A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Two years ago today I was dumped by my ex. We both did things to each other. I accept I made him insecure by constantly flirting with attractive guys when we went out, and by flirting on dating sites (which he always found out about). I did cheat on him, but I am not sure if he ever did find that one out. I gave him a real hard time on facebook and then he blocked me. I had one some night stands and announced them on my facebook statuses, and said that they were better than him (which was a lie because they wasnt). We have mutual friends so I think he will have found out. I have had two abusive relationships since him. I know I made a big mistake and have my regrets. I still think about him, and know I should have realised how happy I was at the time at the time. I know he did meet someone,but I do not know if she is still on the scene. How do I tell him what I am thinking? Would there be a chance for us after two years? I still love him and it wont go away.
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facebook, flirt, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (5 March 2013):
Yes - we HAVE told you what to do. LEAVE HIM ALONE. Many others have repeated it here yet you still cannot accept that.
Again, LEAVE HIM ALONE. That is clear, concise, and contains no ambiguity.
Not sure what else you need, but I can tell you you're probably not going to get the validation to contact him that you're looking for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): i think like bronzed adonis has said. if he had good memories he would have heard off him or heard that he said he misses you. i would not think anymore about him and work on why you need constant attention and drama all the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Hi, try friendship with him and dont put any pressure. See if he is willing to meet as a friend for coffee and just use the opportunity to apologise. Dont push for anything more as he will take the lead if interested. Also note that if he does not want to meet a friend for coffee , then he is over you and you need to move on.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 March 2013):
 i think people are answering your question, i just think they're not giving you the responses you desired. but literally everyone has said the same thing and sees something you're missing. i think you'd be wise to listen.
would there be a chance for you after two years? in my honest, personal opinion, no. my ex cheated on me like you cheated on him. dating sites and sleeping with others, etc. i would NEVER in a million years go back. we are friends now, but HELL NO to dating again is an understatement. do people make mistakes? sure. you're human. you don't need to be berated for making mistakes. but coming from experience, being cheated on is one of the most damaging, long-lasting things a person can do to another. as i said, make sure you're in a different place this time around if you do choose to approach him.
how do you tell him what you're thinking? well if i were you, i'd find out from some of my mutual friends if he is in a relationship. if he is, then you politely and respectfully back off and don't say anything. if he's single, and you feel you've changed enough in these two years, then send him a text message if you still have his number or call him up. or maybe message him on facebook. hell, there are a million ways to contact him. but i wouldn't be surprised if he's moved on. being treated like that isn't something people are usually jumping at the next opportunity to relive.
i'm not trying to belittle you. and neither is anyone else, i don't think. i think everyone is just merely trying to explain to you why they don't think he'll come back. and lastly, in defense of janniepeg, i do think your relationship was toxic. trying to make your boyfriend jealous by flirting, and cheating, and posting hurtful, dramatic stuff on facebook to get a rise out of him is the epitome of toxic. if you don't think so, then perhaps you need to reevaluate what you consider a healthy relationship to be. because those things are extremely unhealthy. good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Well, actually your question is not even exactly a real question, because, what does it mean " how do I go about telling him how I feel ..."- ? you go about it the same way as you do in life every time you want to communicate something , from your wish for a frappuccino at Starbucks to your need for a pay rise : you open your mouth and TALK.
What people has been trying to tell you is that perhaps you should save yourself the effort , because 1 ) after all you put him through, including the FB antics, the most likely outcome is that he will richly laugh in your face, are you prepared to that ? 2 ) the dynamics in your relationship was all wrong and it caused the break up, and going back to the same situation with the same mindset and expectations, would only reproduce the same results.
