A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for some advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, but the last few months have been a bit rocky in my opinion. I say in my opinion, because he disagrees and thinks I'm overreacting about the fact that he still can't give me a clear indication of where he sees his/our future going. He knows that I want marriage and children, and he says he does too 'one day', but can never tell me when 'one day' might be or even commit to saying that I'm the one he wants to do it with (he says he loves me and wants to be with me but will never tell me if he means that long term or just right now). He says he has lots more living to do before he settles down, like travelling and even living abroad, yet makes no tangible plans to do any of it. Anyway, he asked me to move in with him about a year ago but was unable to give me any idea of where he saw his future going, so I refused. This caused problems with us as he said I was trying to blackmail him into proposing (which is not the case! I don't want a proposal right now, just some indication that our life plans match up). So a year on, nothing has been resolved and I've been offered the chance to buy a house. He is very upset that I'm considering it, as he believes that we should be living together after 5 years. Which I understand, but I feel he is giving me absolutely no commitment at all. He thinks moving in IS commitment but to me it's not.Am I out of line for considering investing in my own house without him? And am I expecting too much as he seems to think? Surely after 5 years he should be able to give me more than 'maybe one day'? I'm 29 and he's 27 for info. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 Buy your house, tell him you are planning to date other guys and send him a copy of Beyoncé's "Put a Ring on It"...
If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2014):
 Did he ASK you to move in with him, BEFORE you mentioned buying a place? My guess is.... It really is about HIM and what HE wants. And HE IS happy with Status Quo.
YOU have to do what's right for you. And if buying a house is the beginning of YOUR future I think you should go for it.
OR you can wait around for him to decide what he really wants with his life and if you TRULY hold a part of that.. or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 ?? I don't get this. They are his parents; if they have promised him a share of the profit for the sale of their house , surely they can do that and will do that regardless of where he lives ?
What his address has got to do with a gratuity from his parents ?... I and my sister got something from our father in a similar occasion, and we both lived abroad. We got it because our father wanted us to have it- not because we were INSIDE the property he sold. Thanks God, with parents it's never " out of sight out of mind ":).
Never mind ( and none of my business :). Yet, from what you add in your update, it does sound that it is all about HIS convenience and commodity- financial or otherwise. What would be best for you, it's like a pale afterthought- if it even crossed his mind.
If I were you, ... I'd call up that realtor ,fast :).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): Hi OP again. Well, he is currently renting from his parents and has been promised a share of the money they make when they come to sell the house, so he's reluctant to leave. Which I do understand to be fair to him. I was willing to move in with him if he could give me even an indication that he wants to move things forward, but since he hasn't I've held off.
I suspect that you're right that it's a convenience thing for him, but that it's less about saving on rent and more about having regular sex and company in the evening. He has a busy work schedule which conflicts with mine too, and I fear that I would actually get less quality time with him if I moved in as he wouldn't feel that a 'date night' was necessary any more.
Thanks again to all those who have responded. I think I'm going to have to tell him I'm buying the house and let the chips fall where they may.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2014):
 if he wants to live with you why can't he give up his place and move into yours and pay you rent..... I bet if that's the offer he won't be so quick to do it either....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 September 2014):
I think his upset has more practical than emotional reasons.
He ralizes that ( probably ) you can't be paying both a mortgage AND a rent. If you move with him, you pay half of his rent. If you pay your mortgage ... there's nothing in it for him.
Too cynical a thought ?.
Ask him. Tell him that you'll buy the house, but you will be happy to move in with him, if he accepts to take on himself the whole rent while you keep paying your mortgage . And you are not renting your house, you are going to keep it nice and available for you, so the unfortunate day that he should decide he wants out of the relationship, or chose to go gallivanting around the world,- you have a place to live to which you can make a seamòess transition , without having to have financial / practical worries, on top of the romantic ones.
If this is just about wanting more closeness and stability after 5 years, he should be fine with that. He should be protective of your future, in fact; he should be happy that you'll have security in yours, regardless wherner he will still be there or not.
Something tells me that he is only thinking of HIS present, not of your future. I hope you prove me wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): Thanks everyone, I'm the OP. I spoke to him again last night and he said he's not ready to settle down. I asked him if that was because he wasn't sure about me and he said no, but he also couldn't tell me what he is waiting for. His life at the moment is going out drinking with his mates, working and seeing me, and I think he dreams of more adventure. Which to me is fine but only if you do something about it.I told him to think about it for a couple of days, but if he still can't decide then I'm going to go ahead and put an offer in. He's really upset as he thinks I should want to live with him, but I can only move in if he thinks it's for the long term and he just can't give me that promise. I know I shouldn't compare, but I look around and see my friends excitedly planning their futures with their partners and my boyfriend can't give me that :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): Honey I have kids ( daughters and sons ) almost your age and here is what I would tell my daughters It's fine for him to say one day ! Men do not have a limited time in which to have their family , however , we as women do and having babies is a hard task . Believe me ! So whilst he may prefer to sit back and wait until he is 35, 45, 55 etc ... That is not a viable option for a woman and he is effectively stealing your opportunities by holding you in limbo I agree that you cannot force his hand and as you say, you wouldn't want to either , but he needs to understand that if he is not ready to settle and you are then unfortunately he will need to accept that you have to open yourself to the possibility of meeting men who want the same things as you... And the potential father to your children and husband That's totally fair and reasonable . He can see you, he can romance you, he can even love you BUT he cannot claim you unless he gives a commitment .That's is simply how it is !!!!!Women's reproductive window is limited , why should you be expected to raise the risk of having birthing or pregnancy issues related to being an older mum or missing out all together simply because he wants to take the best years of your life Buy the house Hun, date other men . If he wants you he will need to make a move , otherwise just let him go with love and trust that the right man will come into your life
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 September 2014):
 I agree with SVC...5 years and he's saying "maybe one day"??? In other words...he means..I'll be with you till the right one comes along. It doesn't take someone 5 years to know if they want to spend the rest of their life with someone. I would go on in your life and think about you want. Do what is best for YOU. The odds are he won't be a part of your future, so move along and make a future without him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 September 2014):
buy the house
if after 5 years at 27 he does not know what he wants... I will give you the bad news... it's not you.
