A
male
age
51-59,
*talley
writes:I am in my second marriage now for 7 years as of February 2010. I am contemplating separation due to my stepdaughter and I don't feel as if I love my wife. My stepdaughter is 22 now. I came into her life when she was 15 and I sort of knew that this may be an issue but the wife assured me it would change. She has never wanted a relationship with me but I tried to let her know that I was not there to be a replacement for her dad (Who has never been in her life). However, she has always avoided talking to me. She went away to college and stayed at her dorm but now she is back home. She has never had any chores and still does nothing. I talked to her and her mom about the fact that this was not normal and now she totally avoids me. I do most of the cleaning and lawn work. The wife cooks sometimes and does laundry sometimes which I always tell her is appreciated. I am not someone who expects these things. I only expect equal sharing but I think they take things for granted in knowing I will do things because I want things clean. Not spotless but presentable. I have never tried to chastise her but would tell her mom when there is an issue. This has taken a toll. I have told her mother that I can not continue to live in a house where someone acts as if I did something to her and treats me like the enemy. I sort of blame the spouse for these issues because she could have laid down the law a long time ago and even now. I have decided nothing will change and I am not sure how long the Stepdaughter will be there since she can't find a job. I have been looking at apartments but the home is in my name and I can't sell it due to being below market value. However, I am at the point of just walking away. I just want to make the right decision before totally throwing in the towel. Any help is greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (4 July 2010):
 I can see you're still suffering because of the step daughter.
Sadly, some children have an attitude of entitlement. That is they're entitled to free room, board, food, clothes, cars, and all of it at the expense of parents and step-parents.
Obviously your wife can see you have no interest in remaining in a situation like this. She's going to stick with her daughter no matter how wrong the daughter is in her treatment of you.
The lack of gratitude that you've described at best tells me that the daughter will sponge off of you, her mom and the next man that enters her mom's life.
Sadly, had she been forced to leave the home at age 18 and get her own life organized, and stay out of your domestic situation, your marriage might still be good.
Obviously your wife seems to think that as the provider, you take 2nd place behind an adult daughter.
When your wife took her vows, she vowed not to let any other person rend your marriage asunder. Obviously she has let her daughter do that, and a very nice job of it too.
A
male
reader, sudarn  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Dear Sir,
If you have tried, very well. At the end of the day, any family is a team work. Others also have to try.
All said and done, the Philosophy is "do your best, and be prepared for the worst".
All the best for your future life.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody can say you haven't tried, by the look of things. The daughter must have felt encouraged if it was 2:1, was it. I assume the situation would have been very different if the wife had taken a more firm stand here. Talk about bringing more grist to somebody's mill. What a difficult child. But let's look at it this way: every end is a new beginning. There IS a life after divorce, though some work will have to be done on recovery. I'm sure you will be fine.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Dtalley +, writes (23 June 2010):
Dtalley is verified as being by the original poster of the question First of all...Thanks for all the advice! It is appreciated. I am still in the same situation however, I have filed divorce papers and I am selling my house. I tried talking to my wife and step daughter but the step daughter started REALLY avoiding me because she said she did not want a confrontation. Although I know my wife cares, I am not willing to stay married. My wife told me the step daughter was not going any where once I told her that she should move to her grand parents house if she did not like me that much. I know they will not leave and as long as I keep the house that will be the way it is. So although I wish things would change I know they will not. Therefore, I must make a choice. I think kids these days are pretty selfish and self serving. Not all kids but most. This is my house and I pay the bills. MY SD has never done ANYTHING since she has lived in the house. NOTHING. She does not even clean her room. Walks around with an attitude most of the time like she owns the place. For someone to give advice that I am to bend over backwards (Which I have) is just absurd.
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A
male
reader, sudarn +, writes (22 June 2010):
Dear Sir,
Marriages may be made in heaven but life can be a heaven only by our actions. The step daughter may seem to be insensitive, but only chores & other materials do not make any person happy in life.
You sir, also needed to be more considerate. At 15, I would say she was still a child. Your own words "I tried to let her know that I was not there to be a replacement for her dad (Who has never been in her life)....." shows your feelings for her were not really there. This for me is not appropriate.