I think you feel you love him... in comparison, just because the relationship with him was a bit better than the two following abusive ones. But then, the problem would not be strongarming this guy into coming back to you and giving you a slightly- less -shitty -than -you -are used relationship, it would be to work on yourself, your insecurities, your obsessive need for attention, etc.. and learn how to establish healthy partnerships.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 March 2013):
sounds like you two are toxic for each other. you may have a chance at getting him back, but have you made any personal changes so that the same things wouldn't repeat themselves? if not, i'd say just let the past be the past. otherwise, the past will only repeat itself.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (4 March 2013):
 People HAVE answered your question. They are reminding you of the reality, which you are ignoring. Ok, so let's say he came back. He wont ever trust you. You have wrote immature things on facebook for the world to see. He may even not want to be seen dead with you, because the world knows what you are like now too. Where would it go in the future? When you get comfortable, what then? Back to flirting? Dating sites? Cheating? The moment he is not meeting expectation, what then? The reason I have wrote this is because, after reading your reply, I dont think you know that cheating and going on dating sites will cause insecurity, paranoid and jealous behaviour. I dont think you know the damage it will cause. You appear to have a need for constant attention. Will he be able to balance his life to feed it to you? What then? Flirting with guys you find attractive? If he has never got in touch with you after all that time, then does that not tell anything? Again, what is wrong with being single?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Not one of you has answered my question. I was asking how I would go around telling him how I feel. All you have done is repeat back at me the bad things I did. I am paying for it now. No one is perfect, and yes I made mistakes. If the truth be known he was not perfect. After finding out I went on dating sites, he became jealous and controlling. At times he was a nightmare. It seems no one is prepared to answer my question. If you cannot answer my question, then say so, or dont say anything. Thanks for reading anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): You abused him and now you want him back. This proves how little you value him and how little you care about him. You have zero sympathy for him you only care about yourself. I hope he stays far away from you for his own good.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Something else here -- not only do you want him back, but you want to steal him from his new girl? You hurt him over and over, now you want to hurt his girlfriend in the same way you hurt him.
Nope. You haven't changed.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 March 2013):
No offense, but you sound like a nightmare girlfriend. Work on being a better person and start over fresh with someone else. Learn to have some self control, or just find someone who would like to be in an open relationship with you. That way you wouldn't be doing anything wrong. You may just have a polygamous mindset and being with one person just isn't for you. But be honest about that with your partners.
Even if he took you back your relationship could never be good because of all the bad things that happened.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 March 2013):
 LMAO! Thanks for the laugh. Like Cerberus said, you definitely shit all over that relationship. What makes you think you wouldn't do it again?
Leave him alone. Move on. You were not good for each other. If it was meant to be it would have worked the first time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Wow.Please leave this guy alone. I am surprised by your stated age. If it had read 16-18 I might have understood, but surely by mid to late 30's you start to understand about action and reaction. action: cheat, look for guys on the net, flirt with others while with him = guy breaking up with you.I am sure he wasnt the best bf at the time but I am sure he has paid his pennence on that. Maybe just look at the decisions you made and their results, and do the opposite for the next guy. I.e. if you keep meeting these abusive types in pubs, try meeting them elsewhere. If you lost a "good" relationship from cheating, flirting etc. maybe next time dont do those things....but again surely you dont need to be told this after the age of 20
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I have an ex who cheated on me via dating sites. Do not tell yourself that it was harmless, because it is so far from the truth. It is cheating and it shows you had no respect for him. You also cheated on him physically. You say you still think about him. He may still think about you, but it wont be nice things he will be thinking about, if he does. You are 36-40 and you do drama on facebook? It is laughable really.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 March 2013):
You need to leave him alone. Of all my relationships, only one girl I dated cheated on me - although she never had the courage to admit it, but I knew it with 100% certainty. Of all my relationships, she is the one I think about least and would completely erase if I could. To that end, similarly, this guy is likely trying to wipe you out of his mind. Please let him.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (3 March 2013):
I will be very honest about this. From what you have said, if I was in his situation, I would not go anywhere near you. You are probably a very bad memory he wants to forget by now. What you did on Facebook was an embarrassment to yourself and not him. People can read through that, and anyone who hits the like button is getting entertainment at YOUR expense. If he was your ideal partner you would not have cheated. What is wrong with being single for a while?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Honestly if the roles were reversed and HE did everything YOU did to him & the relationship would YOU really want him back?
I think you loved the IDEA of him (or just a BF) more then HIM (the person you dated and constantly cheated on, because YES, trolling for guys on dating sites is up there with cheating, it's EMOTIONAL cheating, it's looking for greener grass when you already have a lawn.)
