A
female
age
,
*har
writes:My husband has been texting a female co-worker at work. Sometimes a multiple of 30 times a day.She is a lot younger than he is. I found out.He swears nothing is going on.Do I believe him, or am I being stupid to think that nothing is going on??HELP!!!!
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male
reader, jj. +, writes (27 July 2009):
wake up he is doing something and you need to kick him in the ass and let him go..when i text my girl i dont even text her that much..when you text your coworker that much ,yes something is going on..realize its time to either move on or except and he will do it in your face for awhile..up to you..either way..tell him to hit the road or stop texting his coworker and if he doesnt let him know its over and he can go..or he will stop and thats it...you will have your marriage once again .your turn..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): I’m sorry you still feel empty and uneasy. I agree that we can only give you advice on the assumption of our own reality to the problem, but what I’ve found in life being on the receiving end of deceit is that there is you and only you standing in your way of happiness. I know it’s blunt and that there are a lot of buts, but you steer the ship as to speak. You are the captain of the ship, the one in charge.
He will not change and he seems to see nothing wrong with what he is doing and the more you cling the deeper and darker the black hole.
You need to decide if you want to carry on feeling like you are dangling off the cliff waiting for him to pull you up or you can pull yourself up. As I have said he clearly feels he is doing nothing wrong so give him the benefit of the doubt and start taking care of yourself. Do things you have not done for a long while, like go out with your friends. Do kick boxing or whatever recreation you enjoy. If he wants to be with you he’ll take an interest in what you are doing and will probably ask to join you on a few occasions.
Stop wasting your time wishing he will change. Show him you don’t need him to make you feel happy.
Your choice......Hang on the cliff and hope he pulls you up or pull yourself up and start enjoying life, which is short as it is.
The choice is yours.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 I think you are in pretty big trouble, he has probably already crossed the line. In this case you are justified in checking his phone messages and if he has locked it confront him without accusation but tell him that looking at the messages would put you mind at rest. If he won't agree to this then you know what he is doing.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 You can't trust him! I would not believe a word either of them say! Do what's best for you and get out of the relationship before he makes you look more of a fool! X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): Shar, strangers can only assume based on their limited experiences in their lives. Ultimately, if you have a problem with your relationship due to mistrust, then the more optimal approach on your end would be to give him an ultimatum to leave his job or to leave him, based on the way you have expressed yourself.
However, know that he withheld information from you could possibly be due to the way he perceives you. He may indeed be having a warm and comfortable friendship with this woman, but knows you react negatively. Therefore, hides his interaction with this other woman. On the other hand, it is possible they are having an affair of sorts and is hiding that from you. Strangers don't know what is really happening. Since you don't know for sure, but you also mistrust him, then a) give him an ultimatum to leave his job or B) leave him.
I would like to give you some further perspective from my own experience. I have a closer female friend that I've known for years now and have spent hours with her alone at her house or spent hours on the phone with her. She is a fun person, as well as a thoughtful person. However, we are friends. We talk about everything, share our worries and our thoughts about our other relationships. We even talk about her husband-to-be and she often asks me for advice on various aspects. It has gotten to a point where she is very comfortable with me and even tries to give me a tickle fest, knowing I won't touch her back. [sigh]
Of course, from an outside point of view, we look like lovers. Fortunately, my past lovers and current lover are not suspicious people. However, I am not saying your husband isn't 'cheating', but there is always a possibility he really isn't and it's all inside your mind.
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A
female
reader, shar +, writes (30 June 2009):
shar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am giving an update on my husband texting a female co-worker. He actually made me talk to her on the phone, and she said, just like he did, that nothing is going on. They both told me they would stop texting, and as far as I know they have.....However, they work together, they could e-mail instead of texting. How am I suppose to believe him???
He works with her. I work day shift and he works second shift. I don't know what time he leaves, and if I ask, he gets mad. Well, he gets mad when I ask any questions.
Again, how do I stay married to a man I don't know if I can trust or believe.
Oh, by the way, I found out, that in the past, he bought a gift for a girl at work for Christmas. (He didn't tell me)
And around Valentines Day, he bought a girl at work flowers. (He didn't tell me)
Again, how do I believe anything he says?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): If nothing is truly going on, ask your husband to invite her over for dinner. If there is something, he will not want to do this. Either way you win. If she comes over, you can observe them together and point out to your husband (after she leaves) in what ways they interacted inappropriately...sometimes guys really don't understand this!
I did this with a boyfriend and he dropped the girl afterwards because he then realized that she had no intentions of befriending me and was persuing him in a romantic way.
You may think this is an awkward thing, but it worked for me very well, and he never befriended another woman after that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Nothing is going on from his perspective might mean no sex is involved, but spending that much time texting indicates at least some emotional attraction.
I had the same experience with my husband, eventually I found out that they were that close to take it to the next level, keep watching and try to separate them, know the woman or meet her if you can, but by any means don't ignore this. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): yep, something is going on. do your homework,YOURSELF and find out what. oh, and also put an immediate stop to this or else it may be too late. give him an alternative you or her?
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A
male
reader, unclezak +, writes (28 May 2009):
I've done this previously with a couple of female friends and my wife didnt have an issue and tere rea;;y was nothing going on- just good friends. Butt then I'd share some of what was going on as it was at times amusing.
Having said all that, my intial feeling was that there is indeed something going on. Depends how he's handling it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Trust your intuition. You are suspicious for a reason. If he swears nothing’s going on then there should be no problem for him to stop texting her. What are they texting about 30-40 times a day? Tell him you are uncomfortable with him texting her so many times a day. Tell him you feel your relationship is in trouble because he is texting another women. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a friend that’s the opposite sex, but if the partner feels threatened then the other partner should listen and stop making their partner feeling uncomfortable. Have you asked him how he feels about this co-worker?
What starts innocent does not always stay that way. If I were you, I would communicate my fears and let him know I am worried. Let us know what happens.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 I would believe him that nothing is going on IF he is not replying to her text messages.... he's replying to them so there is definitely something going on!
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A
male
reader, jj. +, writes (28 May 2009):
read between the lines..then go get counseling and or talk to your clergyman ..find out if your husband is playing the field of one..if so then you find out its not anything ..then move on at least you will find out its nothing ..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): im sorry to say this but 30-40 txt per day,is something that only lovers do as me and my boyfriend do it flirty txt mssgs,he is cheating
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Maybe nothing is going on YET, but there will be! Sorry, but I don't think adults text eachother that often unless they are romantically envolved...or want to be!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (27 May 2009):
Sorry to be blunt but there is something going on here! My guess is he's having an affair! Don't believe a word that he says! X
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