| A
female
,
*nvjanet
writes: I'm currently in love with a Marine who has many challenges in his life. He is still a reservist so we don't see each other much. He does devote every Sunday to see me. However, he is going through a lot of emotional challenges with his family and financial challenges. A lot of the times he distances himself from me when he gets depressed. He gets most depressed around holidays or special occasions and then he ends up isolating himself from me. I feel like I rarely get to share an important moment in his life because of his depression and I sometimes feel like my feelings are unreciprocated. What should I do? I want to help him but I don't know how.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): I have a similar problem.
The situation has broken my heart. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years, mainly seeing each other weekends. He will not admit that he has become depressed within the last 2 years, but he has lost motivation, he is unreliable, irritable, distant, finds it hard to sleep and gets stressed/pressurized very easy which has become worse in the last year.
We have argued as I cant help but feel neglected, let down and unloved. Sometimes he does not see me when we have made arrangements or does not contact me for days or even weeks, especially recently. I cant help feel that he doesn't care or appreciate me, although I know he does and he always tells me he loves and misses me.
I love him to bits but its tearing us apart, i have my problems and desires as well but for such along time i feel they have been put aside.
He went to the doctors but they did not seem to suggest anything and he will only go alone.
I do not want to give up on us, I have stopped contacting him and making arrangements, and basically getting on with my own life, but it hurts so much that we are not together and worry that we will drift apart.
A
female
reader, Mapping +, writes (2 December 2005):
I'm having a similar problem with a man in the military. It's difficult and painful, but give him the space that he needs. I'm in the process of doing this myself and hopefully it will work. How did your situation turn out?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): When people are down they always withdraw.
...............................
A
reader, pops +, writes (12 November 2005):
Suggest he see a counselor, on base, or off. He needs professional help, and you can't do that for him. Sorry, but you need to stand on the sidelines, or move on. It is up to him to fix his problems. Don't make them yours, no matter how much you feel for him. Many are drawn to help the wounded ducks in our lives, but often they need professional help.
...............................
A
female
reader, BelieveInLove555 +, writes (12 November 2005):
I'm sorry you have to go through this. There's really not too much you can do. Suggesting he seeks help will probably only make him mad at you because that's a decision he needs to come on his own. He's got to want to seek the help. I bet you're being super supportive, not nagging him, and definately not telling him what's bugging you because you don't want to add to his problems. When you do that you're taking him for granting. You're saying that he can't handle living life as an adult and you're protecting him. You have to take care of yourself first. Let him know that his depression is bringing you down and you can no longer live this way, Men go into the woods alone to solve their problems, they need that. They don't talk about their problems like women do. So when you deny yourself your voice you're not taking care of yourself. Tell him what's bothering you and then let him go off alone for a while to process it. And I don't mean go into the bedroom with the door shut for a few hours. I mean tell him that you'er going to give him his space and time to deal with his issues. Reassure him that you're not going anywhere but you feel like he needs time on his own. He'll appreciate it. He probably already wanted that but was afraid you may take it the wrong way. It'll be tough and you'll cry but remember that he's still yours and when he comes out of it things will be much better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Forthright +, writes (12 November 2005):
You are helping him already by just being there, and it sounds like he is doing the best that he can right now to give you some of his time and affection. He probably needs some time out to think and be alone when he's feeling depressed, try not to take it personally and stay patient, give him time/space. Use the time for yourself so you do not feel neglected.
If the issues he has are of a temporary nature which he can work through, then concentrate on laying solid foundations for the relationship. The kind of intimacy which will help him not to isolate you during these down times need time to develop. Let him know that you sometimes feel your feelings are unreciprocated and that you would appreciate reassurance and the occasional gesture from him. If you explain this without appearing to blame him then he should respond to this request positively.
Hope this helps.
...............................
|
