A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I need help with my boyfriend. Let me please explainFew days ago he went to the club with his friends and he texted me that time and spammed me with kisses. He told me he got drunk with his friends that some girls gave him alcohol and his friends. So of course I let it be. I thought hopefully he won't drink again because he never drank before.Yet now he's drunk, already 3rd or 4th day and he doesn't remember me, he called me names, really really nasty abusive names.I told him to stop drinking but he was drunk and he blocked me almost everywhere... He yelled at me and spoke to me in a disrespectful way. Yet then he doesn't remember who his gf is, he’s so drunk... He even told me in a nasty way to get lost.He loves me. Yes I’m sure on a million per cent, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing.He deleted me on skype and he's drunk as hell, I want him to stop, I don't know what to do, I seriously need help how to make him stop drinking ...Of course I am not accepting a solution like dump him, I don't want to leave him, nor lose him. He’s completely perfect for me, I need a serious normal answers.Thank you
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 How long have you been together? More information about the relationship would help.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2013):
He doesn't sound completely perfect. You are blaming the alcohol for his choice of friends?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I don't think you should take him so literally, I mean, I don't think that even if he's been drinking for the past 3 days he would be affected by amnesia - and I don't think it would be selective amnesia, i.e. recognizing the other people and friends, but not you only.
I guess he is telling you to get lost, in a mean, nasty ,abusive way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneh .. the problem is he forgot totally about me man..
he was like "who da fak u are,why u still talkin to me"
That's just insane,he dunno who i am..my own bf doesnt know who is his gf,he never drank alcohol before and now he started cuz his friends lured him into it.. god..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Sorry honey, you can drag a horse to water but you can NOT make it drink. THAT is the same with people. You WANT him to stop drinking, but unless HE WANTS to stop, he isn't going to, not for you not for anything.
Obviously he thinks he is doing "just fine".
If he keeps drinking how can he be perfect for you? How can he be a good guy if he abuses you verbally every time he is drunk?
When he is sober how does he deal with you talking about? Does he understand how it affects you? And the relationship?
There is no magic cure or spell you can cast to "fix" him. Unless he stops or get help this will only escalate and YOU will only find yourself in deeper and deeper water.
I understand that you love him, but at some point you have to accept that he rather DRINK with his mates and strange chicks, then be with you and not drink. Is that what you want for yourself and your future?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 March 2013):
OP, your story doesn't make sense. Think about it: he never drank before and now he's been wasted out of his mind for days in a row? How long have you two been together? Because to me it sounds like he's an alcoholic on a binge, which basically means he's been down this path before and will do it again in the future. He's in a cycle of binging and restricting and as time goes on the restricting will become harder and harder.
When he told you he didn't drink he was actually a dry alcoholic trying to stay away from the cliff. He wasn't perfect, he was just trying to act like it. Alcoholics are great at lying. When people behave like this it's not a new habit. You just met him when he was in one of his more pleasant phases.
My uncle is an alcoholic and since he's always been like a second dad to me, I can tell the signs. He's dry now, after a lifetime of abuse. He'd drink days in a row, then keep it together for a while, only to go over the edge again. He needed help to get off the booze for good. He started drinking in his late teens and stopped when he was 50. He's been sober for 10 years now. My mom never thought he'd live to see 30. Do you want to stick around to wait and see whether your bf turns out the same?
I'll tell you what got my uncle to finally admit he had a problem: the love of his life leaving him. She had gotten sick of his antics and after many threats of leaving he still took her for granted. So she left, for good. And he finally realized what he'd done.
You sound like you haven't been in this relationship for long. He's already treating you badly. People like that aren't 'perfect' for you. Don't think that he'll revert back to his 'perfect' self either. That was just a charade. He needs help beating the addiction and it already seems like you can't get through to him. So leave him. It'll be the best thing you'll do for him because it'll show him actions have consequences.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): "I seriously need help how to make him stop drinking ..."You can't make him do anything he would not be inclined do otherwise."Of course I am not accepting a solution like dump him, I don't want to leave him, nor lose him. He’s completely perfect for me, I need a serious normal answers."The only applicable serious normal answers are stop living in denial, stop thinking you can magically cure him, and start developing real-life coping skills. Abella has offered you sound advice and extensive resources. Listen to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): There is nothing normal about an alcoholic and by now you should have Adknowledge that .First the name calling that's abuse Second he going to put his hands on on you.Thirdly he going to keep putting it on Alcohol and then he is going to be Sorry every time Get Out Now.Madam you can't stop him from drinking he's going to have to want to stop move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2013):
So you are in love with an alcoholic, it seems. I would suggest you do your research, if you truly want to stay with him, and the best place to do that is with people who are in your situation. http://www.al-anon.org
Many years ago, a close friend of mine was an alcoholic, and I got so scared and frustrated at her behavior that I went to an al-anon meeting. It helped put things in perspective and made me understand what I could and could not do to help.
If you are serious about him, you owe it to yourself to find out all you can about alcoholism and the effects it has on his brain.
The best wake up call he might get is if you leave him.
The end of the story of my friend was that she died. She never got help. It's very sad to consider how much help is out there, if people will only reach for it, in the right way.
You have reached out for help. I would advise you to reach for help in the right place, go to where they know about loving an alcoholic. Go to al-anon. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I was raised also with alcholism parent it was horrible the abuse physical plus its a wonder I haven't become very depressed or become an alcholic even though I was so close to having a problem. I would leave before it gets bad. If you get him help will he accept it so he wont hurt himself or you or anybody else?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I grew up with alcoholic parents. And a little child cannot run away from the pain of alcoholism.
A little child (as I was) just has to put up with the fighting, the yelling, the screaming, the disarray of the home, the mess as the parents are too drunk to clean up, the Police visiting because the noise is too loud for the neighbors. Even as young as five I knew that the neighbors did not behave like my parent.
I know how horrible it is to live with alcoholics.
But it does not get better. If a person cannot handle alcohol they can sink to depths you cannot imagine.
They lose all respect for themselves and for those around them.
He may have been the perfect boyfriend, but you cannot havea fulfilling relationship with a memory of how he was, when he was perfect.
He is not perfect now.
He is abusive verbally, and he has no respect and he does not intend to stop drinking alcohol to excess.
The Kindest most Loving thing you could do for him now is give him a reality check. And that means walk away from him, after telling him why. That he has become disrespecful and rude and cruel in the words he uses towards you.
And no tears and pleading are of any use, until he takes the real steps to heal.
which means he needs to seek help. Through Alcoholics Anonymous or something similar.
But he is still in denial and he still thinks he can stop drinking any time and that he does not have a problem with alcohol.
He will get much much worse. Before he accepts that there is a problem.
But you delay him realizing these facts, the longer you stay and make excuses for him and smooth the way for him.
Here are some links to help both you and him. He will not want to read them yet.
And do not start drinking with him as he will drag you into the gutter with him.
But for your own self preservation you do need to take the advice offered by the professionals listed below like TalktoFrank.com and Al-anon - for families and loved ones of people who cannot handle alcohol.
http://www.talktofrank.com/drug/alcohol
- information on the effects possible if a person’s drinking is out of control.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
Your Boyfriend has to feel there is a problem for him.
He has to seek the help. No one can do that for him.
He has to want to help himself.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
-for people affected by the drinking of someone they love
Phone in the United Kingdom for help:
UK National Helpline 0845 769 7555
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