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age
51-59,
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writes: Hi everyone,I have been having relationship problems for just over 3 years now and have come to the conclusion that I could do with outsiders views and suggestions.OK here goes...My Husband(who i"d been with for 11 years) and I moved into our dream home and then a few months later he went cold and distant and then told me he was leaving me as he wasn"t happy which was a shock to the system.A couple off months later he eventually moved into a bedsit,leaving behind my son and I and our beautiful home.Cut a very long story short obviously I was devastated but eventually turned my life around,i redecorated to put my stamp on house,got a new job which is going great and then bought the ex out off the house so that my son could stay where he wanted to be as I didn"t want him going through anymore upset and pain like I was everyday.Then came the divorce-----I went to the solicitors and divorced him as I thought it was the only way to move on as I stilled loved him and missed him and there was no sign off him divorcing me.Anyway 3 years on and not a day has gone by when I don"t speak to him on the phone and I see him several times a week and am on occassions still intimate with him.I don"t know what to think,is he using me,does he still love me,does he regret leaving me,is it a case off don"t want you but don"t want no-one else to have you,does he just not know how to let go off past and put it behind him.Trouble is I think he still loves me but he just won"t open up and fully show his emotions but I know I still love him and don"t know what to do for the best.I know you must think I am crazy for feeling like this and being emotionally attached after 3 years but It won"t stop and I don"t know what to do.If anyone out there thinks they can advise me or helpme,believe me I would be really greatful as i"m stuck and don"t know what to do or how to do it without making wrong mistakes.Thanks everyone xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Hi -
Good for you for realizing that you need some outside help on this one! You seem like a very determined, strong, and independent woman. Being able to make the house your own, and keep a stable home for your child is awesome.
However, being in love with someone who isn't giving you what you need will just end in heartbreak. I speak from experience in almost the exact same situation as you are in. I truly feel that once you take care of YOURSELF first and spend Awesome fun time with your child, you will put your ex- on the backburner. Stop allowing him to take up space in your heart/mind.
He is a leech. It doesn't matter that he "can't show his emotion". That in itself is a powerful lesson right there. You deserve MORE. I truly think a good counsellor would be right for you. Or perhaps take a class with your little one - pottery, rock-climbing at the Y, etc.
Good luck - God Bless. Amateur Psychologist in Salem Oregon - who went through the same kind of thing as you.
A
male
reader, Uraz  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 He is such an irresponsible man as to leave you and yur SON behind suddenly and of course your dream home. Such a selfish or better low behaviour.
As you put your life in order he comes back to you for sex!!!
Well I dont think hes doing ok as compared to you.
I dont think theres any question he could or could not open up to you about his feelings after 11 long years of being together.
I think you are just alone and you are too nice and cant help to sleep with him.
Choice is yours hes just a thrash and he doesnt love you at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou everyone for taking the time to reply,its really appreciated.
Lonely---- just a few comments,my ex husband has suffered with depression and until he gets help mentally with issues then i dont know what i can do,he also had a very unloving,sad upbringing.Also when we do have sexual intamacy it is very passionate and he gets very loving and i totally have his attention but then eventually he goes back to his place and i am left wandering what that was all about.
Emily----Thanks for reply and I do think you are right,we are a couple without the title and yes you are right I have to tell him its all or nothing from now,bless ya!!!.
Deadeyedick-----Hi there,no I havent him if he loves me or what his fears are,maybe i should!!! its the fear factor i guess. He isnt with anyone else by the way either. ally und
Honest----I totally understand and thankyou for your comment and look forward to anymore advise
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): I think he is exploiting your weakness for him. He didnt want to be with you because it wasnt making him happy. So he left you, his son and his beautiful home.....to go live in a bedsit! He broke your heart. Took money from you for the house he had lumbered you with...when he should have told you to stay there and not worry about buying him out, atleast until your child was older. He couldnt even be bothered to end things properly with a divorce, he left you to clear up the mess and do it for him.
And you think he might still love you because you have contact and sex? Contact and sex doesnt equal love.
You may have repainted the house and got a new job but you havent really turned your life around. He sees this and is using you. If you feel stuck then stop having so much contact with him. Living with you wasnt making him happy, he said so. So maybe its time to try and move on. You deserve someone who can respect you and make you happy. Someone who you KNOW loves you, rather than an ex who you have to guess about! Dont waste anymore of your time, you are not getting any younger so find a man whos worthy of your love and loyalty
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (9 January 2010):
Well I think you have to decide what you want, and whether you want it from him, as you don't sound entirely clear.
Do you want a normal man in your life, who lives with you and loves you, OR do you want THIS man in your life in a less than usual circumstance.
You sound like he's pretty much your boyfriend at the moment, just without the title.
So you need to choose.
Tell him to leave you alone, so you can move on and find a man who will love you the way you want. He may decide at this point that he wants to be this man rather than lose you. He may not.
OR
Carry on as you are, have this close relationship and keep him around, possibly try and bring a little more intimacy into things. It may never happen.
Just make it your decision and then stick to it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Have You asked him if he still loves you? or what his thoughts are? I didnt see anywhere that you mention if youve actually discussed your feelings with him? Or if you know if he's with anybody else?
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (9 January 2010):
 I think it is time for you to move on. To me, it seems like the ex is toying with your feelings. You need to quit him cold turkey. Right now, he is able to have his cake and enjoy it too.
Here is what he is getting:
1. The freedom of being single with the benefits of marriage (sex)
2. He can come and go as he pleases
Though you are not getting younger, you still have a lot of life to live. Quit selling yourself short, and get out into the dating scene. As soon as you are finally rid of your ex, you well see how easy it is to forget about him.
Good luck!
Jeff
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