A
male
age
36-40,
CaringGuy
writes:Lately, there have been a lot of posts relating to relationships that are going wrong because of Emotional Abuse (EA). There are often obvious signs of abuse such as shouting, use of cruel words, lack of love/affection, use of guilt etc. However, these usually appear later in a relationship when the abuser has already taken control and the victim has submitted. There are, however, some subtle signs that appear earlier on that a lot of people either don't see, or choose to ignore in the hope that it will change (which it won't - EVER). Here are the 5 most subtle signs that I think appear earliest. 1) Lack of technology related privacy - This is done under the guise that "if you have nothing to hide, why can't we have each other's passwords, pins, texts, e-mails" etc OR "I was hurt before, I have a lack of trust, so I need access to email, texts" etc. This does sound open and honest at first, which is why people so willingly do it - except of course you'll give your details, whilst your partner won't. They'll then check everything whilst you never get a look in. And if you dare to ask about it: "Clearly you don't trust me" will be the answer you get. So if someone talks about having each others passwords, pins, access to texts etc, be wary because this could be a sign that they are an abuser. Remember, if a good relationship, you should be able to trust each other without having to spy all the time. 2) Lack of interest in your friends/hobbies - Again, this is very subtle. At first, it may seem innocent. Perhaps they're shy about meeting your friends, or perhaps they don't like a physical hobby, such as dancing/gym/photography or whatever. But, remember that your friends and hobbies are part of who you are, and as such they should be accepted by your partner, who should show at least show some interest given that you are supposed to have things in common. If they have no interest at all in who your friends are, or what you do, in a way they are showing that they have little interest in who you are. And this is where the control will appear. Suddenly, they will be unhappy about who you see, and claim that your friends are "untrustworthy", or "unsuitable" or "not my sort of people". And suddenly your hobbies will be "boring", "uninteresting", "unsuitable". This will lead to you slowly moving away from your friends and hobbies, and becoming isolated. 3) Stonewalling - This is a clever technique that is designed to make you feel bad/guilty in any situation simply by the other person saying and doing precisely nothing, and also to delay/destroy a conversation. Let's say you need to talk about something important - what will happen is you'll raise it, and the abuser will simply sit there and stare at you. You will be expecting a response, so will become more and more angry - the abuser will still sit there, staring. Or they will leave the room. By this point, you'll be seething and you'll start an argument - the abuser will then take the moral high ground and say "this is why we never talk about things, because you'll always get mad" or something like that. You'll then be left feeling guilty because you'll feel you started the argument. Yet your worried and concerns will have never been answered. 4) Lack of respect for the word "No" - An obvious one when you think about it, but so many people entirely miss it early on because they are so eager to please. If you don't want to to do something, and the word 'no' is falling upon deaf ears, then you're in trouble. A classic example for women is sex. A man will hint that he wants sex, you'll then say you're not ready and suddenly you're in the wrong. They will continue to persist, finally you'll give in because you're eager to please and then they'll have control. You are allowed to say no to something (though it's best to give a reason too), and someone who respects you will understand that. If they don't get the word 'no', chances are they will try to take control all the time and never respect you. 5) Gaslighting - A masterpiece of psychological abuse, and almost certainly a sign of an abuser. This is the most subtle, and is very hard to spot. This is where entirely false facts/information are given by an abuser to a victim in order to distort the memory. And I'm afraid research has shown that this is used more by men than it is women. So women in particular need to be aware of this. A simple version of this would be a difference in what time you agreed to meet. Let's say you agreed to meet at 3, and the other person turns up at 4. You'll say "you're late" - they'll then say "No I'm not, we agreed 4" - they will then go on to give a complete account of why you said 4. E.g "We agreed 4, and I remember because we were in the living room, and I said I had that meeting at 3". You'll doubt your own memory, and wind up feeling that you're in the wrong. The abuser will then use this more and more to erode your confidence. Other examples then range to household chores, hobbies, meetings with friends etc to even rearranging household items to distress you (psycho Charles Manson used to do this in the 60's). I would say that these 5 things appear within a few months, perhaps even weeks of you dating someone. They are very subtle, and it's very important not to ignore them or think that it will get better. This form of abuse very quickly develops into something much nastier, and by then you'll be in a very vulnerable state.
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female
reader, Indeeppain  +, writes (30 March 2013):
Great article and i m emotional abused by my bf????
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Had reason to confirm I was quoting the correct URL for this article (again) today.
So sad, for those suffering this abuse, that they do not always know that the abuse can be stopped. Must be stopped. But the abuser would like them to think the opposite.
Your advice is wonderful.
To anyone abused I say It is NOT your Fault. The SHAME is with the abuser.