Everyone needs love, Security and affection in life. But we all forget the best way to get these is to give all these to our near ones and make them our dear ones. Even now, forget about the chores and other things. Interact with your step daughter directly. All the three of you start some activity together. Try it again and again with true feelings. Try to feel she is your own daughter.
Breaking a relationship is very easy. However building is not. Breaking never gives happiness. Building does.
I know, you will succeed. Because you really can.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 God, Generation Y are such a bunch of sponging little creeps. Mum and Dad pay for their education and then they still continue scabbing a lifestyle off of their parents, or step-parents in your case. I'd just be telling your wife in no uncertain terms that you want the daughter out of YOUR house. If the wife fires up and says she'll leave too if you make the daughter get out, well so be it, call her bluff. I think you'll find the idea of paying their own way in the world may give them a fright. And I wouldn't be relaxing your attitude and accepting an "Oh, I'll change" from the daughter either. I'd just be getting the poisonous little sponge out of your house.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 September 2009):
Looking at this rationally, this is going to take a great deal of work not on your part, not on your wife's part but your step-daughter's part.
It seems to me that your step-daughter has formed, in her mind, a hatred towards you which no one will ever understand until she's called to the mat on this.
She's 22 years old. This is the time where you have to look at your wife and tell her how you feel deep down about this.
Simply put, you have to tell your wife that this is affecting your marriage and that its making you want to stop loving her because of her daughter's attitude towards you.
Tell her that you care, that you want to continue loving her; and that you've made sacrifices for all three of you as a "family". But, you have to make it clear that you are not required to sacrifice your emotional well-being and happiness for a pouting, self-absorbed, hateful little girl in a 22 year old woman's body.
The step-daughter is an adult now. If she can't start acting civil towards you, treating you as an important part of her mother's life, then she needs to get kicked out of YOUR house. That's right. YOUR house.
If your wife refuses to sit down and tell her daughter that she's punished you enough, then I suggest you find an apartment, sign a lease, and put them in the apartment, not you.
Let them live together alone, and you go and get a divorce.
This way, you can find a woman who will not let someone else interfere with your love life. Its that simple.
So far it seems from everything that you've said, that your wife has made no efforts to control her daughter's emotional dagger throwing, none of which appears justified here.
She has tolerated it, and because you care about your wife and her daughter, you've tolerated it.
But that doesn't mean you have to go through this forever.
When the girl was 15, and she started acting this way towards you, her mother should have called her to the mat then and explained that people are entitled to all sorts of love, not just being "mommy and me".
You're living in an emotionally unhealthy environment. Even with the child gone to college, it obviously has left its mark on your marriage and damaged it.
The sooner your wife figures this out, and the sooner her daughter realizes how much of it is HER fault, not yours or your wife's then maybe she'll grow up and learn to accept you finally. Or, she can move out; or the both of them can go hit the bricks and you move on with your life.
No man deserves to be hated in the retreat of his own home. That's a sin. The girl should know better now. Its her turn to make things right.
Otherwise, no amount of effort on your part is going to make your home happy.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (24 September 2009):
I bet it's not pleasant at all to have your step daughter treat you like this but I think you ought to consider first and primarily how you get along with the mother to make a final decision. The problem with the daughter comes second here, however nasty it may be, as I don't doubt you feel it is a hard situation for you just as you depict it but it doesn't sound hopeless either. And while it's not quite realistic to expect the daughter's hostility to drop over night, what should help you decide whether you should invest more effort and time here is the way your marriage has been until now, how you portray it hereafter judging by those 7 years, your wife could help you a lot by being a mediator, and even without your asking, if she has some authority over the daughter and provided they have not formed a coalition against you, willingly or not. It's a tough decision especially that you are at the second marriage so it must be hard to take a radical stand if you are forced to. Do what you must for your peace of mind long term. Maybe you can apply some of these great solutions from the posters below? I wonder if the daughter has been away to college until recently - some mothers will over pamper their children when these are rarely home, sometimes only during holidays. This, related to the fact you say the mother should have disciplined her a long time ago. I think you are right, what counts now though is how to deal what you have and not what should have been done unfortunately. I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I'm sorry you find yourself stuck in this position, but I think there are others measures you can take before calling it a day and leaving.