Did you LEARN anything from him dumping you? That it is NOT OK to troll for guys on dating sites? That it's NOT OK to create drama on Facebook JUST to catch your ex's attention.
Honestly, what you had (the good times) is not always something people can go back to, not after all that drama and 2 YEARS of (hopefully) personal growth.
I think you need to let him go (or the idea of him). Focus on yourself and WHY you did what you did back then and why you thought it was OK.
I also think that the two abusive relationships you had AFTER him was YOU trying to punish yourself. Life doesn't work that way. Just because you screwed up a relationship with someone you felt was a good guy, doesn't mean you need to punish yourself by dating abusive dudes.
Work on yourself, find a guy whom you can love and who can love you back and then LEARN to keep the drama to a minimum.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 March 2013):
Why should he take you back? You abused him in your relationship. He's better off without you. I didn't hear one thing in your post about why you did what you did, why you abused him emotionally, why you were bent on trying to emasculate him, and he shouldn't be back with you.
You haven't learned the error of your ways simply by getting a taste of your own medicine. You aren't a nice person, and I've heard nothing of regret, or self-evaluation, or kindness, or reflection in anything you've said.
If anything, your only reason for wanting him back is how happy YOU were when you were with him. You haven't changed. How would you make the guy's life better? How would anyone know that you wouldn't go back to mistreating him?
You need to do some soul searching...on your own. You have to change inside, fundamentally, and get to the bottom of what made you do what you did. It's not normal to treat a good man like this, to flaunt flirting, cheating, and one-night stands. If you were a guy, I'd say you hated women.
I'm saying now...what's happened to you that was so traumatic in your life?? I keep feeling like your life is a reaction to it. I think I'll leave that to the professionals to discover, as I am no psychologist, just an online armchair observationist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): OP you need to take off the rose tinted glasses. You had a thoroughly shit relationship with him. You both fucked each other over lots of times and it looks as if the relationship was very poisonous.
You're looking back in the past and comparing it to the other two guys you'd gotten with that were abusive, now somehow you've gotten it into your head that he was the best you've had, he wasn't. Your relationship with him was massive failure, not just because of how you acted but the simple fact you don't work well at all.
You don't love him OP, you love the idea of what it could have been had neither of you acted in the way you did. But you did and there's too much history and bad blood there for it to work and honestly OP he'd be a fool to get into all that again. Not because you're somehow a bad partner or person but come on, only a fool would take back someone who treated them the way you did.
Tell him whatever you want OP but just know it's a horrible idea. Instead of being stuck in the past and looking at it with such short-sightedness you need to move forward and look to the future.
It didn't work before, it won't work again and all these ideas you have of how it could be different this time are completely wrong, you'll just slip into the same routine with him, no matter how you think you've changed the dynamic of your personalities will still be the same.
Why would you want to become the woman you were with him again? You said it yourself, you were awful. Catty, vengeful and utterly contemptible. Why would risk being that woman again?
Move on OP, keep looking to move forward in your life. Reigniting a failed relationship in the hope it will be different is just going backwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): janniepeg. It was not toxic. I just did not realise what I had and began to think we would always get back no matter what.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Your relationship with your ex was not good, it's just better than abuse. If you were truly happy you would not find the need to make him jealous and cheat on him. You went from one bad relationship to another. Forget about getting back with him. The memories are painful and hard to forget. To be honest it was quite toxic.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Hmmmm I think the chances are minimal to be honest. I think there is too much water under the bridge here. I think you need to focus on getting yourself in order. You have had two abusive relationships as a means of self-punishment. You should feel guilty about what you did, you were in the wrong, but you are taking punishing yourself too far, in fact, it is becoming a harmful self indulgence. I think the best you can hope for from him is his forgiveness and maybe his friendship. I think the first thing you should do is find out from your mutual friends what the situation is with this guy before you go diving in. He probably isnt going to thank you if he is insanely happy and you arrive unannounced. I would use your friendship network to communicate your interest in reestablishing contact. Tread very carefully with this one, try and rebuild your life on your own and not use him as the thing you want to do this around because if you do then I think that is a very unstable basis to do it on. Good luck.
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