A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:I have never met this kind of person in my life. Neither have any of my friends and family. In China, my wife wasn't as abusive as she has become here. A brief history of me: I left Australia to be with her for two years over there and we went through a lot fo ups and downs as I often switched from job to job. Sometimes it wasn't my fault but there wasn't a lot of job security and she had to help out with the rent until I got paid paid at the end of the month) and then paid her back. You can read the reams of questions from the past 2 years if you really want to know more. Suffice to say, that here in Australia she talks so badly to me. I have been struggling the past 8 months employment-wise. I'll give you the long story of it all. We arrived last October and by December we got married out here and found her a job pretty quickly. We moved to Sydney from my parents' home down south around Jan this year. I picked up work in the passenger terminals for the cruise ships and then started work for a liquor store. I found a job in the competing company for supermarket management training (night management) but one of the bosses was verbally abusing me and made it clear he was going to get rid of me by picking on every single mistake. He succeeded. The store manager fired me during the probation just two months in. Glad to see the back of that job but now it is getting hard! I have been without work for two months. This evening my wife just lost it. Spewed forth all this hate at me. The life I have given her is pretty ordinary. I live off government welfare and soon my casual job will kick in. We rent a bedroom in an old apartment shared with two others (including the owner). She has saved a substantial amount through cash in the hand meanwhile I have used my income to finance buying some nice things for the home, paying the rent, mobile phone bills and health insurance. Financially it is hard. Her contribution was to buy the car and pay for things for the home also. Here is what she said tonight: you never do anything good for me, sh*t life here, (well let's cook it the way you do it - in reference to the fish I bought), you just f*ing sit here and look at my sh*t life, (long pause), I cannot eat, (even longer pause), (I'm going to go make the dinner ok?), I just seen it after you make it I feel f*ing disgusting f*ing take 2 hours to f*ing to get the f*ing sh*t stuff I don't like it, (it won't be sh*t food, it will be something like you make...it will be the way you make it...last time you said you liked it), I don't like it ok? you keep no job no job no job for all of your life, I don't want to marry a man with no job all time, well what's wrong with you ok?, that's not wish, since China you keep being fired one month or two months fired fired fired, something sh*t with you, (I try to reason), I just don't like your dinner, I can't stand the sh*t anymore, I can't stand you, I can't how hurt it is, I can't stand the sh*t anymore, f*ing sh*t I don't care how much you love me, I just want you go find a job, that's important, (yes that's important), I don't care how much you hug me tell me you love me kiss me or f*ing I f*ing don't want to kiss your eye (something she has a habit of doing), I need you find a job, (I want that too), you want what? (I know I'm not full time), [shouts over me] you never ... everyday print stay at home [sarcastically in a dopey voice] Ooooh I'm looking for job, Oh you looking for job, I'm tired to heard that, I'm tired of to heard that, listen you cook your things I cook mine ok?, (OK), sh*t, you are sh*t Matthew, you are sh*t in my heart, I know I'm abuse you but you are, sh*t in my heart [said with so much hate], you are sh*t, (trying to reason, I said 'I know you don't mean it, you are just hurt), you f*ing not a man, oh you kissing me and loving me and cook the food, I don't care about that sh*t things, you go to the street and begging or beg for a job, I don't care what you did, you're sh*t, relying on the government, you are not a man, sh*t, (I'll be back working for xxx in a few days and next week they promised more hours!), yeah that's your life, all of your life sales in a shop like a ..., sigh, worst time in my life, now I have this hard life, sh*t, (this is just as hard for me too, this is the worst I have had to go through), I don't care about you I don't care about you, (whisper...don't care about me...loud sigh of defeat), stupid things are the only way you can make me laugh, you do stupid things to make me laugh, you don't really make me happy, you don't know how to make your woman happy DID YOU?, did you make your woman happy?(I say not yet in defeat), I don't want to ask for rich I just want to be normal, to have a normal life I'm sh*t life here sh*t, sh*t, believe it or not you are a loser at this moment, I don't have a wish on you, no wish no hope, dear think about it if your country don't have some f*ing money from the government how would you survive? How can you f*ing survive? I can't be a guide because of my f*ing throat which was destroyed from all the yelling at you in China, I will be like my friend and need an operation because I keep talking and talking [I'd like to know how her friend got her bad throat then!!], why don't you go stay with your mum for one month, (but I need to work up here in Sydney!), leave me alone [irritated], I hate you....she rants about me not touching the f*ing things and she'll do it herself, (exasperated, I say ok), I sigh and leave the room. She follows me out and makes the dinner with my help. At the dinner table she says use your f*ing brain about me heating the soup in the pan and not with the microwave. She then proceeds to look at me funny while we are eating and talks about me doing some other type of work and that she asked her friend about me becoming a taxi driver... then I reminded her about the dangers and she said