A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I posted on here in Feb 08 in respect of a problem I was having with my husband - and many thanks to the aunts and uncles who provided advice it was really comforting and helpful:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-my-husband-having-an-affair.htmlWe've stayed together after me finding out about a secret friendship with his assistant at work i.e. emails, texts, phone calls and personal conversations at work and on a residential course - all definitely took place. I have no actual proof of a physical affair and my husband has always strenuously denied this (although I am sure they all would :-) ) so I can't for sure say this happened. My gut instinct tells me it was more than friends (i.e. I really feel that he fell in love) but there is no way of proving this and I may be wrong.In the weeks that followed the discovery, naturally we had conversations/rows/screaming matches etc and my husband told me that if we weren't married and I wasn't pregnant, he'd would have left me, which he has never said or even considered (to my knowledge)before and we've been together for 16 years. Another occasion where I said I was leaving him and taking our child and our unborn baby, his only response was that he couldn't believe he'd broken his friend's confidence about her marital breakdown reasons. However, I also discovered during our conversations that my husband was suffering with depression. He mentioned he'd had suicidal thoughts and feelings of despair so I asked him to see his doctor and he was put onto anti-depressants for 5 months. He's off them now and almost back to his old self. During all this time, I was pregnant and we now have a healthy, happy baby who we both adore.During his depression and my pregnancy, we went to marriage counselling. For different reasons, we've both found this to be disappointing and after 8 sessions or so, we finished. I think he only did it for me (which is a positive) so he wasn't really looking to explore why this happened and I felt that the counsellor lumped together the 'friendship' and depression, which I thought were different issues and I couldn't understand why she could be so sure that this was the case without knowing everything that had gone on (although it is possible she could have been right). I was told to only discuss things for one hour a week outside of the counselling and not to ask 'why' questions as these couldn't be answered. So this was really frustrating. I backed off my husband due to his illness as I was getting nowhere. Now 8 months on, If I live in the moment, everything seems fine - marriage, happy children, co-worker has left for another job, and the promise of a future. However when I am on my own and think about the last year, I am finding it really difficult not having answers as to why he wanted to leave (he says depression and other than that he can't remember but IMO you'd still need reasons even if they are obscured by depression). Anything he said to me at the time about the 'friendship'/leaving me/me leaving he just says he can't remember due to the depression. So I feel like I am left with no reasons for all of this and nothing to protect us going forward. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore as it is in its box as far as he is concerned and I do recognise that I need to drop it if we are going to be happy going forward. But if I wake at night with the baby, this can all keep me awake and I'm uncertain that I believe his version of events and am I making a big mistake staying together when our foundations are shaky and I don't really trust him. I talked this over with a friend who said she thought I had if I want to remain married to him I have to drop it and move on. I'd like to hear from anyone who has been able to move on after similar circumstances (affair/depression) and how they did it. Or indeed any other advice you think applicable.Of course, any additional 'he's behaved like a pig' comments will make me smile :-)
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affair, at work, co-worker, confidence, fell in love, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Beery +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Personally, I feel he was manipulating you - and the doctor. It's all-too-easy to get a doctor to provide anti-depressants -and it's all-too-easy to plead 'Oh I only did it because I'm depressed' when a marriage is on the line. I mean who would leave a depressive guy - that woman would have to be a real bitch - right?
Okay, maybe I'm a cynic, but look, the fact is, if this guy did it once he'll probably do it again. Meanwhile, you're in a relationship with a guy who you really can't trust to stay faithful. You might be happy now, but what if you find, twenty years down the road, that you've wasted your life loving a guy who doesn't deserve you?
They may be few and far between, but there are guys out there who will respect their partner. My advice is to dump this loser and try to find one of those guys.
A
female
reader, Serenity1  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 I've actually been on both sides of the fence. The wife and the other woman. As the wife we have a womans intuition that tells us that our man is unfaithful, untrustful, etc. We know in our gut. And just listening to your story, if you don't trust him, this is not because you are paranoid, it's because you have a reason to be.
As the other woman of a man who wasn't married but had been with his gf for 15yrs on and off. I can honestly say that these commited men actually pursue other women in an aggressive manner. I had actually tried to break it off and this man consistently pursued me. So with that in mind my point is if he's a cheater, he's just a cheater. And I'd be willing to bet you if you found evidence of text, and phone calls they have made time to meet in person outside the job. If you want to stay with him don't nag him about, but don't be suprised if he gets bored with the family same oh same oh and cheats again. Once a cheater always a cheater. If they get away with it once they keep doing it. Depressed or not if he said he would leave you if it wasn't for the baby HE MEANT IT! When people are mad they say things they wouldn't if they weren't.
Protect yourself girlfriend don't put all your eggs in this basket. I know the moral thing would be to forgive and let it go, but if you still since that he's not all about you, then prepare yourself for him to be out of your life one day. That's the last thing I want to happen to you. He'll wait until it's convient for him and then leave, and most likely with another woman. My husband did it to me. Thats why your story sounds so familiar. He had been telling her that he felt trapped and all kinds of stuff that I had no idea he was feeling. I could keep going on and on...but I'm just going to say be careful...and remember you're just as important as he is...and he can be replaced.
Best Hopes
TF
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