A
female
age
41-50,
*ormentedgirl
writes:Hello beautiful people, please help me to see the truth, here is my problem……I am divorced for one year but still living with my husband. We have been unhappily married for 3 years. It’s a camaraderie relationship with no other feelings involved. We are here cos we are too scared to draw the line and move on. Shall I say I am too scared to draw th eline and move on , because I don’t feel very safe in London, since I am from another country. During these last years I’ve been dating this guy who knows all my hardship and problems and nevertheless understood and supported me all the way. We broke up 1 year ago mainly cos I didn’t see any future with him, he was devastated. But recently we got back together. I lied to him told him I am living on my own now. We says he always loved me and he is happy I came back to him and he sees a future with me and he needs me because of all the personality traits that he admired in me etc, my courage and how I am etc and that he is still in love with me and has no problems reassuring me and having me gaining complete trust in him. And always asking ………….when can he come to my place and spend some proper time together?I want to move out of my ex-husband’s place - thankfully he has no problem with this but I would love to live with my boyfriend. My ex-husband assumes I will be living with my bf anyway. My boyfriend knows I am still in touch with my ex-husband but only because he helps me with the rent and because my ex is the only person that I can rely on - financially in London. He also knows I want to draw the line and move somewhere else to cut all the ropes with my ex.My bf knows I am scared on going on my own and I’ve been dropping the subtlest hints that I wouldn’t say no to living together, however he says I should not worry and take my moving away in small steps and he is going to be there for me no matter what and support me. He is assuming and even said he hopes to spend a lot more time with me at my new place once I move away, he lives with his mum now and its hard for us to go to his place. He never suggested moving in together . The way I’m putting my move across to him is that I’m thinking maturely and that my move and the relationship with him are two different things and he agrees with my point. But he also says he wants be with me forever and ever. I think if he wants to come stay with me at my place he should also take some of the responsibility and help with the expenses etc. But do you think he wants the best of two worlds, , an unstressful relationship for him? Since he has a safe place at him mum’s…. Can I push it to move in together\…? Does the fact that he didn’t jump in at the opportunity means that he is not that ready to be with me all the time or that he doesn’t really love as much as he says he does? I am 28 he is 27.……………………. Thankyou for taking the time to read all this, any replies are very appreciated
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broke up, divorce, got back together, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Escalaya  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 great to hear things are working out fine! Best of luck with the time before your wedding, and the wedding.
Take care, hun.
A
female
reader, Tormentedgirl +, writes (6 September 2007):
Tormentedgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question well he asked me to marry him. i'm over the moon i said yes but we'll do it after we have taken all the baby steps one by one and have been safely and happily together for one year. there is a silverlining...
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A
female
reader, Tormentedgirl +, writes (4 September 2007):
Tormentedgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you , somewhat anonymous. he got back to me with this solution: i find a place and move in. he is going to live with me 3-5 days a week and pay his share for those days. and see how we work out. he said its abit scary for him to go straight on living wiht me because what if we dont get along that good. and also he needs to help his mum to find a carer for his brother. he says he is looking forward to living wiht me with all that includes- cooking/taking care of the place/spending time together etc. then if it works out ok we find a bigger and better place that we can both afford tgether. i am happy with this outcome. because yeah i have to move on scary as it is and he lookslike he is supporting me as much as he can. me in heaven.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (4 September 2007):
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tormentedgirl +, writes (2 September 2007):
Tormentedgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a good job that allows me to pay my expenses. I also have saved the money I've got from my divorce. My bf lives with his mum because he is also a qualified nurse and he has an younger brother with a severe disability... I have asked him 2 days ago to move in together with me. He was shocked said he never thought i would suggest it never expected me to be that serious about it and he feels warmed and filled with happiness at the idea. He asked me for a week's thinking period before he gives me an answer as he never before thought about it, he says. NAming things like that makes them real and probably we are both scared of taking the bull by its horns and taking responsibility for being together. I hope he wants to move in with me straight away and that he doesnt need to wait a bit longer. I told him moving in is not for life and it's a good test to see wehter we are wasting our time together or are really suited for eachother, as we think we are...
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A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Thank you for your input, somewhat anonymous. You shed a positive light over my dilemma and that's nice since I am always prone to assume the worst things. Perhaps it's not the time yet to move in together, like you say. BUt we have been around eachother for the last 3 years and know eachother inside out, for me there isn't any element of risk atached to living with him. I am just terrified of lving onmy own, always have been, i dont know why. On the other hand it really makes sense for me to live on my own for a while. If he is taking advatage of that and is at my new place very often but doesnt suggest anything for 6 months or so, then i'll ask for clarifications. I think he is waiting for the taster of living with me before committing himself..?
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A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (31 August 2007):
I think the best idea is to first, be completely honest with him. Tell him you've lied, and you're currently still living with your ex; of course be sure to reassure him that it is COMPLETELY on a non-sexual/intimate basis, and you're living together for your reasons. Than, tell him you want to move in with him.Let's face it, guys are hard headed, god knows I am. I don't care HOW blunt a hint is, odds are is I don't get it. Heh, I remember when I was asked out to a dance, "Hey, you going to the dance with anyone?","Nope." and I walked away, lol.Anyways, If you want to be with him, be honest with him, and forward. Tell him what's up, don't rely on him to catch a hint.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (31 August 2007):
No matter what was said or how you two feel, this is pretty much a new beginning for you despite your past. It is probably too soon for you to move in together and perhaps he realizes that. Although it would make sense from a practical standpoint, you need to leave the ex husband and he should leave his mom's house by now. Why don't you just come out and ask him? If he thinks it is too soon, then you'll have to move to a place of your own. Many people live in London from other countries and bad things don't happen to them. Could you also find a place outside of London?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Good grief! If you are divorced you need to move out of your husband's home! Have you not been able to save some money since your divorce so that you will be in a good position to pay rent when you do move?As for moving in with your bf: NOT a good idea! Do not even hint to him that you want to. Especially since he has not suggested it himself. You don't want him to think you are expecting him to pay your expenses...... You need the independence of living on your own - or at least sharing a flat with another woman if you need help to pay rent.Your bf lives with his mother, and you were untruthful if you led him to believe you were not living with your ex-husband.Of course you can continue to see your bf once you have a place of your own. However, you should not look to him to support you financially. Once again, this is because you need to be able to support yourself before making a commitment to someone else.As you know, marriage is a HUGE commitment, and yours did not work out. Its important not to rush into anythiung such as a live-in situation with your bf.Do you work? Does your husband pay alimony to you?You'll be hearing from other aunts and uncles, I'm sure.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): If he hasent moved out from living with his mom by now at 27 he never will,as far as your concerned,abviously you dont have enough money to live by yourself, and neither does he! he may say he will sopport you (mentally) but I wouldent expect any money from him,he,s a dead beat!it sounds to me your both looking for a free ride from each other, Him! why buy the cow when im already getting free milk!
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