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*am999
writes:Oh God, where do I start.....I am sorry to bore you all with my problem but I just reached the end of the road trying to mediate between my daughter who is 16 and my wife. I dont know what to do anymore.I have been married for a year and been with my wife for a total of 4 years. I was a single parent for 2 years before I met my wife and everything was fine. I have a 10 year old step son. He is well mannered and very caring. He calls me dad (sometimes).The relationship between my wife and daughter went from bad to worse a couple of years ago and they stopped talking to each other. They now cannot stand and hate each other.I always try to take no sides and please both of them, but I am always told by both that I am taking the others side.I tried talking to both of them separately and together but I just cannot get through to either of them. They both seem to give up on getting on with each other and they just avoid each other until the next bust up and I get caught in the middle.My daughter can be mouthful but not in a rude way and my wife can be childish. What really frustrates me that my wife thinks I take my daughters side and my daughter thinks I take my wifes side.I have to work to support the 4 of us and it depresses me to be in this situation. Sometime I feel not coming home at all and leave them all to it. I dont seem to be able to get help from professional bodies. I would like to drag both of them to see someone who could help but I keep being told its a teenager thing.Now I feel like buying a one way ticket and disappear for good as I no longer can put up with this situation. Its driving me mad. All suggestions will be appreciated.Thank you for your patience. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Thank Fade for your feedback. Guess what, I booked the first session with a Counsellor today for Monday. Im suppose to go by myself for the first session. We will see what will happen. I am so stressed out Fade, you dont believe it. People at work keep saying that I look really tired and my brain just wants to shut down and go to sleep. Sometimes I feel Im going to have a heart attack. I fought my ex-wife for 2 years to have custody of my daughter after she tried to take her out of the country and damn me if Im going to loose her over a woman. As much as I truely love everyone in our household, the last thing I want my daughter to feel like is being alianated. The funny thing is that my daughter texts me while I am at work, for example, she text me today to let me know that at last she managed to get a doctors appointment and she will get there, and so on. On the otherhand, I only hear from my wife when I first text her or there is a problem. I just do not feel any love or effection from her. Even when I get home after a long day at work and travelling, no words are spoken unless I say something. No how are you, how was your day or even kiss my arse. I feel I have wasted the last 4 years of my life and all what I am good for is just the financial support.
Enough going on now, I will keep you updated about my concelling session....I feel nerveous about it but it have to be done.
Bye for now.
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reader, Sam999 +, writes (16 July 2008):
Sam999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all of you who replied and suggested approaches. I texted both of them about the way I feel from the train to work. Guess what I got when I got home. My daughter talks to me, my wife sends me to coventry (for people not to used to this english frase, it means the silent treatment - because noone wants to go to the city of coventry). As my 49th birthday is in a couple of weeks, I told everyone in the household that the only birthday I realy wanted is to sort out this problem. My wife's answer is I will not talk to your daughter. I would love to take the advice of the anonymous female to leave for a couple of days. But I dont think it will be fare on my daughter as she only has me. Her and I have no relatives whatsoever whereas my wife has her family. So, this option is out of the question. I will be searching for a family councilor to try to get both of them together with a professional mediator to get to the bottom of it. My wife does not allow for the fact that my daughter is still a minor. She thinks that by trying a couple of times with her in the past, this justifies her stuborness.
My wife at the moment has a cob on because my daughter came down in the middle of the night to have a drink as she was not feeling well and she drank my step sons school drink. Neither me or my wife have actually told my daughter that the drink was my sonns school drink. Of course my wife hit the roof and started going on about that I should tell her off and that she did it on purpose failing to see that when kids want a drink they can get it without asking and that my daughter did not know about the school drink. Yet another example of stress and misery over spilt milk.
Oh God, I feel like just ending it as I can no longer take much.
I will keep you updated and thanks for your contribution and reading this.
Take care.
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reader, stuckinthemiddle81  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 I agree with birdy. You should let your wife and daughter read your entry--if not read this one, write a list of the samethings you told us and have all four of you sit together at home and read them your list/letter of the things that drive you nuts. Now one of my concerns that I would bring up in your list/letter that you read out to them is how is this affecting your quiet and well mannered stepson? Your wife and daughter are truly selfish in not considering the other parties feelings: your son and you. When I was about your stepson's age, my sister and mom never got along and I was the "quiet, well-mannered" daughter who put up with everything in my own way...being quiet and harboring anger and keeping to myself. As I grew older I was lucky to have good therapist to help me express myself to others and at times as an adult, is still difficult). I hope you all get things settled and calm. But please, don't leave your son alone, he is only ten and he can not deal with them on his own.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Hi
End of the road? i think your wife and daughter may be best at trying ( this will sound odd) to be friends before step mom and step daughter ( roles! can make resentment come out). I think the side taking is an issue here too would only back somebody up if they are right, i would never back up a wrong just because they are daughter or wife ( not saying you do) but this is when confusion comes in and resentment. The reason i say this is i remember my mom and dad trying to keep the peace between us two sisters, they never took either side ( but i knew they knew the truth about a certain situation ) and in the end a family fallout developed because nobody spoke the truth. For three years no speaking and sadly this could have been avoided if they had spoke up at the time. All RESOLVED NOW. i hope this makes a little sense to you, if your wife is wrong i would back your daughter up in front of her and vice verse. They probably have even forgotten what their original reason for falling out was and have developed this way of relating to each other. And yes teenage girls are hard work but maybe in an ideal world this could happen.....st.mom asks growing up st.daughter if she would like to go girl shopping for an outfit, step mom ASKS teenage D, if she would be willing to go on a night out (a fun night karaoke, dance etc. Then while shopping go for lunch?????
If they both forget their ROLES and detach and try from scratch to develop a new ROLE EACH it could change. RESPECT is a big issue and it must come from st.mom as well as ST.D. And it would be best coming from step mom first and if she is not willing to make the first you have a big problem. You should never ever have to choose and maybe if they are both fixed then it's time to tell them both what hurt they are causing you, then go on that holiday but on your own ,seriously it may be needed and may let them realize you will not tolerate this anylonger. I hope things do resolve, i am adapting to been a step mom of four children ( adult ) im not much older but we all seem to be okay, i know my best role is their friend so i call myself wicked step mom and they laugh. Try not to be in the middle, take sides if you have too, nothing wrong with truth. Good Luck and if not bon voyage!
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 If I were you, I'd allow them to read this letter. They are both so self-involved, they probably don't have a clue that you feel this way about the situation. You should probably consider family counseling from the sounds of it. This situation seems to be making just about everyone in the family miserable. Your wife needs to see that she is the adult in the situation and figure out a way to deal with your child the same way that you have adapted to having a new stepson. And your daughter needs to see that her teenage mood swings are affecting your new marriage. Considering this is a relatively new blended family, you might find it all easier having a neutral third party to mediate the whole situation. I'm sorry you are so miserable and I hope this might be something to consider doing to get this all back on track, Hun. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): well atleast from where im standing your a sweet devoted father and a loyal loving husband,most fathers would take his daughters side as i have seen this loads of times as it is used as emotional blackmail,tell them both it either stops now and they sort it out or you will leave them both,if they dont believe you,book a few days away for yourself and lets see how quick they resolve their disagreement,when they realise what they have lost
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