she didn't want to see her baby being hurt even if we divorced. The abuse stopped after a bit, we showered together. She talked to her friends and then called me over from the computer to kiss my eyes and hug me saying she loved me. She then made the comment about maybe being bipolar. I had already sent an email to my mate back in China asking if I can crash at his house if I decide to go back to China alone to teach. I've been planning a life without her piece by piece. If she had stopped this crazy making drama, I'd have more hours to spend on looking for work. I just want to be left alone! Not having her chatting to some bloke and having me erronously believing he is influencing her. Her behaviour is becoming more and more erratic and nasty. It is hell to live with her abuse. I'm reading a book called "Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I think she needs therapy and I need to put my foot down and start respecting my boundaries. AND FIND WORK!She also blames her sore throat on me and says that all the yelling in China ruined her throat and future as a guide. And that she can never forgive me.Everything is projected onto me to the point where I've assumed the role of provider and abuse victim. I want to get away from all the troubles.Someone on another site said the following:Just as an FYI, your other questions cannot be viewed, they're marked as private. As for your situation, it sounds like your wife is scared. It sounds like she's afraid of the lack of security, and is lashing out in anger, at the frustration and helplessness of it all. Keep in mind that she has no support network over here, (I'm assuming) as her family and friends are back in China. She must find it very lonely and very different. It also sounds like she's losing respect for you. I'm not sure what her expectations were, but this rough patch probably wasn't featured heavily in your plans. If she's left everything behind in china to come over here for the chance at a new and different life with you, and everything has just gone pear-shaped, she's probably just miserable. Maybe it's time to consider more options. If there's no work locally, maybe a move would take you somewhere with more opportunities. Having a plan, and being pro-active, might give you both some hope. Encourage her to seek out new connections, socially. Maybe see if there's a Chinese expat group that meets in your local area, etc. At the end of the day, as tough as stuff is, you'd hope that once her moment of venting is over, she'll go back to supporting you. I wish you both, lots of luck.
View related questions:
divorce, her ex, kissing, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (27 June 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy Thankyou for your straight input. You have spelt it put as clear as day. I am introspective more than I should be. Yes I thought for a second about the recurring pattern and you are right again about shifting blame too much.Being a taxi driver? I had asked the same question 2 months ago when talking to a work colleague and he said he did the training and it takes around 6 months. I was thinking that I need money NOW not at the end of the year. I am working a casual job at this moment.Drive, determination and backbone? Does applying online, making phone calls and constantly going out into the city to drop resumes for jobs, cold-calling and attending recruitment agencies account for anything?I was attacked for being seen applying every day but actually that is how to land a job right?2 weeks ago I completed work experience in a pathology lab. I'm still applying for work all over Australia! I have been shortlisted on a couple of full time jobs.See the thing is it TAKES TIME. Interviews and hiring aren't instant unfortunately or I would have skipped the shortlists and been hired immediately right?Yes again to how you so perfectly described our conditions here at present. Which makes me wonder why on earth I would want to drag someone through this. To be perfectly honest, I feel incredibly selfish and should have left her at home to stay with family and called her out. That's what a mature man does for the family right?So, I absolutely stand up and accept responsibility for what has happened. It is a matter of setting aside wounded pride for a while to get on with building up the future. A string of failures doesn't equate to success career-wise.One thing I have planned for the new year is to study a GradDipED. With that I can continue my teaching and science teachers are in demand.So I do have goals. I just chose to come on here while my thoughts were in disarray from arguments. Not a nice thing to do because what I have done is leaned on others and transferred my problems to them. That's not being a man and it is definitely being toxic.But Cindy you are right about EVERYTHING! I can't thank you enough for giving me the chance to quickly forget my ego and confusion for a moment and see it from both sides.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): "Still searching for answers....why is my wife like this now we have moved to Australia?"Because she is an abuser and a controller whom you have allowed to continuously abuse and control you by acting like a spineless doormat.You are "still searching for answers" because the same advice aunts and uncles like Cindy and Tisha repeatedly offer every frigging time you post the same sob story is the one answer YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR which is the harsh cold unvarnished truth: your wife is an abuser and a controller whom you have allowed to continuously abuse and control you by acting like a spineless doormat, and the only answer is to dump her, which in Cindy's accurate assessment is the one thing you will never do, as you obviously prefer instead to wait until doomsday for your viperous wife to magically "change" into something remotely resembling a loving, caring human being. Ain't never gonna happen.