It seems like your wife's daughter still has a lot of growing up to do - especially as she is not treating you with respect. She should pull her weight and doing housework would be a sufficient enough responsibilty until she has a job to be able to give you rent money.
I don't know whether or not your wife works, but even if so, and you're both working, then yes the housework needs to be split equally THREE ways. It's not asking much and it's only fair.
Sit down with both of them and talk about the house work issue calmly and not in a demanding or angry tone because that may set off arguments. You're adults, so all three of you should be able to discuss this in an adult like manner.
If the housework problem and her daughter not co-operating with you is the only problem (thought it can become a big problem) in your marriage, then this can be fixed.
The housework issue can be solved easily if they both co- operate and all of you work out who does what and when. You may not be able to win her daughters friendship or for her to see you as a stepfather figure, but hopefully this may change in time when she is older and she can learn to accept that you're her stepfather for good and get on with you for at least your wife's sake. It could be something as simple as personality clashes.
Alternatively you could approach this subject when she is on her own and ask why, exactly, and ask if there's anything you have done or said that has caused her to act this way. If she's mature enough she will give you a reason, if there is one, and you can work from there. If she doesn't give you a straight answer, then all you do is to ask for her to be civil with you, especially as you're under the same roof. Once she moves out things may get better with the relationship between her and you, and you and your wife.
What was the relationship like between you and your wife whilst her daughter was at college? If there are problems that aren't related to her, and of course she can't be blamed for everything, then perhaps you could bring those up to when you two are alone and in a neutral mood? Could you both try marriage counselling? I think that could benefit both of you if there are issues that can't be solved by simply talking and listening to each other. There also may be things she doesn't like in your marriage that you haven't noticed, and vice versa.
It's your choice as to what path you want to approach, but I think it would be a shame to throw away a 7 year marriage without giving it your all and trying to fix it. Good luck and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): My counselor tells me that we have 3 choices:Stay and tolerateChange somethingLeaveTry changing the situation first. Maybe try family counseling. It sounds like you have quite an investment in the home you live in and perhaps your relationship as well.Sit with a neural third party and get all this stuff on the table. If stepdaughter throws a fit or wife is unreasonable, the counselor will be able to point out the behavior without taking sides. It can prove effective, offer clarity and maybe some solutions. Sounds like you will have difficulty doing this on your own because of your stepdaughter's uncooperative attitude.You will request this to your wife becauseYou want to make it workYou don't want to throw in the towelYou want to be a happy familyYou want to work at all getting alongYou want to improve the situationetc . . . .Why? Because you care. If you didn't care, you would walk away, but you are taking other people's lives into consideration. You may have to start therapy with you and your wife first. If you leave the house, it will be exactly what the stepdaughter wants. She will have mom ALL to her self again. No more sharing! Sounds a little self centered and little concern about her own mother's happiness, eh?Good luck. You sound like a nice guy.Luna
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Hi.If your house is in your name why should you walk away from it? Your married life seems to have been quite an unhappy one. Why have you allowed it to continue? Speak to your wife and tell her how unhappy you are with things. If she and her daughter are unwilling to change then ask them to leave. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Find an apartment, sign a lease, put a deposit down, then bring your copy of the signed lease home and show your wife. Tell her that she has two options: her and the brat can keep treating you like a modern male cinderella, or you walk, let your credit take a tank, the house gets foreclosed, and her and the brat are out on the street. Let her know she can expect zip and nil in the form of any sort of financial support, because you will quit your job, declare bankruptcy, and work under the table if she tries. Scorched earth, take no prisoners, and mean it!
If she gets pissed at that, tell her you could suggest a much less appropriate way her young, but conveniently enough no longer a minor daughter could earn her keep. Not that I would suggest actually trying to make such a monstrocity reality, but just saying it would certainly let your wife know just how pissed off you are!
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