A
male
age
41-50,
*aperWeight
writes:I posted a few months ago when I found out that the girl I'd spent three years talking to on the phone had sent me photos of someone who wasn't her. In the end, I kept digging, and found that things went a lot deeper. I ended things, but things were a little difficult a while - it seems even from the other side of the world, someone can make trouble for you - threats, e-mails, I had to cancel my credit cards...I decided to go 'no contact' - ignored e-mails, didn't e-mail, call or text her, but 'no contact' is as much about not allowing her into my thoughts as it is about ignoring her.Every now and then, a thought will come into my head about something I now imagine was a lie, and I just feel anger that I know I can't do anything about it.I sometimes feel like I want to warn other people off her, or to make sure she knows that I know she's not the person she claimed to be (I don't think she knows I know all I do about her), but at the same time I know it would be futile.I don't want to feel angry - not least because that would mean she's having an effect on me when she doesn't deserve that, but I'd like some advice on productive and positive things I can do to deal with how I'm feeling.
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male
reader, PaperWeight +, writes (5 March 2013):
PaperWeight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for some fantastic advice - and for being so supportive and non-judgemental at a time I've expected a lot of people to be fairly unsympathetic.I think my biggest knock has been to my confidence - I feel like I don't really know what's real anymore - not in the sense I don't trust other people, more that I don't trust myself not to make another bad decision like this. I thought I knew better.People have been right in asking what contact would achieve, and they're right - she isn't the person I knew her to be, and so I doubt she'd feel any guilt, much less care. I suppose more than anything I just want her to know she doesn't have power over me - as much as my writing this probably suggests otherwise.She didn't scam me - I cancelled my cards more as a precaution - if she's as unhinged as she turned out to be, I just wanted to be sure...A huge eye-opener - whoever knew there were such awful people out there.Thank you all again...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): I'm sorry you're going through a difficult period of life. Advice supplied by you receive from other aunts and uncles are great. You mentioned the credit card, if she betrayed for the money you can log into http://www.scamwarners.com/
Take care and stay strong
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 You are allowing your thoughts to define you. Next time a thought about her floats up into your consciousness, take a part of your mind to watch yourself thinking about her. "That's interesting, here she's popped into my brain again. I wonder why. I wonder what I will think about next."
I think one strategy for you would be to learn about mindfulness, living in the now, in the present. I have some books listed on my profile, I think reading one or more of them might help you. I actually listened to them as audiobooks and they really helped me become aware of how one's thoughts aren't really useful. Mindfulness. Being present in the moment.
That will take some effort on your part.
As a short-term step, you could try putting an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it every time a thought of her pops in your head. That's a very fast way to become present in the moment and is a form of aversion therapy.
Good luck on conquering your own mind.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Sorry that happened to you, there are some real sad and desperate people on the internet...and the world in general, but online there seems to be a growing problem of people pretending to be someone else.
This woman betrayed and hurt you but really she is to be pitied. You have done the right thing by ignoring her and eradicating her from your life but you will feel that your trust/ego has been damaged and that takes a while to recover from. I know it's cliche but getting out and about and meeting new people will help. Resist making friendships online because they can be a trap for your emotions. Spend time with your friends or focus on exercise or doing something you love doing and soon this woman will be a distant memory.
The bit of you that is wishing to get your own back will nag away for some time...but all the what if's won't change anything. Even if you confronted her...what's she going to say?...not much I guess and it might give her an opportunity to get back under your skin.
Learn from the experience but be a wise man and don't let it make you bitter. There are a lot of very good women out there and I am sure, eventually you will meet someone honest and true...good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): When you have been betrayed the desire for revenge is very high. I can fully understand your desire to warn other people that she is not all that she seems. However this is a pointless and futile emotion and is going to get you nowhere. I was very badly betrayed by someone close to me and wanted everyone to know and effectively spoil things for that person. This went on for months for me until the situation became all consuming. It drove me insane and I could think of nothing else. I can assure you being this way is not good for you and you have to remember that the person you are annoyed about does not care that they have been lying and cheating and been caught out. You need to remove yourself totally from this situation. Never check up on her, look at social media or anything like that.You need to try and make yourself feel calm and this will only come when you totally remove yourself from the situation or anything that is going to make you think about it. All the usual things like keeping busy, going out and things that totally fill your time are good. Allow yourself to think about it in bed for a while but that is it. I don't suggest you try to pay her back in any way as she sounds a bit loopy and you don't want any harrassment charges being brought against you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Stop beating yourself up and move on. What choice do you really have anyway? You can't redo the past; so you use this as a lesson learned for the future. Sure you feel a little silly and you let your feelings rush ahead of you for someone you've never met. Now you know better.
Use the energy to find someone live and available. There is no shortcut to finding love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Keep Calm and Carry On- a phrase used during WW2 still so useful today, you may never forgive but believe me time will help you forget, so just stay with those words.
She isn't worth wasting another second on so you have to try and do you! you're probably a much better person than she is, so show that, develop yourself, be it hobbies & interests, career or whatever, to make yourself an even better person so the next girl you love will realize just how amazing you are.
It takes a conscious effort, you need to move forward,everytime you focus on the past, slap yourself in the face and come up with an idea to be even cooler!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 March 2013):
The best thing I can tell you is that human beings are not designed to form relationships via electronic means. I have know very few relationships (read none) that have been successful starting over the internet when the people werent initially in close proximity to each other.
Finding someone by a reputable dating site is fine. Forming a relationship completely via electronic means is not, and I have never seen it work out. Human relations just dont work that way. There is just too much non verbal communications that take place that are not conveyed over a computer or a telephone.
Proceed accordingly.
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