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): You are in Australia and you are from Australia.So you can settle anywhere you like. But if you settled on the Eastern side of Australia then you have not done your homeworkWestern Australia is desperate for staff for the boom in Mining in that state. There are web sites bursting with employers totally desperate for new employees and the wages are huge.Not true what you said about taxi driving. Getting a taxi job just means a short period of training. Then police checks to ensure customers will be safe with you.Only problem is that the pay is not great.Do you read the advice you are given?Are you depressed and is that the reason you cannot cope? You have access to excellent Medical care in Australia even if you do not have Health insurance. But you mentioned paying for private health insurance. So if you can get instant access to good counselling immediately. Perhaps counselling could explain why you continue to put up living with an extremely abusive cruel woman who seems to derive pleasure from humiliating you? If you can teach then go into teaching in Australia as it is Very Well Paid. And you get extended fully paid annual leave. Or go into contract lecturing in TAFE as the hourly paid teachers in TAFE are also paid well. You can even teach English in Australia - there are many TAFE run courses where you could teach..If you are multilingual (do you speak Mandarin or another Chinese language?) you can also get work translating documents into English in one of the Interpreting and translating centresI would blame you if you were completely Depressed by your situation. Get counselling for that - but getting divorced and creating a better life for yourself in Australia might be the best way to go forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 I remember quite well the reams of questions of the past 2 years, not word ny word, but the gist of it, but I wonder if you really do. She has always been abusive , at least from what you told us. Maybe in China she yelled less ( but it would not seem so, if she says she ruined her vocal chords for yelling at you ! )and she used less the F word, but she has always been vicious and psychologically and verbally abusive to you.
Why did you expect that something which started out bad, and went on worse, and worse again , should make a back flip just because you changed country, it's beyond me, but ... now here you are, no point cryng over spilt milk .
If you want to know WHY your wife freaks out on you, I have an idea. Regardless whether she is bipolar or not. Because you always had a high conflictuality and a low compatibility - and I suspect not all that great devotion at least from her side, but probably she naively thought moving to Australia was the golden chance, an occasion to get a better life, with more comfort, more financial security, more social prestige, more new and exciting things to do... and look at her now. I feel no particular empathy for your wife, she sounds like quite a handful for any man, but , tbh, yes : look at her now : stuck in Australia ( is she even legal there ? ) no family, no friends, no social life, always struggling for money, without a proper place to call home, no chance to go back to what she is trained for ( tour guide ) , with a perennially unemployed husband that she has no respect for and tries to make up with annoying ( for her ) attentions for not being able to provide at least some of the things she expected and cared about. A dull, drab life. I don't condone her verbal abuse and the way she bosses you around, but ... to be frank, she does not sound so kookoo for screaming. In her shoes, maybe I'd scream too. She screams because she is very unhappy and scared and does not know how to get out of the mess in which she put herself in.
What to do ? I am tempted to say, give up, better late than never, just wish her well , buy her a one way ticket , put her on the first plane to China , and see if from now on you can live a life and relationships based on real feelings and not on codependence , or the sum of two neurosis. You are hurting each other, and eroding each other's pride and sense of self, and sooner or later that will have to stop , so better sooner than later, sooner like NOW. Just go help her pack her suitcase and go book that flight, you'll both will finally have a chance to live in peace and dignity.
But, I am sure you would not even consider this advice , in the name of love, at least love the way you two mean it , so I have a default strategy : why don't you actually do what she says, i.e. putting ALL your heart ,time and effort in finding a new job, and in sticking to it once you've found it ?
You are very introspective, you mull over things quite a bit, and you are very detailed and circumstantiated in referring the cases of your life, but I have noticed that most of them all end the same way : it's always someone else's fault. Your bitchy wife, a demanding boss, a not congenial work environment, .... you are always a victim of circumstamces.
Why instead not to try and man up, and rise to the circumstances ? why not to put yourself precise work objectives , rather than just winging it and playing it by ear, and show drive, backbone and determination ?...
Who knows, maybe if you do improve your work and money perspectives, the relationship with your wife will improve too- because after all that's her main complaint. But even if it does not, well, you have got nothing to lose and all to earn anyway, you need to build your future nor just for her, but for yourself first of all !
P.S. Out of interest, what's wrong with being a cabdriver and why would it be so dangerous in Australia ? I mean, every job implies professional risks, but even in " bad " places ( New York, Los Angeles... ) the percentage of cabdrivers who get to die peacefully in their beds is still very high....
