A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been single for about six months, and am having a really hard time getting over my ex. I'm finally to the point where I'd like to meet and date new guys, but I have some mental blocks to this. Some of them are post-break-up and some of them are older problems I've had for a while, that are even worse now. So here's a list, in no particular order:- I hate it when guys smile at me, because I feel like I have to smile back, just because I'm a girl being smiled at by a guy.- I don't find most guys attractive, so I tend to only smile at/ talk to/ go out with guys who have first expressed an interest in me.- When I'm interested in a guy, I'm afraid that (and this is from past experience) if I express interest in him first, he's assume I'm a whore and be frightened off, spreading a trail of gossip about how I "want his nuts."- Even if a guy talks to me first, I'm afraid to express too much interest, because, again, he'll assume I'm a whore, never want to talk to me again, and let everyone else know that he could sleep with me if he wanted to, but of course he doesn't want to.- If I respond to a smile by looking down or giving him a dirty look, I beat myself up about it, because now he thinks I'm a bitch. -If I respond with a smile, and he doesn't talk to me, I beat myself up about it, because now he thinks I'm a whore.- In general, when I pass people and make eye contact, I smile a little bit, then look down before I can see whether or not they smile back.- If I've talked to a guy before, and he seemed interested, I'll freak out and avoid him every time I see him again afterwards, until things become weird, and we stop acknowledging each other altogether.I'm fairly attractive, but I think that hurts more than helps in my situation.. I'm very obviously ethnic, and live in a rural, mostly-white area. I've lived in other places, and haven't had this problem. I plan on living here for at least two more years, and it would be nice to not be celibate that whole time. I'm not looking for a husband or anything, but it would be nice to meet some guys that I might have stuff in common with, to hang out, etc. And I take classes, volunteer, and have a semi-active social life, so there's plenty of opportunities to meet guys, but I have all these blocks, and end up not meeting them, or scaring them off, or being scared off. So any advice on how I could get over my hang-ups and be friendly with guys, without feeling like a whore? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Thanks for the update, I was frightened you wouldn't respond.
Anyway keep in touch and tell us how it goes. Your gonna be fine, just be brave, take a deep breath and do it. Do whatever you want to do, as long as it's moral and legal. What's the worse that can happen, somebody's gonna make you cry. Well if they do, come back to the board and we'll all cry together - Take care of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks alot. I keep coming back to this and reading it over. I guess it's true, I really do just want to be friends with guys. The self-esteem site is really good. I took the quiz and have been reading articles. It's also very helpful. Thanks so much for your detailed and helpful response!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Ok thanks for outlining everything so clearly. Everything you feeling is natural and right for you. Your not looking to hurt anyone so your not doing anything wrong. There are no right or wrong answers in life, take this opportunity whilst your single to explore different parts of your personality and have fun.
Mental blocks: Work these out, with the help of a counsellor if needs be. This site has a self esteem questionaire to start you off in the right direction.http://www.womensselfesteem.com/self_esteem_information.html
Smiling: No problem don't smile. Or smile only on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Smile at every guy you meet for a week. Then don't do it again.
Attractiveness: So you only talk to guys you fancy. No problem there. Why would you talk to guys you don't like or fancy. But if you want to overcome this follow the advice on smiling.
Whore/Bitch complex
If you speak your a whore, if he speaks your a whore, if you smile your a whore, if you don't smile your a bitch.... Problem with faulty thinking. A whore is somebody who has sex with men for money. A bitch is somebody who deliberate goes out of their way to hurt and humiliate people. Smiling, speaking and generally making eye contact, is called love for your fellow man and usually helps to make the world a better place.
Shyness: You freak everytime someone even looks at you or shows you interest. Problem is your placing too much emphasis on yourself. Develop an interest in other people and this should go away. Shyness can be conquered by the realization that the only person who is looking at you is you. You are not the centre of the world, Indeed most people are too busy trying to fight their own demons to even notice that you are alive.
Your ethnic and live in an mostly white neighbourhood: This I can do nothing about. If you feel people are racist and being unkind/ignoring you because of the colour of your skin you need to move.
Your not looking for a husband, your looking for a friend: Good, start treating people how you would like a friend to treat you. Smile at people, do nice things for them, ask to spend time with the people you like. If they offend you tell them, if they try to date you then accept or reject them kindly according to the attraction you have for them.
Learn to develop confidence and love for people and have fun. Look on this board for similar stories. You will find your not alone in this, many people feel the same way. You want friendship and happiness, then put aside your fears and go after what you want.
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