A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have just started an affair, I have known my husband for 12 years and been married for 10 years. We have 2 yound kids and I love them very much...however I feel that I am falling in love with this other man. I do not feel quilty at all. I don't think I can leave this other man. I have known this other man for 2 years just as friends and yes he is married as well and has a kid. Any one else going through this or went through it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): You are making a classic mistake. Your husband will find out sooner or later..you have to know that. And I don't think he'll shoot for any type of guilt or remorse from you. They will be cheap commodities and of little security to him even if you ever did offer them up. What would be more self-destructive for you..is the sadness and loss of respect you will experience when your family, (the in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and your kids) will all hear and know about this eventually. But the saddest thing..and of far more value- will be eventually your regret and sadness over the lost opportunity to be a decent person, because you will have lost something that will be hard to get back and that is-your personal integrity.
To me, it's plainly obvious, the reason is that sexual intercourse boosts a cheater's self-esteem and helps them feel good about themselves. What's also so sad, this is just sex and this is only all about 'you'. Cheaters are selfish people and they feel entitled to 'great sex' and are meeting a short-term need at a greater cost than perhaps, they will ever, ever fathom. Despite the fact that you've entered into a committed marriage with your husband and have had 2 beautiful kids, you still choose to act as though you are the only one whose feelings, needs and desires matter. To your husband, I would say..cut this woman (you) loose, move on and go find a good quality person that understands the importance of trust building, solidarity, givingness, commitment in a relationship and what it means to hold each other up, through tough times.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): Married men NEVER leave their wives for their mistress... I was a married man's girlfriend for over a year.. we went through alot. He talked about moving in with me and divorcing her (she was cheating as well), but he loves her and as much as he cared about me.. she maitained the upper hand and he insisted it was because they had kids together. They are still together. You will end up with a broken heart.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 April 2007):
 You are looking for affirmation, you won't find it here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): If you can handle it for what it seems to be, ie a fling, then fine. But you say you think you are falling in love with this man. That suggests it's more than a fling to you. There's a lot at stake here; two families, children. A lot of people could get hurt if your affair is discovered. Having said that, a lot of people have affairs and never get found out. My concern here is not of the morals of the situation, but that you are feeling a strong emotional connection to this man.
Basically, if you feel you are falling in love with him then you need to look at why you're having an affair. Some people can do it and not get attached; you don't sound like that. You don't say if you want to leave your marriage; my guess is that you don't. Maybe it would be best to take a breather for now; just take a break from your lover and think about what you want your future to be.
And yes, i have had an affair. It was never discovered, and i'm still with my husband. However, i didn't fall in love with the other man; it wasn't about love, it was about sex and attraction. I think your affair is different, so please think carefully before continuing with it. You could hurt yourself and so many others if you don't.
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A
female
reader, Bailey J  +, writes (11 April 2007):
 I’m sorry but people, who have affairs and don’t feel guilty about it, are the lowest of the low. I know you can’t help who you fall in love with but there is a better way to be together. Tell the truth. Don’t give that same old crap about how it will affect the kids - you should have thought about that before breaking two marriages up. What about you’re bit on the side’s wife!! Don’t you feel guilty for her… what has she ever done to you? Ask your self that!!! What about your husband? Does he deserve to be cheated on? Put yourself in their place and how you would feel!!!! I bet it would hurt, wouldn’t it!!! Do the right thing for everybody and quite while you’re ahead because 95% of men who have affairs admit it was all about the sex not love… and 98% beg their wives forgiveness… so before you put your family through hell, think about the whole thing or you might end up loosing everything that ever meant anything to you…. And remember the grass isn’t always greener!!!!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (11 April 2007):
 The fact you don't feel any guilt is too bad. Your mroal compass is way out of alignment. You are moraly bankrupt. You should proabably leave your husbandand kids, as should your lover/luster, ruin his marriage too and live sadly ever after. You say you've known this man as a friend for two years. That was your first BIG mistake. He's no friend. I don't know why people try to bastardise the word friend. Was he someone you went fishing with, cycling, tennis, volunteered with? I doubt it. He was probably someone yo met, felt attracted to and convinced yourself you could handle the outcome. It's a common foolish error.
The fact you don't care tells me you need to get a wake up call in a hurry. What else don't you care about?
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (11 April 2007):
 I've never been through what you describe because I don't have affairs with married women. You've crossed the line and so has he. . . and you SHOULD feel guilty, for betraying the trust your family has in you. When they find out, and there's a good chance they will, you will have to explain to your children that your personal lust is more important than them. Anyone I've ever known that has been in an adulterous relationship while they're married has had to sneak around and lie to everyone they're close to . . . including their children. Is that the kind of life you want?
If both you and your lover are willing to betray your families, what kind of foundation does that lay for a serious relationship between the two of you? You both know each other to be liars and cheats. Not exactly a good start is it?
You're going down a road that will only bring pain and heartache to a lot of people. If that doesn't concern you, then go right on living your pipe dream.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): So you don't feel guilty over the fact that you are cheating on your husband and children, and are helping this man to betray his wife and child also. Wonderful.
Go ahead: have your fling and see what happens when his wife and your husband, find out. Will you be prepared to get divorced since you say you "can't leave" this other man? Do you think he will divorce his wife to be with you?
If you continue you'd better be prepared to do some serious thinking about the impact this is going to have on your family and your children, and why you feel you have to turn to this man rather than your husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): no I havent but I can tell you you will only hurt your children and his kid to if you go on like this trust me
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