But then abusers have no shame and do not care how much they hurt other, preferring instead to justify their distasteful cruel behavior.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (2 July 2011):
 great article. i agree with cerberus too when he says that it is more difficult to accept signs when you are already IN the relationship.
i will give you an example from my personal life. being interested in matters of this sort (following a run of pretty crap relationships over the last few years) i bought a book called 'how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved' by sandra L brown ( i highly recommend this book, even for men to have a look at coz there is no reason why the items/warning signs in it can't relate to the behaviour of an abusive woman too)
anyhow, i read this book, subsequently got into a new relationship, felt my warning radar starting to tingle, read the book again (particularly the section about 'emotional predators' which is what i had an idea my new boyfriend was) and i was like really unsure and sort of made myself see that he did not fit with the profile after all.
however...
after he had kicked me off the pedestal he had PRETENDED to have put me on by dumping me completely out of the blue with a totally lame excuse i read the checklist again. without the love to blind me, i saw that he ticked EVERY box in that list of dodgy behaviours!
its our ability to see the red flags that keeps us safe from emotional harm, but the minute love and chemistry comes into the equation it feels like trying to see through a pair of steamed up specs
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reader, angelic08  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 Nice article CaringGuy, help me to see through things that I preferred to ignore before, and now I finally see it from a different point of view.
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female
reader, xoxocutie  +, writes (24 June 2011):
excellent post !! I am going through this emotional abuse
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Also, a marriage counselor spotted the abuse and urged me to get out of the relationship. She saw us both and told me that she could not work with us. This was last year, I did not do it.
Friends who really care about me also told me to get out. However, most people want marriages to stay together and they encouraged to work it out. Societal pressure, children and convenience (no moving hassles) kept me with this man way too long. Marriage counseling something we were doing before I decided to leave but I felt pressured to do it as he wanted me to commit to him after being separated for only 2 weeks. Weird.
Unfortunately, I did not have the guts to do so. Now I do, and maybe I have to thank the other slap on the face that I got to get the guts to do this
http://www.DearCupid.ORG/question/i-thought-getting-a-divorce-was-the-way.html
Also, a year of individual therapy helped me get the guts to deal with this and see the light. I am worth it, I do deserve to be happy. Cognitive therapy is the best in this situation. And need to stay away from relationships for a long while to see what is healthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): This post is bringing tears to my eyes. Describes my ex husband a lot and I am finally getting out of it after 10 years together. I feel devastated, torn, and scared now that we have 2 kids.
Wish I listened to my mom, she warned about this. Now she is deceased and I cannot tell her she was right. What is the best way to ensure this never happens to me again?
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reader, shawncaff +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Nice work in pointing out the more subtle signs of abuse.
Your 3rd sign, Stonewalling, is very interesting, and one I have never seen written about.
I'd just like to add one: the "Pity Card". This is where one partner manipulates the other subtly through making the other feel sorry for him or her in some way, thus making you feel bad for being critical or of standing up for something in a relationship. The might be evident when your partner continually makes reference to a difficult childhood, to how little money he or she has, etc.
Continually playing the pity card is a form of manipulation that, like gaslighting, is meant to make you doubt your own reactions, thoughts, and feelings. It's a form of abuse that, like the others, will not go away, as it is "hardwired" into the other person as a way of functioning within relationships.
Thanks for the article!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Wonderful article Caring Guy. Very well written. Its very difficult to spot an abuser and very difficult to get rid of one. Iv seen abusers who emotionally blackmail their partners to get their work done. It can range from, "after all that I've done for you, how can you treat me like this" to "I'll hurt myself if you dont do it my way".
Secondly, either there will be a lack of interest in friends and hobbies or a COMPLETE, clawing, overbearing need to know what the partner is doing for every second of the day, where he/she is going and whom they're talking to and meeting. You cannot have a personal life without your partner. They will be hanging onto you like a leech. I have an aunt in my own family who is an abuser. She is a psychotic woman who has all these traits. Forget about checking her husband's e-mail, she has made sure that she and her husband have the same e-mail id with BOTH their names together. Its like [email address blocked]. Thats how bad it is.
I still dont understand why people accept abuse with a "oh well, he/she wont change, so I just have to live with it" rationalization.
Abusers never change. They might become worse, but never better, unless of course, they take help, which most of them never do. They have very deep seated insecurities and fears, which is projected into their abuse. Either its a family history or something that they've experienced in their childhood.
Also, they can go to the complete opposite of stonewalling. Create such a massive scene every time an argument comes up, that the partner will be scared to raise any topic which will cause them to erupt. Abusers do not care about what others think. They just want to prove their point. They will go to any length to make their partner agree and behave in such a way, that the partner will be scared to bring up anything again. My aunt used to take her kids(when they were small) and storm out of the house. Now keep in mind she and her husband are both doctors(I know, guess who needs treatment, right!!), but she did NOT give a damn about what anyone thought or said.
All said and done, you know a relationship is not healthy when there are any of the signs that we have all spoken about. No one should put up with any kind of crap in a relationship and people should have self respect...to stand up and say, NO, I am not going to deal with this nonsense. Never ever give in to abuse. If you do it once, it gives power to the abuser to carry on with it. Seek help or get out of an abusive relationship. There is no other way to deal with it.
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reader, Abella +, writes (13 June 2011):
hi CaringGuy,
This is a truly fine article.
And is exactly the sort of Article I would like to refer others to. Thank you for your very well defined thoughts on this subject,
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Excellent article and signs people should look out for.
