A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been chatting with a girl for over a year. Lately she has been getting very sexual in her comments, even saying we should meet for sex. I am not necessarily the type to want to meet a woman for sex (only) so I laugh her comments off. Tonight I told her I wished she would finally get laid as she has been hoping for and she said that she actually was. We chat about every other day so that means it happened maybe a day after we last spoke. She said it was good but she wants it more regularly than what that guy can provide.As a guy potentially interested in her it makes me wanna throw up in my mouth a little. I am very hurt and upset by it. She continues to flirt with me as if nothing has changed, but I am not sure I can continue on the path we were on. I never viewed her as so - for lack of a better word - slutty.My gut says to just cut ties with her. I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that any woman who was really interested in me would wait. Is that true or could I not expect her to wait forever?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 March 2015):
 Neither of you were that interested in the other.
If i met someone online who was a mere 4 hours away we would have met long before a year was up.
she was giving you major "get over here and have sex with me" clues without actually saying it.
Let this one go,
use it to learn a lesson
be more proactive in the future.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 Duh, no, you could not expect her to wait for you indefinitely.
Women have needs too- sexual, emotional, social.... a pne year I-net chitchat does not sound to me like it can fulfill any of that . If any, it's surprising that she has been waiting for so long in lack of any move, any initiative from you !
You did not need to meet her just for sex !, but if in one year you haven't found the way to met her in person ONCE- frankly I am surprised she is even interested in just talking to you, you must be a fascinating conversationalist !
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 I guess she divides men into two types, just like certain types of men who sleep with "sluts", toss them like trash and then get married to a woman arranged by their parents. There is a strong divide between casual and husband/wife material. Then when she's ready for a relationship she wants to do the right thing. I guess she does have potential interest in you but doesn't understand that her honest actions put you off. Women should be free as men to scratch an itch but it is wise to be celibate for a while before dating. Doing it back to back leaves a sour taste in one's mouth. She's hinting she wants a relationship with you then when you didn't take her hint she assumes you are not interested then indirectly hinted FWB with you. It sounded to you like your purpose is just to fill the gap, the loneliness. You don't have to take it personally. I am not against women who exercise free will to have casual sex but she sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. You have your reservations with her and rightly so. You just talked about her dating life excluding you and although not really a slut, nothing you say about her makes her a great catch.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): Get over her. If its taking so long for you to be with her it probably will never happen. Your gut is telling you that there is something very wrong in how she behaves. She probably has a line of guys she does what she does to you. Cut your ties and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2015):
 You haven't even MET her?
So how do you get this sense of "ownership" ?
I'[m sorry you MOVE at a snail's pace and get upset when she decides OK I'll go have me some fun (which by the way doesn't MAKE her a slut) so she had a fling with a guy. Why not? You two were JUST talking, not dating, NOT exclusive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): Thanks Tisha. OP again. The three month rule sounds reasonable. One reason we never met is that she is a nurse so she works odd (and long) hours and her off-days are work days for me. However, you are correct that we probably could have figured it out if we wanted to.I want to make it clear that we had not been chatting so much until recently even though it has been a year since we first did. In fact, when we first met she was on a dating website and even went on a few dates with guys that went nowhere which she told me all about. So in that way we were just friends. It was only since the New Year that we talked so long and often and more seriously.When she started talking about having sex with me is when I realized that maybe she really liked me as more than a friend because of her stated sentiments of not wanting sex without a relationship. So that got me to thinking about meeting her and about my feelings for her because I would not want to take advantage of her. If I met her and we did have sex I would want it to be because we were starting a "real" relationship not for the sake of sex.I assumed her talking about sex with me (which just started a week or two ago) was either her joking, her blowing off some steam in a safe way with a friend she knew was safe, or her expressing desire for us to be closer - or all of the above. I was interested in finding out and then she went off and slept with a guy against her own stated morals. I am not sure what that means but right now my inclination is indeed to cut ties.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2015):
 And if the reason you haven't met her in over a year is because you have social anxiety or something like that then deal with the underlying issue. There is help out there but you do have to take action to get it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2015):
You haven't met her after a year? You weren't serious about her and she wasn't serious about you, sorry to report the obvious, but if you are within a 4 hour drive you could have met halfway just to meet in person.
If you feel she's 'slutty' then this relationship is over and you would be doing her and yourself a favor and end the conversations.
What is keeping you from meeting someone who lives closer to you? If you are looking for romantic relationships online then set a deadline for meeting them. Three months sounds reasonable. If you haven't each made the effort in three months to meet up in person then all you have is internet chitchat.