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Why are you still with this abusive woman? Seriously, you are in an abusive marriage and the only way to solve this is to GET OUT NOW. You've asked reams of questions and basically ignored most of the advice, which was to leave her.
For the sake of your health and your sanity, you need to be brave and exit the marriage.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
If you run your wife and this abusive relationship through that link (copy/paste it to get the whole link), you'll see that this is just bad news. You're with an abusive person who will not get help. Which means, you have to help yourself, and help yourself right out the door and into a safe place, far away from her.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (26 June 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo she isn't using drugs.Her words are usually the same things about how fed up she is. I'm confused and hurt. But worst of all is that i regret getting married. Right now I regret going to China for her.Words cannot describe her treatment of me. Telling me everything I do for her is sh*t when clearly it isn't. Using words like telling me to disappear for a month. Seriously I have made plans for the future without her. Tue damage is done and I have grown tired of the constant put downs and being told I am to blame for her life.It sounds more and more like she hates my personality and who I am (work or no work). I feel like I am not normal and can't be like the other young people out there that are funny and unique. That's why I want to set her free to find aan who is already working, is young and can laugh and joke with her.Nevermind how much I sacrificed to bring her here and how much I cared. Let this serve as a warning to all young people. Never move to another country or make a big sacrifice in your life for the sake of another person.Anyway, the feeling of not measuring up to other men is something I have to face. It is hardest because I have to look at the woman who chose to marry me and see her talking to another man online and then running me into the ground. I'm always not good enough.What I also don't understand is her sharing so much with her high school friend. They started daily communications online about their movie choices. They discuss a lot.That is discussion that should have been reserved for me!I still strongly believe that she should have made more of an effort to spend time with me! I have been back here for 8 months and in reality life hasn't been that tough. It has been comfortable. Yes we are just existing right now but so what? I argue that I have been trying to find work.So to have her so cruelly turn on me and tell me she has had enough and doesn't care about my expressions of love anymore has left me void. Being told I am nothing to her has made me give up. No amount of her trying to help me and bring nice afterwards can erase the words. Being nothing in her heart....I wonder why I sacrificed so much?? Why did I bring her here?I want to send her away. I can't see any good anymore. I feel really really bad and like I am not normal and that she deserves the man that can make her laugh and give her a good time. That man is apparently not me.This serves as another valuable lesson. Love is not enough. Trying to joke and trying to make the most of an unfortunate situation means nothing. All the love is dead between us and I have been dragging it out instead of sending her back home.She hasn't expressed the desire to leave me or the desire to go back home right now. But has indicated that she wants to consider it in the future. For now she says that this time is the most difficult time for her. Understanding it from her perspective, I can imagine she feels beyond hurt at my lack of employment.I seem to have my head stuck in the clouds and I have no clue as to how to be a man. A man provides for his wife right? Doesn't he also deserve respect though? When I was working full time, we still got into fights that involved her ripping a work shirt off my back, hitting me and throwing drink on me.The abuse has worn thin on me. Now after enduring all that, she wants to kick me away. Go figure.I had lots of great plans for the future. They all involved a supportive wife. Not one that says I'm nothing to her in her heart.Thanks to that, I am confused if I should continue on here in Australia or if I should head back to China to make a career out of teaching.Clearly I'm not responsible enough to settle down and have a family!Even I can't see a clear path for my career here in Australia. I thought my biotech degree and experiences would be enough. I'm 29 soon. Do you think the lack of full time work history works against me?What little thread of hope do I hang onto? My wife's admission that it is hard for us both at this time to suffer through this. But I wonder what is going to happen if I had a job and we had a house? I figure she would also be bored and feel like she is just existing. Her response is to say that she would go travelling. So much for going together as a couple. Everything is so abnormal about her that it doesn't make sense. She is bored of life? Why is she so easily bored? Why does she need the constant attention and stimulation?She once told me she wants to stay at home and relax. Well, I thought that would be good. But she sees her guide friends all going to different countries and wants to join them. I knew that she wouldn't be the type of person to stay at home. I don't get her short attention span and inability to grow up and be mature!!Part of being mature means working or staying at home to support your husband. The warning signals are loud and clear. Once I am mortgaged to the hilt, how are we going to spare the cash for travel? Then we will go back to just surviving until my career pays enough to do more. That's called sacrifice. Your partner then becomes your ally as there isn't anything else you can do.Her disgusting behaviour and refusal to stand by me has left me feeling like she never had any intention of just sticking to me and making the most of it. She has never been able to stomach her partner being unemployed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): Could your wife be using an illicit drug like methamphetamine?
...............................
|