I just want to expand on a couple of those.
For number 2 very often that kind of behaviour will be even more subtle. In my experience in the early stages of a relationship an abuser isn't going to directly criticize your friends or your hobbies but will disguise it as jokes, they will show subtle little signs. Such as asking you if "you met any hot guys/girls? lol x" while you're out drinking with your friends, not just once but a lot. Pay attention to peoples "jokes" if a person says "I'm just kidding" "I'm only joking" to try and hide a derogatory, bitter or negative comment, that's bad. Pretty soon they'll feel comfortable enough to do what CaringGuy said and be openly critical of important aspects of your life.
They can also do the complete opposite of what CaringGuy says and have too much interest in your friends and hobbies, want to always go with you, get angry when they can't, want to know every single thing that happened and be pissed and grill you about any members of the opposite sex you talked to. A person who will get angry at you for having a life outside the relationship is very bad news.
The point is they'll try and make you feel like your hobbies and friends are bad, there's more than one technique to do that.
You want to know an almost surefire way to know whether a person is an abuser or not? Family and friends. Yours and his/hers. Seriously, if your friends and family don't like a person, it's not because they don't "*really* know him/her", it's not because they want to ruin your relationship it's because they see that person for who they are, listen to them. If everything really was perfect then they'd have no reason to dislike that person would they? Try and see what they see.
Now I know that there may be exceptions to that, such as a person who dated one of your friends and broke their heart and is hence disliked for those reasons. There are exceptions to some of these, but never when they're long term consistent behaviours.
So the second thing to pay attention to is how they talk about their past relationships. We're all at least partially responsible for why our past relationships didn't work out but for an abuser they were never to blame for any of them. When they speak of their dating history it's always the other persons fault. Anyone who has a long history of failed relationships that never accepts even partial responsibility for any of them going wrong, a person who paints themselves as the victim of all their exes is bad news. We've all been hurt by people in the past but we've also hurt people too. A healthy person will openly take responsibility for their past mistakes and are not afraid to admit they could have done better.
An abuser is essentially a person that can't be wrong, that will viciously defend any standpoint to the point of bitterness, what makes them different from people are just stubborn and firm in their beliefs is that they will turn bitter and resort to personal attacks just so they don't lose.
With all due respect to CaringGuy, I have known abusers who were able to maintain their civility and keep their true nature hidden for far longer than a few months. I've seen it take years to come out and a lot of them especially the older ones will have enough experience to able to hide these attributes right up until after the honeymoon period and you're completely hooked.
That's why it's so important to always keep your friends and family close, let them get to know him/her let them judge that person and listen to the things that they say. You may not see what they see but if more than one friend says the same thing then pay attention. Don't keep any secrets about his/her behaviour from them. Of course there are things that should be keep between the two of you but behaviour is not one of those things. Friends and family really are the best gauge of any partner you have. If your partner doesn't like your friends even though you know in your heart they have no logical reason to, then that's a red flag. (Having an ex or person that has open feelings for you, as a close friend is a logical reason not to like them by the way)
It's very easy for me and CaringGuy to list out these signs, it is very easy for us because we're lucky enough to not be in that kind of situation. It is very difficult to see them when you're actually in that situation and there are feelings involved. It's a lot easier to ignore them, let them slide, rationalize as them as a one off, convince yourself they're not really bad or that their good qualities outweigh them. That's why it's always essential to stand your ground when it comes to your loved ones. You must never allow another person to isolate you from them, ever. Your support network is one you have built and honed your entire life because they're the people in your life that have earned your trust and respect. A partner should accept the people who are good to you even if they don't like them. A partner should only ever want to share in the life you already have, not try and take it away from you or change it.
A person who would try and isolate you from your support network using emotional blackmail, derisive comments designed to sour your friendships or make you view your friends in a negative way by exaggerating their flaws is not a healthy individual.
The waitress test, if person is consistently rude and obnoxious to the people serving them, then you can bet your ass you will be next once they stop trying to impress you. Nothing they're served is good enough, they've always had better or there's something always wrong with the food, the service or other aspects of that interaction. In the near future that will be turned onto you, the clothes you wear will be too revealing, or not revealing enough, your hair will be rotten, you didn't clean the dishes properly.
The final point I want to make is this, what me and CaringGuy listed out aren't all-encompassing facts, they're a guide to dangerous behaviours and red flags. Not every abuser will have them all, some abusers may pass some of these with flying colours. They may be really nice to the people serving them and everyone else but at home be awful to you. They may be very secure and completely respectful of your privacy etc but still be far too jealous of your friends. If they have any one of these behaviours, that's a cause for concern.
If you are unsure about any of these things in your partner talk to as many of the people you trust as possible and get as many different perspectives as possible. You will find that a prevailing opinion will emerge form them and that;s the one you should pay close attention to.
If any of these ring a bell in your current relationship, if what we say makes too much sense and relates far too perfectly to your current partner. The go discuss this with someone as soon as possible or just ask us here on DearCupid we'll gladly give you our opinions.
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