A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm married too...He's nearly 20 years older than me. We've been attracted to each other for months after we met professionally, but I didn't think it was anything more than flirting. I perceived him as someone who had set limits for himself and did not want to cross the line and cheat. Which of course added to my admiration and made it seem "safe" to show him I liked him. So I can't say I've behaved responsibly. I let myself get carried away because it felt so good to feel wanted--well, you know the story.Well, certain things have changed and I now see he is not quite what I thought: I sense he has a serious plan of seduction, only he is taking his time. I've really liked the emotional connection but I don't think I can handle a sexual relationship, and I confess I am disappointed to find he is evidently willing and eager to cheat with me and doesn't seem to have any reservations about it. But of course at the same time I am having a hard time because I am still really attracted to him.Please, everyone, anyone, tell me all the things I already know about men who are willing to be unfaithful. Maybe it will help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): im actually in the same postion, hes 20 years older and its a professional relationship between us. it started as a joke and we even laughed at the idea of an affair cos it sounded so stupid at the time. little did i know he must have had a plan. yep hes married with the kids and i being naive trusted his ideas. How stupid can we be really? i mean do we really want to have someone elses marriage break up hanging over our heads becuase from my side it really isnt worth it! How to get out of it is the problem! there is that side that he keeps saying its more than passion and sex, i dont know if he's telling the truth though.
So i guess my advice is unless you find you have extreme love for this man rather than a sexual connection then dont follow it becuase its just not worth the hassle. All the times i wish i had someone of my own to spend days with instead of the odd couple of hours every 5 days. Its far from idealistic and completely unfair on you. we do deserve to have someone better who thinks only of us. i really hope you can see this before you take things further...not how to get myself out of it.....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Men who cheat are similar to women who cheat and if you let this go any further you would be as bad as him.
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A
female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Hi There,
I think you are right to have reservations and lucky to be having them now, before you cross the line with this man.
It sounds as though your instincts are warning you at the moment and I would advise follwing them, your gut instincts are usually right!
I know it must be hard, but it'll be a lot harder if you enter into a sexual affair with him!
Good luck and be strong! x x x
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (21 May 2008):
 1. You work with him. Not professional behaviour and you may have to see him via work long after the passion has faded (I had a friend in a cringe-worthy situation with a boss in her office who turned out to be married and had her as a bit on the side...she eventually left the job she loved because of the embarrassment).
2. He is married. If he wants to cheat with you then don't feel special...he has probably cheated before, and will again with someone else. You are just entertaining his mid-life crisis being the younger woman.
3. He is holding back and playing with you like a cat with a mouse. While I am not applauding the idea of passionate outbursts in the office you have to realise he is demonstrating enormous power and self control in this situation - being married and a colleague aside, it doesn't sound like he is the nicest person in the world by saving you up for a rainy day fling...manipulative in fact.
4. He is distracting you from what is really wrong here. There is something going bad in your marriage for you to contemplate an affair. Try to sort that out - leave your husband or focus on repairing the problem. An affair will lead to heart-ache all round and unless you detest your husband...why would you do that?
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (21 May 2008):
 You are also married why do you need advise about cheating men because you are a woman thinking of doing it does not make you any different to him! YOU ARE BOTH AS BAD AS EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!
Affairs wreck people's lives, destroy family units and in my opinion not worth the emotional turmoil they create for the poor person who's being cheated on...Read some of the posts on here from those that have been hurt by affairs and then ask yourself if it's worth it!
You are flirting with him, what is he supposed to think? Whether he is capable of cheating on his wife is not the point, you know what you are doing and if you think it's wrong to cheat on your husband stop encouraging this man. Seems simple enough to me!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (21 May 2008):
 To answer your question...
he will take what he wants from you
he will hurt you
he will lie to you
he will let you down
he probably will never leave his wife for you
he may have more than one affair at a time
he will probably be a sefish lover
he AINT worth it x
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Why take it any further than you already have?
You are clearly a little uncomfortable with the way it's going, and it makes no sense to risk damaging both his marriage and yours for no more than a "fling".
If he won't set the limits then it's up to you. You know where friendship and harmless flirting stops and something more serious begins. Draw the line, and don't let him step over it. There's a fair chance that he will "try", because that's what many men do. Our brains are all too often ruled by what's in our trousers! It IS a natural reaction to being close to an attractive woman, and I won't pretend that sometimes it's difficult to resist the instinct to go further, however much we genuinely love our partner or our wife.
It's flattering and pleasant to have a younger woman who is prepared to flirt and who evidently feels something for you. Any man who says it isn't, and any man who says he has never felt like taking it further probably isn't telling the truth. I have most certainly felt like it, although I've never done it (yet! - and yes I know my partner will be reading this and knows exactly who I am on here!).
Enjoy the friendship, the flirting, the emotional connection, but recognise it for what it is and what is ought to be. Then stop it right there, before it becomes anything more than that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hmmmm...this is a bit sad, you have gotten yourself into a bit of a mess haven't you. At least you seem to have some insight into your role in escalating this drama. I'm slightly confused tho - you say you're quite 'anti cheating' but you think it's fine to flirt with and lead on a man other than your hubby. It sounds like you don;t want to go to the next level tho - so you will need to tell your married man that you have no intention of taking things further - and if you're even half sure you want to stay with your husband you should stop all your unfaithful behaviours too. Like the previous person wrote - you need to examine your current relationship and your own motivations for what you've done...if you don't do that soon you risk making an even bigger mess!!What I know about married men who cheat? Their wives don;t deserve to be treated that way!! AND...it usually IS all about feeling "good" for a minute the "easy way".It's not too late to salvage something here...good luck!
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (21 May 2008):
Ok well first off, you said you enjoyed the feeling of being wanted. The fact that you went to someoneelse other then your husband for that feeling either suggests you are very insecure or you are not geting your needs met in your relationship with your husband. Which do you think it is? I think if you were happy within yourself, knownig you are a loveable person and anyone would love to be near you, then you would feel such a need to look out of your relationship for that feeling of being wanted.
I think you need to figure out why you're doing that. Rather then look outside of your COMMITED relationship to your husband to get your needs (the need of being wanted) met, ask yourself what you can do to improve your relationship with your husband to make those needs met?? If it is impossible for whatever reason then you might need to really consider whether or not you want to be in a realtionship where your needs are not met. If you arent happy then there is no point really is there?
If however it comes down to insecurities of yours then you should seek further help with dealing with them, like talking toa counsellor. Looking for more people to make you feel needed and wanted and loved is a dangerous thing. Its not respectful towards your husband.
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (21 May 2008):
He cares only for his own pleasure. He doesn't care if he hurts his wife, and he certainly won't care if and when he hurts you.
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