He is with you till "the real deal" comes along for him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 September 2014):
 If you can afford to buy a house at your "ripe old age" you should do it, regardless of what ANYONE has to say about it. Jelousy comes in all forms. Sounds like he wishes he was as comprtant as you seem to be and is kinda acting out. Go for it! You should be very proud of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2014):
You are NOT out of line in buying a house for yourself and your future. AS long as you can afford it on your own. Otherwise it's not a smart investment, mainly because he HAS given you NO commitment.
Moving in together isn't always a clear indication of commitment. Sometimes it's more of a convenience then it is commitment. And I think that is how YOU see it too. He MIGHT see it as commitment, but really.. it isn't.
Have you expressed what YOU want and what timeline you have in your head? If you have and all you get is a "maybe one day", then he isn't sure. After 5 years he ought to know if he can see himself long term with you or not. The fact that is wasn't til you got offered a house that moving in got discussed (or did you two talk earlier about that?) seems to me that he is pulling out the "move in together card" to HOLD you over while he mulls things over. (if he is even doing that) I think.... HE is perfectly happy with status quo. He has a long term GF, doesn't live with her, aren't engaged and don't REALLY have any commitments TO her (other than being a good and faithful BF) - and that.. suits him JUST fine.
I would buy the house. And I would sit him down and lay out the future you want to share with him. Doesn't mean IF you want it, it should be so... but it's a guideline. If he gives you more of... "Maybe one day" - then I'd tell him it isn't enough for you (if it's not enough). Wanting to travel abroad, live abroad... it's great (been there done that and loved it) - but I MADE plans to do it and put it into action. One of my good friend wanted to do a 6 months trip to Asia & Australia - she worked 3 jobs to save up the money, she found a friend to rent her place while she was gone and she went and had a blast. She didn't just sit around TALKING about doing it.
As for having loads more living to do.. what exactly is that? have you asked him?
YOU have to figure out exactly WHAT you want and go for it. Don't wait around for another 5 years while he "might" make up his mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2014): You sound like you've grown apart in your 5 years - which is quite natural. Simply put you're not the same person you were 5 years ago - you're ready now to start putting down roots and considering your future - not to mention the feeling that if children are going to be in the picture then conversations have to start happening now as you're at (in my view) an ideal age to have children.It may be that 3 years isn't a great age difference, but maturity wise it may be starting to cause cracks in the relationship. He is probably still in the same mindset he was in his early 20's, all the talk about travelling and living aboard - yet at the mention of you buying a house he starts to get a fronted because he's not included? Sounds like he has no idea what he wants when by now he should be taking steps towards getting there! He either wants to travel, and if so then he needs to pack his bag and get going, or he wants to settle down and buy a house.You go for the house purchase. If you're in a position to do so then it's a wise move. Be careful of him wanting to move in, if he does he does then he contributes - make that clear from the very beginning. I agree that 5 years by now he should be clear with where he sees this going.I'd advise arranging a time to meet up, maybe in a busy-ish coffee shop so you can chat without being over heard and also you're both less likely to become too emotional etc...and talk it out. Say, quite matter of fact, that you're almost 30 - you need to know if he sees his future with you, which includes marriage and children, or he doesn't. If he doesn't then you both need to do each other a favour and go your separate ways because it's not fair on you to possibly miss the chance to have children if he keeps being wishy washy about it and it's not fair on him to feel pressured to make these decisions if he really isn't ready. If you tell him that, without getting emotional or stressed, he might just realise he needs to stop wasting time saying "one day" and actually take action on whatever it is he wants to do.It will be hard not to be too emotional about it, but if you approach it almost business-like then it doesn't come across as you being desperate for marriage (or whatever he's said in the past, pushing it onto you instead if accepting his part in these issues) and he might just see it more seriously and that he himself is not getting any younger. It may just take a real good heart to heart to see that really you're both still committed to the relationship, people often write off relationships that start young saying that both people change, but if you're still enjoying each other and their company then there is no reason not to embrace your changes and grow together. On a side note, both my husband and I saw moving in together as a commitment. Both of us would never have considered engagement without first living together and perhaps that's how your bf thinks? You need to see if you both get along sharing a home and we rented for a few years. We always discussed our wedding, and once we owned our own home was when we got engaged and married the next year. Best of luck xx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 September 2014):
 If you can afford it... you would be most-wise to invest in your own home.....
As for this guy.... you CAN'T AFFORD to remain in limbo with him forever.... You have NO IDEA when his "one day" is. It could be February 29, 2032, for all you know, and for all he's telling you.....
If you want a man/mate sometime in the foreseeable future... you CLEARLY know that this isn't the one.... Don't waste too much more time on and with him... Get on with your life on YOUR terms....
Good luck....
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