A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Hi again, I put the following post on last night but the site seemed to be faulty and it didn't appear for hours. I have had one reply but am wondering if due to the fault it wasn't read by many other people. In case you could offer me help and advice, I hope nobody minds if I post it again. Thanks xHELLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!You may remember posts I have made regarding my husband's 'texting affair' and the 'kind' gesture of his 'lady' friend when I confronted her, telling me he had done it before. I also discovered that he lied for 8 years about a Tiffany heart necklace he bought for this previous woman referred to.Well, all this has been going on for nearly 2 years all told and it's as raw as ever and infact getting worse. I have been told other snippets from people who noticed their closeness and instead of it fading it's becoming more and more incriminating.I had lots of great advice and support from many of you on here and although I am full of good intentions when I read it, I CAN'T LET IT GO and let them get away with it (she's got away scot free as I didn't have the guts to contact her husband as mine said I might regret it).My problem is that my husband's mum died on new year's eve and I tried to promise myself that I wouldn't hound him with my questioning about these 'affairs' while he was mourning. The funeral is Monday and I've been unable to keep this promise.He has just gone up to bed distraught because I brought it up this evening again quizzing him as to why he threatened I would regret it if I phoned her husband and saying it's Valentine's soon and who was he buying a heart necklace for this year.Do you think I'm unbelievably cruel doing this while he's grieving for his mum? Well I'm grieving for the marriage he destroyed.As you probably know if you followed my posts, we love each other to bits but I know I can never come to terms or forgive let alone forget. He says I've blown everything out of proportion, but then he would wouldn't he?He swears he has only ever loved me and made a stupid mistake, hmmmm just the ONE?I have been advised by many of you to put a line under it and move on but I can't even shut up while he is in mourning. I think you will all advise me that it really is the end and we should split up. I am beginning to think this is the only answer after nearly 2 years of trying to mend our marriage.Thanks for reading xView related questions: affair, move on, split up.
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female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (18 January 2010):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you friends for taking the time to reply yet again x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): hey scrambled. its me, how are you . don't answer i think i already know how you are doing.you may remember me from our many many posts last year and even recently when i asked if the anon post was SB.well i think you know my thoughts on your cheating husband. i have told you in all my reponses. my darling. i don't care whether the pope died and you still wanted answers. in fact you are entitled to it. i told you as time went on you would discover so much more of hubbys infidelity. my girl, take a deep breath, remember all those advise i gave you about being financially sound, well please do not discard it. remember it, use it and know WHEN you call it quits you have some MORE money. after all you are the long suffering wife to the "innocent" husband. all i know if your hb did to me what he did to you i would slowly go insane. i have read the year long posts here about his affairs (although you want to belive it was not sexual i think it was, remember the blowjob work situation) . babes, your hb i delibertaley driving you insane. and you know it. the aunts here who have been following know it. only you can change. he is not going to. he will not admit all his indescretions and he will shift the blame on you. has he been physically hurting you (again) recently whenever you question him about his affairs. this man has abused you mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. i do not deny, he des have feeling s for you. after all you are the mother of his kids and well you run a good home. while you were playing good wife at home, he has been running around with the younger gals in the office. you know what you are dealing with and I pray that soon you will uster the courage to end your abusive marriage. abuse comes in all forms and the last form of abuse your hb has meted out to you : mental abuse. his affairs are driving you crazy. if you stay with him you lknow the end result.so don't even feel upset that you questioned him days after his mother died. after all life goes on. and he will hide and cheat and cover up all his indescretions just as he had over the last 2 years. slowly you are discovering just what a professionaal liar and cheater he is. only time before his sordid past catches up, i hope you are documenting these for the divorce attorney. what is he so distruaght about ; the mother passing away or you questioning his infedility. do not be fooled. he has fooled you for over 30 YEARS. you cannot trust anything that comes out of his mouth. a normal person when faced with bereavement would want to hold on to the people dear to them, will want to make amends for hurting those close to them but NOT YOUR hb. please do not trust him. you know you cannot.lastly i know you want to hide this imperfect marriage from all. you want to keep up appreances, you want to hide his affairs but there comes a time when you must say : fuck the neighbours, the high society and the family. here is it snow a survival game and please choose to survive before it consumes you. V day is around the corner, watch him carefully. the cheat will want to surprise one of his special ladies with a gift. of course he will buy something for you but be aware of him.........this leapord will never change. i know i sound like a broken record but your HB is suxh a smooth manipulator and a liar.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Hi,
I read over this post and the others, and thought about it while traveling all day. I know you're going through this SB (rather than spell out your screen name -- which isn't true).
