A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and My Boyfriend have been together for 5 years. In that time we've had alot of difficult times with trust. My Boyfriend has had a few wired texts in the past saying this like "Hey baby wanna come over". He said he doesn't know who they are. I only came across these texts because I was snopping on his phone (I know I shouldn't be doing this but I wanted to know if something was going on). I confronted him and he promised me he doesn't know who these people who text him are so he changed his number for me.This made me feel better but I noticedhis behaviour is a bit strange. So he goes to the toilet alot when I'm at home and blames it on bad stomach but this is happening every day. He can be in the toilet for up to 50mins at a time like 5 times a day. He also keeps his phone on silent now and never has it in loud. I'm not allowed to touch his phone and he gets angry when I ask who messaged if I can see him texting.I find all this odd because we're pretty much together all the time apart from when I go to work. He doesn't work so he's at home all day which I guess he could use that time to do something. Also he uses my laptop when I'm away at work but deletes the browsing history so I can't see what he's been looking at. I have confronted him so many times about these issues but he gets angry and says he can't live with the mistrust. He threatens to leave if I continue not trusting him. He's also been out of work for the past 1.5 years with depression. It's been a very stressful time but I've been trying to support him as I do love him. He also has an anger problem and gets very verbally abusive when I confront him about anything hes done wrong.I just don't know what going on anymore and it's making me feel terrible.What's going on guys? Do you think he's cheating on me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018): Innocent boyfriends and husbands don't hide their calls and don't delete our messages; because there is no reason to.
If he threatens to leave you, let him. You keep battling and nagging with him over it. Has anything changed?
Make a decision and take a stance. Don't be a sucker!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 August 2018):
 While I can kind of understand WHY he is more protective of his phone (after you snooped and called him out of weird texts) I also think he MUST presume you are an idiot.
"Hey Baby wanna come over" texts are rarely a mistake. And IF they were, I would presume an "innocent man" would text back, sorry you have the wrong guy and then BLOCK the number... Your guy? No, he went through the I'll change my number... But the thing is you can IMPORT your contact list/info to any phone. So IF she in fact IS a girl he is cheating with... it's not like she can't get a hold of him and vice verse.
Locking down his phone (again) makes sense whether he is guilty or innocent. If someone went through my phone without my permission I wouldn't be happy either. And I have nothing to hide. My husband and I do use each other's phone all the time and sure, HE can go through as much as he likes, not that he ever has. Same goes for me and his phone... I don't NEED to go through his phone because he isn't behaving dodgy and there is mutual trust in OUR marriage.
You don't trust him for a reason. That niggling feeling you have didn't come out of the blue. ( I'm guessing). You went through his phone for a reason and you FOUND something. Unfortunately you also accepted his BULLSHIT excuse and let it go.
I think perhaps there have been indicators that make you go... hmmm could he be cheating? Before this. But the relationship had been in a steady decline for a long time and I think... you are looking for a way out. Even if you FEEL love for him. This is not what you want long term, not from a partner or relationship.
Then we get on to the fact that 1. he doesn't have a job (so is he living OFF you 100%?) and 2. He is suffering from depression (has he sought medical help/therapy?) 3. he has anger issues (does he take that out on you?) and 4. he is verbally abusive.
OP, ALL those (above) 4 things are NOT good in a healthy relationship. I understand that you feel a sense of responsibility for him and love, but... He isn't a healthy partner. Not for you or anyone else right now.
To be really honest... Next time he THREATEN to leave, tell him:" yes, I think it's best we end it".
Or you simply tell him that you don't feel the relationship is healthy any more and you are done.
I think STAYING with this guy would be a HUGE mistake. Can you imagine having kids with him? Can you imagine your kids being SAFE around him? And what do you think they would LEARN from having an angry abusive father?
Do you want to waste MORE of your life dating someone with all these issues? And who on top of the 4 things you mentioned... might also be USING you and CHEATING on you.
How long are you going to stay with a guy who is NOT providing ANYTHING to the household? Or does he keep the house clean, cook, do the shopping, paying bills? What?
I don't think you HAVE to try and work ANYTHING out with this guy. Even if you two have trudged along for as long as you have.
BUT if you feel you NEED proof of misconduct from him to end it... INSTALL a keylogger on your laptop. That way you can see EXACTLY where he has been on the web and what he has been doing. It's your laptop after all.
Now I'm not a fan of installing things so people can "catch" badly" behaved partners but there are times people (like you) need PROOF to see what is right in front of them.
NOTHING in his behavior "screams" innocent.
You do know you can LOVE someone and NOT be with them, right? Because you can love someone who is really wrong for you. And this guy? HE IS WRONG for you.
There are PLENTY more men out there who could be a MUCH better fit for you long term. And the longer you drag this dead relationship out... the more of these GOOD matches you are bound to MISS.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 August 2018):
 You know the old saying "If it walk like a duck...quacks like a duck....its probably a duck". Never ignore those little warning bells and the little voice in your head telling you something wrong. It probably is. Its hard to say for sure but usually when people are acting weird in a relationship something is definitely wrong. Cheaters think that they are clever and no one knows what they are doing but if you know someone and have been around them long enough you know when they aren't acting like their normal self. Now you have to figure out what you want to do about this situation. Call him out? Sneak around and hope to catch him? Or just end things? You've invested a chunk of time so if it was me I would straight up ask him whats going on. Watch him. watch his eyes, watch how he acts. Most people have a hard time lying and especially keeping their stories straight. If he acts too defensive...thats a really good sign he's doing something he shouldn't be. Good luck..and stay strong.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 August 2018):
 You know you have a gut instinct for good reason, don't you? Your gut instinct is SCREAMING out at you that things are not right. Listen to it.
So he was getting texts from people he didn't know, asking him to come over? Bollocks! You KNOW that is bollocks. He may have changed his number but, despite not being a gambler, I would put my last fiver on him having similar messages on his phone again.
When people are backed into a corner, they get defensive and many will use attack as defence, hence why he is threatening to leave. In your shoes, I would pack his bags for him and help him on his way.
Come on, you KNOW something iffy is going on. What is it going to take to make you actually admit it? Walking in on him in bed with someone else?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018): Ok.sorry to hear he is suffering depression. Next time you see a wierd text just do yourself a favor and take the number and call yourself and you will find if is really true that he does not know that person...OP..you day you work so he is alone in the house. What is that: hey baby want to come over...please use your gut. This man is using you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018): It does sound really suspicious. Hes acting very odd. I'm not proud of saying this but I've been the 'other woman' before (I loved him but I did the right thing in the end) and I can actually remember him hiding in the bathroom when his girlfriend was there in the house, to sext me an asking for dirty pictures. I later found out he did this with lots of women and was playing us all, despite having a loving girlfriend in a 4 year relationship! As far as I know he was good at hiding things and she trusted him, they're still together. Obviously this might not be the case. I would say that the worst thing you can do is confront him - if he is lying to you already and cheating, he isn't going to suddenly admit it, it will just make him be more careful about hiding stuff (if he is in fact cheating). I would act normal around him but also keep an eye out. He won't suddenly come clean if he has been hiding something for a while now. It's a hard situation because he could in fact be innocent, but everything he is doing screams he is guilty. You guys have been together so long so it's not as though you can just walk away , in case he is actually innocent. I would try to keep an eye out , make an excuse to use his phone sometime (yours could run out of battery or something) - I wouldn't usually suggest snooping, however why should you waste your time on a cheat? If he won't give you his phone when you really need it, something is off. I hope that he isn't, but If he is please be strong and remember that you deserve better
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