinely can’t think of more than perhaps a week where her and I haven’t spoken since the day we met, even during this breakup and the time we’ve not seen each other; one of us just ends up making contact somehow.I’m not really sure what my question is, this post is far longer than I anticipated as well. I guess I just need some help in not letting it all get to me, I do but I don’t want to get over her, I don’t want to talk to her but I just feel compelled to and to reply to her when she contacts me and I just end up anxious and frustrated not knowing whether she’s been, or will be over the Christmas break, with anyone else. I’ve just spent the last three months frustrated at myself for losing her over something I could easily have prevented and now that I have managed to control that that there isn’t much I can do about it. I know from conversations, her actions and her passes at me that she still wants me (her words not mine), she just doesn’t want what our relationship had become and I guess that’s what makes this so difficult for me. Thanks for reading, I guess it just helps to write even if no-one replies.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, hotchip +, writes (9 December 2008):
hotchip is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm gonna have to be brutally honest with myself here, as much as it hurts. I've had a bit to drink so I apoligise in advance for any grammar mistakes or things that me look an idiot.
I've had an incredibly difficult evening. My housemates band were playing playing in a pub and my ex girlfriend and I were in attendance, we both went to the same club afterwards as well. She appears to have taken up smoking now and came inside the club chatting to some random lad - being drunk this got to me. I managed to forget and ignore it but she spent the evening dancing next to and chatting to her housemates friend which DID get to me. I spoke to her a little but her housemate ended up telling me she no longer loved me, that although she missed me she wanted to forget me. I get it, ad I get that in trying to talk to her, in being bothered about her and other guys talking that I am just following the same role I did that caused us to split up and the same role that will inevitably make her resent me. I'm not stupid enough to think I am in anyway going about this correctly but I guess my only excuse is that it's human nature, especially 'under the influence' to react how I did. As my initial question says I understand and know what I'm doing, I know what and when I am doing things wrong but I can't control my reactions.
I don't really know if anyone will respond to this but I really am struggling big time, no contact is really not an option as I am highly likely to see her again - in the same situation - in two days time. I guess I just wish she'd show a little respect and treat and talk to me how I would her, though having pushed her away and upset her I can't really blame her. This is more of an outlet of my frustration, anger and pain than a cry for help. Thank you if anyone read this.
A
male
reader, hotchip +, writes (5 December 2008):
hotchip is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to read and reply.I agree 100% that knowing you've made the mistake makes it that much harder, especially when there were chances to prevent it. I admire you for being able to move on and allow yourself to be with other people, whether you're over your ex or not. Deep down I know that it might temporarily make it easier for me if I were to meet other women but I think right now I'd feel as if I were betraying myself if I did.The once a week thing sounds like a less painful way to deal with it all. Admittedly I think she is finding it easier not to talk than I am, I'm unsure whether that is just strength in character and doing what needs to be done or genuinely moving on - I guess time will tell. With Christmas coming up I have very little choice either way, we both live very far away from one another, seperated by sea infact, and with final year exams starting in January I have to concentrate more on revision.We share the same ideology with regards to breaking up. Though it is the last thing I want (breaking up), I guess that if we were meant to be then as you say fate will cross our paths again. I hope so.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Unfortunately there is no one answer for you, time will help a bit but if you really love her and feel that you made a mistake then that is something you will probably take with you for the rest of your life.
I am in a similar situation with my ex, only we split up 3 years ago! We are still in contact, cant seem to go for very long without contacting each other and we are still going round in circles saying we love each other but cant be together etc.
I still cant get over him even though its been so long and I live with someone else (who has no idea about my ex). I wish I could find a way to move on but I still love him and it was me that made the mistake in leaving him. I think thats the problem, when you know it was your fault it makes it so much harder to move on.
I once heard some good advice that has worked in a way for me, I was told that if you both still care about each other but want to move on whilst still being in touch, then limit your contact to once a week. Make it an email, agree a day when you will email with a little update on your week etc. That way you are still in each other's lives but you are not responding to late night texts etc, and it is more controlled. So it might help, give it a try it cant do any harm!
I wish you all the best, I like to believe that even if you have split up that one day fate might bring you back together if it was meant to be.
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