Write this relationship off and start looking closer to home.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): I am the person who asked the original question and of course I did not expect her to wait forever. What seems slutty to me and also a little hurtful is not that she saw another guy. What I dislike is that this other guy means nothing to her and she doesn't expect to continue sleeping with him. She said so herself. So why do it? It makes me question a lot about her because she's been telling me this whole time how she wants to have sex only in the context of a loving relationship and she is tired of men just wanting sex. That is why when recently she started getting sexual in her comments I laughed it off. I sort of assumed she was joking around. That is why when she brought it up again I told her (in a joking way) that she needs to get laid. I didn't want to be the sort of guy she has been bashing for over a year and then she turned around and slept with one exactly like that. I thought sex had some meaning to her, but it makes me think that if I had agreed to meet for sex then perhaps I would have been the one to simply scratch an itch. That disappoints me and I can't believe she was so matter-of-fact about doing it. BTW, I have never met her but we do go on cam sometimes when we chat. She lives about 4 hours away from me.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 March 2015):
 Trust you gut. Internet sex talk is dumb and dumber. you'd do better with phone sex.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 March 2015):
You need to stop playing the waiting game and take whatever you think this is to the next level. If course she was with someone else, because she'd be an old lady before you'd make a move!
Just ask her on a date, and take things from there. You don't have to rush into sex but as it is now you have no form of a relationship whatsoever. It's time to make a move.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 March 2015):
 You don't have game and were friendzoned by her. She WAS interested in you and you blew it. Not only that, but you TOLD her you wish she'd finally get laid??? If you're interested in her, why the hell did you laugh off her comment about wanting something sexual with her??
You SHOULD have said "I am interested in you as more than a friend. Do you want to go out with me sometime?" Seriously, a year of talking and you couldn't bring yourself to ask her out properly??
You just out-thought yourself out of a relationship with her. No wonder she slept with someone else. You dropped the ball, buried it, and left a gravestone. She's not slutty. You blew it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2015):
How is she SLUTTY?
My guess is she SEES you as a friend. 12 months and NOT a move? NO WONDER she moved on to another guy.
I mean what did you expect? For her to sit by the phone till you got your courage up to ask her out? To date her? To kiss her?
She is not made of ice. She has needs too. While you might be TOTALLY OK with a 12+ months of talking before you make a move, but she OBVIOUSLY isn't.
NO you can NOT expect a woman to WAIT forever for you to decide if she is jut "potentially" a partner or not.
WHAT should she wait for? For you to make your move? 12 months? You female friend is wrong.
Now of you two were DATING, going out, making out and you just wanted to wait with sex till you BOTH were sure, then it's FINE - but according to your post all you did was chat and flirt.
Now if you can't handle that she decided you weren't interested in her so she moved on, but STILL regard you as a friend.. then tell her and cut her off.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 March 2015):
 Did the female friend who said any woman who was interested would wait give any indication how long she expected somebody to actually wait for you to make a move ...... its already been 12 months, maybe she should have waited another 12 months, or maybe five years for you act instead of talking.
You say you are a little hurt and upset, so what are you planning to do about it?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2015):
 Any man who was genuiny interested also wouldnt wait a year to make a move. Sorry dude, but if you were only potentially interessted, you cant expect a woman to wait for you. Im surprised this one even bothered to wait a year, but when you go ahead and tell her you hope she gets laid... What do you really expect? I have to laugh, you werent interested at all,.but now youre moping because yoi thought you could leave her hamging and she moved on.
Next time, if interested, make a bloody move.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2015):
You've been "chatting" for over a year; have you ever actually met her or gone out on a date with her? Are you dating? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend or she just an online chat-friend?
If you aren't the type to meet a woman for sex only, why not tell her that, rather than laugh her comments off?
You say you are "potentially interested in her" so why has it been over a year, haven't you figured out whether it's worth meeting up or not?
Would you wait for a woman forever, if it seemed she wasn't serious and never went beyond "potentially interested" in you? I wouldn't.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (22 March 2015):
Honestly OP, if you have been chatting for a year and you laugh off her comments about sex, I think she probably thinks you are not very interested in her. Especially after you told her you hopes she gets laid soon. I'd assume it was just a flirty friendship between us if a man said that to me. I certainly wouldn't think he was interested. Do you go out on dates together? Have you discussed what type of relationship you have? And what you both want for that matter? Maybe she is looking for a FWB type thing?Maybe it's just the way you have worded it, but it sounds like you have just been casually talking to this woman for a year, yet you are expecting exclusivity from her. I think most women would be willing to wait to have sex with someone if he wasn't ready yet, but it doesn't sound like you've asked her to do that or expressed any desire to be in a relationship with her. Regardless of what you decide to do with this particular woman, hopefully you will now learn that if you want someone, you need to make your intentions clear. Otherwise they will assume you are not interested and look elsewhere.
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