A
male
age
30-35,
*icz
writes: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now and we are still and I hope will always be together. I actually am wanting to marry her some day. In the beginning through general conversion we found out something about each other such as how many sexual partners we have had and what we have done in the past. I truly regret asking and finding out the answers. She told me her number was 35, she has cheated allot in the past and she had a MMF threesome. At the time I was shocked and surprised but for some reason I didn't really pay any mind to it. Not until a few months into our relationship the thoughts of her cheating came to mind and drove me crazy, but I'm now over it. The sexual partner count is crazy high but I still find myself dealing with that ok. It still messes me up though....... What I find that is really driving me insane is the fact she had a MMF threesome back in high school... I find myself always picturing the worst images. Although my girlfriend doesn't want to talk about it, we end up talking anyway. I ask her questions like. Did you enjoy it, was there a DP, did you go down on one while the other was in your vagina, how long was it? stuff like that..... She tells me that it was brief, it was weird, and when it came time to answer the question about going down on one guy when the other was in her vagina, she said she cant remember and she would like to think she didn't and pretty sure it was a no. To me this seems a little BS about the entire thing. How can you just forget something like that? How am I supposed to deal with and forget all this stuff from her past? Please please help me with this.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Yes, she does seem evasive about the threesome and no, I don't believe she forgot all the details either, unless she was extremely drunk or on something during it. That likely isn't the case as she would have immediately seized it as an excuse not to talk about it.
This tells me that she is clearly uncomfortable providing an account of her sexual past in mind numbing detail for your examination. Either she enjoyed the encounter and feels guilty admitting it, or she did not enjoy it and doesn't want to relive it, or she has no strong feelings about it one way or the other, but knows you do and sees your questions as spring loaded traps. Which they are.
She is not obliged to discuss it with you. The more you know, the worse you'll feel and frankly, it isn't any of your business.
Instead of delving into her past, you should delve into your own mind and ask yourself what it is about this threesome that bothers you so much. Is it moral outrage? Envy? Trust issues? A combination of the above? Something else entirely? People will assume it's moral outrage or retroactive jealousy and label you accordingly, but you must keep an open mind.
It is important to remember that it is not only she who must earn your trust but you who must earn hers. You knew she was uncomfortable discussing her experiences, yet you continue to press her for details. How is she supposed to feel safe with you?
There are plenty of men out there for whom this won't be an obstacle, who won't interrogate her, and won't encourage her to hate herself. And yes, there are also loads of men like yourself for whom it will be an issue. The point is, neither of you is stuck with the other.
Yos, an uncle on this site, has a lot of helpful advice on how to deal with this. I suggest you check his profile and click on some of his links. Here is a link to it.
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): "Everyone did crazy sht as a teen, right?"
Everyone except for the huge number of people who didn't.
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A
female
reader, demeplev  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 Well my answer and advice is always, never ask a question if you don't want or cant handle the answer..It's in the past and if you are in love and this she is right for you and she as a young adult now realizes that cheating is not an option then leave it alone, so many men have awful sexual histories if us women got upset over mens history we would all be lesbians..lol its in the past let it go, love trumps sex anyday of the week. Good luck. Peace and love
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): I dont think 3some is a big issue, especially when she was so young, everybody did sth crazy when they were teenager, right? h'ever, Im a bit concerned that she had cheated for many times. Be careful, this can be a habbit, not easy to quit. So I suggest you to observe her more and if shes very mature, she knows what she wants, and she have both chemistry and rational reasons to stay with you. then i think forget all her past wd be a smart choice.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 Water over the dam,be thankful you have a girl at all.
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A
male
reader, redroute1 +, writes (27 September 2012):
Do you love her? If you have decided to be with her, then you need to focus on the good aspects of your relationship and not the past. IF however you are still in the vetting process, then I would definitely not let it go any further until you have decided one way or the other. Also, you should be a gentleman at all costs...let her know how you are feeling and that you are not going any further until you have figured this out. Peace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): I think if it's something that is bothering you now, imagine how you're going to feel about it as time progresses and you start to get even more serious and care about her even more. If it's something you can't resolve now it will only get worse. You might start thinking about it everytime you have sex, everytime she just "hangs out" with another guy or is awasy from you for a certain amount of time. Also how does she act when you talk about it? Is she really cool about it, kind of blowing it off or is it something she feels really regretful about? 35 partners is a lot, and it sounds to me that she either had or has a problem or she allowed a lot of men to take advantage of her because she couldn't say no. It all depends on how flexible and forgiving you are. It might be good to let her know you need some time to think about it all. Also if I were you I'd demand and STD test, lots of nasty stuff going around now a days!
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 Personally i think that the past is best left in the past. If you want this relationship to progress you have got to let go of things that happened long before you met. We have all got a past in some form or another no matter who we are. If you keep dwelling on something that she did back in high school, or how many sexual partners she has had you are going to end up driving yourself up the wall, and your realtionship will be affected too. I know its hard, but you have got to start looking forward in this relationship and not back.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (27 September 2012):
You can only consider the slate clean from the time she met you. Be honest with yourself about how much you like her. And trust your instincts about whether it is right for you to be together.
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