A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:HelloI'm hoping a few of you may be able to offer some advise. I'm not sure if I'm barking up the wrong tree here but I've been putting this to the back of my mind for many months now and its getting me down. Maybe thats because I'm going through such a tough time myself and just need an old friend but something doesn't quite seem right.I'm getting a bit worried about my friend. I've been trying to see her for months now. its not been a very easy time for me and I've really needed someone to talk to. She's aware of some of the problems.Like I say I've been trying to make arrangements for months to spend a little time together and shes aware I'm not having the greatest of time, although possibly oblivious to it at the moment. Whenever I've made an effort to make arrangements I;ve always given weeks/sometimes a few months notice to ensure I'm not intruding on her plans but all I get is we'll do something and then when the time comes she says she hasn't got any time free (Even though shes been promising we would do something) or she gets very defensive on the subject. We've now come to the end of summer, so these plans we've been trying to make for months will now not happen, and I'm pretty hurt at that. We used to be what I consider very close friends, and of course I do appreicate she needs to make time for her new significant other. Maybe I'm asking too much for a day/evening of her time? All the relationships I've been in and all those my friends are in never seem to be this way, infact tthis isn't something I've ever come across before. I believe its very important that you make time for friendships and family but maybe I'm just a little old fashioned. I don't want to seem patronizing but I'm getting a little worried. She seems to have changed so much recently and its all becoming a bit sureal. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2018): Your friend is romantically-involved at the moment; and her time is being spent with her male-companion. Friendships do grow apart, as do romances. Some can balance and successfully juggle the two together; and some people can only do one or the other.
I have a little tidbit of information to impart on you; that I suspect you're overlooking. You're dealing with some problems, and she's in a romance. Her romance brings her joy, and you are guaranteeing her a downer. You said she's already aware of your problems? That's all the more reason not to find time; just to sit and listen to you complain or unload your problems. She seems selfish; but she's getting older, and deserves some happiness.
If the friendship was as strong as it should be, a good friend wouldn't have to be asked. A true-friend would just be there. She has given you all the time she feels you deserve; and has found someone else to share her time with. Life is too short, my dear. We have to make the best of what's left of it, as we age.
You want to vent and unload your problems on your friend. If this is a habit of yours, you have conditioned your poor friend to avoid you. People don't usually want to hangout and spend precious-time to listen to a grocery-list of your problems and complaints. You can depress or over-burden people; if your life is consistently problematic. If you're a chronic-complainer, you drive people away. They want to see you when you're happy, and have reason to celebrate! Or, just want to spend time together; while putting all your worries aside! Even the best of friends tire of being a shoulder to cry on.
Another thing, is when people only want to see you when they want to vent; but refuse to let you offer any advice. You can't talk, they just want an ear. Not wanting to listen to your opinion, or have a two-way discussion. She may be trying to tell you something! If you don't want to share good news, she doesn't have an ear for you! I speculate you have a pattern of complaining; or might offer too much opinion about whom she's with. That's reason to avoid you!
Don't criticize, compete with, or show jealousy towards her boyfriend! Why is it so important it just be her, why isn't he welcome to come along?
Perhaps your friend's time is a little tied-up, just like she told you. She's a mature-woman, and romance gets a little harder to come-by as we get older, my dear. She's got problems of her own; and may not have much to offer you in comfort. Just assume she is avoiding you. Let it be.
You don't mention your family. Do you have adult-children, grandchildren, siblings, cousins, nieces, or nephews to spend some quality-time with? You don't seem to be taking a hint that your friend is not as close as she may have been, once-upon a time. I guess time has run-out on that old friendship. You've reached the expiration-date.
If you don't change over the years, you're stuck in the past! Time and age changes us, my dear. Some friendships run their course and people move-on. That's not a bad thing.
If you practice faith and worship; you can seek the comfort of fellowship and prayer. You can seek faith-based counseling for your troubles. You can go to socials and after-worship gatherings to make new friends.
If everyone around you has gone their separate-ways, that means it's time for you to reach-out and meet new people.
If you are financially-comfortable, you can join a travel-club; and see a few lovely places, and make some travel-buddies. If you're financially-strapped, maybe your friend is afraid you're going to ask her for help. It wouldn't be fair to characterize her in a negative-way; because only she knows her reasons for not finding the time.
Not knowing the nature of the relationship between you, also leaves us guessing or grasping at straws in figuring-out why she will not find time for you. So it's up to you to just let it go. Move-on, and try to re-establish closer ties with your own family. If they are all estranged; then that's why your friend is distancing herself. You need to go back and rekindle relationships or rebuild bridges with those related to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018): I find your question a bit surreal. You are old enough to take care of yourself and if one friend doesnt have time for you then you should be able to let that friend go.
Friendships aren't carved in stone.
Its not a social requirement that people must be available to meet up with old friends who keep tabs on them.
If your friendships dwindle then you should adjust your life to fill your social gaps with other people.
Because your not getting what you want you are undermining her relationship with her boyfriend by implying its a cause for concern.
That seems a bit controlling of you in my personal opinion.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 August 2018):
 There are MANY things which could be going on here and there is no way of telling (for us even more so than for you).
She may just feel the friendship has run its course and not actually WANT to meet up with you but not have the guts to tell you. She may have problems of her own at the moment and not feel she can provide support to someone else. As she has a new partner, she could be concentrating all her time on him, to the exclusion of old friends. Or maybe her partner is the possessive type and doesn't like her meeting with friends without him.
Why not write to her, saying you are concerned that you never seem to see her any more. Say that, if she feels the friendship has run its course and no longer WANTS to meet up with you, that is fine but she needs to let you know, otherwise you worry something is the matter. See what comes back.
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