You wrote: "I CAN'T LET IT GO" in caps. And I know what's going on inside and you're hurting terribly over this.
Let me make a suggestion. I know its hard to do, but I think you really need to try for your own sake.
You need to start by letting go of all of this pain bottled up inside of you. Its hurting you and feeding itself, and sadly that's why you're going through all of this bitterness and rage.
Fortunately, the one person who can let go of the pain is you and you have to do that.
No matter what decision you make, whether to stay in your marriage or divorce, you can't make any rational decision if you're hurting like this.
You can't plan any future at all.
Even if you knew all the details of this situation, its not going to change the level of pain your suffering right now.
More importantly, say you divorce, then some time down the road you regret it once the pain subsides, then what?
The reason why your husband ran up to bed, was because he's frustrated. He can't give you peace of mind and he wants that for you.
Try letting go of it. Don't let it feed on itself. Its hurting you and if you let it go, let the pain out, then you can start feeling better about yourself and whatever decisions you do make.
Boo22 made some good suggestions as did a few other posters.
One other thing, the suggestion that you go to counseling, maybe you should try that on your own for your own sake, and then do couples counseling with someone else.
You need to be able to vent a lot of this in a private setting away from guarded situations like the internet, and in a way that's meaningful and constructive.
I just hate to read this unfold like this when you've got viable options at your fingertips.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (18 January 2010):
 What if you never do?
How long will you give him to fess up?
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (18 January 2010):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Boo,
What's more important at this moment in time IS finding out the exact details of their 'relationship'. I can then make an informed decision of what to do next.
Thanks
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (17 January 2010):
Hi Scrambled Brain,
I have read quite a few of your posts but not all.
Why do you think he had an affair in the first place? If you've asked him this and i'm assuming you have, what did he say? If you've never had a straight answer, you need to really think about it.
How is he towards you now?
Imagine yourself in 10 years from now if you never discover the whole truth. You won't be together i'd bet. No one will put up with it if you continue like you are.
What's more important to you ultimately,finding out the exact details of everything,or being with your husband?
He probably knows you can't handle the truth of their relationship so carries on the way he does to avoid the fallout.
What do you want the outcome to be?
Lots of people have affairs and rebuild their relationship
There's no reason why you two should be different.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (17 January 2010):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale reader, why do you think I'm horrible hounding him? They were so emotionally attached that she text she would miss him when we were on holiday because she had fallen for him. She also text him from her holiday with her husband saying 'Love you, miss you, can't stop thinking about you'.
I discovered 2 lots of texts over 3 months and the first discovery didn't stop him as I took for granted it would, particularly as we were like young sweethearts all over again. Then after he started showing me his mobile bills to 'prove' they were no longer in contact I found out 8 months later he had bought a secret pay as you go phone.
The deceit has hurt me beyond belief and I have no proof it never became physical although one of her texts on his proper phone did say she felt guilty leading him on as they'd done nothing yet but then they were in contact for another 8 months.
His story was that he HAD to get the secret phone as they had to keep in touch as he was sorting out the business while her boss was off having attempted suicide (this bit was true).
Your advice is good but I don't know how to let it drop. No, I know he's not going to change his story but I need to know the truth and I know I will never know if I've had it.
Also. lying about the Tiffany heart for 8 years and the significance of that is haunting me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): It's raw as ever cause you keep at it!
You need to discipline yourself. It is your emotions only now that you need to deal with. No one can help you with that. If it feels bad, it does. But hey, no one can kiss it better for you. Nothing your husband can say will change what happened.
You say you cannot shut up... what do you want him to say? If you can't shut yourself up, who can? Make a promise to yourself that you will not bring it up again for a given time. Then don't. And keep those promises in your mind. Keep punishments in mind for yourself if you break your promises.
You sound like you are holding on to some anger like a self indulgent child who knows she has been wronged so will go on and on? Think about the best case sceanrio now.. what would you like him to say? What can he say to make it better? You cannot wish away what happened. So either you live with it or without him.
And yes, hounding him about some two year old texting affair is very, very horrible. He has not destroyed the marriage. You are.
I am sorry all this is harsh but I think you need it said.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 January 2010):
I think the problem here is you're trying to get him to talk about what happened, and he's just not opening up about it all. As I see it now, I think you have two options. Either he and you need to both go to counselling, and he has to come clean, or you need to end it.
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